[songbirdgarden76]

Hi Fatherof3. How are you? My husband told me today that he was hiding from me for years by focusing on his work. He said he didnt care how much money I spent as long as I left him alone. He completely ignored the drug use, his crumbling business and the people he is hanging out with. I completely give up at this point.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3. Just checking in….how are you??

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3! How are you? Thanks so much for the information. I reached out to a local attorney here and it appears I wouldn’t have enough for the Marchman Act. I’ve decided to let him go. I don’t want to but he made his choice. Rejection, abandonment and shame has consumed me for the past 3 months. I was holding out hope and praying for a miracle.

He isnt going to realize his mistakes. He isnt going to come home. He chose to leave me for a homeless drug addict / alcoholic. He chose to chose that life over ours. I put everything into our life, our family and our future.

I thought there were a few steps in the right direction as he cried a few times when he was here. When he asked for my advice when talking with family after his dad died (they weren’t close). But those werent signs. It was me being desperate and foolish. He chose to be with people who have criminal pasts including trafficking drugs. He told me that one of their “friends” overdosed on the bathroom floor of his apartment and my husband performed CPR and saved his life. He told me that person died a few days later. But he still went back to that environment, that life. I am beginning to believe that the past 12 years were a lie.

I think it’s just better for me to walk away. As much as I dont want to. I’ve asked him to get the rest of his belongings and he has refused. He is stalling for what reason I do not know. He doesnt make an effort to see our children. He just left us and only provides minimal money for groceries while I know he supports his new girlfriend and their new friends. All of these “friends” all came from her. I was able to track them back to her and the connection to her is from the handyman that was at our house for months and who my husband considered a “friend”. I’m not wanted. The kids arent wanted and it’s time to bury the hope and love I was holding onto. While I was at the hospital my husband was getting high and moving on, planning his escape. I am an exceptional person and a really good wife. It’s time I remember who I was and get back to loving myself and being strong for my kids.

How is your situation going?

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi there! Happy Birthday to your son. I’m not doing so great. I found out people my husband are associating with are into heavier drugs than I thought. I’m still having a very hard time that he chose drugs over his family. Now he is having these people address and handle his financial affairs which is something I did for 12 years. These people arent his friends. I dont get it. I got some troubling news regarding my family and I have no one there for me. The feeling of rejection is just so much. After countless messages to him over the last few weeks to make sure he knows he isnt alone, I still get nothing in return. He came to see the kids 2,days ago and started crying. I consoled him. Someone overdosed on his apartment floor, then died 3 days later. But he was crying as he read a text that he sent to the person avout their drug use. He somehow thinks the heavier drugs are worse than what he is doing. It’s like he cares more about these people and “helping” them and just left us in the dust. I just dont get how he wants to be around these people. He has children and I was a good wife, I loved him unconditionally. I messaged him today that not one thing he did over the last 3 months was him. I told him I have to handle everything now that he chose to walk away from our life. I juat dont understand. 🙁

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi Fatherof3. Just checking in with you. Hope everything is going okay.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi! I also wish there was a way to separate the defective parts.

My husband took the down payment we were saving for a house. $30,000. Gone. He walked out, did not pay any of our bills, did not provide money for groceries, did not do anything that any responsible adult would do. He took my brand new vehicle back and gave me a car without working air conditioning. It’s over 100 degrees outside! I just cannot believe he is the same person I married and have loved for the last 12 years. I love him so much, want to fight for this, want to fix this, want him to want to fix this but I too, hate him. He isnt doing it just to me, there are children involved. Its heartbreaking. For me not knowing who he is really with or what he is really doing is beyond difficult. I keep hoping he will realize what he is doing but each day he doesnt speak to his children, doesnt see them. Doesnt help with the bills and I was/am a stay at home mom.

I’m so sad that you and your children are also going through this. Theres so much I wish we could chat about since our situations are so similar and you have insight that I am completely clueless about. Wish there was a private message option! Just having someone going through something similar helps so much.

How was your wife when you were recovering?

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi. I visited Delaware a few years ago and fell in love with the area. Its It’s amazing how they can find the drugs! My husband is the same way 🙁

It’s so hard when we think of everything they have put us through and we are the ones left to pick up the pieces. When I really sit down and think about it all I get so angry. All the time he blamed me. Insulted me, belittled me, yelled, screamed and picked so many fights. All the times I had no idea what was going on.

I know who the people are he is hanging around well. Well I found them on social media and it is so tempting to reach out to the guy who introduced my husband to them. But at the end of the day it was my husband who chose to get involved in this while I was in the hospital. He completely abandoned his family. Times like this as I sit here and write it all out I just get so angry. Angry at myself for still loving him, wanting him to get help for himself, our children, our family. All the while he is almost 60 years old and should know better! Makes me wonder about the last 12 years 🙁

So is your wife approachable about it or is it just goes unsaid? My husband and I were basically roommates and my stupidity thought it was because he was working so hard and I was busy being mom. I feel ashamed now. Only to go into the hospital and 3 days after I’m released he storms out and tells me he is no longer in love with me. Then I find out about the drug use. It’s so hard not to take it personally. But I do. Oh but I do.

[songbirdgarden76]

Your post brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. That must not have been easy by any means. But thank goodness you looked into that mirror. That very well might have saved your life.

I thought for my situation that when I saw my husband crying in his truck on Sunday that, that was his moment to realize. But I guess not as he is still living with his new friends.

I’m in Florida and checked into some rehabs to find out information but I dont think he would ever go. I dont know….but like you said and like you experienced first hand, we cant make anyone do something they dont want to do.

Is your wife at home? Are you able to talk with her ? Does she just not want the help yet?

[songbirdgarden76]

I forgot to say congratulations on being sober for 5 years! That is remarkable and you should feel very proud!

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi. You are completely describing my life, it’s so weird the similarities. My husband grew up in the same era as you and his father worked and mom took care of the household and the family. We agreed we would do the same. We agreed for me to be a stay at home mom, especially as our youngest has special needs and major separation anxiety. I have not worked in over 15 years. Now I’m faced with having to support myself and the kids. Basically starting over. My husband earned a very comfortable living and now that is all gone. Not only is that income gone, theres no way I can bring in even half of that. So there goes our nice, beautiful home in one of the best neighborhoods and I will be lucky if I can afford something in one of the worst neighborhoods. Helpless and hopeless comes to mind.

Yes I would always take the kids out to distract them but COVID 19 is really messing that up. I totally understand that.

That is what I’m wondering. Do addicts finally come to a realization that they have a choice to make? I’ve never been on the other side of this. Or is my husband walking out 2 months ago and staying gone his way of telling me he made a decision and it’s not his family?

[songbirdgarden76]

Thanks Hox26. I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I guess with all of it I’m just scared he won’t help himself. Like everything, it’s hard to accept that this is out of my hands. Especially when it’s just watching someone you love just destroy everything, including themselves. Even more so with wondering if today is going to be the day he overdoes and dies?

[songbirdgarden76]

Thanks LemonySnicket. I can relate to your situation so much. I too, believed that the addiction he told me about had never really gone away. The financial and emotional catastrophe I am currently enduring is just unbelievable. It is completely unbelieveable what he did and how he did it – to ruin us financially – and take away so much from his own children. It’s all still so fresh, still so new. It’s like I’m so angry and sad at the exact same time. I want him to see and to feel the consequences of his actions. I want him to be held responsible. I want him to look into the eyes of his children and see what he did. But he doesn’t, does he? Do addicts ever? Then of course I am my own worst enemy and start second guessing what I could have done differently, what I should have done differently. It’s a hard pill to swallow trying not to think of it like I wasn’t good enough to stop him, that the kids and I and everything we built together wasn’t good enough to stop him. That he should have chosen us over the drugs. I know that’s my way of thinking and in time that will pass.

Just everything right now is so difficult. Kudos to you for taking such a difficult step and initiating divorce and moving forward for you and the kids. I should most definitely put on my life jacket.

Thank you!

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi. To be honest I don’t know if this time he will be able to get over that hurdle. I don’t think he’s ever loved himself, or felt worthy or loved. Until he met me and then we had our family. But I guess old habits never die and it was easy to give in to the drug just “one more time”. Which of course led to the situation I’m in now.

I don’t even know where to begin to attempt to get him to realize to remove the toxic friends. I’ve offered for him to come home and we can live separately until we can figure something else out. Our home is plenty big for that. He has his own office here where he used to work out of. I mean it has everything he could need or want (or so I thought) and he loves his kids. But at the end of the day, he chooses to stay where he is, with those people who he feels he owes something to. I have no idea where that idea even came from.

I don’t know how to build him a new support system. I’ve told him and showed him I am here for him. His business partner has told him and showed him the same. But he doesn’t want the help. I haven’t shamed him, embarassed him or belittled him. I tried showing compassion because I can’t imagine what he is going through in his own mind. He’s been through hell and back in his life and I can understand what initially tempted him to use drugs decades ago.

I started attending a NAR-ANON meeting this week. I think it will eventually help. I will try finding a NA group as well and see if I can sit in on one of the meetings.

Just seems like there’s no way out……unless we turn our backs on the person we love.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3. I can see why you posted on my thread. It is as if the experiences are the same. I know that depression, exhaustion and frustration. Knowing the children need us while our spouse just does whatever he/she wants. My husband walked out 2 months ago so I have no idea what he is doing or when. He goes days without calling his children, weeks without seeing them. We moved around alot for his job. When we were in different states there wasn’t as much as a problem. But as soon as we moved here, 3 years ago, he knew exactly where the drugs would be. Afterall, these were his old stomping grounds. Guess I wanted to believe that the hard working, dedicated, trustworthy husband wasn’t the person I thought he was. I know he is hurting, just like your wife is hurting but it’s different than our pain. Not that it’s an excuse but they get to numb their pain. While ours is raw and almost undescribeable.

You aren’t alone. I feel the same way you do. I want to tell him to come get the rest of his belongings and file the divorce paperwork myself. It’s so terribly hard to know what to do. I am lost and that’s why I’m glad I found this site and posts like yours. While I wish you weren’t going through this, it is nice to know that I’m not alone.

[songbirdgarden76]

Hi FatheroF3. Thanks so much for your post.

Your words really hit home. Since my post my husband came to visit with the kids and as he was leaving he sobbed uncontrollably in his truck. I do not think he saw me and I pretended as if I did not see him.

I definitely want to do what is best for my children and myself. I know there is nothing I can do for him if he doesnt want the help. I see glimpses of hope but it quickly fades as he returns to his apartment that he is sharing with his new friends, the one who are in this mess with him and considering they are homeless and how much money my husband went through, I’m sure my husband is feeding everyone’s habit and paying all the other bills as well.

I suppose I’m nervous about filing for divorce or doing anything to “push him over the edge” so to speak. I don’t know if he realizes what hes done. I don’t know if he realizes what he lost. I have no idea what hes doing and I guess since this is all new, I want to somehow fix it. I think I also cant accept that this is my new reality and I’m hung up on wanting him to realize the consequences of his actions.

This completely came out of nowhere. Im sure it started out as fun and then he used our arguments as the catalyst to move out and go be with his new friends. I mean he moved out of a gorgeous, large home with his family and moved into an furnished apartment with homeless people.

I guess there is really nothing I can do except walk away? Focus on healing myself and taking care of the kids. Perhaps that is what I’m struggling with the most. At the end of the day I’m really the only person that he has and its frustrating to watch him continue to destroy everything. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

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