[sosad]

Thank you all for your kind words. I know he was responsible for his own actions. Drugs are so terrible. The person taking them has no control after a while. They consume their lives. My son decided the only way to be free was to take his life. He didn’t overdose. He took a way that was 100 % certain he couldn’t be brought back…. He meant it. In his suicide note he said ” he couldn’t hurt us anymore”. If only he knew the hurt I’m going through. He surely didn’t realise how much I loved him. Now I will never be able to tell him again. I want him back so badly it hurts with bone in my body.

[sosad]

At the moment I’m so sad. I wanted to see him get a good job, bring home a decent girl, have a child, a home to call his own even get grey hair. None of that will happen now. That’s the norm for your children, isn’t it ? I’ve been through every case imaginable with my son.. Clucking. Buying drugs for him, watching him take them, cold turkey many times. The was time was finding syringes. I tried to get help for me as I didn’t know where to turn. There was no help. There was no one I could turn to. I couldn’t speak to friends. I was too embarrassed that my son was an addict. I didn’t tell my family because I didn’t want them thinking bad of him and not inviting him to their homes in fear of him stealing, being around small children with drugs etc. so I kept it all to myself for years. The only time I ever got a decent sleep was when he,d be inprsioned,I even lied to people then and said he was working abroad. For the last 12 yrs he’d led a dismal life. I’m so sad for that. I blame myself as I separated from his dad then and this must have been the trigger for my son, even though he said it wasn’t my fault. You have to blame someone or something. I now have to live with the fact that for my happiness I ruined my sons life and I can never make amends as he not here for me to “fix him and make him well again” I will go to my grave knowing that. Nothing anyone can say will make me believe different. My husband now, I’ve been with for 12 yrs and he has stood by my son through all the bad times, he found him and has to live with that awful memory. He was upset at the time but it’s not HIS son and he can’t have the feelings a mum has. My grieving is probably getting him down by now as I can cry at any time and my emotions now are anger to everyone ( except my son) I haven’t got any patience. And really don’t care about anything. Sorry to go on and on but is there anyone out there who’s experienced this? How do you come through it and be normal again ?

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