[thisdevotedheart]

Hello, I hope you are well! Here’s an update:

1. She asked me what getting help would be like. Meaning how do they help people during withdrawal from medication. She brought it up out of the blue. I think that’s a positive step, even though it does not necessarily mean she’s ready to get help. It’s better than nothing.

2. She also mentioned either seeing her doctor or trying to get a new one. She wants to see if she can get a zoom appointment. A zoom appointment would be nice because she is less likely to miss it. I’m going to make sure she makes an appointment, and ill encourage her to attend the meeting.

Thank you for allowing me to vent. I honestly found it helpful. I thought I’d be venting into a void.

[thisdevotedheart]

I am okay. She was off them for about three days after my first post. The person she gets them from “found” a few more to sell after she was off them for a few days. She only gave her a few. I think she ran out again either yesterday or today. She was being lovely yesterday. Today I woke up to her screaming about me. She sounded like she hates me. I assume she ran out because she only treats me this way without it. She said she wants to run away or die which is usual for days like this.

[thisdevotedheart]

I might try what you explained. I need to work up the courage to do it. She has already started to withdrawal today and will not have any more pills until the 7th. Maybe I’ll try and start to write down everything I notice about the condition she is in in the next five days since today is almost over where I’m at. Yes, I do question how I feel the need to protect my mom and if it’s even helpful. It certainly doesn’t seem to be improving the situation. Thank you so much for your advice. I’m going to pray about it and try and work up the courage.

[thisdevotedheart]

She was on some other form of Medicaid, and a few years ago, they started switching her doctor every year. Same with my grandmother. The doctors are usually new doctors who haven’t been practicing for long. My mom explained to one of her previous doctors how the dose was lowered. She offered no help in this situation. I went to that appointment with my mom to explain what I see happening during my mom’s good times and bad times. The lady just came off very cold. When my mom got pregnant (I believe I was 19), she switched to another Medicaid form. This allowed her to pick a doctor that accepted that insurance rather than it being a random new doctor. She chose the doctor she did because the doctor could also serve as a doctor for my baby sister. My mom was pregnant at this point, and she had still been taking what medicine she had left. This doctor wouldn’t prescribe her it, and for the rest of her pregnancy, she struggled terribly. I’m thankful my little sister is healthy and okay even though my mom took the medication for a part of her pregnancy. I wish I knew the exact reason why the dose was reduced the first time. Maybe it’s because she’s been on it for nearly a decade, and they didn’t want her on it anymore. Perhaps it’s because they thought she was some “junkie.” Maybe there was another reason I’m not thinking of. I do know that my mom has a long medical history of heart issues and mental health issues.

I know the doctors had access to her medical history. After my sister was born, my mom was recommended a nurse-practitioner. She became a patient at the practice, and the woman was very compassionate and listened to the whole story. She continued prescribing the beta-blocker and some other medications but not the clonazepam. She first wanted to see if there were coping mechanisms we could try for her first. I can’t remember the tools she suggested, but whatever they were didn’t seem to help. My mom asked for a referral to a psychiatrist because that’s the only way she can see one, and she never got the referral (not sure why – I wish she would try and find out). Since then, my mom has been unmotivated to see her care-provider more than just one or two times. I try and remind her about how she should go to see her care-provider so they can build a relationship with her over time to help her. At the beginning of her journey of seeing doctors for help, she seemed motivated, but for the past 1 1/2, that motivation has tanked, never to resurface again.

My mom has a lot of lower back pain, and she’s always asking me to crack her back. I do my best, but I’m not a chiropractor and refuse to crack her back in any dangerous way. My mom talked about how badly she wanted to go to a chiropractor. I surprised her with an appointment with one of the best chiropractors in town. This chiropractor accepted cash, and his prices were transparent. I got the money out of the ATM. I let her know about the appointment a few days prior. I made sure she wasn’t busy, and I was going to be home with the kiddos. She seemed excited but ended up not wanting to go and was very angry that day. I bring this up because it looks like she denies all help, no matter the situation. Maybe it’s because she is so depressed and has a lot of self-hatred no matter how much she is told she is loved and appreciated.

She hasn’t told her most recent care provider that she’s taking clonazepam whenever she can get it. I wish I could tell her care provider because it would give her a better picture of my mom and her situation. I don’t think I could go behind my mom’s back and tell her care provider that she gets clonazepam from somebody whenever she can. I fear that she would get in trouble if they knew.

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