[thelostone]

Every single thing you’ve said, that was 100% me a year ago. And yes, it’s totally normal.

Addicts have very limited insight into their own behaviour. They lie, deny, attack you in defence, abuse you.. they live in denial. The minute you confront them, them turn it round on you. Which is why it’s worthless to confront them. They will make you feel you’re losing your mind. And you will.. lose your mind.

It’s taken me over two years to get where I am. And no one can push you there quicker than you’re ready to move. This is your own process. Your own journey. You can’t just walk away. Not until you go through your own process. But you can start protecting yourself.

I think you really need to get him out of your flat. For your own safety and sanity. ESP if he has his own place. Until he reaches the point that he is genuinely ready to get help he will not stop using. My partner IS ready and has written me the most amazing letters, apologising for everything, acknowledging the pain he put me through, his love for me. But he is still waiting to go into rehab, and still using – and back to the completely abusive, moody, aggressive and lying ****hole.. so I’m done. Haven’t seen him for 4 weeks and I’m doing well.

Set your boundaries and reclaim your space and sanity. Get your own safe space, and tell him your rules (whether it’s no contact, or whatever)

Until he reaches rock bottom and loses everything, he will almost certainly never stop using that junk.

[thelostone]

I’ll be completely. I don’t know if I have cut off completely. I told him not to contact me again. Got a really horrible reply (which is just not the man he usually is, so I knew he was using).. I blocked him. I then unblocked him. I don’t know why. But I know inside how strong I am now compared to a year ago. And I have acknowledged that the trust is gone. So there’s no hope. I wished him well in the rehab and said I’d pray for him. But the last week or so, I’ve found peace. I have absolutely no inclination to contact him.

The last week BEFORE he went into rehab, he was using. He gave his new number to all the same old scumbag addicts and dealers. I was utterly exhausted. I was becoming ill again. So I cut off then .. mentally and physically.

I look at my life and think ‘what am I missing? Lies, tears, abuse?’

You want the man back that you fell in love with. Because he’s loving, caring, sweet, funny. It’s Jekyll and Hyde. Any of this sound familiar? Right now you are not someone special to him, you’re collateral damage.

So find some time to sit alone and think, what do you want? How can you put some space between you and him so you can set up some boundaries, to protect yourself?

Don’t bother with ultimatums. They don’t work, he will break them and you will move them. I started with establishing my own space, my home.. and he cannot and will not ever get into my flat again. I wouldn’t even answer a call. A text maybe, but probably not. Only because of the strokes I unblocked him. But if anything happens to him, his family would let me know.

Let me ask you, if it was a friend in your position, what would you tell her to do?

[thelostone]

Hi. I hope I can reach out and help you in some way.

If I type random things *, it’s because they’ve come into my head and I think they might help you.

My partner (now ex partner as I seek to claw away from him), is STILL using crack. I’ve had lie upon lie upon lie. He went to a rehab unit, came back after 2 weeks because they wouldn’t let him have his own room.. and is using again. I have broken away (lost count of the times I’ve done this). He’s now had TWO strokes. Has that stopped him? No. Over the course of 2 years, I tried to ‘save him’ and lost my physical health, mental health. I suffered anxiety and depression. Today I protect myself. I come first. I’ve heard enough lies and cried enough to make a river.

*If you’re expecting a happy ending, realise there might not be one. He’ll get clean and you will be happy and he will never use again – it’s highly unlikely. If your trust is gone, it’s pretty much over.

May I comment on what you’ve typed.. and what it says to me? I hope you don’t take offence as whatever I say comes from my heart to yours, in the hope it will help you.

“Normally I wouldn’t accuse him for fear of offending him.” – but he can lie to you and use deceit and subtefuge, and that doesn’t offend you. I would say confront him, but all you will get is lies. So save your breath.

“He does weekly online meetings but I feel things are getting worse.” LIsten to your own instincts. Always. Always listen to your gut feeling, it is rarely ever wrong.

You are not the only one in this position. Sadly. I called a drug advice line months into my relationship, having first found out about my partner’s crack use. You know what the man told me? ‘RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION’. I could have saved myself 2 years abuse, heartache and deceit. I didn’t listen.

I searched streets looking for him, chased him down, bombarded his phone, staked out his flat, I confronted a dealer.. I lost my mind, all sense for my own safety, and my health. DON’T DO THIS. Walk away. Get him out of your flat NOW. You need to set boundaries. Right now.

I told my partner I did not want him turning up at my flat. Now I’ve told him not to contact me. Even though he is waiting to go to a second rehab place, I have cut off. For my own protection. Because he will not stop using. There is no miracle cure, and no happy ending in sight, so I am going to re-establish my self-worth, and my peace of mind. I am ok now, I eat and sleep well, I don’t have anxiety, I don’t cry constantly, I am healing.

You CAN walk away and never look back, but you don’t sound ready to do that. And no amount of advice will make you do it. So… just start protecting yourself. Steel yourself for the toughest fight of your life. Because trust me, trying to love and support an addict is the hardest and most futile thing you will ever do in your life. So you best be ready for it. Unless you start to withdraw.

I’ve been exactly where you are. You need to step back, take a deep breath and establish where you go next. My god though, you’re a young (probably beautiful loving caring) young lady. Do you want to waste your life on an addict who puts that junk before you?

[thelostone]

I feel so sorry for you. I also relate to what you’ve written. I have done 2 years with a crack addict, who is literally waiting on a phone call to say he’s off to a rehab centre. He had been clean for 4 weeks I believe (got his act together, started eating, going gym, paid off debts).. yesterday he went and used. It has utterly devastated both his sister and myself. I feel I came out of the tunnel I was in – on the end of his abuse and chaotic lifestyle. I became mentally and physically ill. But I’ve also learned a lot very quickly, and hope I can offer you these words:

* 4 weeks in rehab is virtually nothing. The chances of him using are around 99%

* An addict has virtually NO insight into their behaviour or their impact on loved ones. They live with lies and denial, which starts with lying to themselves, and invalidating the views and feelings of those around them. You CANNOT rationalise with an addict. ‘I feel like I’m losing my mind’ – does this seem familiar to you? This is what they do to you. So.. until he is truly clean, he will not have the insight or emotional range to realise the damage he has done, and you probably won’t get your apology. One day you might, but don’t sit waiting for it. It is highly likely he will use again, and an addict will not let go of the people that love and care for them. They always find their way back. They use drugs, and people.

* If you want to do what is best for you, try to reclaim your mental health – as I am doing (again) right now. Look after yourself, sleep well, eat well, exercise (this is very good for mental health and to boast your immune system and mental reserves). Make your number one priority YOU. If only for now, focus on YOU. I did this recently, cutting off from my partner/ex-partner for 12 weeks. I got myself fit again, stopped drinking and binge eating, and got back my peace of mind. Like you, he found his way back into my life by saying he was getting clean. Yeah.. until yesterday when he decided to destroy the little trust we’d rebuilt over 4 weeks.

I am so sorry you invested 9 years of your life. That is a LONG time. Surely now is the time to focus on you. And by the way, your feelings matter. Don’t ever minimise the impact this has had on you. Because supporting an addict is the toughest thing you will ever try to do. You keep running inside the burning building to drag him out, but he keeps running back. How many times do you want to keep running in before you realise you are being burned?

Best for you, reclaim your peace of mind, and health. If you have those two things, you have everything. I send you healing thoughts my love. x

[thelostone]

I guess sadly we have all been through, similar experiences to yours. Mine partner has a crack addiction, which seems much worse, but addiction is addiction whatever the form.

It does affect the loved ones… profoundly. You have said yourself, you are depressed. I suffered anxiety, depression, self esteem issues.. it just mentally and physically drains you.

It seems your partner does at least recognise that he has a problem. I think maybe the next step for him is getting professional help.

[thelostone]

If he is using or in the midst of use he won’t care about anything. They have little concept of time or people. It obliterates all their sense of feelings and emotions. So don’t take it personally, just focus on yourself, your children and your health and mental well being. It is the best thing to do to protect yourself.

[thelostone]

then you have to walk away. No amount of talking to him will make him see this whilst he is in the midst of the drugs.

Protect yourself and your family, and put up your boundaries. Unless he can commit to get clean and see for himself that he has a problem, there is no point being around him.

[thelostone]

I’d a cliche but so true that an addict has to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they will realise what it’s done to them. And you trying to make him see sense is pointless. You will just make yourself ill with the stress and worry.

When you say ‘family’ who do you mean? His family? Ultimately it doesn’t matter.. until he walk away he won’t see what he’s lost… because you’re still there.

There are some great self care apps which I found helpful.. try looking for MEND which is good for helping people in difficult times.

[thelostone]

Trust me when I say this… don’t take it personally. You cannot reason with someone using drugs. One day if and when he gets clean, he will apologise to you. But whilst he is using he is incapable of seeing the wrong he is doing so don’t waste your energy on trying to argue with him. Just focus on you now and leave him to his own devices. He will come back to you when he realises what he’s done.

[thelostone]

Well I know it’s of little consolation but so many of us have been where you are now. I nearly drove myself mad. I did things that just wasn’t me, put my own safety at risk, got so angry I could have killed people .. it just never ends. In the end you simply have to walk away, you shut down mentally. And if your partner shows no sign of wanting to stop or seeing that there is a problem it will only get worse.

You can put things in place to protect yourself .. boundaries as they call them. It’s what I had to do in the end. My partner is now going away to try and get clean, but even I know chances of him doing it and staying clean are very slim.

Drugs are truly a scourge on us all.

[thelostone]

Trust me, I’ve been where you are.

Still today, I use the online chat guys, who just gave me so much advice, and validated what I was feeling, so I didn’t feel like I was losing my mind.

Trying to support an addict is the toughest thing I’ve ever done… far worse than losing loved ones to death or cancer… it’s TOUGH.

You have to focus on healing yourself first.

[thelostone]

Then you need away from this situation as quickly as you can. A user in the midst of using has NO insight whatsoever into their own behaviour and they can make you think you’re losing your mind. You cannot argue, reason or rationalise with a user, so don’t waste your breath trying. Just get yourself away from this toxic situation, so you can reclain your sanity and protect your children.

Once he hits rock bottom, he might get a wake up call.. but don’t wait for this to happen because it might never. You have to walk away now until he can accept his addiction and agree to get help.

I do hope you can find youself in a better place. It took my 2 years and I still my partner in my life, but he is at least about to go to a rehab centre. I don’t kid myself it will work or that he won’t use – but whilst he is clean he is the man I fell in love with and I am supporting him. But the minute he uses or tries to disrespect me, I disengage and let him get on with it.

[thelostone]

I’ve been where you are, confronted dealers, chased him down to drug dens, almost lost my mind. You can’t stop yourself anymore than he can stop using. You take it personally and anger becomes your best friend as you feel like you are losing your mind. Nothing will stop you on your own journey as you go through all this until you find your own way to break free. Unless and until he hits rock bottom and decides to get help (which may never happen) you HAVE to get away from him. You can’t help him, change him, save him or make him stop. How many times do you want to run into the burning building to drag him out, only for him to run back inside? Get rid of one dealer and there’s another there in a second to replace him.

Step away, however long it takes. However many times it takes you, step away. Because each time you do, you will get stronger. Step back and put up your boundaries. Because unless you do, all this will do is destroy you, mentally and physically. You will become ill. And suffer depression, anxiety and Illnesses.

Start reclaiming your peace of mind and stop giving him head space. It’s difficult to accept but you can’t help him, only HE can help himself. Until he does that, you have to step away.

[thelostone]

you can’t just switch off, it’s a process you go through.. you will get to where you need to be.. but it won’t happen overnight. You go through your own process.. I’ve done it.

Don’t lie to cover up for him.. that’s important. Always be honest, at least to yourself. It’s not weak to say you’d have him back, if that’s the truth. No one has the right to judge you.

My partner has just received funding to go into a residential rehab so he has a chance… but that’s all it is, a chance. I don’t kid myself it will cure him. I’m at the stage of my own journey where I’ve accepted how powerful addiction is, and that it’s not something to take personally.. if my partner cannot beat it, we can never have any kind of relationship. But it’s taken me two years to get to where I am.. after a lot of manic behaviour, stress, anxiety, depression and nearly losing my sanity and health.

As I said, you will get there, so don’t be harsh on yourself. Just remember to value yourself, it will make it easier to make tough decisions.

[thelostone]

I am so sorry to read this. I suffered anxiety for the two years I was with my partner. He has been clean for 5 weeks approx but I believe he used on Monday. I saw the same old Mr Hyde on Tuesday. A completely different man. I simply walked away. No longer will I allow my health or peace of mind to be affected by him and his use. He tried calling me and came round to see me. I didn’t answer the door. These are my boundaries. I do what I have to do to protect myself now, and I feel this is what you need to do. Because all this will make you very ill. Do try the online chat I gave you the link to. They are brilliant and were my life saver.

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