[thelostone]

give it a few more months and he will have you feeling like you’ve lost your mind…. along with your respect, sense of self worth and any resolve you have left.

An addict will argue with you until you’re just too exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally. They have no respect for themselves so don’t expect them to have any for you or other loved ones. They also have zero insight into the damage they are doing to you or others.

Get away now whilst you still can.

[thelostone]

Making ultimatums doesn’t work. Threats don’t work. Begging doesn’t work. Consider this; what if he leaves something lying around and your son finds it, or worst still tries it. Sounds extreme but I know someone this happened too.

Put yourself first, you and your son. Because an addict is nothing but selfish and will take take take. Get out while you can.

[thelostone]

Yes my ex was able to work. It fluctuates between using until he runs out of money and they not using for a few days. He’s pawned and sold stuff to get heroin and crack. He’s done rehab, come back and used, been clean for a few months and then used again..he can be clean for about 14 weeks, starts to look good, has money, has work.. and then he will use again. You’ll get a ridiculous lie when you know what they’re doing.. like they think you’re stupid. it never ends.

Classic way to lie to themselves; they are in control, they can stop, they tell so many lies to themselves and others I think they actually believe the sh*t they spout.

Just walk away for the sake of your health, sanity and own life.

[thelostone]

I feel for all on this post still suffering this crap. Let me tell you this.. 4 years later my (now ex) is still using, still trying to connect with me and nothing ever changes.

When this first all started, I called a drug help line. This is the advice the man gave me – “run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!’

At first I thought this was really bad advice, not sympathetic and not understanding where I was. It took me four years of complete and utter misery and hell to realise what I should’ve done from day one, listen to what that man told me.

You are only going to waste your life, time, energy and it is going to drag you down until you have NO self esteem, no sanity, no sense of worth and you are mentally and physically ill.. and you know what? The addict you care so much about won’t give one crap as long as he’s getting his junk and using.

Get it OUT of your life. Don’t be gas lit. Don’t accept it. Walk away and let them see what they’ve lost. It may be the wake up call they need. Or it may not. But put yourself first!

[thelostone]

I read your reply and thought ‘what a strange coincidence!’ But there are no such things as coincidence, only the illusion of coincidence. Because after 17 weeks my ex called me. Then began a barrage of letters, messages and texts. He said he was clean. Approximately 6-8 weeks.

He did 10 weeks in rehab. Came out and within two and a half weeks, he’d used. That was when I walked away.

I looked back at this thread. I started this, A LONG TIME AGO, when I first discovered my boyfriend had used. It’s been a long journey and I still haven’t got him out of my life.

But the last post here.. coco.. this is so strange. Because my partner has just said ‘something feels different this time’ like he has had some big revelation. He has just stopped. He had a monthly injection but aside from that, as you said coco, he just stopped seemingly because he wanted to. Do I kid myself ‘this is it’? NO. I’ve told him our relationship is over, but I know he doesn’t believe that and is now moving heaven and earth to get me back… but I’m nobodies fool now. I will protect myself as fiercely as I once lived him.

Who knows what comes next?

[thelostone]

Addicts are two people. You have the real version of them, the loving caring funny intelligent person, and then you have the drug version – the selfish, uncaring, rude, arrogant, denying, lying a**hole. That is a universal truth, whoever the person. They will sell their granny to get their drugs and have NO compunction lying.

So unless your partner sees the problem in her use, there is literally NO hope for you. And yes, it’s heartbreaking. No only losing the true person, but also dealing with the damage they cause you, the pain, the heartache, the sense of loss..

you really have to deal with your heartache and start to resolve these things, so that you can find peace. Heartache doesn’t last forever.

[thelostone]

I really do feel for you. Because I don’t think you will get the answers you want either… neither your ex or her family seem anywhere near wanting to stop.. and that is the problem.

When you love an addict, anger becomes your second nature. Anger and heartache. You’ve had to walk out and leave behind your entire life because she is just too selfish to stop.. but be brutally honest with yourself.. what does that tell you about how much she values and loves you?

I’ve been where you are, and I would advise you just start to deal with the recurring thoughts. Not block them, but acknowledge them and then let them go. Just tell yourself.. ‘let it go’ because otherwise it will eat you up and make you angry. The pain does pass. Believe me. But you cannot possibly continue the way things are, you are completely at loggerheads over your lifestyles.

[thelostone]

Hi David,

Yes he is. He calls me pretty much every day and although he has his ups and downs he seems determined to do it.

How are things with you?

[thelostone]

You should. Do it for yourself.

[thelostone]

But you are only writing it down in the hope she will read it. It’s just so you can say what you need to say. But right now, she is in total denial. A drug addict deep in addiction will not admit to any hurt or harm they’ve caused.

It sounds like she doesn’t care too much 🙁 She seems to care more about the drugs and her lifestyle than your relationship.

[thelostone]

But you are only writing it down in the hope she will read it. It’s just so you can say what you need to say. But right now, she is in total denial. A drug addict deep in addiction will not admit to any hurt or harm they’ve caused.

It sounds like she doesn’t care too much 🙁 She seems to care more about the drugs and her lifestyle than your relationship.

[thelostone]

“if anyone is “attacking” her, she turns into a different person and attacks back harder.

of course this means that any attempt to ever discuss anything she has done to hurt me means I am “attacking” her by talking about it.” That is all classic drug behaviour.

With regard to the trust thing, no my partner knows what he’s done. He has apologised more than once and said that he totally understands there is no trust. He has a lot of things to face in rehab, his own issues and unresolved things… but he has for a long time acknowledged his behaviour towards me, the lies, the deceit, the abuse… I have written him many letters – before he went to rehab.

Maybe you could write a letter?

[thelostone]

if she is not willing to open up and talk to you honestly, and take on board what you are saying.. she is still using. This is what they do. Invalidate your feelings. It’s called denial. Deny they have a problem, deny it affects anyone but them, deny that it’s harmful… it’s all the same pattern of behaviour. So, just break away.. for your own sanity and long term well being. She doesn’t sound anywhere near ready to stop using or even accept that she has a problem. And she may NEVER accept that she has a problem, so how long do you want to keep fighting?

Sorry if I sound … blunt… but I’ve been there and done it myself, and wish someone had said this to me when I was fighting. Now.. I can say I am in a better place. My partner has at least acknowledged how damaged he is and that he needed to help, and he is where he is, getting that help. But do I think he will stay clean when home? NO. All trust is gone. 🙁

[thelostone]

..

[thelostone]

Hi David,

my partner went into rehab 3 weeks ago.. so I am enjoying the peace of mind and space. He calls me pretty much every day, and I can say for the first time that he is clinically ‘clean’ – but will he stay clean when he comes back home.. I really don’t ever think he will.. to be brutally honest. This is where I am. Not worrying WHAT will happen when he comes home. I am just enjoying the space and peace.

As long as your girlfriend is still using, you ARE wasting your time talking to her. Trust me, I know from bitter experience. But it’s best to cut off and if she shows no sign of stopping, cut loose.

[Author]

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