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I got the impression you had broken away from your partner Dre80, as you seem so self aware and also aware of addiction and how it works. Are you still emotionally tied to them?
I once mentioned to a friend how many days I’d not seen my partner and she said ‘listen to yourself, counting the days – like an addict.’ And that’s what it is, an addiction. Only ours isn’t to drugs or alcohol or some illicit substance, it’s to a toxic person, an unhealthy relationship. I wonder, how many times have we been baffled how our loved one can keep going back to someone so unhealthy and damaging to them.
May I ask you guys this… have you experienced any of the following as a result of your relationship with an addict:
* disturbed sleep pattern
* disturbed appetite
* Stress/anxiety/depression/low sense of self-worth/low esteem
* physical illness (stomach problems/headaches/loss of appetite)
* mood swings
* mental decline
* financially impacted
* your work/family life affected
I’m gonna hazard a guess and say you have experienced pretty much all of the above. All of the above are some of the symptoms of drug abuse.
Shocked?
I experienced all of the above in three years of fighting to help an addict. I was less with such a low sense of worth that when a man paid me a compliment, I started crying. I believed I was worthless. I had put up with abuse, anger, mood swings, lies, disappointment – and my health (mental and physical) suffered.. declined.. until I was so weak I could take no more. I’ve never suffered physical abuse but mental abuse can be so much more long lasting.
I have walked away. My partner is waiting to go into rehab and still texts me. He has called me twice. I don’t answer his calls. I don’t answer his texts. I won’t see him or speak to him. I have REMOVED his ability to abuse me, because I simply won’t engage with him now. He will NEVER get another opportunity to sit in a restaurant and – in front of friends – tell me I ‘might as well f*** off’… he will never get the chance to lie to me. I will never again be on the end of his mood swings or his pathetic excuses or lies.
I rebuild myself each day and I pray for you guys on here, that you also find the strength to do the same, before you waste anymore of your precious life.
I’m glad if I have been able to help anyone with my words. Hope we can all be strong enough to move on and move forward with our lives, and find someone we deserve, who doesn’t treat us like we are worthless. We are all worth so much more.
Ultimately, and I know it’s hard to accept, but she’s choosing junk over you. Drugs. If someone loves you, you come first. If you’re not happy, and she won’t stop.. it shows what you she values more.
Imagine if you found someone who loves you the way you love.
Ultimately, and I know it’s hard to accept, but she’s choosing junk over you. Drugs. If someone loves you, you come first. If you’re not happy, and she won’t stop.. it shows what you she values more.
Imagine if you found someone who loves you the way you love.
Sadly I’ve been where you are David. And from what I’ve read, you are worth so much more. You really can’t help an I addict until they decide to help themselves. You just waste your time a s they absolutely drain you along the way. You have to be strong for yourself, and step away. Until she loses the things she values and accepts that she has a problem, you’re fighting a battle you can never win. Step back, reclaim your sanity and look after yourself. You will get there fella x
You’re not responsible for whether she sinks or swims.
Remember one thing; not my circus, not my monkeys.
Enjoy your peace of mind and your own space. Your sadness won’t last forever.
You’re not responsible for whether she sinks or swims.
Remember one thing; not my circus, not my monkeys.
Enjoy your peace of mind and your own space. Your sadness won’t last forever.
Thank you for what you wrote.. EVERY SINGLE WORD is true.
I can only add one thing.. helping an addict is like rescuing someone from a burning building. You keep running inside to drag them out, only for them to run back inside. How many times do you want to get burnt running inside to ‘rescue’ them?
It’s staggering, the parallels between us all. I will quote you with things I have written myself:
“I’ve never loved anyone as I love him and he is a good man when he is himself.”
“honestly questioned my own sanity…”
“I was still so angry at him…” “I miss and love him so much”
“The lies are the massive thing for me, the trying to convince you that it’s in your head and you’re paranoid to the point you have to question yourself only to find out your gut instinct was in fact spot on.”
“He has ruined my last two birthdays…”
All of the above, I could have written without changing a word. I feel I’ve moved beyond that point now.. what Dre80 says is 100% spot on… when you get down to the heart of it, this is about US, not them.. not the addicts with the problem.
We are NOT going to change them, we have to change the situation we are in… and the only way we can do that is by walking away. It is NOT going to get better…don’t let your heart run your heart and don’t live on sentimentality. The bad times far outweighed the good times I had with my fella. He managed to ruin two christmas days, and three birthdays. Yesterday was truly the first time I didn’t let me get in my head.. although he still contacted me – to tell me I am the love of his life and everything is going to be ok. Yeah right. I’ve been hearing that for nearly 3 years. Enough is truly enough.
Just when you start to pick yourself up, they drag you back in. They will make you feel like you’ll losing your mind. Your mental, spiritual and physical health will decline, you will lose sleep, time and happiness wasting your life trying to help them, and they will return time and time again to their addiction. They will lie to you, manipulate you, treat you like crap and drown you in their self pity. They will turn on you, blame you.. they will disappoint you, let you down, and ruin every important moment in life. Is this love?
I keep moving forward. I have been kind, but no longer will I be weak. I hope you all get to where I am in my journey because the peace of mind is priceless, the ability to love yourself in precious and the realisation that we are worth more is where you start to self-heal and move on without an addict dragging you down.
That’s what they do, twist you up and leave you feeling confused, that you are the one doing wrong. I HAVE BEEN THERE! In just over two short years I had it all, the lies, the abuse, the denials, the broken promises, the JEKYLL AND HYDE. Two people and the want the loving caring beautiful person back. But as long as they want drugs, you won’t get them back .. and she isn’t anywhere near wanting to admit she has a problem so you have to walk away and heal yourself. She may never ever stop taking drugs. How many more years of your life do you want to waste? How mentally and physically ill do you want to get? Ask yourself these questions. You are trying to change a situation an addict doesn’t want to change, all she will do is fight you .. and lie to you.
I really feel for you.. because I’ve been there and have the t-shirt. My partner contacted me today.. telling me ‘everything will be ok’ in a letter. Yeah yeah, we’re nearly 3 years on and I guarantee you this, next week he will go smoke crack. Did I get a present in return (not that I expected one?) no. Why? He’s spent all his money on drugs. So I don’t contact him, don’t answer his calls, don’t reply to texts or letters. He hadn’t yet realised it, but he lost me months back, after a particularly nasty text. I decided.. NO MORE! I deserve better than this.
And so do you David. How many more years of your life do you want to give to someone so undeserving of you and your love?
I’m reading your post, and you are saying all the things I’ve said in the past. You know what I said to myself last Christmas? ‘New year, new start.. I won’t go through this again’ and yet I got to September and went through nearly another year of hell.
You say the problem is she will just let you walk and won’t see it’s her fault and that will be the end of it.. and? Please believe me when I tell you this.. an addict DOESN’T SEE that that they have a problem. You waiting for her to realise it isn’t even half of the battle. I have an addict partner who has finally accepted he is an addict, is waiting to go to rehab, has admitted our relationship break up was his fault.. has he stopped using? NO. He contacted me yesterday to tell me he’s waiting to go, is so sorry for all the hurt he caused and that he would do anything for me. I didn’t reply. But I did leave a present with a friend to give to him .. because I know that to leave him without a card or present on Xmas day would break his heart. But my kindness is no longer weakness. I won’t answer his calls, or his texts. I don’t wish to see him. He nearly destroyed me .. over and over and over.. and made me feel worthless. He lied, he was abusive, hurtful, nasty… now he realises what he’s lost.
You are currently going through a process.. one in which you’re lead by your heart. When she has broken you completely and you retreat to heal yourself, you might start thinking with your head.. you’ll have the trust and love crushed out of you maybe… but I know you have to do it at your own pace and no amount of good advice will stop you doing what your heart leads you to do. So just protect yourself, and have respect for yourself, because an addict damn sure won’t have any respect for you. She’s choosing drugs over you. You’re worth better fella x
but don’t you see, that is exactly what addicts do. They don’t have the capacity for rational thought – their lives are chaos, so whilst they while away their time justifying their awful behaviour and lack of accountability, you end up feeling like YOU are the problem, you are the one in the wrong, YOU are the one that’s losing your mind.. and you DO lose your mind. I suffered anxiety, panic attacks, depression and also physically trying to help my addicted partner.
Let me assure you on one thing… you withdrawing and thinking ‘they will appreciate me now, they will see what they have lost?’ WAKE UP! They will never appreciate what they’ve lost – if they loved and appreciated you, they wouldn’t be doing drugs! I accepted a long time ago my boyfriend wasn’t going to stop ‘because he loved me enough’ – if he loved me he wouldn’t have spent 2 years using crack, abusing me and lying and making me feel like I was the problem. I walked away from the man I loved most in my life.. and I continue to fend off his pathetic excuses to contact me.. because I woke up and realised.. you know what.. there will be a man out there who DOES love me, and doesn’t put drugs before me, and doesn’t lie to me, and doesn’t make me feel like I am worthless.
my partner (i imagine when he was low and coming down and had run out of drugs and money) texted me and told me how sorry he was for being so cruel… and that he never meant to hurt me… the difference was this time I didn’t respond to him and I didn’t respond to his call. What did he do? Went right back to using his crack …so he can get on with it… and sit and rue what he’s lost. But life is short and I will not waste it on a junkie anymore. I suggest you do the same and find a woman who will love and appreciate you DavidK.
Hi
I’m now single, no kids, and spent just over two years trying to help my much older boyfriend.. 20 years difference between us.. he’s older.. despite being pensionable age he smokes crack .. and did heroin at one point.
You get no thanks trying to help an addict. You just waste your life and lose your sanity and happiness. Get out and count your blessings because you deserve better. Stop thinking with your heart because trust me, addicts don’t go too sentimental as long as they have they crap to take. Life is too short and there is a lovely lady out there that deserves you.