[trainer28]

I’m sorry to hear this. Hopefully with having been able to stay sober for a while she’ll be able to do it again. I have heard that relapses do happen but I believe they must be a learning curve for the addict?

I hope your sister can get the support she needs to try again

[trainer28]

The lostone, that is amazing and I totally agree with everything you say. Well done

[trainer28]

Hox, I am so pleased that there has been a happy ending for your sister and her family. I do believe it can happen

[trainer28]

I unfortunately have no advice for you sorry but I didn’t want to read and run.

It sounds like you could do with some support, I hope venting on here has helped a little at least.

Take care

[trainer28]

Dellboy, You sound like an absolutely lovely person and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether, not wanting to go home from work so maybe you have already made your decision about staying or leaving? Your children might have more quality time with you if you actually have somewhere you want to return to at the end of the day.

I am really pleased that you’ve been able to get this off your chest on here because it sounds like you are carrying a massive burden and a lot of confusion, that would make anyone feel overwhelmed. When I get thoughts of ending it all, I try to remember that I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live in this pain anymore.

As a child of divorced parents, I can tell you it is not always a terrible thing, it has brought me many blessings, as well as a bit of pain, I have half siblings who I love greatly. My Mum passed away in her late 40’s unfortunately and that pain is unbearable and will never leave me. Please use the Samaritans number should you need it.

If you need a counsellor to speak to, look up ‘Icarus’ online, they respond quickly and you can converse by telephone.

I can feel and understand your desperation. Sending best wishes for whatever you decide to do.

[trainer28]

Thank you.

It sounds like your in a catch 22, as am I. I wasn’t prepared to leave without trying so decided subconsciously to live my own separate life and only realised recently I have been doing this for a while, I work, have hobbies and visit family and friends away from him. All this keeps me sane whilst we maintain a ‘family unit’ however, I do know this could only be kept up whilst there was the hope that he might get help at some point.

For me, him going to rehab is a turning point as I will know that my children have a healthy Dad who is willing to try to help himself. I will not know if the trust has gone or if I can let go of the anger until we are through the other side. Even then, I know he will need ongoing support and strength to get through life clean and sober.

I am sorry to hear you’ve got to the point where the trust has gone but it is understandable if you have asked her to be honest but she refuses to be, I am starting to think that is part of the ‘disease’ though.

As for the intimacy and cuddles and the lack of engaging conversation, that is a lonely place to be so I suppose you might come to the conclusion that you are already both living separate lives but in the same house?

I would encourage you to contact an alcohol service in your area and maybe ask for advice before speaking to your wife about it. If you can, go back to the GP with her and try again.

It sounds like you are being very gentle and trying to communicate but from her point of view, to play devils advocate, maybe she has got herself into a situation that she feels ashamed of so she is closing off from you because she already knows the truth and doesn’t want to face it. Maybe she wants help but doesn’t know how or when to ask for it. A GP visit with some honesty once you get in there might be a wake up call?

I understand how confusing and bleak it can feel but it can all start moving into a more positive light with just that first small step

[trainer28]

Can I also add that after feeling very bleak at times, I have posted today about my partner agreeing to going to a rehab facility soon so there is hope for you and your family. That is a massive step up from where he was this time last year.

He has been attending a local drugs and alcohol service since last year and it has helped (obviously he had to agree to this)

If you’ve got spare money, as you imply, maybe your wife could get better treatment and eventually a good rehab?

Also, I don’t think it sounds like you’re exaggerating as hiding alcohol in a child’s room or in a water bottle is not the behaviour of a ‘normal drinker’

[trainer28]

Reading this nearly brought me to tears, you sound like you’re in a very difficult situation and I have been in a similar situation (partly alcohol but mainly drugs) for about 3 years so I can completely sympathise.

It has taken a lot of strength and pain to stay in this situation for me but I have done it because I knew if we split up that the children would see him regularly and that worried me as I’ve done the same as you and made sure he’s not been under the influence when driving them around etc..

Can I ask what aspect of the situation makes you want to leave? It’s a genuine question, is it the loss of connection with your wife? Or the arguments?

[trainer28]

Hi, thanks for your reply, I didn’t see your original post but have just read it now. It makes so much sense to me because I also have a certain amount of anger and bitterness and it comes and goes depending on what’s going on.

It’s so confusing when you see the man you fell in love with as he was again but then alcohol or other substances take over.

I can also relate to the fact that you don’t want to tell him the truth about how you’re really feeling whilst he’s in rehab. My partner actually said that I’ll finish it anyway even if he does get clean but I told him not to think about us and our relationship but to think about him being healthy and recovering no matter what happens afterwards, I hope that’s the right thing to do!

Maybe you could live apart when he gets out so he can take responsibility for himself but remain married and have some kind of relationship? It may force him to live an alcohol free life, who knows.

Thanks for the advice about staying positive, you are right, we’ve got to have hope right?!

[trainer28]

The thing is my husband did give up drinking without being told to, he just decided it would be for the best because he had started a drug treatment. We were at the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore and he knew he was the worst he’d ever been.

He pulled it back and attends meetings and seems to want to carry on. It’s the replacement therapy he’s on plus the painkiller for his back which sometimes make him appear high which is hard to handle, it’s painful seeing him like that but he doesn’t understand that.

I hope things are better for you now and in the future, it really is an awful position that he’s put you in and I can empathise with the pain, frustration and sadness that comes with it .

[trainer28]

Thank you for your advice, I’m sorry to hear about your relationship, are you still with your husband?

There has definitely been damage done to ours over the last few years and I have wanted to leave but he’s made massive changes over the last 6 months so I’m holding on for a bit longer.

He has done what you said with his friends, they all know that he drinks coffee or juice when they meet up so that’s really helped him keep a bit of a social life but even though his family know he doesn’t drink, they’re not the type to discuss things openly, everything is always such a secret which makes this harder for him.

I’m trying to keep him busy and we’re drinking a lot of hot drinks! Fingers crossed it will be ok, it has been easier today.

Thanks again for your honest advice

[trainer28]

I could try that, thanks for your reply. It feels very lonely. I had a bit more of a response from his brother last night which is good, it opens up the chance for a conversation without feeling like I’m putting a downer of everyone’s holiday!

[trainer28]

Yes ring the police

[trainer28]

This very much sounds like abuse whether he is an addict or not, he shouldn’t be treating you like this. You need to get help and support.

Can you get to the doctors?

[trainer28]

I’m sorry to read what you are both going through at such a young age, this would be so difficult for an adult to deal with and it sounds like you are mature and want better for you and your sister so that’s already an amazing positive step.

Neither of you have to be alone in this. You should definitely seek out support for you and your sister from a drugs and alcohol service. There will be supportive adults there who can point you in the right direction and give you some practical advice.

It’s hard to deal with at the moment but in years to come this will make you the best parent because of the mistakes they have made and are making.

All the best

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