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Sadly I’m also in the same camp and have been for 15 years. My wife’s alcholism is slowly killing her. She typically drinks 3 to 4 bottles of wine a day, everyday and will start sneaking drinks not only through the night (hidden wine bottles in her bedside cabinet) but from the moment she wakes up until she crashes out asleep on the couch in the evening. In some respect I’m past caring what happens and given up hope she will change as I have tried many times to support her but to no avail. I know unless someone wants to change they won’t so I’ve given up trying as it becomes sooo draining. I have 2 wonderful kids however I know her behaviour is taking a toll on us all. She recently had a test that showed liver function abnormalities, so my fear is cirrhosis has started as everyday i notice her physical and mental health is deteriorating, though she is still in denial she has an issue.
You never know what hand life is going to deal you, you’ve just got to play it out and try to look after yourself through the craziness and enjoy what you do have. Sometimes it’s the small wins that count.
You are not alone in asking those questions. Living and loving anyone who has an addiction is incredibly difficult and puts you on a never ending emotional roller coaster. So the answer of how to react is all of the above. I know from sad experience with my partner who is an alcoholic in total denial.
As to it being an illness or choice I am currently in the camp of it being a choice. People don’t choose to be ill, i know as I watched my mum succumb to cancer and she would have given anything to have not had that awful disease. However, if you make life choices such as smoke, drink or do drugs knowing that they will impact your physical and mental health then that is your choice to make, and also your choice to stop and get help before the consequences become irreversible.
It comes down to the addict taking personal responsibility for their actions and asking for help. If they choose to do neither then no one else can help them.
The only person you can help is yourself. You have to focus on you and not their addiction. It’s hard to do, however it empowers you and breaks the cycle of enabling / codependecy which ultimately helps them.
Remember, if they fall don’t pick them up. They have to suffer the consequences of their actions to make them want to change.
Hey Charlotte stay strong, you have gone above and beyond with the help, love and support you have shown your mum. Sadly, there is not much you can do for her. Alcoholics have to change because they want to and not because of what anyone else wants. Unless your mum decides to get help then she will carry on drinking. Sometimes the only time they stop is when they hit rock bottom and sometimes they don’t, which is a sad fact of life. This may be hard for you or your family to see or accept however it’s the only time she will seek out help. I watched a short film from a recovering alcoholic who explained his journey and said exactly the same as i have posted that until he hit the bottom he had no desire to change his behaviour even though he knew how much hurt and pain he was causing his family. Showing tough love is difficult, however if you cover for her or shield her then she cannot face the consequences of her behaviour.
Remember the most important person in this is you. You need to focus on yourself and your children and not her or her drinking, as the only person you can change is yourself. By doing this it will help you cope better and improve your life as you can start to enjoy yourself more and focus on the positives. I won’t say this will be easy, it won’t, and you’ll have good and bad days emotionally, however if you stay strong it will get better for you over time.
I do know it’s tough and we all have our ups and downs trying to stay strong. There is sadly no magic potion to make this stop, as it ultimately comes down to the selfish actions of our partners. They don’t see that it affects us and our children and that we have to struggle through each day watching them disappear one drink at a time, turning from the person we fell in love to someone we no longer recognise.
I know this last xmas week has been really tough for me as my wife has upped her drinking to between 4 to 5 bottles of wine a day. She drinks throughout the day so thinks nothing of it, and my fear is her tolerance levels have increased as she doesn’t seem drunk, which is a really bad sign. I recently read an article about a 48yr old mum who drank a similar amount to my wife over a similar 10 year period and ended up with full liver failure with a few months to live. The similarities were frightening.
The sad thing is they only need to ask for help from us yet they either wont or don’t want to which I really don’t understand.
I truly hope that things turn around for you in the new year and either he finally gets some help or you find the strength you need to take control of your life back.
Good luck and best wishes
Hi I have been married for about 15 years and for the last 10 or so my wife’s drinking has gone from a few glasses of wine a night to about 4 bottles a day, everyday. She has always “liked” a drink but the bit that hurt the most to me is the early morning drinking and secret drinking and finding hidden bottles around the house. I often would dread coming home from work at 5pm as I never knew what sort of state she would be in. Deep down I knew she would be drunk and I could always tell by her bloodshot eyes. Like you and since lockdown I have worked from home and noted her habits of loitering around the kitchen so she can sneak drinks of wine. I have confronted her in the past a number of times about her drinking and each time she said she will change but doesn’t. I think partly its because they see it like a thrill from having an illicit secret affair, only its with the booze and not another person. Personally I can see the only way she will change is if she has a major health crisis (not that I would want her to have something like this, though I can’t see how her health isn’t being impacted already) and even then I am not sure she would stop. Sadly I am stuck, as we have young kids and my desire to protect them outweighs my desire to leave, as her drinking would put them at risk as she often falls asleep from being drunk. Honestly, even though I love my wife deeply and it hurts me a lot to see her this way if I knew this was how she would end up and how its made me feel I wouldn’t have married her as it just complicates things even more.
Please believe me when I say you are not alone, there are a lot of us in the same situation. I can truly empathise with how you are feeling as I am in a similar situation, however in my case my wife is an alcoholic and has been for a number of years.
If you think he has a problem with drinking then you are probably right. A partner hiding alcohol is one of the biggest signs of a deep problem with drink. I have been there, found the bottles and confronted my wife over them.
You may feel a bit better for raising your concerns and it may have some benefit as you will love your partner and will want to help them, however as I have found out once someone is addicted then unless they want to change and they seek out professional help there is not much you can do for them. If you do speak to him remember to focus on his behaviour and not yours. Alcoholics are very good at reversing and putting the focus back on you. The main thing to note is they and they alone choose to drink, you are not responsible for their actions.
The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your children. It’s is really hard to do i know as a lot of your focus will be on your partners drinking and I know from bitter experience it ends up not only becoming your obsession but you start to feel resentment towards them as well. Please try to not focus or count their drinks or work out how much they are drinking, and also please don’t ask your kids to do the same. Kids will feel conflicted spying on their parents.
Your priority needs to be your own mental and physical health and that of your children. If you haven’t done so already then talking to a friend, relative or via a support group does help as living in silence is really difficult. Also try doing something like exercise or hobby that you like doing for yourself and with your children as we often forget about ourselves and kids in this process.
I have kids also and make sure I spend time with them each day either playing games or taking them out somewhere. and I also have started exercising as I have found it helps and built my own self esteem.
I hope the above has helped somewhat and truly wish you well for the future.
Hi I hope you are okay and please stay strong. Sorry for the long reply as I am in a very similar situation and have 2 kids.
My wife is an alcoholic and has been for 10 plus years. She suffers from anxiety and I believe that she uses drink as a means of controlling it. Sadly she doesn’t see that drinking makes it worse which starts the endless spiral into alcoholism. She drinks around 3 to 4 bottles of wine a day, every day. I use to dread coming home from work as she would often be fairly drunk and would normally pass out after dinner. She doesn’t work and since lockdown I have been working from home which makes what she does during the day even more obvious. She pretty much starts drinking on the sly as soon as she gets up thinking I don’t know, then she starts drinking visibly around 3pm when it looks appropriate and this continues throughout the evening until she goes to sleep at night, often taking a glass of wine to bed with her.
I have found empty bottles of wine hidden around the house and I have talked to her many times about her drinking, the hidden bottles and nothing has worked. The first time I raised it she walked out on me and the kids. She came back later and stated that drinking makes her happy and I was the one with the problem. When I first found out she drank in the morning she was embarrassed and said she’d cut down but hasn’t. I am stuck on an emotional roller coaster with her as I love her and want her to get better as I know she is a good person however nothing I do or say has an impact.
I’ve said before that the only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your child and not their drinking. Unless an alcoholic wants to get help then there is nothing you can do. It’s a challenge as you feel somehow responsible, but your not. You cannot force them to do anything they don’t want to do, it is their choice not yours.
Just focus on you, and spending time doing something for yourself and keeping your physical and mental health strong. Hard to do I know from experience but the only thing in your control.
We are each on our own journey, however we are not alone and can support each other along the way to hopefully a happy outcome.
Hey, I can totally empathise with you as my wife of 20 years is an alcoholic in denial. She drinks around 4 bottles of wine a day, every day and refuses to get help. I think she started drinking after our first child was born to steady her nerves as she suffers from anxiety ,but the drinking just makes it worse and she refuses to acknowledge that they are linked. She starts drinking most mornings on the sly thinking I don’t know but I do. I love my wife but living with her is like being on a horrible emotional roller coaster that I cannot get off and I have found my own mental health suffering as a result as I don’t know what version she is going to be each day either super drunk, drunk or functioning drunk. As we have kids together i know i need to keep myself strong to give them some normality in there lives.
Sadly you cannot change her behaviour, or stop her drinking I know and have tried and it doesn’t work period. She is an addict and unless she wants to get help there is nothing you can do about it. Sadly sometimes only a crisis will make this change happen but by then if its health related it may be too late.
The only real change you can make is to look after your own health and wellbeing and of your children. Posting on here is a first step in doing that as you realise you are not alone. Focus on doing something each day for yourself and children whether it be exercise or a hobby (I’ve taken up exercise and found it helps). Also try talking to someone or family member. Its funny in that you don’t want to talk as you feel a sense of shame about the situation which is not if your making however i talked to my brother and sister who had already guessed from my wife’s behaviour and i found it helped a small bit.
The hard task is try not focus your thinking about her drinking, hard to do I know but it becomes your obsession and you will feel anger and resentment if you do
I won’t sugar coat it as this is a very tough road we are on, so don’t beat yourself up if things get on top of you. Just take each day as it comes, set time aside and focus on you.