[Survivor7]

Hi Vivian,

I often revisit this webpage because over almost two years ago it was the eye opener that kick started my journey to freedom. Everybody comments ” this is like reading my life” and that is because it is and no matter how far you are down this road this WILL be your life forever. Addicts will always be addicts they may well be in recovery at some point but they are only one mishap away from that rabbit hole.

My husband of 19 years became a monster I have no need to list all of the things he did because you already know them as they are probably now happening to you , we also have a child together I worked hard trying to get him  help and support for the addiction for over 4 years my desire to bring back our happy family and give our child their father back  drove me to keep going and indeed there was the odd month of sobriety and then  sure as anything a relapse. He spent 65k on cocaine over a period of three years each relapse got worse. I was impacted by his acute paranoia and accused of all sorts of crazy stuff , I brought drugs tests… he brought synthetic urine to pass them (yes they can buy this) the level they will go to deceive is unreal.

My mental health declined, I started to believe it was my fault you will relate to this because I can guarantee your partner has said it to you, they have a great way of turning stuff around and making your reaction to their behaviours the symptom not the cause.. One day I took a knife and cut my own skin this was the final straw, his reaction was unsympathetic and I was told I was deeply unwell and needed help. In fact I was alone, embarassed, scared, tired and felt hopeless  and I know you all feel this too.

From the outside I portrayed everything as okay it wasn’t…. he had cheated on me, he would  go missing would sit alone in his van watching porn high as a kite. This was to be my future and I was inviting our child to be part of it. ABSOLUTELY not , si I had to grow a pair  this wasn;t just about me and him and I said the next test he failed he was gone, it was hard as I knew he would fail, all the promises meant nothing they were relentlessly broken so I knew that this time would be no different. He failed I kicked him out, I cried and cried and cried it was a release and a relief, now all I had to do was stay strong…. this forum helped I read daily the stories written by broken girlfriends, wives and mothers . He tried to come back I stood my ground this was not the life I wanted for my child and I sure as heck was not going to give him a front seat row and subject him to the same trauma, that would have been on me.

It got ugly it always does , he carried on using and he would go from Mr Nice Guy to threats and still to this day he follows suit.

I grew stronger and stronger and eventually I met somebody new it took a while I trusted nobody and I became closed down. I am now in a healthy loving relationship and when I think back now I see just how manipulated and trapped I had become all because of love.

Our child now does not see their dad, it is the right decision for now, deep down I know he is a good bloke but he won’t ever be the same again and neither will I. I am grateful for the years we had and the lessons that loving an addict has taught me.

There is light at the end of that dark tunnel, this isn’t normal please do not normalise this behaviour and you cannot love them better so please don’t think you can , they love cocaine more than you. more than their child I know that is hard to hear but it is correct, their brains no longer function the same  walking away does not mean you have failed t!!!!  Yes they need support but not at the expense of you being abused physically financially or emotionally sometimes the kindest thing you can do is walk away even when they hit rock bottom the brain is so dysfunctional it doesn’t even comprehend.

They have to fix themselves and they have to want to. I send you all love and hope and know that whatever is happening under your roof now I have been through time and time again whatever promises you have heard I have heard them too . You can either be writing the same posts for the next year one saying everything is great than another a month later saying they have relapsed again or you can be me checking in to see just how far you have come and how dark that time was and posting your own journey to recovery .

 

I hope and pray it is the latter.

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