[thelostone]

I have no words. You deserve a medal for this. WELL DONE!!!

[thelostone]

My boyfriend destroyed our relationship with his drug use. Once the trust is gone, it’s almost certainly never going to come back.

To feel emotions such as anger, resentment, bitterness is perfectly human. If you are not able to talk this through and make sense of it, it can get worse. I take it you are not able to talk to your partner about how you feel…? What exactly are you getting out of the relationship except for providing him the support and care he needs? Are your emotional needs being met?

[thelostone]

CHall81.. I am in your position. Currently trying to walk away from my boyfriend after 2 years of heroin and crack use. He went into recovery late Feb. Found out last week he lapsed. So I have put up the same barriers – blocked him on all forms and when he knocked at my door last week, I didn’t open it.

Your fella will come back to you.. three days is NOTHING in the chaotic life of an addict. He will get low and come back to you. ADDICTS ALWAYS COME BACK.

Your question should be how much longer do you want to be on this merry-go-round? Then ask yourself this: Can you trust this man again? Because if you can’t, then it’s over. Don’t expect the truth from an addict. A drunk will steal your wallet and apologise. An addict will steal your wallet and help you look for it.

We can’t break away because this relationship, this person is OUR addiction. Maybe you are still at the stage where you still believe you can ‘save him’. That their love for you is enough for them to stop using the drugs. Consider this: women have given up their children for drugs, men have lost their jobs, their houses, addicts have lost EVERYTHING for their drugs. Love is NOT ENOUGH.

You have to start loving yourself. Looking after yourself. Because he won’t. I have walked home alone at 4am because my addict boyfriend cared more for his drugs than me. I could have been mugged, raped, murdered.

You MUST protect your kids, because believe me, you might think you are shielding them from it, but kids are very perceptive, they see a lot more than they say.. and this could have long-term ramifications for your children. Use this silence between you to build your resolve. Put in place some boundaries. And stick to them.

Here if you want to chat or message. STAY STRONG!

[thelostone]

Oh trust me, I don’t think it’s going to ‘cure’ him.. the more important part is the counselling. His battle is more psychological than medical.. but it’s the biggest step he’s ever taken so I pray for him while he takes that journey .. but I’m done being dragged down by him .. if he can recover and come to me clean and dealing with his issues we may be able to establish a friendship again. But now, I put me first. X

[thelostone]

Listen more to your head and less to your HEART (typo)

[thelostone]

I am so sorry to hear your story. Jesus, 4 years? I did a year. That was enough for me. Where i am right now is single. My boyfriend has for the first time ever, sought PROFESSIONAL help. He is due to start drug substitution and counselling. This is a massive step for him, at his age. But this is his journey, and I have told him, I am on my own journey of recovery, from him. I have remained strong, but kind. And I think he finally realises what he’s lost. He even said ‘I have hit rock bottom.’ It’s the cliche, but it’s the truest one you’ll hear.

If you want inspiration, remember this: it takes more strength to walk away than it does to stay in a toxic relationship. If you have a phone, find an app called Mend, it will really help you.

Are you strong enough to do another 4 years of this?

Do you trust him (I can answer this for you, no you don’t).

If he IS selling himself, you need to protect yourself physically or you may contract something from him.

Do not feel shame. You have tried to love and support him, and the nature of a drug addict is to be drawn to this, because they need it. But they are like vampires, they will drain you.. not intentionally.. but drugs just does this, to him and you.

Try putting some boundaries in place for yourself, for your own protection. I blocked my chap, and he REMAINS blocked. If I feel I can’t cope bumping into him, I avoid those places. I don’t look at old photos or replay things in my head. I am healing myself.. I am loving myself.. you have to think of it as HE is your addiction and you have to break free. So do whatever you can to protect yourself.

Listen more to your head and less to your head. You don’t have to be ruled by your emotions and you don’t have to act on them.. missing him? You can ride it out.. same as any emotion you struggle with. It won’t last forever.

Visit a site called addaction. Google them, and look for the online chat. They have professional people you can talk to.

Let me know how you get on.

[thelostone]

hello everyone,

bluewidow I am so so sorry to read your story. The sense of loss and pain you must feel, being unable to reconcile things, and it ending as it did.. so sorry. My partner is a crack addict and as I try to break away, I read your words and know that could easily happen to him, and I will feel, like you, that it wasn’t meant to end this way. But the sad reality is, it can – and does. As sober rational people we BELIEVE they will recover, they will come back to us, they will stop and everything will go back to as it was – and it’s highly likely in a lot of cases, that just won’t happen… ever. I’ve accepted that and it’s making it easier to walk away. This is not my journey, it’s his. And it was your husband’s. I hope you come to terms with what happened – you are not alone, we are always here if you need to talk. Find some calm x

[thelostone]

Hi Carly,

my God what a complete nightmare for you. ;-( Just awful. My boyfriend is on crack.. (not sure what’s worth)… but it takes its toll on us loving partners.

I tried for ages to help my fella stop. Then one day I realised – this might not get better. He might not stop. He might not ‘come to his senses’… and i stopped hanging around and working so hard to make it happen… because only he can make it happen.

Like you, i am hoping one day he will come back to me the man he was.. was… because the drugs steals the person from you and leaves you with a ghost. You can’t love a ghost. You deserve better.

Please keep us updated. I hope things improve for you. x

[thelostone]

Hi Again Upward!

My God, I’ve just read your story. I feel so so sorry for you. You know my tale (partner on crack)… but even I can say he doesn’t give me the level of abuse or heartache you seem to be sufferingh. (we don’t live together (luckily). I am hoping that in the short space of time I’ve learn stuff, I can pass the following words to you:

* You are not alone. There are thousands of us suffering because of the use of a loved one. You can always come on here.

* My support worker told me one thing: “You are trying to apply rationality to an irrational situation, to an irrational person.” (how many times have we been staggered at the reaction of the user, the nonsense they talk/things they do). I don’t try to even argue with him anymore, or make sense of the bullshit he talks. It’s all drug-driven, so let it go. Stop trying to reason with the mad man in the asylum. When he is using, cut off. Walk away. Refuse to engage. You are worth more than to have a ghost for a partner. Be calm and firm. You are in control of your emotions so don’t surrend them to other people. Do not engage with him if he is abusive, swears, deflects responsibility to you, or wants money. If he cannot respect himself, he won’t respect you.. but you can respect yourself. Start now. x

* I’ve had 6 days without contact now. My God, as you wrote … I feel I can breathe. I have calmness in my head. No drama, no heartache. No lies.. I have suffered anxiety and anger issues due to his use.. but it stops here for me. I’m worth more.

* Users can/will make you feel worthless. They will blame YOU for their use, their weaknesses, their situation. Repeat one mantra to yourself. “NOT MY JOURNEY” We don’t put the crap in their hands or drag them to the dens to buy it. You are a good person trying to help someone in the grip of drugs. You are worth something. Be kind, but be kind to yourself first. Because when they are using, they won’t be kind to you. They won’t give a sh*t about you.

* Be firm. set yourself boundaries. DON’T (please please) enable him by paying him out of trouble in any way. If he doesn’t have to face the consequences of his use, he will continue to do it. Start protecting yourself, your finances and your sanity. Please.

* Set your own goals. If you set joint goals, trust me, you will be let down. I have learned to expect only disappointment from my boyfriend and so far, he hasn’t let me down. Until your chap admits to himself he has a problem and gets help, it won’t start the road to recovery. You are not trained for this, and you cannot pull him out of it. My boyfriend has been telling me for over a year now I am enough for him to stop smoking crack.. and then he uses. Then he apologises. Then he uses again.. then I am his saviour. It won’t end until he gets help for himself and admits his addiction.

Don’t lose your own sanity. Don’t lose your sense of self, and self worth. You can and will find the strength you need… and if you struggle, come talk to us. x

[thelostone]

I certainly will do.. and you too.. it’s all about self care now for me. I know I worth more than being sworn at and blamed and trying to love a ghost.. the lies, the disappointment .. the heartache. I’ve had enough in a year to last a lifetime.. God knows how you’ve done 13 but I hope you find the strength to do what’s best for YOU. X

[thelostone]

I came up the perfect analogy for my (and many others’) predicament.. it’s like trying to save a man from a burning house and he keeps running back inside.

I’be learned a lot in the last year. A lot. I don’t chase after him, try to stop him, guilt trip him, get angry, blame him.. I just make it clear I know he’s used and I won’t be around him if he does that crap. Haven’t heard from him last 4 days and I have peace of mind. In the past I would have called him, gone to see him.. no more. My problem is what to do when he contacts me.. which he will. They always come back .. I don’t stress myself out about what I will do. I’ll deal with it when it happens. For now I enjoy the peace and the tranquility I have and just keep praying I will be strong enough to walk away.. because I deserve better than this.

I won’t torture myself for long .. sorry you have endured this rubbish for so long ;-(

[thelostone]

Shitty dens*

[thelostone]

I’d say relatively early .. only just over a year.. easy for people to say walk away but when you feel you’re giving up on someone who needs you.. anyhow.. I haven’t felt guilt .. even when he blamed me Saturday for using. I don’t drag him to these shitty send to buy his crap or put the stuff in his hands. It disgusts me. I am anti drugs and he knew that. I see a support worker who has helped me .. just to see the way and make sense of my emotions which threaten to engulf me at times. I’m in an ok place right now, he abused me Saturday and I haven’t heard from him since.. I have peace of mind and don’t have to hear empty words and promises that will be broken before they’ve left his mouth. I pray each day.. although I am not at all religious .. I pray just that I find the strength to walk away. I hope your journey isn’t too painful. X

[thelostone]

Lillies how are you getting on? I hope life is being kind to you.

[thelostone]

Hi Curly,

firstly, so sorry for your loss. My brother died of cancer (drink and smoking related cancer). This was not easy to watch and haunts me still. My partner is also addicted to crack, so I have learned a little about addiction. I hope what I write helps you.

An addiction supercedes EVERYTHING else in an addict’s life. Love, family, work, kids.. nothing will be more important to them when they are addicted. When you understand and accept this, you stop hurting and start healing.. you have to learn not to take a person’s addiction personally.. it is not a reflection on you or your family. We all choose our paths and sadly, when an addict chooses theirs, they don’t care who they hurt – the sense of shame and guilt they feel only makes them use more. No amount of blackmail, tears or threats will stop them (unless and until they decide themselves they want to beat it).

You will heal over time and learn to accept it, I am sure. Sending you healing thoughts.

[Author]

Posts