[sotired]

I have tried several times to get him to see a counselor. The lady who prescribed the Suboxone for him said SEVERAL times the medication alone is about 15% effective but medicine AND counseling is about 85%

He has seen a few of them from time to time but I doubt he ever really got into the issues. He just went because I forced him to go.

This time I stopped what I was doing, which was enabling him and taking the urgency away. I would solve all the problems. Retrieve everything from the pawn shops, pay all the delinquent bills etc. When I did that the urgency was gone!!!

So this time I said you are on your own. If you want to pawn everything you own go ahead. If you want it back then save your money and go get it back!

I think the limits now set are working because he knows it’s all up to him now. I am still not sure he is seeing anyone but I know he told me he is now signed up for the rehab app. I also fill him in on some of my counseling topics and he is very appreciative of me taking the time and effort to educate myself.

It’s all so hard.

[sotired]

Well another therapy session last night. We talked about the struggles I have with no longer being in a position of control when it comes to my son. The hard part is when there are even the slightest deviations from the norm. They explode in my mind and I go from zero to 100 miles per hour thinking the worst. It is really hard when you know nothing or get very brief answers to questions. After all this time torturing myself it is hard to just let go. Plus usually the reason for any deviations from the norm are nowhere even close to what I was conjuring up in my mind. He has been dating this really pretty girl. He dated her every week for 8 weeks in a row. The ninth week there was no date and it took me like one minute and I already thought up 12 reasons why there was no date. He relapsed. No money because he blew it all on drugs. She found out he was using and dumped him, etc. etc. etc. I’ll get to a place of peace one day I hope. The counseling helps. He has been “on his own” for about 7 weeks now and I realize that in the 7 week period if things were the same and I was in complete control it would not have made any difference. He still would have lived the same life……just would have to do it behind my back, so the worrying and turning stomach I felt would have been for nothing you know what I mean? I have to keep telling myself all is well….until it isn’t.

[sotired]

He does. He always says to me that NOBODY wakes up in the morning and WANTS to use. It is just tough for me because I know leaving him alone and allowing him to sort this out is the right thing to do but the not knowing is really tough. I have to just sit back and hope you the best. The problem for me is that after so many relapses I see the slightest little change as doomsday and I think the worst. I have to break that habit and I am seeing a counselor myself to help me. The thought never comes to me that the change can be legit. Maybe he’s not answering his phone because it died or he is busy studying or he is in the shower. I automatically see something bad and it just lingers and festers and the panic sets in. It’s a hell of a life but I have to accept it.

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