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On and off, yes he has used for a long time.
Ironically, he has just texted me to say he is disappointed I couldn’t reply to him… ‘do you hate me that much?’
He’s disappointed? I am so angry but I know I have to stay calm and not bite..
The cheek of it. Only an addict could be so god damned selfish and cheeky. He’s disappointed.. after everything he’s put me through. This is why I won’t reply.. I won’t give him the opportunity to abuse me again.
my partner is well into his latter years, so don’t expect age to change anything.
All I can say is, the more you start to value yourself, the less bullshit you tolerate. Yes, it’s ok to be compassionate and kind, but there comes a point when kindness is mistaken for weakness. You tolerate the lies and abuse and moods, and keep coming back for more. They genuinely don’t believe you will leave them.
The thing is, people take drugs because there is something missing in their lives. No happy balanced person takes drugs, they don’t need to. But addicts do, over and over. So trying to rationalise with them, and whatever is going on in their heads, is completely futile.
I didn’t think too much what he was thinking or doing in that break, just as i don’t now. I can’t stop thoughts turning to him, but I can control them. Difference is now I remember almost all the bad stuff, the hurtful cruel abusive stuff and not any of the rare nice moments – and it makes me angry to think I tolerated it. Which is why I won’t give in this time. I will never forgive him for what he put me through and the way he treated me. And he can blame the drugs.. but ultimately, he and your partner need to take personal responsibility for the harm they’ve done – and the crappy way they’ve treated good people.
She won’t be so complacent if and when you meet a lovely lady that treats you right. And by then, trust me, you won’t give a hoot about her. You’ll be exactly where I am right now.
Drugs do change their personality, because it induces chemical changes in the brain. But don’t ever let them off the hook by saying ‘well, they can’t help it, it’s not something that can control’ – if they want to stop, if they love you, value you, respect you.. THEY WILL STOP. Addicts do stop.. our partners are choosing not to stop.
You speak of another misconception that kept me hanging on – ‘they need our love and support.’ Yet, at the same time, you are expected to suffer their abuse, their lies, their disrespect, their mood swings. Getting half a person, half a relationship..?
How many times do you want to run into the burning building to save them, only to watch them run back inside? You are starting to get burnt yourself, every time you run back in to get them. Stop. Because the only person that can save them is them. Stop trying to rescue a self-destructive addict. You will get NO thanks.
The first time I broke away, I managed 12 weeks. Did he contact me? Not once. Too busy using crack, and mixing with God awful people. When he hit a low, yep he found a way to get back into my life. And I was foolish enough and weak enough to allow it. What did it do? Opened me up for 3 more months of anxiety, heart ache, lies and abuse. I draw the line now.
As Whitney Houston sang, I’d rather be alone than unhappy.
How you doing David? You thinking enough about yourself and your own mental health and well being? If you cared as much about yourself as the person breaking your heart and disrespecting you, you wouldn’t be on here.
but the thing is David, her apparent split personality may not just be as a result of the drugs. Unless she stops taking them for any meaningful length of time, it’s difficult to know if it is the drugs causing this apparent change of character. I know myself that women can suffer alarming mood swings due to hormones alone, so maybe it’s not entirely down to drugs. However, it might be more productive to do less thinking about her and more thinking about yourself.
I can only re-emphasise to you where I was barely a year ago, and where I am now. I was in a place where I was chasing my partner down, calling him constantly (even when I knew he was using drugs and would be cruel and abusive), not eating, not sleeping, crying, suffering panic attacks and anxiety. I cannot really explain what happened. I think I took so much punishment my head just snapped and said ‘ENOUGH. NO MORE. THIS STOPS HERE!’
I’d say you never fully get closure with an addict, because it’s like a book with no ending. You wanted the happy ending and you are not going to get it. Even if they got clean, you can never really fully trust them again and you always live with that fear ‘what if they use again…’
But where I am today. My peace of mind is priceless. He’s tried contacted me. In fact I got a barrage of texts, and a couple of missed calls. I simply won’t do it anymore. I won’t give him a single opportunity to abuse me again. No. I’m worth more than that. I eat well, I sleep well. I keep fit. I still deal with him each day in my head, but I tell myself.. ‘let it go..’ whether it’s a good thought, a bad thought, a sad thought, an angry thought.. I just let it go. Splitting up with something is like grieving a death, only the person is still alive. But you have.. to.. let.. go. Particularly of someone who chooses drugs over you every single time.
Don’t you deserve someone to love you the way you love?
it’s widely accepted that until an addict hits rock bottom, they won’t do anything to change their situation. My partner even said it to me.. ‘I had to hit rock bottom to realise what I’ve done’ – did it stop him using? Nope. He is still using now, knowing he is going into rehab, and knowing he has already lost me.
From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend feels she has a problem at all.. and therein lies the problem! As I said, she may never feel she has a problem. A lot of addicts don’t. I’ve seen heroin addicts hobbling along, having lost a leg or suffering horrendous health problems and they still won’t contemplate stopping. Women have lost children, men have lost jobs, wives… NOTHING stands in the way of them and their addiction. It’s their one true love and they will always put the drugs before you. Difficult not to take personally, but that’s addiction.
Once you have your own space, you will find it easier to think better about things, a little more dispassionately. Or you will keep going back for me until you are so tired, weary and abused that you start hating her, and what she’s done to you. It’s a sorry, thankless road.
the sad thing is, I’ve been posting on here for well over a year, and if you check some of my previous posts you will see that I’ve written pretty much the things you’ve written above David.
For ‘two girlfriends’ find my post where I describe my partner as Dr Jeykll and Mr Hyde. Which is why it’s so sad and so difficult to let go. When he isn’t on drugs, my partner is loving, affectionate, reliable, funny.. he’s everything I fell in love with. Which is why I find it so pathetic when he tries to deny using drugs. Because I KNOW. I can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes.. I get a moody, aggressive, rude and arrogant fool.. a ghost. And he actually tries to deny what I can see with my own eyes.. lies in front of my face.
‘because addicts are so good at twisting things and lying you almost think it is yourself that is at fault’ – I don’t need to change any of those words. I’ve written them myself David. Feel like you’re going mad? That’s what they do. They believe their own lies and their own justifications, so you are WASTING OXYGEN. STOP ARGUING AND STOP TRYING TO RATIONALISE WITH AN ADDICT.
“they would swear black is white” – I’ve shown my partner his own phone, with his dealer’s number in it (again) after he changed his number and got rid of all his drug contacts. I showed him on his own phone the drug people.. he denied it.
What I can tell you is this.. what you are going through is perfectly normal for someone trying to love an addict. You’re not going mad. You are however outnumbered by your partner and her family, who are enabling and colluding in her drug use. So you have no chance. She is nowhere near wanting to acknowledge her addiction, which means she is a million miles away from wanting to stop and get help. She may NEVER want to stop – have you considered that? Because it doesn’t sound to me that she wants to stop, and if her own family are enabling her and condoning her, she certainly isn’t going to stop any time soon.
If you are waiting for the magical day when she will stop, get clean and everything will be happy, let me tell you – for most addicts, that day never comes. As I said, my partner (ex) is now waiting to go into rehab. Do I think he will stop? Will he come out and stay clean? Do I believe I’ll get my happy ever after? NO. I’ve heard too many lies, been disappointed too many times, abused more than I deserve and finally I’ve realised, I deserve better. I deserve respect and love and honesty – three things an addict is entirely incapable of giving – the drugs prevent that.
I hope you can find the steps to make the break away. You sound like a lovely man so the chances of you finding a loving partner are undoubtably there, and one day you’ll see that you deserve so much better.
It’s a big wide world out there… and a lot of people with love to give. x
As I said, you will get there David. I done nearly 3 years with my partner. There comes a time where you truly realise your own self worth and can see a time when you find someone that loves you and respects you and doesn’t put you second. I saw a perfect quote recently..
As I was fighting for you, I realized I was fighting to be lied to; fighting to be taken for granted; fighting to be disappointed; and fighting to be hurt again…so I started fighting to let go.
If ever a quote summed up my relationship that is it. Why was I fighting for? An abusive angry moody unreliable dishonest weak junkie. No thanks. Rather be alone then unhappy. The peace of mind is priceless.
You sound like you are anti drugs, as I am. So this is a relationship that will never work. And you have to accept that everything has a beginning AND an end. You are trying to rescue a wreckage. And I think you know you can never trust her again, or have a future with her. The he’d part is admitting this to yourself.
hi David,
when you understand the nature of addiction it makes it easier to accept a lot of things. You learn not to take it so personally, and it doesn’t hurt so much. But the facts are, an addict will always choose drugs over you. Always. And as long as they are doing drugs, you are wasting oxygen trying to reason and rationalise with them. You will drive YOURSELF insane.
I can guarantee you this though, she will get bored and try to reconnect with you. When she runs out of money, when she gets low, when the drugs wear off and reality starts flooding back and she feels guilty and lonely, she will reach out. And like a fool, a kind person things ‘Ahh, she does love me really.’
Your girlfriend sounds like she is a million miles away from even wanting to acknowledge that she has a problem. So right now, you are simply wasting your life and allowing it to make you deeply unhappy. May I give you a comparison?
I was with my partner through the ‘I don’t have a problem’ stage – to ‘I will get help one day’ – to where he is now.. waiting to go into a rehab centre and knowing he needs help. But guess what.. he is still using. Because that is the nature of addition. Two months ago, he tried to reconnect with me.. came to my leisure centre… I walked out. He texted me.. apologising for the abuse and for being so cruel.. I ignored him. He tried to call me. I didn’t answer. He will go quiet for a few days when he gets his drugs, uses.. then he runs out of money and reaches out again. It is a very common cycle – and they are using the people that love them as much as they are using the drugs.
She’s almost certainly doing coke, which is far more addictive that weed, and if she has no money that is your answer right there. You being there, doing things for her.. providing for her. You know what you’re doing? You are condoning her behaviour of you. You are saying you accept the way she is treating you. Thats the message you are sending out. ‘He will be back.’ ‘Click my fingers and he will come running.’
My partner has bombarded me with texts over xmas and new year – asking if I will be here after his rehab, and if I will please answer him.
I didn’t answer one single message or call. He will NEVER get the opportunity to abuse me again – sending me shitty messages and calling me names when he’s in a drugs comedown. NEVER AGAIN!
Whatever stage you are at right now David, keep going. Keep building on that strength and resolve. There is a better life out there for you (and me). A loving woman that will love you, support you, appreciate you, and give yoiu honesty and respect.
x
if he is flirting on social media, he doesn’t respect you. And if you don’t respect yourself, he certainly won’t have any respct for you. Trust me, try to block him on all fronts.. cut off contact, and just give yourself time to recover and think. Don’t ruminate on things (like looking through texts, photos)… accept the pain but know it will pass.
Try an app called Mend, which is good for anxiety. It has some useful tools.
if he is flirting on social media, he doesn’t respect you. And if you don’t respect yourself, he certainly won’t have any respct for you. Trust me, try to block him on all fronts.. cut off contact, and just give yourself time to recover and think. Don’t ruminate on things (like looking through texts, photos)… accept the pain but know it will pass.
Try an app called Mend, which is good for anxiety. It has some useful tools.
if he is flirting on social media, he doesn’t respect you. And if you don’t respect yourself, he certainly won’t have any respct for you. Trust me, try to block him on all fronts.. cut off contact, and just give yourself time to recover and think. Don’t ruminate on things (like looking through texts, photos)… accept the pain but know it will pass.
Try an app called Mend, which is good for anxiety. It has some useful tools.
listen dre, stop blaming yourself, and stop beating yourself up. If it takes time for you to break away from him, as it is for David, it is because you are not ready. We all do things at our own pace, and this is your journey so you can only go at your own pace.
Once you start to reclaim your peace of mind, and can think straight, you will start to see your own self worth. Once this happens, it because difficult to accept someone disrespecting you. So try to now look after yourself. Put yourself first.
I don’t feel I am in pain. I have past that now. I’m angry.. and proud. I won’t be abused ever again by him, or anyone else.
This year can be the new start you need to make the changes to get free of him and start to live your life. Stop torturing yourself. x
oh trust me, yes I’ve been there. The sleepless nights, the heartache, the sadness, the frustration. When you love an addict, anger is your best friend. I used to do all that – catching him out, prove he’s lying.. find stuff to show he’s still using… I would try and track him down in drug dens, constantly ring his phone when I knew he was using – and even contacting him when I knew I’d get nothing but junk-fuelled abuse.
Can you maybe see the insanity of trying to catch a liar in a lie? They spend their lives lying, it’s second nature to them. You catching them changes nothing. We do it simply to prove to OURSELVES we know they are lying, because they are not going to admit to it. I’ve found drug numbers on my partner’s phone, showed him them and he’s STILL denied it. Please stop wasting your time expecting an addict to suddenly start being honest with you. One thing that helped me when I was breaking away was to keep saying to myself ‘not my problem’ … or look at it this way.. not my monkey, not my circus.
You have NO duty to her. NONE. ZERO. Mothers have walked away from addict sons.. because they cannot help them. Until the day (that may never come) that they admit they are an addict and want to change, we cannot change them or help them. Bailing them out of problems is enabling them and will only encourage further use.
I didn’t know when I would EVER walk away. Maybe I still haven’t. At one point I never thought I would. Ever. But very quickly I saw that he wasn’t going to change, and I realised I’d heard all the same excuses and lies before.. too many times. Right now, I have peace of mind, I sleep well, eat well and exercise. All of this is crucial to reclaiming your sanity and getting your life back. But I know only too well you are at your own stage of your journey and no one can push you along quicker. No one.
Try this little exercise for sleep… sit down each night before bedtime and list/express anything that is worrying/hurting you. Then acknowledge that you cannot change the things that are caused by others, but that you can change how you deal with them.. and send it all off into the universe. Let it float up like a prayer, and accept that a higher power will listen and deal with it in time.
Here if you need any advice or support. You are not alone. x