[susieq]

I’m kind of going through something similar. I’m with my bf for almost 19 years. He’s been doing cocaine the all these years on a monthly basis. I’ve been reading the posts and it seems that my deep dark secret is not so uncommon. He’s a wonderful man and he worships me. We live in his childhood home that I love as much as he does. We both garden and it truly is keeping me sane. Once a month he would meet up with the old gang and I wouldn’t hear from him for days. That was in the beginning, I’ve been living here for about 12 years now. His monthly going out would always end up with us in a fight and not speaking for days and days. Sometimes it was worse than others. As he’s gotten older he has serious medical issues, diabetes, emphysema, open heart surgery and pacemaker defibrillator. I took care of him through it all. Ok, so the first few weeks we cleaned up the yard, then it was Easter so I planned on a nice dinner for us and my son and I cooked for 2 days. I brought food to my son and his family the day before so I could see my grandson. I stayed in the yard with a mask and gloves and I said goodbye and told them I probably wouldn’t be seeing them again for awhile because of my bf’s health conditions. You know the whole way home I had a sick feeling in my stomach. Well to my surprise when I got home he was doing coke and watching pornography. I flipped out and screamed and yelled and I told him I was not going to take care of him anymore. I took away his remote control and stayed away from him. On Easter morning I went in to check on him and he started screaming and locked his door. I haven’t seen his face since that happened. He’s locked in his room for almost 2 weeks. This house is old and it has a small 3 room apt connected. Probably was the maids rooms. He has his own entrance. He goes out to buy cigarettes and food. He hasn’t eaten any of the food I made. The best part is, he told me I was selfish. Lol. I’m beyond devastated, just when you feel you’re getting close to them again and you let your guard down, it happens again. Cocaine is truly their first love. He always told me that he’s going to do it forever. I’m so sad because I truly love him but the years of lies and secrets and Disappointments starts to wear you out. I also am very spiritual and I believe this is a time to go within. We are supposed to be elevating our consciousness while we are locked down. Not every soul agreed to be here for this awakening, so even though it hurts me so much, I’m trying to see the good that may come out of it. So many people are dying you would think they would be concerned about their health. While I was out getting hand sanitizer and wipes and food, he was getting drugs. During this time we have to take care of ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically. Cocaine is a way to escape reality. I also believe we chose our path in life before we came here. We need to take care of ourselves first. I’ve been walking again and it’s so beautiful outside on the sunny days. Rainy days I do little projects and housework. I meditate every day and that helps so much too. Addiction, whether it’s drugs or alcohol ruins everything. And they don’t care, you’re the bad guy not them. Thanks

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