[Lmnop]

Hi James,

I hope you’re well. I resonate so much with a lot of what you’ve said, but as the addicts partner. I’ve been with my partner for almost 10 years now since I was 18 and we have a 5 year old child together.

Around a month ago I found out he has been using ‘every couple of days’. He’d never been a big drinker or even went out a lot. There was a lot of stuff that lead to this I think (mental health and I think some childhood trauma etc). But anyway there were a few times I’d found empty bags etc. He lied to me for months (around 6) I questioned him time and time again if he had an issue. But obviously the answer was no.

Was multiple times and last time was only a week ago that he will stay out in the car all night long sniffing shit and won’t come home until the next day. (He also avoided me as much as he possibly could for all those months when I didn’t know). Anyway it all came to a head when he had drug induced psychosis, hearing voices seeing things. And he eventually admitted it to me around a month ago. He’s still getting these, thinks im in the house when I’m not etc.

he went to his first CA meeting last Monday, felt super positive. Then he had a day off on the Thursday and I was at work, and he did coke again in the middle of the day. Hasn’t been to another since. Said he wants to but I just feel like I’m not getting anything from him.

I was so so in love with him and I still am don’t get me wrong, just not this version of him. I feel like I’m treading on egg shells constantly trying not to upset him or cause an argument. He’s a shell of himself. He had a week not on it and I felt like I was getting him back and then its just the same thing over and over. I feel like I’m living with a stranger. I’m such a happy go lucky person. I feel like what if nothing ever changes? I don’t even know why im posting on here really or even if im trying to ask anything.

I feel like I’m trying to hold everything together for everyone. Our son especially. And im losing myself in the process. Im terrified he’s going to do it and die or kill himself after using. Also scared to say enough is enough I can’t do this until you sort yourself out as he’s not told any of his family, he has no where else to go im terrified he’d end up on the streets even worse.

I want to be with him, just not this version. But has too much been done, will I never get him back? I don’t even know. As someone who’s never touched a drug in their life and doesn’t even really drink, I just don’t get why we aren’t enough for him to stop.

Thanks so much for listening x

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