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Hey Paul0572
I have seen all of that the blame shifting the poor me victim stance being made.
The effects of yet another binge being passed off as the effects of the toxic relationship. It hurts because nobody knows the truth , the present an image that paints them in a good light .
The lengths they go to to twist the narrative in their favour is hurtful.
I was relieved that once I made the decision not to let him back he would no longer have me to blame & people would see it for themselves.
My heart goes out to you , mine has now announced he is going to share a flat with a lad half his age who is also a coke addict . Apparently he’s changed now …, of course he has.
I know this seems like the worst pain now , but it’s either this for a short term or a lifetime of it .
Because unless the enrol & stay in a programme then this won’t ever stop & you will always carry the pain , cocaine devours them of empathy . They literally care only about drugs people that can get them drugs & people they can do drugs with.
It’s honestly like seeing somebody die & then watching them still walking around living their life . Sending love
In all honesty , and speaking as a wife it’s selfish. You know the hurt you are putting them through and you know the way you will feel after. To make a conscious choice to do it anyway and hurt those you love is probably the worst thing you could do .
Sadly you will always be an addict in recovery and until you accept that and consistently live your life with that in mind this won’t stop.
People in recovery carry on going to NA for most of their life , you can’t just think you are cured after a year .
There is no happy ending here for you or your family unless you stay in a programme , and engage fully .
I feel so sad for you , please get help and stick with it . You really are putting those you love through the worst pain ever , the high is short lived the damage is permanent .
Make a call today please .
In all honesty , and speaking as a wife it’s selfish. You know the hurt you are putting them through and you know the way you will feel after. To make a conscious choice to do it anyway and hurt those you love is probably the worst thing you could do .
Sadly you will always be an addict in recovery and until you accept that and consistently live your life with that in mind this won’t stop.
People in recovery carry on going to NA for most of their life , you can’t just think you are cured after a year .
There is no happy ending here for you or your family unless you stay in a programme , and engage fully .
I feel so sad for you , please get help and stick with it . You really are putting those you love through the worst pain ever , the high is short lived the damage is permanent .
Make a call today please .
Honey , he’s left for one reason only . And that is to carry on using drugs.
Don’t take it personally , it honestly is so he can carry on using. That is what’s on his mind constantly but he can’t tell you that and now the drugs have taken his ability to empathise so being hurtful doesn’t even register . They all do it , please I beg do not take this in … it’s a muse to use .
It’s the saddest thing ever, the manipulation is the worst I think, there is always something they want when they try & reconnect it shows how little they care about you it’s all about what you can provide.
It’s harder on us than them , they know no different.
Sending you hugs , I know what’s ahead but stay strong and we are here for you . Xx
It does honey, it’s hard to understand especially when like us you just can’t see the attraction in doing something that is ruining your health & life .
I just don’t have an addictive personality , so I had to do a lot of research to understand it. And I’m glad I did, or I would have just thought that this was something that would pass .
Just focus on you, and your children and do what’s right for them which is exactly what you are doing now . The hardest thing to do is walk away from somebody you love because it’s the right thing for them and you .
Xxx
Firstly you didn’t deserve it … and secondly all this is coming from a person with a mind that is no longer controlled by him … it sounds like some weird science film doesn’t it . But cocaine rewrites the brain and what you are left with now is a mind that had one purpose to use cocaine , feed its ego , manipulative and lie .
He won’t care what he says of course the old him would probably be devastated but this version lacks empathy , it’s the coldest most harming part of it .
The first thing you need to do is stop your own toxic thoughts about yourself .
You are enough
You tried everything
What you are doing now is helping him although you don’t think you are .
Don’t try and understand why he says what he says or does what he does , you won’t ever so don’t try .
Surround yourself with people who build you up , write yourself a sticky with positive affirmations that you see in the morning .
I am enough
I am strong
I am a good person
I deserve better
This too shall pass .
It happened to me and it is happening to lots of other amazing women. I wish there was a way I could contact you directly it’s going to be tough but you can and will get through this we all will .
Honey , if you read my thread you will see I did the same thing.
They won’t see it, their brain is rewired so that can’t. Cocaine now owns his mind , sadly you are your children won’t even come into his thoughts . You may get the odd text of “ what have I done , I am so sorry “ mostly when high or on a come down but that will be followed by blame shifting anger and sadly abuse .
You did the right thing for you & your children. You won’t trust him again , addicts are always addicts , they can be addicts in recovery and lead good lives again if they get help & stay on the right path but there is no … I use to be an addict .
Sending you love & know the community is here to help . Xx
Yup me too , I had counselling because he made me believe I was the problem , 6 months of counselling because apparently my mood swings causes his relapses .
I had counselling which soon actually made me realise that my moods were a symptom not the cause , he was the cause.
I often took the blame just to keep things calm , thinking okay if I just take this one I can get him happy again and he will quit .
I promise you that you will get to the ping that you will find your voice and finally say ….. ENOUGH!! I no longer will listen to your transferral of blame to me, you won’t believe it you won’t accept it and pretty soon you will soon start to resent him .
Don’t get me wrong I love my husband o bits but right now , I dislike him immensely , he’s toxic to me and our son.
Honey it’s awful , and nobody apart from those of us that have walked the same path as you will ever understand how it feels.
I hope he sees sense honey, but don’t keep dragging him out of burning building that he will run straight back into 2 weeks later .
Xx
That resonates also , the two week cycle . Mine would have regret be okay for 2 weeks then off we would go again.
As much as we can tell you sweetheart and you can read our stories , you will try and help until you really have been broken to the core . Only then will you have the strength to keep those boundaries and you will I promise .
You will read grown men walking away from perfect lives & families and choosing cocaine over anybody else .
It’s really important that you , protect yourself now. It’s easy for me to say now , and even after making my husband of 19 years homeless currently living in his van that I knew every time I kept a roof over his head I was enabling.
I watched him beg that night say all the things I wanted to hear , when I stood my ground he went from crying to spewing venomous hate . I knew right there and then I had done the right thing .
They get taken from us, but you can’t hold on and you can’t make them quit . But you can save yourself .
The disappearing , the hanging out with new people the staying up it’s all classic behaviour. Tomorrow is a new day for you …. But until he’s ready to get real help it’s just another day of doing what he needs to to feed his habit so nothing new just an old habit .
Xx
I really wish I could tell you something positive Mariaf but there is no happy ending here , not where he is currently at , sadly having been here myself, unless they truly want to stop I am afraid that your words are lost on them.
I wasted 3 years of my life trying to save my husband, I have been manipulated ,lied to, blamed verbally abused called a psycho a narcissist a sociopath all by the man I loved for 19 years.
Sweetheart it changes them so much. to the point you no longer recognise them, this forum will help as you will read stories which will be like reading your own life story it all goes the same way.
My advice is this , research the illness so you understand it … this is nothing you have done… know that the man you love will not be put you before drugs, that now comes first and foremost.
You cannot save him and you will break yourself trying to do so, he won’t quit cocaine whilst he is drinking he needs to stop both it’s as you will read largely the only way.
He needs to reach rock bottom before he will stop and even then he might not. But do not let him drag you down there too especially financially .My husband swore on our sons life he would quit he relapsed time and time again. My son stood sobbing begging him to stop , it did not register he said I had brainwashed him.
We are all here to help and I bet there isn’t a single scenario that you have been through or going thorough that we haven’t .
My husband left because it was easier to use, I took him back twice and then as soon as I started asking him to do tests he would create a row and leave .
Emotional relapse is a real thing they will sub consciously cause a row so that they can go get high they don’t even know they do it. He will go get high and you will be left damaged by everything that was said , they lack so much empathy when they are in the depths of addiction they no longer care if you are hurt.
Sending love and strength x
My husband also went to live with his mum until in the end she kicked him out after the police were called by my son after he rang him saying he was going to end his life, he was supposed to say a few weeks 4 months later he was still there, he manages to convince her that he isn’t using and I have tried time and time again to try and make her look for the signs but I guess it’s denial.
This may seem weird but I get to the point when I can envisage the funeral and people upset and my standing up and saying ” why didn’t you just believe me”
Masters of Manipulation, Like Redfox says you want to help them so badly but you just can’t reach them.
My husband says he will get help as he wants his family back but I do not see him getting it , his behavior does not match his words in the slightest it is just one large game of deception.
It took me years to get here and my mental health suffered as a result , when I look back now I wished I had seen sense sooner , but like addicts having to reach rock bottom I think we also have to hit our own rock bottom to have the strength to stop running into a burning building and getting burnt trying to save somebody who we know will run straight back in again.
What we thought was supporting was actually helping them to get further away from us. x
Absolutely, it’s hard because you know it’s an illness, but eventually even that doesn’t help the pain of being on the receiving end of their lies & manipulation, whilst they literally feel nothing.
I will say though that, I’ve been in “ I can save him mode “ for years before it actually sunk in that I was helping nobody and damaging only me .
I read all this stories of partners just finding out and I think of how I was just like them and knowing what lies ahead truly is heartbreaking.
I’m pleased you are slowly healing too, the hardest thing is closing that door and maintaining your boundaries. But after every plea for forgiveness follows yet another lie or verbal abuse when you call them out .
Especially when they are quite the narcissist anyway. X
I agree 100 % with this , my husband 19 years just cut myself and his 15 year old son off because we told him we can longer deal with his addiction and all the awful behaviors that come with it.
They will choose cocaine over people they once loved every time without exception.
If be interested in hearing about this to as I think my other half is doing the same . He keeps deleting WhatsApp , then goes back on it the deletes it again . Very odd behaviour .