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oh my love.. I feel so sorry for you. They will be the people supplying him. What friends turn up at the door to chat for a few minutes? None of this is right.
I ignored my instincts for months. Until one night, he went home saying he was tired. Yet he didn’t look tired.. and that night, I called him and heard in his voice.. something not right. He dashed home from his crack den in the time it took me to get to his flat.. and I knew then.. after months of things not quite being right.. it was drugs. He admitted it. If I could turn back time, I would have walked away that night (nearly two years ago) and never looked back.
you really have to start considering getting him out of your life. And be prepared for the begging, bargaining. Even if he admits to it, he will say “I will get help, I will change.’ I doubt, however, he will admit to anything right now. Like me, you would have to present him with evidence.
‘You do too much for your children.’? Alarm bells should be ringing my darling. No caring loving man would say that.
Don’t worry, I had two ruined birthdays with him. One, he threw a fit and stormed off because his sister disagreed with him about something totally inconsequential. Last year, having cut him out of my life, he hand posted a £1 card, saying he had to let me go. This year.. 3 weeks away, he WON’T be spoiling another one. Even alone, it will be better without him. Because I will have peace of mind, and I won’t be crying. And to be fair, my partner wasn’t really that abusive. It was more the lies.. but you are suffering abuse. Mental abuse.. and it will make you very ill. You may start suffering depression and you won’t even know it. I had to seek counselling in the end. I was getting counselling while he continued using that junk, without a care in the world.
Don’t you think you deserve more? Even if you can’t see yourself in another relationship and still love him, as I do my fella.. you deserve to be loved and cared for, and supported (emotionally and materially). Is he doing that?
yes, it probably is to justify his own illicit behaviour he’s been hiding from you. However, heavy coke use will make him extremely paranoid. My partner smoked so much crack cocaine he called me and said someone was trying to get into his flat and kill him. He has also become so paranoid his own sister woke to find him hovering over her holding a knife.
As I said, you have to think of him as two people. Like my partner, I know instantly whether he is himself, an adorable loving man, or the loathsome pitiful junkie.. it’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
One piece of advice I would give you.. try to stop ruminating on past good times. They are in the past, and almost certainly won’t be coming back unless he can go into recovery and STAY CLEAN for a substantial amount of time. So reminiscing on the past won’t help you. You have to become stronger now and deal with the man in front of you. And right now that man in front of you has taken money and in all probability, lied to you for some time.
none of this sounds good, does it? I don’t need to tell you, you know it in your heart.
Do you have a plan for yourself moving forward?
no, it’s no basis for a relationship. Eventually it will lead to him taking it from you without asking.. stealing. If there is no trust there, there is no relationship.
A person with nothing to hide does not get defensive.
Children are loving and will accept most people. Is he providing for your children?
I imagine if he was asked to leave, he would struggle to pay his rent, bills, buy food and support himself. A well paid job and he never has any money. What is he spending it on? You are making it incredibly easy for him to kick back with his habit whilst you support him, feed him and now, financially support him. Darling, you deserve better than this. And the man you fell in love with would not treat you like this. But it sounds like the man you fell in love with is lost to drugs.. same as mine.
I really can feel your pain and heartache. I truly can.
I think in your heart you know the truth, don’t you? None of that is normal behaviour. It’s a great cover to say you’re paying back dealers… but honestly, dealers don’t usually let an addict get that much in debt because they know they will never get their money back.
I feel so sorry for you. Because you are behind me in terms on the journey you’re on. But you are certainly not alone.
I would encourage you to start putting some boundaries in place. You must think of the children and the impact this may have on them, if things deteriorate. You also have to consider your own mental health and wellbeing. I was ill for months and months at a time.. if it doesn’t manifest itself mentally it will come out physically.
Are you able to reconnect with your sisters?
I would not be doing you a justice if I wasn’t brutally honest to you. I think – from what you’ve said – he is using.
Firstly, stop blaming yourself. For wanting to see the good in him, for trusting him, even for tolerating his use and staying with him.. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. You are a good, loving person – and that is NOT something to blame yourself for. Not trusting him, that is NOT your fault. He is given you reason to not trust him anymore. Two people make a relationship and when one person breaks that trust, it is THEIR fault. It is not your fault, or your problem to just get over it and rebuild it.
I think the best advice I would give you, is to start putting in place practical things to protect yourself – as he is at home with you. Because if.. IF he is using, it is only a matter of time before things will start going missing from your home, as he looked to fund an increasingly bad habit.
Don’t expect honesty from him. You won’t get it. You need to start thinking of him in these terms.. yes there was a loving caring guy.. but if he is using and has not been clean for a substantial amount of time.. then you are living with Mr Hyde.
Can you speak to him? Is he dismissive? How would he react if you asked him to take a drug test? If you openly tell him you are finding it difficult to trust him.. and want to rebuild the trust.. (a person with nothing to hide will not object as violently and vehemently as a user). If he loves you and genuinely is clean, then this should not be an issue.
My partner offered to take a test (knowing the recovery centre are not doing them right now). Approx 7 days later, after I found his drug contacts on his new phone.. he emailed me and admitted to the ‘occasional lapse.’ He looked me in the eye and lied when asked ‘are you using’? He told me he’d kicked the hard stuff and was only smoking weed. Know this.. an addict will lie and lie and lie. Never forget that.
quite honestly, everything you’re written.. that’s been me.
You drive yourself crazy – your mind goes into overdrive. What’s true, what’s a lie? You simply do not have the trust anymore.
My partner wasn’t the same man. When not on drugs, he was Mr Wonderful. When on that crap, he was abusive, rude, aggressive. Angry. He was just not even a nice person. Isn’t a nice person. And when he was like that, he bought out the worse in me. Made me angry, made me swear at him, spy on him, violate his privacy to find out the truth when I knew he was lying. I became a different person, not the loving, trusting, giving person I am. How can you be? You can’t be a loving, trusting, giving person to an addict. Because you can’t trust them and all they will do is take take take.
I live alone. So I have that space. I have (numerous times) blocked him on my phone, my email.. every platform he could use to contact me. I have ignored him when he turns up at my door. In the end he wrote cards and letters. Went into recovery for first time ever in March. Now lapsed.. I searched his phone when he refused to admit it (I knew, his behaviour was all I needed to know).. and so now I have blocked him again and refused to answer the door to him. My next stepping stone is when he posts something through my door. Which he will. An addict will never give up on a person that tolerates them, loves them, cares for them and puts up with their continuous lies and bad behaviour.
If he is only (I say only) sniffing coke, it takes very little time to ingest it. It’s not like smoking crack or H. It’s not time consuming but it will burn through money.. and affect his moods. Does any of that sound familiar?
Try and search these forums. There are a couple of people that are cocaine addicts and they have come on here to get help. You can reply to their post and ask them any questions you have related to the drug itself and drug use. No one would know better than them ..
bless you. From what you’re telling me, he sounds like he is using. Paying off drug debt? There aren’t that many dealers that will let you get that heavily in debt. And from what you’ve told me, never got any money.. runny nose? It really does not sound good.
To an extent we let them treat us as we do. But you are going through your own stages of learning, and development. I knew NOTHING about drugs. Never used. Never wished to. But now.. I know the signs. The behaviour. The pattern.. I just know. And you will learn too. Have a look at this page:
https://www.drugrehab.com/addiction/drugs/cocaine/signs-of-cocaine-use/
and I have copied below something you need to see:
Cocaine is a stimulant that makes a person move faster, talk faster and think at a higher speed. This heightened state of arousal is often apparent to others.
Other signs and symptoms of cocaine use include:
Enlarged or dilated pupils
Runny nose or nosebleeds
Changes in sleeping and eating patterns
Talkativeness
Lack of inhibition
Higher confidence
Excessive enthusiasm
Decreased appetite
Mood swings
Involuntary muscle twitching (tics)
Impotence in males
Irritability
Nausea
Paranoia (unreasonable distrust of others)
Hypersensitivity to sight, sound and touch
Engaging in risky behaviors, such as unsafe sex
Perhaps do some research. Forearmed is forewarned and if you know what to look for, you can start to put up some things to protect yourself.
https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/
Just have a read of their sites.. but if you want more personal advice you can always ask on here. Some of us sadly have personal experience so can give you our take on things.
How are you feeling right now about things?
if you will allow me to give you some practical advice…
he has a good job, but never any money. He contributes once in a blue moon (which sounds to me like he is getting an almost free ride with you). Are you 100% sure he is not still using? Do you really have enough trust that you can say that. I ask you this because you – like I – will lie to yourself and try to convince yourself all is ok. It was only when my every instinct was screaming at me that I faced what I knew – my partner had lapsed and was using.
If there is ANY danger he is using, make sure you keep your money/cards/valuables well away from him. Keep them with a trusted love one if you have to.
You have a lot of anger, so you need to speak to someone and find a way to resolve this. If it transpires he is still using.. how much angrier will you get? You will feel like a fool for trusting him (you’re not a fool by the way) You’re a good decent person, trying to see the best in someone that has an addiction). Ask yourself this: do you care for yourself as much as you do this man? And then ask yourself this: how much does he seem to care for you – when he dismisses your feelings, invalidates them (which ALL addicts do, rather than own their part in your unhappiness).
Being with an addict is like dragging someone from a burning building and they keep running back inside. At some point, you will get so burnt you have to walk away – to save yourself.
Is there no chance you could reconnect with your sisters? Your family? It is not something to be ashamed of, to go for help and be honest. Even if you wrote them a letter? If not, you have us on the forum.. and the link for the live chat I gave you (those guys are amazing).
I read what you wrote and honestly, you are not in a relationship that’s worth saving.. the same as I am not. I am maybe a bit further down the link, having blocked him and living on my own.. but i KNOW how difficult it is to break away.
Do you honestly think anything is going to change?
Trust me, it’s NOT you.
You will have changed as a result of this but you can make this a positive experience and learn from it. You will go through a lot of things.. acceptance being one of them .. and the anger should subside .. but you don’t sound like you are in a loving supportive relationship. You will almost certainly never get what you need from this man. As I have learned. Which breaks the heart. Because you love them. You want things to be as they were. You want to see the best in them. You tell yourself how much they love you really.
You clearly have no trust there. Same as me. You need to start putting up some boundaries to protect yourself. What do you think might help? Do you live together? Is this a relationship you feel you can walk away from.. are you ready to?
getting there. Not quite where you are but not living with my partner and blocked him for the 100th time, and again trying to break away. To be fair he went into rehab for the first time ever in his life. I knew he’d lapse.. but I’m taking this time to try and break away for good this time.
do try that link, they are there today for you to chat live to.
These forums helped me save my sanity last year. Because what I learned is that an addict will make you feel you’re losing your mind. They twist and turn you up with their lies and you feel you are going crazy in the end, imagining it. But you are NOT.
There are a couple of apps that also help. Try MEND. That is good and you don’t have to opt to pay.. it just keeps tabs on your emotions and helps you with a daily check in.
Try and jot down what you feel.. why and then – here’s the hard part – what you can do to resolve it? It might help. I wrote my partner a 10 page letter, a story of our time together. It propelled him to go into rehab (although he has now lapsed). But I didn’t write it for him. I write it for me. Try that also? Writing it down on paper helps to clarify things you can’t verbalise.
Here if you need help. x
”he just thinks i need to move on from this. Which i agree,” – why would you agree with him? If this is still affecting you, you are clearly not ready to move on. But like a typical addict, when they are ready for something (be it recovery, being happy, making a go of it again.. ) then you must also be ready. Whether you are or not.
I bottled up my emotions and everything I felt for two years and in the end, my mental health AND my physical health suffered. I was so ill physically I had to cut him off. That’s what it did to me. So please don’t bottle things up.
”things are nothing like they were and he thinks that’s because of how i am being towards him” – in other words, again, this is down to you. Nothing to do with his appalling behaviour or the abuse of trust or how he’s let you down and destroyed the trust in your relationship. It’s down to you and your behaviour. This is a TYPICAL addict attitude.
please visit this link and at the bottom, click chat. You can speak in live time to a trained advisor. Let me know how you get on. I am here if you want to talk also.
THIS WAS ON ANOTHER POST; FROM A PERSON CALLED DFH. PLEASE READ IT:
‘I’m done
I’ve had enough. The last straw. I’m beginning to feel angry at everything, have struggled too long and suffered too much. I’m starting to hate. I’m becoming someone I don’t recognise.
My husband can keep his crack and his smack. It’s obviously more important to him than us. He has begged, borrowed, lied and stolen. Enough. I have 3 kids, struggled to keep the family and house going aswell as lied and covered his sorry ass. I’ve financially and emotionally supported him. And for what? He now gets to wave the rehab flag and say he will sort himself out? Well yes, do that but I will not be here. I’m out, done, finished.
So I’ve sold my house and bought another despite him doing absolutely everything to sabotage it. And now I call quits. This is not my circus and they certainly ain’t my monkeys. My kids deserve better, I deserve better hell even my dog deserves better.
So addict, I’m sorry but here is where I get off. Thanks for the joy ride, it was eye opening, scary as hell and a life lesson. Always aim higher in life. Don’t be a host for the addict parasite. You lose money, faith and respect. You start to become a horrible person just to protect yourself and kids. No thanks. I’m good. I want a better life and unfortunately you don’t want to be part of it.
Go rehab and get your help. Those who need it more have no such help. Those like us. Those who prop up the addict, the breadwinner, the 2 parents in one.
The parting line for me to others in the same situation is this….know your worth and quit. Leave. It’s not an way way out, your not giving up you are just preserving yourself. If you don’t choose to take the advice you will see what I mean in due course.
And to those who are the addict. I hope you see the damage here and use it to get clean, you will end up destroying real life actual people who have others that depend on them. Those dependants that you can’t actually look after while your sole purpose is drugs. Take yourself and your drugs and kindly leave the person you are destroying. They don’t deserve your lies and deceit or your financial plughole. That my friend is your own responsibility. Your can to carry nor theirs. Inflict your asshole actions on yourself.’