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Hi,
Sorry this is happening to you.
My partner chose coke and alcohol over me. I walked and he didn’t even try to stop me. It’s the addiction. Messes with the mind and makes them genuinely believe that they need to lie, manipulate and delude themselves to keep using the substance in question.
My partner thought that because he wasn’t abusing me while he was drunk and high that there was no issue! You can’t argue with an addict, you will not win.
One day he may be ready to actually stop but until it’s his decision I’m afraid you either put up with it or separate. Perhaps that’s the jolt he needs to get well.
Whatever you decide, don’t be alone. Tell people if you can because isolation and secrets won’t help you.
Don’t feel like you are or have ever abandoned him. Addiction changes people which is what makes it so different from many other illnesses. Sometimes the person you love isn’t even there, not enough of the time anyway because the addiction is controlling them. You must look after yourself too.
His sister knowing is a good start. Wanting to stop is a good start if it’s genuine.
As far as you personally needing people to talk to about this who won’t judge him or you, this is a great forum for that. Don’t be a stranger if you’re struggling.
You’re so very welcome
Hi there,
Sorry you and your partner are going through this.
In my experience, and that of others on here, the will to change has to come from him. It has to be a genuine desire of his to seek help for his addiction. He will need the support of groups and professionals. It’s so hard to accept that someone has chosen a substance over a relationship but that’s how powerful drugs and alcohol are.
I left my partner about two weeks ago too. He hasn’t even tried to fight it as he’s not ready to make promises he knows he won’t keep or to admit he has an issue.
However you handle this, don’t feel alone. If you can, convince him to get friends and family involved. The less secrets the better. Hiding things and telling lies just makes everything harder. After all, addiction is awful but there’s no shame in it. The same as any other illness.
Take care.
This sounds so, so hard.
The bargaining seems to be a theme. Unfortunately, if there isn’t complete abstinence from gateway drugs like alcohol I’d be worried too. Like you say, it has to be his decision and it sounds like he’s still hedging his bets or but willing to accept he needs to stop everything and probably stay away from triggers including friends who use drugs.
I really hope you are doing as ok as you can be. It took so much for me to leave my partner and his children, and to continue to stay strong and not give in now we are apart. I hope you have some support from family and friends?
It is frustrating that the kids can’t understand. I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to best deal with things in the best way for you and your children.
Stay strong and don’t feel alone or let yourself be too isolated. Take care 🙂
Ps. Addiction loves secrecy and lies.
If you can, come clean to people close to you. It will get you support and make you less likely to sneak around taking drugs.
Google “help with addiction”. Honestly there are resources if you’re ready to take that step. “Turning point” are good.
Personally, I’d perhaps go to my doctor because depending on the level of your dependence on the substance you may want a bit of professional support when you stop.
I’m still in pieces because alcohol and drugs stole the person I loved more than anything else. Get the help you need and the life you and those who love you deserve.
Hi,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You’re not alone. Our stories are all a little different here but ultimately we all love or have loved an addict.
In my limited experience, making threats with no follow through will just allow your boundaries to be repeatedly destroyed.
My relationship wasn’t nearly as long as yours so I understand the unwillingness to risk all that. However, every time I set a boundary but didn’t follow through when it was broken, another boundary was soon broken until I was living a life I didn’t want with a person I didn’t recognise. I walked and he didn’t even fight for me. I know he loved me but unfortunately he loved alcohol and cocaine more.
If you do ask him to leave you must be willing to allow that to happen. An addicts life needs to become uncomfortable enough for them to choose change or indeed relationships over their beloved drug. The codependency we as loved ones foster can make it easier for the addict to continue as they are and for us to be consumed with caring for/worrying for them.
Don’t sit there feeling alone. This whole experience is so very lonely sometimes but these issues are more common than I had ever realised.
I wish you and your husband the best of luck and strength to fight off this sickness.
Get help now. There is no shame in addiction and there are plenty of avenues to explore. Look at “turning point” they are a great place to start.
Like Kellie, I am on the other side of this and am devastated by the way alcohol and coke have changed him and continue to be more important than me or his children.
Do it for you and do it for anyone who loves you. Good luck and well done. My partner still can’t see there is a problem. You are so much if the way there already. See it through x
Thanks so much for sharing this reply. It has made me certain I am doing the right thing in walking out. The gaslighting (saying it’s me who has changed and that I’m imagining things) and deflecting (going on about a person I slept with before we were even together) have already started as a means of manipulating me back into a life where my boundaries may as well not have existed.
Thanks again x
Hey Bex.
I have recently left my partner due to sly cocaine taking and sitting up alone all night getting wasted.
He can’t go three days without drink or drugs and has turned on me since I left.
Loved him so much even when I walked out but since then he has forgotten everything I did for him over the last few months and treats me like the enemy.
It is very hard to see the addiction as separate to your loved one but if you want to keep loving them I think that’s the way. He has been so cruel that I can no longer bring myself to love the person I once did. I just can’t see him in there anymore.
I’d say watch out for dishonesty. Make sure you know the signs of intoxication with the substances you suspect he takes and take good care of yourself.
Addicts are good liars and their brains convince them that they need to do anything to get the substance they are addicted to.
Good luck. I hope things don’t progress x
Hi there,
I feel for you so deeply.
My partner sits up drinking alone all night and does coke on his own on the sly. I had to walk out due to the stress and anxiety making me very ill.
He says it’s me who has changed and that he is fine, doesn’t have a problem even though he can’t go three days without drugs and alcohol. He is short with his kids, tired, lazy and grumpy because of withdrawal or hangovers constantly.
He has turned on me making me the enemy and bringing up the couple of times I’ve had one or two beers or when I used to do a bit of coke myself to deflect.
It is so, so hard and I’m sorry you are going through this.
On a positive note, he has acknowledged at least once that there is an issue. Getting over that denial is a huge step. If it is addiction backslides may occur. I hope he gets some professional help and I hope you can take good care of yourself too as that is so important. You are not alone! X