[susan-church]

I feel better for coming across these posts

As in I’m not alone thank god

So hi my story is this

Together for quite a few years

He suffers with depression anxiety p t s d

From child hood trauma

Lots of health problems

Anyway

I met him he was amazing

Fun

Built like a protector

I felt safe

I felt happy

We had a child

He was an amazing father

He cooked

He cleaned

He loved doing things

The list goes on

Then one day I arrive home to find him doing drugs in the house

He had lost weight and I kept saying to a few friends do you think he has cancer I was crying every day he looked so ill

He would get up and not wash or have food straight out the door all day long stop working just out all day and then lies saying he broke down in his car or he fell a sleep round a friends house so many things happened to him the list is long

I fell for it all

I got him in the doctors for blood tests

I was worried sick

Turns out he was bang on hard drugs

As rewind to me coming home finding him doing them

I threw him out straight away

He went to a hostel

He said he would get help and change

So few weeks later I took him back

Because I did not want to break my family up

And I loved him with every part of me

He did change for a while

Few months later bang on it again

He broke down and said he needed help

And he wanted to die

So of course I stuck with hi. And got him help

We moved home to get away from people

And things were going good

And then one day I was making the bed and found something that had come out of his pocket as he started to sleep in his clothes ready to get out the house quicker so I threw him out he went to stay with a friend

And went to a help centre and went on medication that I watch him take daily

He hasn’t gone back he looks better has weight on him but … he has now replaced the addiction with drink he drinks all day every day and takes painnkilllers and smokes weed

I finally had enough of him not working anymore not doing anything with me or the kids not helping me around the house him not looking after himself anymore his angry he can be nasty with his words he has no respect for me he just uses me for money that I threw him out finally I don’t know how I did but I did

And he now has his own flat

And I feel so guilty

I feel like I have abandoned him

I feel like the worse person

I don’t know whether I’m going to find him dead or alive every day my anxiety is sky home

I go to work and I feel better as I’m not thinking about him

Then night time comes and I don’t know if he is ok and taking his tablets

He treats me like an emotional punchbag

And I can’t take seeing him

I can’t take talking to him

I can’t speaking to him

But I have to

For the kids sake

I have to check he is ok

As I don’t want this kids to loose there dad

I am trying so hard

I agree with everything he says to save the stress and worry and angry

I have no life

He can’t let go off me

He says it’s my fault he has turned out the way he has

He says I’m a bad person for making him leave the family home but he dose not see that he made me do it with his behaviours

I hate my self

I hate him for doing this to our family

We had it all

[Author]

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