You’re welcome, love. Yes…
I would like to post episodic updates, as I find sharing how I feel helps me a whole lot, as well as reading other peoples’ testimonies; it helps make me feel better. I am not always necessarily asking for answers, if anyone feels like sharing something, I’d be happy to read it too.
__Glenn could not find his meds, that’s the first time he ever lost them, but then again he has been so high for the past week he could not even walk right, talk or even keep his eyes open, most of the time. I had to go in the street several times to find his keys, phone and other belongings which were laid on the ground and would have been stolen too at one point, had I not checked it for him. He even gave me his pills at one point, asking me to hold onto it so he wouldn’t lose them like he lost his keys and phone, but he ended up losing them too yesterday, after I gave them to him back home, and I’m sure someone picked them up by now.
So yesterday after he couldn’t find them, he called his Dr with me by his side, explaining the situation. Talk about embarrassing. The Dr rushed his new meds overnight so he wouldn’t be back into withdrawals and he has them now, he leaves them at home like he used to do. He is not looking so high now, he’s still working on our truck after coming back from work (he’s been back to work for a while now), as our truck needed some stuff done.
While being high as a kite this past week, he managed to change the fuel pump, after lifting the bed of the truck, all on his own. He cut his finger to the bone in the process (came home with blood everywhere, scaring me to death) but it’s changed and the truck runs great now. Always amazes me. Truck needed more work done, issue with fuel gauge and something else, well I don’t know what he did to it but the brakes work much better too now, I tested it yesterday, going to feed our horses.
He feels awful about everything, keeps saying he’s sorry and that he will get off of it but this time the right way, with proper help and support. All I know is he gets up every day before the rooster sings and he’s going to work, (I know he’s not lying as I see his boss picking him up and bringing him back, the same boss who has the mansion; he has been doing remodeling/construction/cleaning/handyman and maintenance work on her property for nearly a year now, except when he was incapacitated from TBIs) comes back home and always stays busy. He has always worked, no matter what. He has not given up. He did have a few relapses where he was hanging out with the wrong crowd (being in the place we are it’s hard to avoid and it will happen) and I caught him with dealers and other drug addicts and it was a mess, but he does know to stay away and staying busy does help too.
The only time he spent most of our money on drugs and nearly brought us to be homeless was years ago and it was a horrible time, we didn’t have hot water/power for the longest time, barely any food for us to eat and were taking icy cold showers, even in the wintertime, without heat, sleeping on the floor, no bed, in a very badly insulated place. It was tough.
Our dogs would keep us warm. The animals though, were always fed. They never went without food. He always managed to keep them taken care of. He always helped keeping them healthy, any issues, bringing them to the vet, etc. He has been remarkably responsible when it comes to them. Money stashed for them for food or vet bills, he doesn’t touch it, comes with me to the vet and makes sure they have all they need, goes to the park with them, etc.
He has a huge heart for animals. 2 years ago he stopped a pitbull fight by slipping his hands in the mouth of one who had a hold of another dog, trying to kill it. The pitbull had locked his mouth onto the other dog’s neck, but I saw Glenn stick his hand right in his mouth and managed to get the pitbull to let go, somehow. He is incredibly strong. The pitbull bit him in the process, not attacking him but still trying to kill the dog so that’s how it happened. He bled profusely and needed stitches so I brought him to the hospital but the other dog was fine, aside from a couple of superficial holes (the pitbull had issues getting to the neck as the dog’s collar was partially covering it) and some blood, the dog was fine. This is how much he loves animals. Anyone needing help, he will stop whatever he’s doing to run and help them too, without expecting anything back, that’s just the way he is.
As for me, I’m without work now. My permanent contract just ended, they just dropped me. I was working as a bilingual English/French customer service rep. from home, as independent contractor, and the company I worked for recently decided to lay most of us off and replaced us with an automated computer program, to take care of customers. It is not perfect and is not better than real live agents but the company makes enough money to have to worry about that. I’ve started looking for other bilingual positions or something to do with interpretation/translation as I’m fluent in both languages and learning others as well, it pays way better than the average job here so that’s what I focus on. I am still very much depressed but I am pushing myself.
I am also starting to eat and drink more, gradually. I was eating so little and drinking so little for the longest time (I would not eat breakfast or lunch at all, just usually a small piece of bread and ham at bedtime and some milk) that it would bring me to extreme physical weakness, I’d become dizzy and feeling like I was about to pass out, but whenever that happened I would simply eat some candy or some bread and juice and keep going. I sit at a desk most of the time so I guess by not being very active it did not get worse than just feeling weak, and when I did I would just swallow something.
Luckily, in spite of intense repeated traumatizing experiences I have gone through in my life, I never got hooked on drugs or alcohol myself. I did try weed, cigarettes and alcohol as a teen as people I knew around me did it and I guess that was the ‘cool’ thing to do at the time, they offered it and I tried, but I turned away from it all rather quickly. I didn’t see the point of it. If I needed to escape, I simply turned to sports. I ran, belonged to badminton club, trained as semi-pro athlete in another one, got on my bike everyday and would also go rock climbling. That is what I did to escape reality when I needed. And it kept me in shape too. At the time, I might have been depressed too, but at least I ate. My twin sister, who went through similar experiences, never stopped cigarettes, weed or alcohol and then turned to cocaine. I never understood.
She turned into a living skeleton. You could see every bone in her body. Always high. It was very upsetting for me and I had tried everything to try and wake her up, she’d say “I know I need to wake up”, but would just keep doing it. It would stress me so much and worry me sick to my stomach…. it ate me up from the inside, I ended up telling her “look, you want to die, just keep going, because you’re doing a great job at this.” And then she got better, we were still in touch at the time, she seemed to have improved, she had gotten some weight back etc. but then stopped contacting me. I have no idea where she is today.
I had numerous opportunities to turn to drugs, I have been around this for most of my life. But it was just never ‘attractive’ to me, I guess if I’m trying to describe it. Plus seeing all the horror from it, I just didn’t want any part of it… Even right after my surgery was done, and I couldn’t walk, as I was stage IV endometriosis and the surgeon had prescribed strong pain killers for me, I still refused to take that. I would rather feel everything than turn into a zombie, even if for a short moment. That’s just me.
I have been eating breakfast for a few days now, can’t remember last time I did that….. Forgot what the taste of coffee was like, and with cream… With toast and juice too! Then I have a quick bite at lunch, not much but I force myself, then I eat something for dinner too. Glenn is gone most of the time, so it’s usually just me alone with the dogs… Also, we just have been offered a house for rent right next to our horses’ stables, literally right next to it (we’re in a flat now) it’s surrounded by pastures, woods and just one close neighbour (a single middle-aged man keeping to himself) and the road, away from the pub, which is definitely the most important thing for us.
I will lay out a contract first, make it ironclad and have the landlord sign it, sign it or leave it, we are not doing a thing until it’s signed; I’m not signing any other contract than the one I make, that’s the way I’ve done things for us here and it has offered us protection as people do get evicted very easily in this area. We have seen dozens of people moving in and getting kicked out in the last 2 years, renting from the same landlord, around us. The guy has tons of flats and houses and lots of land. We have been staying at our flat under a contract I made and I will keep it that way wherever we go, safety first.
Whoever read this, have a good day/night. Feel free to share back, about anything you’d like. Love, S.
