[smithy]

My husband had me convinced he had errectile dysfunction and has been using viagra at the same time as being high, its been disastrous and hugley embarrasing. Ive been convinced it had something to do with me and then he wouldnt come to bed some nights and was sleeping downstairs and it was becoming more and more frequent i began to dread the thought of Fri eve and onwards. Last night i found another blade and place mat that he hadnt thrown away and i felt so angry that he just hadnt bothered we ended up in a huge row at midnight and he had the nerve to get angry and started packing some things to go. Currently we have his daugher here and mine so i said what was he going to tell them and he said he had no idea. I just felt so pissed off that he hadnt done anything to show that he means to not do this again. He had the nerve to say i was being out of order and was bringing it up. He didnt leave and we stopped arguing but i watched him on our outside camera around 12.40pm throw something in the bin and stand there for too long so i knew he was hiding what he had thrown away. This morning i looked and it was his cycling bag that fits under his saddle with another blade, two rolled up straws and some wrappers and a tube of lube. I know hes not high but the fact is i have been all over the house and garage and thought i had found everything but these appeared. Today he had to go out for work ,travelling for the day so i gave him a choice. He has been an addict on weed for 9 years and we have been through so much shit because of that and now this and he used coke in his previous marriage so this isnt a one off. So he has to get clean of everything or move out as i believe that if he continues with the smoking of the weed always justifying it then this coke addiction will come back easily. I am scared and so sad because i know that i will have to ask him to leave as i dont think he will do it. He has fought so hard to stay smoking the weed to the detriment of his children sometimes and this is his norm but now i dont trust him anymore at all and as much as i love him thats just not enough. I will 100% support him if he gets help and we can have a chance at a happy life where he can be the man i know he is without any highs. I hope he has it in him and that we are enough to want to try. I want this for him and he says he loves me and that giving up the coke will be easier than laying his life out bare and people judging him. I told him that people that help dont judge. Its his time now, i will watch and wait and time will tell.

My life has been hard and because of that im a fighter but i didnt want to remarry and have to fight ever again, i did enough of that in my previous marriage. I feel broken. I have decided to bite the bullet and ask to speak to my counsellor and admit to her what has been going on which im hugely embarrased about. I feel like i have enabled and even normalised at times which before i met him i wouldnt have ever. But i need someone to help me as i have so many emotions that i dont know what to do with.

If i tell my sister or brother they will tell me to kick him out and will be so worried if i dont . If he can make this then they would never speak to him again which wont help me

[smithy]

I think 22 years is very long and you guys have done fantastically so it’s something worth fighting for as long as he wants to. The devastation must be so overwhelming for you. Sending you a huge hug ????

[smithy]

He will be asked to leave as I don’t want to be forever looking over my shoulder and searching the house or constantly worrying if he is or not. Trust is massive for me, this is my second marriage and I’m heartbroken but I have been through the death of most of my family, a divorce and an emotionally abusive relationship and don’t want to keep going if he won’t try. What about you? Little things you’ll start to piece together and you may find you get really angry whilst it suddenly dawns on you. Situations you have given him sympathy for etc etc. What will you do?

[smithy]

You will start to unravel things and behaviours thay will give you a clue

I now realise that when my husband was having problems sleeping was a cue, when he would be on his phone lots and just popping out. Although I didn’t realise he was picking it up when he was out on a bike ride which is sad. A side effect of the drug can often cause people to go to the loo ???? and my husband is a creature of habit so when he was doing that at different times is when I first started to wonder.

I have just ordered some tests and waiting for them to come. He originally said he would do them so I will surprise him with them. I don’t think he will buy any this weekend for fear of losing me but its in a week or sos time that he may faulter. As soon as I get an inkling I will ask him to do one and if he said no then that speaks volumes and he will have to leave.

[smithy]

I’m glad you’re strong and you sound like you have some good friends and family to support you. My parents died when I was 20 and I have an older brother and sister who are quite religious which I am not so they wouldn’t get this at all. I feel that as the days go past its all been lessened and yet for me it hasnt. Last weekend he said he would get rid of all the paraphernalia associated with it that has been hidden around the house or garage but he didn’t so I did and then confronted him last night with why he hasn’t done it and he said because he was lazy and just hadn’t bothered. He understood why I was annoyed and thought if he meant it he would have done it.

We have a business together so we work together and I have noticed on some days he struggles so I think I will spot it if he’s using but I think if he was to do it again he would hide it a lot better. So I’m now like a hawk which is pretty shit

[smithy]

My family wouldn’t understand because he has smoked weed the entire 9 years that we have been together and they have had to accept that but against their better judgement and now this and the way that he has normalised the smoking of weed they would literally be so angry and would never speak to him again I don’t think. They would judge me for allowing it in the first place and our families would be torn apart. The only thing that is that if he doesn’t give this up or relapses at some point then he will have to go and they would be there for me. That much I know. Although he has said often that he couldnt do this without me which I sometimes feel that is almost pressurising to not leave. My teenage daughter was talking to me earlier, she knows nothing about the cocaine but is fully aware of his weed smoking habit and she said something very poinient, she said that he has always said we are an open family and we don’t like taboo subjects but he has stepped way past the line and he has normalised his behaviour not the drug and its pros and cons as far as he is concerned there are no cons. That’s very sad and worrying that she thinks this. What the hell would they all think if this came to light, it would destroy him.

[smithy]

I read your post when I first joined here and really felt for you. I hate the way it’s changed things. Trust is a massive thing for me and that has been destroyed. I love my husband and want him to find some help but it can’t just be me wanting it. In my head I am leaving him to make some positive changes and if he doesn’t then that tells me masses and I will have a hard time asking him not to go as I can’t risk our lives. I am here to support but not enable but its a lonely road for all I think. Keep writing on here as hopefully we can help each other x

[smithy]

My husband is the same, on and off it recreationally for years too and he has admitted now that it has turned into something different. I have known that it was a problem for a few weeks but didn’t realise to the extent. Now I do and I feel lost as I have nobody to talk to apart from him or this group as nobody I know would understand. I feel like I have enabled it in the beginning and I’m hoping to god that the stuff that he says is going to work. He has taken off the contacts and has offered tests which I wasn’t going to do but now reading your post I think I will. I feel like I want to give him the benefit of the doubt to make it different and change but also am acutely aware that he has to change habits, lots and even if he manages to stop for a while there will be a reason at some point where it will happen and then he won’t tell me and the cycle will start again.

[smithy]

I have seen a little of this with the lying, lazyness and personality changes and now when I look over the past few months I realise more and more. I have just read your post and can see how awful it has been for you and your family and how hard you have tried for so long. I don’t want to get to that stage although I know that he has never given up smoking weed no matter how many times I asked and now the cocaine addition as much as he hasn’t used it everyday has been a slippery slope to a man that I never thought would lie to me and behave the way he has and now I’m just not sure. I was once in a emotionally abusive relationship with my previous marriage for 10 years and when I finally had the strength and said the words that I wanted a divorce I never looked back. I stayed for my children for too long.

I’m our house at the moment I have a vulnerable teenager who tried to take her life last year and doesn’t want to have anything to do with her dad, my husband now is her father figure but they don’t hit it off and now I realise that his personality has changed where he finds her irritating and doesn’t do anything with her was because he has been struggling with either dope overs or not being high from coke. Last night I told him that I can offer support but he has to do this, it has to come from him. And if not then the embarrassment and shame that he feels now will be nothing compared with when everyone else finds out such as his kids and mine etc. I am resolved in the fact that I might have to make that decision as there is a good chance that this will crop its ugly, destroying head again. I hope this forum helps you a tiny bit as your life sounds unbelievably difficult.

[smithy]

Thanks Dazo, I hope you continue your journey and don’t give into it. It sounds like you’ve lost enough

[smithy]

Thanks, it’s been a massive roller coaster ride of emotions and I really hope he means it. All of the things I’ve read says that I mustn’t be his enabler and he has to want to change not me want him to change as its not enough. I’m hoping he can do this or it will destroy us as he was becoming a different person.

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