[tj]

I have just read your story and l can 100% relate to it. I have spent 13 years (2.5 married) with a cocaine addict (the first time l have written it down). I knew when we met that he used drugs, but never knew the extent of the problem, although it has got worse over the years. Perhaps foolishly l thought l would be able to change him or that our love for each other would conquer all!? How wrong could l have been? I dont want to appear negative and l can only talk about my own experiences and of course everyone is different but you may be able to get something from it? Over many years, my now husband has borrowed money from me with the promise he would pay it back ….. never has! My mum bailed him out with a huge amount of money and he still hasnt paid that back in full. He went bankrupt 5 years ago and sought drug treatment and l hoped that would be the thing to change him but still to no avail. Like most people we have been through quite a lot and he has been a rock to me over the past 2 years since my mum got diagnosed with terminal cancer and since her death last year. However he has often not paid the bills towards our house and there were always excuses, and this all came to a head in the last few weeks/months. A few months ago my dad helped me out to pay some debt off (mostly accrued due to my husband) so l started saving but 3 weeks ago my husband hadnt paid the direct debit for bills. I searched around and finally pinned him down – he is thousands of pounds in debt to various payday loans etc. and dealers. Yet again l helped him out and am so desperate to help him become the man l know he is!!! However l have spent so many years putting my life on hold, helping him out, missing out on, or paying for holidays just so we could go away, not having children (ivf failed) and we cant afford more due to his addiction, paying all the bills – the list goes on! At some point l have to start putting myself first and living the life l want. I guess what l am trying to say is that it is so hard to walk away (have tried many times over the years) and l love him dearly and l am sure in his own way he loves me too. However l am not sure now whether the heartache is worth the pain l feel on a daily basis for all he has put us through. I have become resentful and blame him for all that l havent got/wont have and this makes our relationship that much harder to deal with. People tell me to walk away and make a new life (l am 41 now so not old) but l thought my life was going to be with him and when l said my vows l meant them so its a difficult decision. My advice would be to be honest with yourself – do you want a life where you may never come first above drugs? do you want to never have money or forever be spending it on bailing someone out? Are you happy with your life? Do you feel you could do better and/or deserve better?

One thing l have learnt in the last week or so is that by lending money, bailing loved ones out you are only fueling their addiction and they are unlikely to really appreciate it. It does not help them as they will always feel as if there is an endless supply of funds and they will not learn how to deal with things themselves.

My husband has recently admitted to me that he is totally selfish when doing what he does and doesnt think of me or the consequences …. therefore until someone is ready to admit what they are and seek help nothig we can do will help them.

I hope this has been of some help and please dont think l am judging you – l couldnt possibly do that as have been (and still am) where you are.

Good luck x x

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