[thelostone]

the best advice I can give you is just get away, even if it’s only for a few weeks. It just gives you head space David and you need that right now. You can retreat to lick your wounds. Try not to think too long term. Thoughts can overwhelm you.. particularly ruminating on the past. So just take a deep breath, say ‘let it go’ and take each day at a time.

It hurts… but you don’t have to act on it. Just accept it, and deal with it, hour by hour.. and tell yourself it’s just a day at a time.

You will get there. Just be assured you will get there.

Here if you need help or you struggle.

[thelostone]

‘they turned their backs on her when she needed them the most’ – that’s a common thing for an addict to say. Usually what’s happened is they have absolutely pushed you away and drove you to your limit. No decent human being walks away from the person they love, more so a mother.. it takes a lot to give up on someone.

All addicts have some form of self loathing. That is for certain. I remind myself that a person that clearly doesn’t care for themselves is incapable of caring for anyone else. Why else would they hurt you, over and over again. And think an apology covers it, makes it all alright?

My partner has a good level of control.. well.. there’s no benefit to him turning up at my flat. In fact he has said I would only turn him away and ‘I am not a masochist.’ So it’s more about his own pride and cowardice. When I wanted him to fight for me, he was nowhere to be seen. He left me crying on my bed, while he went off to use drugs. It’s nothing personal, it’s addiction. But it’s hard not to take it personally.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. That is us David. With our addicts.

[thelostone]

No, it’s not my workplace, we both train there but he hasn’t been for months. He turned up the day and time he knew I would be there, with 100% certainty. He texted me early in the hours after I’d walked out… apologising and saying he knew what he’d done to me. The damage. And apologising for being so cruel and hurtful.

He does know where I live, yes – barely 10 minutes from his own flat. We have never shared a place. Some time back I started putting boundaries down… rules. And one of them was he doesn’t get to turn up at my flat.. particularly unannounced. He has respected that. He isn’t abusive in that way, he doesn’t demand money or threaten me or blame me or demand I support him.

It’s funny what you said about grieving.. because that’s exactly what it is, and it’s exactly what I’ve written in my reply to him (the reply he maybe won’t ever see). You mourn the loss of the person you fell in love with, and you know they are in there somewhere, but they are not coming back. They have been kidnapped by the drugs, they are a ghost of the person they were. That’s a hard part to deal with, because you feel if they stop and get clean, that beautiful person will come back. But does it repair the damage, does it return the lost trust, the disrespect, the abuse, the terrifying thought that they will lie to you again, lapse, use again?

It’s easy to be angry but in calmer moments I know an addict doesn’t mean to do it – it’s simply the nature of addiction. But when they do it over and over again, it becomes difficult to believe they are sorry, and difficult to believe they can’t stop treating you like crap and lying to you. If you mean it, change your behaviour.

Do you think your girlfriend may have abandonment issues? It sounds possible. Someone with abandonment issues will keep pushing you away, to see how many times you come back. My partner knows he has and has acknowledged this. Maybe this or such a low opinion of herself that she tells herself she doesn’t deserve you. This also seems to be a common theme with addicts… which is why they use drugs. I have never known a happy person to take drugs. Never.

It’s all very well feeling they don’t deserve us, but their task is to change their behaviour and show us by their actions that they do. Not to repeatedly use and lie and deny.

[thelostone]

I can feel every bit of your anger, and sadness and frustration… because I’ve lived it.

As you said, you don’t ever really get closure. I’ve broken away from him so many times I’ve lost count. We have never split up. We would estrange. I wouldn’t hear from him for days.. weeks even… and then he’d come back. He’d find a way to reconnect. I managed 12 weeks without him and he contacted me. He was going to rehab.. which is why I let him back him.

Look at now.. I haven’t seen him since he went off for the rehab in October (and he returned after 2 weeks). I saw him briefly when he came to my leisure centre.. I walked out. He was trying to reconnect. But over Xmas and new year. he has been contacting me. Waiting for rehab, pestering his case worker.. and seemingly now can’t survive without me.

What they do David is burn you. And when you go off to heal yourself, they come back and apologise. And you let them back in… and then they rip your bandage off and burn you again. That is an addict. I don’t think it’s even intentional.. it’s just the nature of addiction.

If anything has strengthened my resolve, it’s that I won’t interact with him whilst he is using. Been there and done it for 3 years and it is a waste of time. Don’t waste your breath because that junk affects their brain and their judgement. They are defiant, arrogant, in denial and abusive. So save your breath.

I found around the time I was where you are, I would repeat to myself… let it go. Just take a deep breath and say ‘let it go.’

I am only where I am now in my journey probably because I’ve taken a lot more abuse, and broken promises and lies than you. I had to get to breaking point.. but for that to happen, it left me extremely ill, physically and mentally. Anxiety, stress, depressed, low self-esteem, exhaustion.. it took its toll. That is the only reason I am where I am now. It didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t that strong that I could do it 2 years, a year ago. It had to get so bad that I really had no choice but to accept what was in front of my eyes.

I struggle every day to stay strong. But I will… because I won’t talk to an addict.

[thelostone]

well, if I’ve learnt anything from all this David, it’s that you never really seem to get closure. And I’m certainly not wise, maybe just wiser for my experience. So I could make a judgement call.

An addict will usually not want to let go of the good things in the their lives. For me it’s been 3 years and my partner was where your girlfriend is.. he didn’t have a problem, he was just content to use, lie to me, and sneak off and do what he wanted. The more I cut off, the more he would come back, until eventually he admitted he had a problem and sought help. But he returned from one rehab after 2 weeks because he couldn’t have a room on his own. So now he is waiting on another place.

An addict cannot realise what they’ve lost if you’re still there.

But in my experience, they don’t like to let good things go, the things that are true in their lives. They either get fed up and low from the drugs, when they run out of money or sick of their cycle of abuse. And then they contact you. I never thought my partner (ex) would be saying the things he is, but as I said to you, I’ve heard it all before.

We are all on the same road. We just walk at different paces, that’s all.

[thelostone]

I will consider it David, if I feel it will help others.. although it’s rather self indulgent and just covers WHAT WENT WRONG.. for him to see in case he doesn’t understand. Although as I said, I feel it is a throwaway comment because he’s texted me to say he is overwhelmed with guilt, he knows what pain he has caused me, etc.

However, by his own admission he is still using, so I don’t see any point even trying to interact with him. I did it for three years and you can’t converse with an addict. You just get defensive arrogant replies which make you feel even angrier. So my plan is, if he goes into rehab and writes to me, I may post it to him then, when he is clean and has to read it.

[thelostone]

Thank you for asking Dre. Funnily enough, I’ve had a challenging couple of days. My partner has sent me a few texts, one at 5.40am. He said he loves me and that he has little or no chance of surviving without me. He said he never understood until I was gone. He said he was writing me a letter, but kept breaking down because he knows the pain he’s caused me and is sorry and ashamed. Basically, he said all the things a broken hearted person wants their partner to say. The problem is, I’ve heard it all before. If I had a pound for every sorry in text or letter, I wouldn’t feel quite as worthless as he made me feel. The only thing he texted that seemed in anyway different was saying he knew I wasn’t going to accept words or promised, only the truth and action.

A hand delivered letter arrived yesterday. He is on medication but admits he is still using. He is waiting for his rehab place. He wants to honour his promises to me. It was mostly reminiscing about good times we spent together, but one single line was enough to send me off the rails. He wrote

‘I am mystified as to what went wrong.’

I became so angry I broke down, and nearly ripped the letter up. Maybe it was a throwaway comment he wrote without thought… but really? If he cannot see what went wrong. I wanted to call him, text him, write him… vent my anger. I didn’t. I sat and cried (in frustration and anger) and I typed a reply to a silent, unjudging audience so I could explain ‘WHAT WENT WRONG’… so I could get it all out. I may post it somewhere one day, or even send it to him one day in the future, who knows. I just had to get it all out. So I remain steadfast in my vow not to contact him and never to give him another opportunity to abuse me.

I could block him, but aside from seeming cruel, this also means I am just blocking out the problem because I’m not strong enough to deal with it. Which doesn’t solve the problem that I very likely will bump into him at any point. So I felt disinclined to block him. I wanted to know if/when he went into rehab, because in my heart I know he is a tortured man, and I want to know he goes rehab and tries.. for himself.

Hope it’s ok to offload today. Thanks for listening.

[thelostone]

look for the little pop up chat window at the bottom..

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

[thelostone]

I felt like that. I felt like I was dealing with it alone, couldn’t talk to anyone, had no support or advice.. it’s like ‘I have never gone through this before, I don’t know what to do, can’t talk to anyone and can’t get help.’ And then with the behaviour of the addict, you feel like you’re losing your mind. You’re trying to rationalise with an addict, and they just give you lies and deceit.

Visit this link, they are online now. Drug advice charity and they can chat with you online.. they saved my life:

(let me know how you get on)

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

[thelostone]

the use of that drug is shrouded in shame, guilt and disgust and does bring with it embarrassment. That’s why addicts lie about it and minimise how bad it is. When they are in the grip of it, they can’t even see how bad their habit it. And half the time they don’t want to see, all they want is to get their drugs.

If he is saying he wants to stop but it’s too hard, he’s giving himself an excuse. Yes it is hard, but if you want to stop, you will. You will get professional help. People have stopped, and stayed clean.. but this road, it will always be paved with fear. Will he lapse? Will he take it again?

You have to concentrate on you first now. Until he can sort himself out. And trust me, no ultimatums work. I’ve tried them all. You just have to walk away until he can get clean and STAY clean for a substantial amount of time.

[thelostone]

the use of that drug is shrouded in shame, guilt and disgust and does bring with it embarrassment. That’s why addicts lie about it and minimise how bad it is. When they are in the grip of it, they can’t even see how bad their habit it. And half the time they don’t want to see, all they want is to get their drugs.

If he is saying he wants to stop but it’s too hard, he’s giving himself an excuse. Yes it is hard, but if you want to stop, you will. You will get professional help. People have stopped, and stayed clean.. but this road, it will always be paved with fear. Will he lapse? Will he take it again?

You have to concentrate on you first now. Until he can sort himself out. And trust me, no ultimatums work. I’ve tried them all. You just have to walk away until he can get clean and STAY clean for a substantial amount of time.

[thelostone]

I really do feel for you, because you are in a terrible position.

Has he even intimated that he wants to stop, or acknowledged that he has a problem?

[thelostone]

‘If he had his own place, safe and secure I could relax.’

Do you really believe this is the case? Do you think he would be capable of running his own place? In my experience, addicts lives are chaos. And whilst you’d still be getting a break, you would understandably worry what he’s doing, and if he is ok. This is natural.

I don’t want you to think I’m hard because I’m not. I’m a realist. There is a probability something will happen to him. Addicts take massive risks every time they use. The stress they put on their heart alone is enough to kill them. My partner was twice taken from drug dens in an ambulance. He has now had TWO strokes. Has this stopped him using? No.

If someone happened to him, I would be devastated. But what I won’t do is held accountable for the consequences of his use. As I said to you, until he loses everything, he has no reason to stop.. and there is still the chance that wouldn’t be enough to stop anyway. His problem sounds as bad as my partner, Crack (and occasion heroin that he had to wean himself off). So this is not a fight you can win. But I do appreciate the terrible position you are in, which is why I urge you to start putting some boundaries in place, so you can at least hold on to some of your sanity, and your own sense of self-worth. You are going to need all the strength and support you can get.

[thelostone]

Sadly I speak from experience. Prior to being with my partner, I had zero experience or knowledge about drugs, which is why it took me so long to learn and gain the strength to walk away.

It’s so true that when you’re in love with someone, you wear rose-tinted glasses. It’s why people say ‘what do you see in him?’ – it’s because you see something in that person that no one else sees. But it’s also why outsiders can so plainly see things clearer than us, with a more dispassionate eye. And give us advice our head tells us is right, but our heart fights against. Like ‘just leave him’ ‘don’t tolerate this,’ ‘Why are you putting up with this?’

I found personally and from listening to others, what makes it so difficult to walk away is knowing the person you love is in there somewhere. It’s like the drugs steal the person you love. It’s Jekyll and Hyde. If I had a pound for every ‘without the drugs he is the perfect man, without the drugs he is a different person’ ‘when he’s not on the drugs, things are brilliant between us.’ But that is what drugs are and that is what drugs do. You’re waiting for that loved one to come back. And in the meantime, all you get are lies, disappointment, abuse, arguments, heartache… it is a never ending cycle.

Addicts lie to themselves, so they have no compunction lying to you. And I admit now, I lied to myself. I did NOT want to admit that my man was an addict. I loved him. I more than loved him, I adored him, I idolised him. So to finally admit to myself he was an addict hurt me more than any abuse he’s ever given me. But I had to in the end. I accepted that he is an addict, that he is probably never going to stop, this cycle of abuse wasn’t ever going to end, and I was never going to be able to trust him again in any event. That was the hard part of breaking away. That, and dealing with him when he kept coming back to me. My cycle used to be:

* he’d use, I’d call him out for his mood swings, he’d deny being on drugs, we’d argue, he’d abuse me, I’d leave, he’d use until he ran out of money and got low, he’d contact me, I’d go running back. (and repeat, ad infinitum)

I became so ill I suffered panic attacks, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and I became physically ill and looked terrible. Mentally I was a wreck. I sat and sobbed on so many occasions I lost count. This was a man who told me ‘No man will ever feel about you the way I do.’ In fact the truth is, this man treated me worse than any man I have ever been with. He made me feel worthless. My self-confidence was gone and I work now to rebuild that. On occasions the way he spoke to me made me feel like I was nothing more than an idiot. I’ve never been made to feel stupid by the man I love. All the lies, all the deceit..the cruel way he spoke to me.. I kept going back for more in the stupid belief I was being kind. When the truth is, I was just too weak to walk away, because I loved him but didn’t love myself enough.

If I can use my experience to help just one person, then what I went through won’t have been a waste. If I can use my experience to help others come through then it was worth it.

My situation today is that I have had no contact with him since November. I called him and he was using drugs. I asked him not to contact me again and got an abusive text. Within 2 weeks he tried to reconnect with me, even coming to my leisure centre. I walked out. He texted me. I didn’t reply. I’ve subsequently got a stream of texts and calls (none of which I’ve replied to). On Christmas Day I organised for a mutual friend to give him a gift I’d bought. I knew how much it will hurt him if he didn’t hear from me or receive a card/gift on this day, and I don’t wish to torture someone that is clearly unhappy enough to take crack cocaine.

I got quite a few texts… all of which were apologetic and telling me how sorry he was, and how things will change, and how much he loves me. When it was clear I wasn’t going to respond, he even sent pleading texts for a reply. I didn’t give in to the pressure. His last text (received on Sunday) said he was ‘disappointed I hadn’t been able to reply, but seems to have accepted that it’s over, and he wishes me well and love and peace.

I don’t think it is ever over with an addict. You never get closure. You never get your happy ending. All you get are promises, lies, abuse and heartache.

You have to do everything you can to protect YOU. And if you think that is being selfish, remind yourself, your addict is choosing drugs over you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again, they are lying to you, cheating on you, abusing you, taking you for granted and disrespecting you. So when they act like the victim and say you should be helping them, perhaps remind yourself of this.

How many times do you want to keep running into the burning building to save them? Until you get burnt yourself?

[thelostone]

Until he learns the consequences of his drug use, he won’t stop. In fact, trying to help him at this stage is just enabling him.

It is not an easy road for you to be on, I know because I did it, and it nearly broke me. But in the end I had to walk away for own sanity.

Right now you must know you can’t trust him. And addicts are by their very nature, deceitful. They won’t think twice about lying to you, disappointing you, stealing from you, they won’t care because they are embroiled on their use.

I hope you can start to make the changes needed to protect yourself. Start with your Boundaries and stick to them. You don’t have to tolerate this abuse.

[Author]

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