[thelostone]

if someone treats you like crap, you will start to believe that’s all your worth. I’ve done it and been there, so I know what you’re saying. Violence is totally unacceptable. If he is prepared to use force against you, I doubt he would think twice stealing from you. Right now, the drug version of your man has no respect for you.. or himself. So get away as quick as you can.

At their worst, an addict will blame everyone but themselves for their addiction and the position they are in. If you don’t give them what they want or you aren’t supplying them with what they need, they will have no need for you.

The minute I left my fella, I stopped crying. I didn’t miss him because how can you miss abuse and lies and heartache. I had peace of mind. That is priceless.

Set up your boundaries as soon as you can and stick to them. One day you will decide.. you either get clean or leave me alone. If he can’t accept this, keep the boundary up. He will hit rock bottom soon enough… don’t let him come back and use you.

I do hope you are ok.

[thelostone]

if the manager has said it can”t be there, you need to explain this to him, and that it has to go.

I’ve been where you are, where your behaviour is just not the person you are. Walking the streets at 1am trying to find his van, shouting up at flats like a mad woman, CONFRONTING a drug dealer and putting myself in harm’s way.

I am going to try and give you my best advice, from what I’ve learned trying to love a crack/heroin addict.

All his bad behaviour – the let downs, the lies, the using, selling his stuff – forget all that for now. Put it in a mental drawer for now.. whenever painful things come to mind, tell yourself.. ‘that’s addiction.’ Because it is. A junkie will sell their own kids for drugs so don’t take it personally. I know it hurts, but put it to one side for now.

Focus on YOU and your children. Start putting in place some boundaries… so that you can start to reclaim your life and sanity. Whether it’s getting him moved on, barring him from contact, decide what you need to do. You are not a bad mother, so all that guilt… forget it.

Stop worrying about him. You are not his mother. You can’t rescue him, save him or stop him using. Only HE can stop him using.. you owe him nothing. How many times do you want to run inside the burning building to save him, only for him to run back inside? STOP now, before you lose your sanity and health.

Christmas is a while away yet. You never know what’s round the corner. You will be without him, but you will have peace of mind, and you will have your children. Children are very intuitive and know more than they let on, so if you and your house are in disharmony, this will affect them. Get back some stability and routine, and focus on providing a happy, peaceful home and things will fall into place.

A junkie will not stop using until they reach their absolute lowest point. Until they’ve lost everything. That’s where my ex-partner is now, and he is waiting to go into a rehab centre. He pawned stuff, had people owing him money, users used him.. I wanted to protect him.. but in the end… I just let go. No more will I burn myself dragging him out the building. If he wants to walk out himself, I will be there. But he might always go back inside.. this is addiction.

I don’t want anyone to have to suffer what I went through (and I don’t have kids) – so I hope this advice helps you in some way to become stronger. To realise your own self worth. To realise that you cannot allow yourself and your kids to be so detrimentally affected by this man and his addiction.

He might come back to you one day, the man he was. But until he does, get him out of your life, and listen to the peace.

x

[thelostone]

That might be difficult to do without involving the police. Who owns the caravan? If it’s yours you are within your rights to ask him to leave. Sorry you are up at such an ungodly hour, I have been there too. But I do know this much. If you don’t get him out of your life now it will also kill you, mentally and physically. You have to reclaim your life and start putting down some boundaries. Unless he get go away and get clean the man you love is not coming back.

Guess what? Mine has come back. Apparently clean and waiting to go into a rehab centre. Until he does that, he gets nothing more out of me. I’m done being treated like crap and taken from granted. No more. It made me ill and took my sanity but I have clawed my way back.

Pls use that link I gave you, they are available to chat online and are brilliant … they saved my life!

Here if you need me x

[thelostone]

coco,

please visit this site tomorrow.. you can chat anonymously and live to a support worker. They are EXCELLENT.

https://www.addaction.org.uk/webchat

They may be able to help you find some direction. They don’t judge, they are there for the affected others of users.

You have done nothing wrong but try to love and support an addict.. truly an impossible task. Now you have to consider what to do next, for yourself and your children.

x

[thelostone]

coco, it’s best you don’t give yourself false hope. Honestly, I’ve got the t-shirt where that’s concerned. You are NOT responsible for him using, or what happens if he uses. He could well die, or have a stroke or a heart attack, or get threatened or beaten by another user or dealer. That is the life of an addict, and that is the choice HE is making.

For the sake of your own mental and physical health, you have to cut him off. Until he can come back to you CLEAN, and PROVE he’s clean, there is absolutely NO POINT going round in this cycle. They use drugs and they use people. If he does get clean, you will know yourself by his whole life and behaviour. The sooner you accept that it might not happen, you will make the rest of your journey so much easier.

Block him, and take back the power, so you can regain your peace of mind and your sanity. You deserve better than to have such anxiety and unhappiness in your life.

I’ve let my fella go now. Claims he is going into rehab. I really couldn’t care because he is on that road alone now.. and I am on my own road. It made me ill, physically sick and mentally ill (anxiety, depression, panic attacks). NO MORE.

Always here if you want to chat.

[thelostone]

he gets his pension.. yes, he’s THAT old and still doing that shit. He did get into the habit of pawning stuff. Getting it back. Pawning it. Getting it back. Just a never ending cycle.

Did he use since the stroke? Yes. (it took about 10 days before he used again).

I heard nothing from him in 12 weeks. Then his sister called to tell me he’s going back to the recovery people.

What was he doing in those 12 weeks, since walking away from me? Using crack. Wasn’t too bothered how I was getting on for those months – but claims he loves me and misses me – and broke down in tears. I don’t doubt he means it, but clearly his addiction comes first.

I’ve heard it too many times, seen it too many times and refuse to be dragged down anymore by him. No more false hope, no more tolerating lies, abuse and disappointment. Today I have self-worth and peace of mind.

[thelostone]

let me tell you something.

I’ve just discovered my ex has had a stroke. He failed in recovery and I walked away.. he didn’t stop using.. and now he has had a stroke. I made the decision to go see him because there is a very real possibility he will have another stroke, and I don’t want that on my conscience.

Do I think he will stop now. Hell no.

I have made it clear that I am still on my own path, and nothing has changed for me. Unless he could come to me and prove he’s been clear for a substantial amount of time, I will not put myself through his drug bullshit any longer. I simply refuse.

You’ve asked, if I take him back will he use again? Let me answer that for you.

YES.

Visit this page.. and during weekdays you can chat live to a drugs counsellor and get some advice. Get yourself some help.. because you need to start helping you.

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/

[thelostone]

I can’t get over this latest betrayal. He went into recovery, which is outstanding for him… and I KNEW he’s lapse. I knew he would and told him. But I made it clear..BE HONEST TO ME. And DON’T give out your number to these slags again.

He did both.

And to exacerbate it, he emailed me and said he wasn’t so much lying to me to hide the truth, as to protect me from it. Spoken as only a true addict in denial could speak. I gave him a hard hitting reply, and blocked him.

I just have to deal with any post he sends, (right not just not opening it is my best move) and count down the days until I feel he is out of my life.

So glad I didn’t have kids, and thank God not married or living together.. my God, you did 20 odd years. No… 2 years of dragging me down has taken its toll. If I don’t walk away whilst I am strong enough to, I don’t think I ever will.

Hope you are ok. Thanks for your advice. It’s good to be pre-armed and shared others’ experiences. It reminds us we are not alone in this.

[thelostone]

Thanks. I had a look.. but quite honestly, I am just trying to walk away entirely. I’ve no interest in trying to help him anymore. He’s abused my trust too many times and I have enough anger now to cut him off. I get stronger each day so fingers crossed I can move on and finally get him out of my life.

[thelostone]

wow… your situation sounds worse than mine. Not married to him, no kids. And genuinely, he seems more in control.. but I do NOT kid myself that means it’s ok, or he won’t spiral. And he got himself to recovery, something he has hiterto NEVER done. So maybe there is hope for him. But I am not around and want not part of it. I’ve lost all respect for him. A man I used to utterly adore. That’s the heartbreaking part for me. But I won’t waste any more tears on him.

[thelostone]

I guess my experience is different because I (mercifully) don’t live with my (now ex) partner. When he used he would just go off radar but it wouldn’t be too noticeable to me as he’d do it overnight – so I’d only not hear from him til mid morning next day.. until it got a hold of him. But he would never do it around me, and I never ever saw any drug paraphenalia. At his worse he started pawning his belongings. However (maybe strangely), he NEVER ONCE took money from me for drugs. Never asked for money. He also didn’t seem to itch his skin, except for his legs which were genuinely affected by really dry skin. Maybe he wasn’t using that heavily…?

He did come to me in the middle of the night once, spaced out and needing to come down. He’d been driving round, over the limit for drink and drugs. He seemed scared. Had to drink alcohol to come down. I also spoke to him during a massive paranoid episode, he was convinced someone was trying to break into his flat. All delusions.

Last time I saw him, I asked him if he had lapsed. Tried to talk to him, he couldn’t stop himself swearing at me. I knew in my heart he was using again. I waited til the early hours that night. Switched his new phone on (he had taken to suddenly turning it off).. and found the drugs calls and the dealers I knew (he hadn’t even tried to hide their names in his contact list). This after changing his number and promising me they were history. I walked home at 4am that night and haven’t seen him since. He has come to my door and I didn’t answer.

I consider myself lucky compared to some. Just trying to find the strength to keep him away from me.

Thanks for your advice Dfh.. xxx

[thelostone]

DFH, that’s really interesting what you say. May I ask, for my own learning…. what makes you say that? If it was crack, wouldn’t he need to be away from her… smoking it, for a while longer than he seems to be. They’ve been in isolation together. My partner is a crack/heroin addict, and I know when uses it, he disappears for hours at a time. And when he reappears, even a fool can see he has used. But for Lp10, her partner seems to be only gone for minutes… less than a hour at a time.

She said he has the runny nose, complaining it was hayfever. My partner didn’t have this.. he had a hacking cough, you could hear his chest from all the crap he’d smoked. But he didn’t sniff anything and had no problems with his nose.

I’d be interested to hear more DfS x

[thelostone]

you take care. Always here if you need to speak. Good luck. One day at a time. Be kind to yourself, and take care of your kids. x

[thelostone]

I come and go.. dependent on my own needs… but if you respond to a post, I will get an email notification and will be here if you need to chat.

Have a heart to heart with your sister. It is invaluable to have someone support you. Someone that loves you. Someone to turn to. Because you will have some tough times ahead if you chose to stick with him. Even if you ask him to leave I feel it won’t be straightforward. Nothing with an addict is straightforward.. and their drugs take preference over everything.. and every one.

Always here if you need to chat. I am glad it’s been of help to you. Keep us updated. Get some sleep tonight. Learn to stop worrying.. and focus on what you can do positively to deal with the situation. Above all, know you are not alone. The anger will go.. one day. Just take one day at a time xxx

[thelostone]

sadly I only speak from experience. Don’t beat yourself up, you will get there.

Maybe the counselling benefitted me.. who knows, but I was running around like a lunatic. I confronted dealers, stalked the streets in the early hours trying to find his crack house mates.. I sent myself insane. You have children, they have to come before anyone.

Try to think of some boundaries.. some things you can decide you have to do to make life easier for yourself and the children. Be it to get him out the house, or protect yourself from him taking money from you. Determine a safe space where you and your children will be away from this…

trust me, it’s a cliche but you don’t know how strong you can be until you have to be. You will find your way. Do look at the other websites and read and research it, so you know what you are dealing with. Information makes you smarter about the situation you are in. You will know the signs to look for, and what you can do for yourself. I urge you to speak to the drug advice people on this live chat:

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/

when they open, they are so so helpful. They are there for the people affected by others use, and they have a wealth of knowledge and advice.

For yourself, try to find some ways to relax, and start to care for yourself.. breathing techniques, meditation.. long baths.. start to care about YOU.

I hit rock bottom November last year, when he was very unkind to me. I actually knelt by my bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.. and prayed. I’m not a religious person but I prayed to God that I find the strength to get this man out of my life, because I couldn’t take any more. I am still trying to get him out of my life, but my barriers went up that day. No more tears. No more heartache. I tried to help him and he started recovery in March, but he has lapsed. So I start again with the process of getting him out of my life. He will come back one day. They always do, because they are weak and needy and we loving nurturing women fulfil their needs. At our own expense.

Start to look forward. What can you do now.. in the next week/month, to move away for him? To protect your children. Protect yourself. Have some goals.. a plan. Get some support around you, be it forums or reconnecting with friends.

You will get there darling. Trust me.

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