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I haven’t no. I can’t really tolerate reading or watching anything about drugs now, because of my own personal experiences. It’s too painful. I’ve lived it. I don’t wish to see or read more about it.. if that makes sense.
As I said, it’s a battle that never seems to end. I think all we can do is protect ourselves.
That’s exactly how it is. When you break away at least you have peace of mind and no anxiety. I knew this was coming because I tried to help him as he waited for rehab. But it comes at such a personal cost it’s not worth it.
Now trying*
I’ve come home. Sent him a few texts. He replied. I’m not trying to reset myself and not go back to where I was two years ago. It’s not easy but I will always put myself first now.
hi guys,
so I find myself having suffered a … lapse? would you call it?
Under increasing pressure from my partner, who bombarded me with calls and messages, I agreed to support him until he got his rehab date. Yesterday he got his rehab date finally.. and what did he do… he went off and used, for the first time in about 2-3 weeks. He called me and confessed, and I felt all the same despair and anxiety creeping back.
I went for a walk to try and clear my head, but it could not be cleared. So I called him back and headed for his flat. Guess what? He had a drug person there, and would not let me in. He’d decided to carry on using drugs. And I found myself right back where I was 2 years ago.
So as I said to you all, it never ends.
that’s what he wrote me. Those texts.
I don’t care what stage he is at, denial, using, contrition, regret… rehab. I don’t care. I just want to heal and protect myself. Now I am just trying to protect myself.
I’ve seen a few desparate junkie couples David, I discovered my partner was using with one couple, and the woman was a heroin addict. To think she was even in his flat makes me want to be physically sick.
I didn’t message him no, within 20 minutes of returning home he texted me. ‘Oh my god, heart rending read, I didn’t mean I don’t know what meant wrong literally, of course I know. I’m going to write you another letter. I am burdened by what I’ve done to you. I am redoubling my efforts to get my caseworker to get my place in rehab sorted’
I just thought ‘how did he know to go down and check his box? He must have seen me walking away? Or someone else did and told him? There’s no other way. You wouldn’t go down and check your postbox on a Sunday, would you? God alone knows, he could have gone to collect a drug delivery for all I know.. it’s this sort of thing that sets your mind to churning and tortures you.
I imagine walking away from an addict that is a family member is hard.. although sometimes I think not as hard as someone you have a romantic emotional attachment to. But I think we all feel the same sense of hopelessness, that you can’t help the person, and it just leaves you feeling exhausted and heart broken.
when you’ve been hurt and on the and end of abuse as much as i was, it becomes impossible to believe the sorries, and the promises. I can never get back the trust and respect so how could I believe we can have a happy ever after.
weird thing is, because he is still on drugs his routine is messed up and he doesn’t seem to rise til around 12-1pm now. I posted my letter to his downstairs door (can’t get access to his front door).. yet he has already read it (how did it know it was downstairs in his box), and replied to me.
All very weird, but a weight has left my shoulders.
my God David, this is a BIG problem.
A part of you must feel glad you’ve broken away, surely. You have no future with this woman with her drug use at this serious stage…?
I feel a weight’s been lifted with the letter. It’s off my chest.
if she gets clean for any substantial amount of time ALL of this will hit her. Trust me. I know. Because it’s hit my partner. Sadly the guilt and shame is what makes them continue to use. To mask it, shut it off.
Well, I done it David. I printed off my letter and I hand posted it into his box, barely 20 minutes ago. I feel a great weight has lifted from me. I’m not a vengeful nasty person so none of it is hurtful. I felt compelled to write and tell him ‘WHAT WENT WRONG? as clearly he wrote that he was mystified. The lack of insight beggars belief, but then I got a text saying ‘because of the drugs, I didn’t grasp the damage I was doing.’
Contradictory and addiction go hand in hand. As long as they are using drugs, they don’t have to deal with their conscience. My partner said this is now a terrible weight on his conscience, now he can see how he’s treated me. (However, I HAVE heard all this before in letters, did it stop him using and lying to me? no).
If your girlfriend is stealing money from her own son, David that is bad. That is a problem that she really needs to acknowledge before you can even begin to help her. Trying to intervene right now, as she is, will only cause you a world of pain.
You will get no thanks for it.
I believe that’s called emotional baggage, and we all have it.
Our relationships are our addiction. I once counted the days I managed to get back without him.. it’s toxic. and despite breaking away, I am still here now dealing with an onslaught of messages and communication from him. An addict will never let the good things go in their lives, any more than they will let the drugs go. When they sense you are breaking away, they panic. You are like a comfort blanket they take for granted will always be there.
All of this, is the toughest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and I’ve lost family to cancer and a nearly successful suicide attempt from someone close to me.
Dealing with an addict is the toughest thing you can ever do.
Genuinely I cannot see this getting better for you right now. It all just seems like a giant leap backwards.
I think you need to step back and find your own space. I can’t emphasis it enough. You can’t sit around waiting for an apology. I didn’t. I didn’t get it until I truly walked away and he knew he’d lost me.think about it.
Goodness me David. It seems like her drug use is historic, like ingrained. Long term. I got the impression it was recent because you had been with her 7 years and only recently did it come to light and become a problem.
An 8 year old child should not know what a stoner is. That’s terrible.
How have you tolerated it this long? Or has it only become known to you or a problem?
yes, that’s the same as my stable loving background. No coincidence is it, that you and I seem to be grounded loving people.
She is not setting a good example using in front of her children. They will go one of two ways, go on to use or completely go against drugs. But as I said, drugs come before anything and anyone. People have lost kids, jobs, houses, families… they lose everything for their drugs. It’s more than possible they are tolerating it because they don’t want the confrontation. It’s their mother after all. The role model – the authority figure.
Anyone who finds a fellow user has a common bond and it’s a strong one, that”s for sure.
you said it yourself, blood is thicker than water. And if any of her family condone this, you are fighting a collective – as an outsider.
Maybe you would learn more about her background and why she is why she is, if you speak to her family. It may answer the questions that cause you to be overthinking things, and help you make sense of things.