[snuffysmith]

I used to think if I used every few weeks or so it was ok, I know its not but that’s what I told myself. My partner has been pivotal in my decision in the sense that she has been so supportive but the decision lay with me, I think it has to be that you want to do it yourself to make it work, I may be wrong as I’m only just getting clear headed myself but that’s the driver for me – I want to quit. I also know it will shorten my life span, depending how much he is consuming it could be doing real damage. Has he said he wants to quit? Has he lost his job since lockdown?

[snuffysmith]

Hey Jess, there are a lot of similarities in what you say. I’ve fooled myself to think I could control my using for a long time but I cant. It gets a huge hold of me… also tried not drinking, not meeting friends, drinking at weekends only… have always ended up back there again. I do feel good this time but I have been here before. I’m going to check out the link you put, I said to my partner it’s obvious I cant do this on my own hence coming onto the forum. Thinking a sponsor or someone to chat to real time might help. Thanks for the post and link 🙂

[snuffysmith]

Hey Sukey, theres a host of questions off the back of that – how long has he been using firstly? And do you reside together? I know it must be hard, it’s been years for me on and off bit my partner changed her approach and it helped in my opinion. We used to argue madly over it which drove negativity into the whole situation, I dont know how she did it but she flipped to being supportive and not losing it when I fell off the wagon. I think she got to a point (sadly) that she didn’t want to upset herself for my ignorant choices. That one thing that made me realise what a doosh I was being. Communication is key if you ask me, and the format it is conducted in

[snuffysmith]

Cheers 🙂 today been ok actually! Going to cook my lady a nice meal up tonight, let her know how much she means to me. God knows have put her through enough shit. Hope things look up for you Zen eventually. Feel slightly more human each morning wake up atm, did fall asleep about 7 last night! Was right when you said ride the storm… day by day

[snuffysmith]

Thanks, sometimes need a few words of wisdom – helped stave the urge. Day 4, actually fee better than have done since Friday. Lot more positive today, going to dig into work and get loads done keep myself occupied. I’m actually home alone all day today so this will be the test, if I can manage today that’s another achievement under the belt. Nice name change btw!

[snuffysmith]

I’ll check that out, anything is worth a try. Today has been so stupidly stressy my second thought is constantly to make a call, it’s real hard. 3PM thought getting there. Think I’ll go to bed super early tonight so I dont have chance to contemplate. Honestly cant stress enough, lockdown has been the brain of my addiction. If I were at work I’d have colleges to bounce off and other outs and solutions for how stressy it is… its been made too easy to buckle. How do you go about getting a sponsor? Think I need someone to actually guide me, feel so weak and impressionable at times. Just wish life were how it was last year

[snuffysmith]

Yeah true, day 1 was hazy and a weekend, work has been a shit show today and I have got nothing productive done so far.

Working from home at the minute is the shittest thing ever. Life is bloody hard atm, i dont feel it fair to he moaning on here when you guys are going through the mill on the other side of the story. Things used to enjoyable and easier, this year has been the single most demotivating time in my life. Had real serious personal circumstances happen as well which haven’t helped. I just need to get through to tonight so I can have a breather

[snuffysmith]

So third dwy, done Saturday and Sunday – morning has gone absolutely shit with work and thoughts started creeping into my head. Not going to fold, just makes a shit time shitter. 11am Monday and thinking about trying to escape from the world… just feels theres not much going atm

[snuffysmith]

That does seem really unfair, lockdown is a devil for this it seems. Hopefully theres a light on that front, hopefully will be easier to communicate once that’s over? He’s lucky to have you having faith in his recovery, I find it hard to have my own faith so having a partner to back it up is crucial. I hope for both you sakes he realises what he has to fight for. I dont think I truly understood (I mean I got it for sure) how strenuous it is on partners until I started talking on here and saw all the views. Communication really is key, hopefully having here to vent and chat will be the out I needed to beat this.

[snuffysmith]

Hey Gigi, I think there is an almost identical series of mindset with the morning after. Like you say, wake up thoughts spinning and self loathing at an all time high, makes it like a never ending cycle as I treat the hate with abuse and self destruct, so unhealthy. Like you said, working from home and that has made it more accessible and open for midweek which is ridiculous… ashamed and embarrassed that I would do this to the people around me let alone myself. Well, on the up side – yesterday was coke free, first time for a while and hopefully first of many. I do feel positive about it, but I feel like shit at the minute. As Chall81 said theres a first few weeks to claw through which are the peak of it, then hopefully will ease a little. It’s now or never though, this is a battle of years for me and it CANT win. It’s easy to feel hate Gigi the next morning, dont let it guide your mental state. Doesn’t do any favours in my experience.

I also feel for the contributors with partners that are going through the mill st the minute. One thing I can say which you guys have resonated already – underneath that horrible draw that gravitates to use cocaine is a good, caring person (in these cases anyway) dont give up on them. I’m do lucky to have an unbelievably understanding and caring other half, without which I would have gone well over the edge by now. One of my drivers in getting clean is to make her proud, prove I’m better than I have been and that she deserves more. Because she does, she’s a saint to have put up with me. Well worth a few shit weeks to get my head from up my ass and back in the game… I miss real life 🙁

[snuffysmith]

Thanks CHall, great to have a bit of encouragement. Am hoping (really really hoping) that with some support like the forum I can use this alongside the other positives that will come from clean living. I’ve been on it every day for over a month this time round, today has been cocaine free. Going to get an early night and hopefully start to feel more human day by day, I have to do it this time round no excuses or relapses. Why has he walked out on you and is it cocaine as well? Turns people recklessly and selfish, I’ve been horrible of late 🙁

[snuffysmith]

Hey Gigi, more than happy to have someone to talk to in similar circumstance, surely we can help each other out. Its a slippery slope, starts off as you said a confidence booster and before yku know it you’re using it just to function how you see normal. Lockdown has definitely given me harder time with it all, how have you found it? yesterday reaching out on here and having yet another realisation, making last night the last time… again. Think that’s what makes it worse, I dont have faith in myself after do many fails. Putting it out there now though so I can be held to it. What’s your current situation?

[snuffysmith]

It sounds tough at the minute with lockdown and having to contend with issues at home, I can relate as I am in similar standings to your partner. Has it got worse during the outbreak or is it always of that level? Lockdown has made it hard for me to control myself. Is it worth leaving a few weeks when whatever the new normal is starts and setting some agreements in place to try stick by? You sound patient as a saint, for your childs sake maybe worth a few weeks tester? Why does he drink so heavily, is there a trigger?

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