Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
If he’s putting other people within the shared accommodation at risk (through financial abuse), even without the risk to your mum, then you absolutely did the right thing.
With the additional risk to your mum, there is nothing else you could’ve done. You said your mum was terrified of being “found out” – found out? Was she trying to hide the extent of his addiction so people wouldn’t know and judge/shame her? Doing that will continue to fuel his addiction.
I’m sorry this is falling onto you, but please please keep in mind you are not responsible for causing this pain. The addiction is. I’m really sorry you’ve been made to feel so guilty when all you are trying to do is protect who you love. You are not in the wrong at all.
I’m 30, my mum died from alcohol 2 years ago. I remember university very vividly because I refused to go home during summer as she was awful and it was unsafe there. It was hard to get support from uni because we weren’t “estranged” in the legal definition but we were in every sense of the word.
It is very much ok to want to not go back, to finally spend some time for yourself and to be your own person. It’s not selfish. You will think it’s selfish, but it isn’t. You do not owe your life to someone else’s addiction. If your dad is being offered support and he isn’t taking it, that’s not your problem. He needs to take some ownership over his illness and the impact it’s having on the rest of your family.
He will need to go to his GP to get help with detox, which will be more likely than getting a rehab place.
But, what about you? What about your mum? What support are you getting and what do you need to start to heal from this?
I would like it if people with alcohol/substance use disorder learned the family member’s experience too. We read everything we can to try and learn why people are the way they are, we go on CRAFT training and we try and be the best we can. We are often carers who are given little understanding or support.
Our experiences are so often neglected (I mean if you look at this forum there’s loads of people with substance use disorder talking about their experiences for a supposed charity dedicated to family members) and I would love it for policy makers, NHS, social care, our loved ones, to learn about us. How absolutely devastating it is. How people with lived experience of addiction could learn to listen to us and our pain. We forget who we are and become totally absorbed by the addiction just as much. Where the hell are our support groups that you could attend so you could understand our situation, our therapy? Why are we left behind to remember everything?
I understand you’re trying to help, and it’s empathetic enough, as well as it being useful for others. But I don’t know, it just got to me. Like I’m a bit fed up of being told to empathise with the loved one, when so often that isn’t reciprocated for so many of us. This forum doesn’t feel like a safe space at all and I joined thinking it would be.
I would think the issue is that your aunt has Korsakoff, therefore they will very easily see her behaviour associated with alcohol rather than anything else, and again, this would be used to evade responsibility.
And I call BS on the SW will said your aunt is the most complex (also, why say that to you? That sounds like your aunt to blame, and therefore you’re partly to blame as you’re in the family, rather than they are bad at caring for you& her). Alcohol, self neglect and capacity issues are incredibly common. Unless they are brand new, then they are lying. I never get why they say complexity is a bad thing. What do you expect in SW? What’s “easy”? Why do you just want “easy” cases all the time?
I also wouldn’t let the NHS get off scot-free though, if she keeps getting admitted into hospital and they keep discharging her (or she may discharge herself?) Without a proper package of care and input from yourself then they’re failing you too.
It’s the lack of responsibility that is painful. They blame your aunt for being complex, they blame you for being stressed, and all the while they don’t have the competence or capacity to help, and they aren’t being honest to you about it.
I wish I could say “if you do x then y will happen” but unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. I worked in social care and know the system well, and I still got nowhere. I don’t wish to sound too negative, but focusing on collecting evidence, advocating for your aunt as best you can within your own ability (caring for someone with alcohol use disorder is TOUGH) with the hope of calling them out on some crap so they can do better is the best you can hope for.
I am quite vocal with my own story, and I’ve heard from other people face similar issues with SW/NHS when it comes to family addiction, from all walks of life. You are certainly not alone in this, I can promise you that.
It is not you that’s failing or doing the wrong thing.
Hospital visits are never fun, I’m sorry as well you are witnessing suicidal behaviour, it can be very distressing when a loved one does it. And I just wish a medical professional saw this and offered to help you.
I do hope you’re doing ok in this, and I’m glad my words offered some sort of comfort during this very discomforting time. Best of luck with the court of protection!
Take care
<p style=”text-align: center;”></p>Hey,
I related a lot to this. I had very similar experiences with my mum, only she never even got to the point of getting care, as she kept refusing it, with social services saying it’s a “lifestyle choice” as the reason to do literally nothing.
I would record any conversation you have with social services. Seriously. It is appalling that they told you to go and get drunk as an outlet to stress when you are caring for someone with Korsakoff. Utterly bizarre, and cognitive dissonance at its finest.
The reason why I suggest this is because it is likely that you will need to put in a complaint about their overall conduct throughout your time as a carer and you need evidence of their incompetence. Self neglect in social services is a HUGE no go for workers. They will use it to evade responsibility, this is partially because they don’t have much support in escalating concerns. If people have “capacity” to slowly and painfully kill themselves through addiction, SW will use it. It is likely that this is why they keep repeating assessments.
Self neglect in older adults is also a sign of suicidal behaviour. You could bring this up to social work, as it may prompt them to do more. If not, you have evidence that you’re concerned about her self neglect and that they chose to do nothing. https://www.iriss.org.uk/resources/insights/suicide-thoughts-and-behaviour-later-life
I’m not sure if it’ll be the same with you, but when I looked at my mum’s council’s adult safeguarding reviews, that they publish online, alcohol, older age, ignoring family members and self neglect are repeated failures that they do not seem to learn from. I would check yours to see if this is the case.
Overall, they shouldn’t be using “alcoholic” language. They’re professionals and would’ve been told to adopt “alcohol disorder/ alcohol use disorder”. They have a duty of care to help your aunt, and failing that, help you. “What do you want us to do?” How about “try?” They are failing in their duty of care because your aunt is probably seen as difficult, and the capacity system is set up for things such as severe mental disorders and dementia, not really addiction. You deserve better. Your aunt deserves better.
And I totally believe you that your aunt makes stuff up to make them go away. My mum did this and I was never believed. But I believe you. What a terrible day you’ve had, and I’m sorry this is happening to you. But you’re doing the right thing in trying to be the best support you can, even though it is incredibly difficult sometimes.