[thelostone]

What advice do you need that you think we can help with? If you want help re the experiences of others, we’re here.. but as Clara says, anything urgent you should seek professional help. x

[thelostone]

Sadly I speak from experience but thank you so much. We have to help each other xxx

[thelostone]

Hi Lillies (and all),

I found out my boyfriend was doing crack cocaine a few months back… so this year has been a roller coaster AND a steep learning curve. I hope what I can share may help you or others (I will abbrievate it).

* An alcoholic will steal your purse and apologise. An addict will steal your purse and help you look for it. They may steal or beg, they WILL lie. Always. They will become ghosts so stop looking for the person you fell in love with as long as they are using, because they are not there. All they care about is their drugs. They do not care how much it breaks your heart. They do not care how much you cry, scream, chase them, try to give them ultimatums or emotionally blackmail them. NONE of that will work. They will disappear for days, they will become uncontactable, they will be abusive, may be violent… and they will drain you of your own sense of self, your own self worth and your sanity and well being. They are not the person you fell in love with and it cannot be a loving, stable relationship whilst they use. Money, plans, holidays, family.. nothing is certain and nothing else will matter to them when they want to use. Your emotions and well being are secondary to them and their drugs. Try not to take this personally and tell yourself it’s a disease… but one they inflict on themselves – so don’t make excuses for them or soften up at the drop of a ‘I love you, I need you.’ Because where are they when you’re at home crying and they are taking that crap?

* Stop blaming yourself – but also stop blaming your loved one who’s addicted. Blame solves nothing. Stop ‘catching them out’… you achieve nothing proving they are lying – it creates guilt that will only fuel their drug use further. Lying is like oxygen to an addict. They will lie to your face. They will lie when confronted with the truth.

So stop arguing, stop proving your right when you know you are. You gain nothing.

Turn your energy and focus to YOU. Make this your mantra:

THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY, YOUR MINE.

* You don’t put the drugs in their hands. You can’t watch them 24 hours. You cannot stop them, so start mending yourself. Put things in place to protect your own sanity. Identify the things that cause you anxiety and put measures in place to prevent them (stop chasing, start backing away). If the addict makes the choice to stop, it will come from THEM and they will almost certainly only do this when they see what they have lost. So distance yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be used only when it benefits the user. They will start to realise what they are losing. Put your boundaries in place and stick to them.

* An addict is ALWAYS in recovery. Do not give yourself false hope because he could be clean 10 years and then one day he may use. If you want to be with an addict, he si always an addict (either active or in recovery). Protect yourself by acknolwedging this and putting things in place to protect your own emotions. You could move to the moon – if an addict wants to use, they will find it.. so location means nothing.

* Try meditation. There are some great apps, and believe me, from personal experience, I’ve learned that they help. Start loving yourself and freeing up some space in your head for YOU, and not the addict. Pamper yourself. Protect yourself. Love yourself and value yourself. You are trying to help an addict which makes you a kind person – but you cannot help him if you’re a wreck. So start with you darling.

I hope this helps in some small way. Keep coming on to the forums if you need help. Try and speak to some telephone services if you can… have a look online see what additional support you can get. Above all, stay strong. x

[thelostone]

Hello Gill,

I read your first post and thought ‘I could have written that, word for word.’ Partner with an addiction (crack, not alcohol), moody, abusive, disappears, broken promises, chasing him, making yourself unwell, the lies, feeling used, being supportive.. all of it.. that was me too).

Gill, the first step I took was to find a support network for people who are affected by others abuse. I have a support worker whose job is to help ME. She has tasught me to put in place boundaries, to protect myself.. and accept that this is not MY journey, it is HIS (the abuse). NO amount of chasing, crying, begging, guilt or screaming will stop him using), so I walked away. I stopped allowing him to abuse me and use me and I stopped being the safe haven he only wanted when he was coming down. After an unheard of two weeks non-contact, he phoned me… he realised the drugs were no longer working to cover his emotional pain, and he missed me and didn’t want to lose me – so he says he is going to try to open up to me. I am not kidding myself he won’t use again.. so I keep my boundaries in place, I am in control on my emotions and I won’t allow him or his life to impact on my emotional or physical well being (been there, got the t-shirt). If he does open up, I hope it is the start of his recovery. But I keep to my mantra – unless he can stop I cannot support him or have him in my life. I maintain my meetings with my support worker and come online regularly to read about others’ experiences, and it teaches me a LOT.

If I can offer any advice from my own experiences, I am here x

[thelostone]

I’m not an expert but firstly be assured you are not alone. You can always come online and find someone who will help, even if it’s only just listen.

You’ve taken the first step by getting help. Maybe taking 4 tablets at a time (any tablet) isn’t so good, but you’ve acknowledged that this may be an issue for you. Don’t be afraid to go back to your doctor. You know and have said you are taking them more for the relaxing feeling they give you and not for pain relief, so maybe ask your doctor for a mild sedative and reduce your pain killers to the recommended dose. Have a think about it. Also, PLEASE conside meditation. There are some great apps for phones and meditation is a BRILLIANT way to clear the mind and help you start to relax naturally. It teaches you that you are the important person in your own world and you have to look after yourself. Love yourself, be good to yourself and you will start to recover. I send you love and healing thoughts x

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