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scary when you start to read things etc its like a mirror. More and more people, friends and his family are finding out, I can’t protect or hide it now. An incident occurred the other day, what should of been a nice chilled out day for us just descended into major chaos. I think it was because he didn’t want to do it? So it was like he was trying to find the smallest thing for me to slip up so he could take his frustration out on me. Literally it was just advising him to watch out for something, and it was a full blown verbal attack. Going at high speed in a car and it was frightening, I got in such a state it felt like my mind kicked into some kind of adrenaline mode,It was the most awful feeling I have ever had. No one has ever reduced me to something like that. After we got back home, he was telling me I just needed to calm down, he dropped me off and he went off.

I was a wreck, uncontrollable crying. Again why have I been made to feel the bad person, why have I again tipped him over the edge

I have not been able to eat properly since it has happened, I feel my emotions are completely shut off and people are worrying over me. I feel guilty for talking about the situation but some people found out…. I am worrying and feeling guilty for opening up.

I did have a chat about the situation and it was almost I wasn’t being listened to? so frustrating. I can see why some people go out to the shops and never come back again……

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Ha yes with keep running back into a burning building. Like me you have found out getting upset, health talks, shouting and ultimatums just don’t work. I don’t get angry anymore at all. Disappointed yes.

Whilst he is doing his own thing, think of you and go and enjoy yourself.

Keep us updated x

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Well I can tell you this… if this is just a year in for it… most likely it will get worse before it gets better.

Whilst you are in the early stages as hard it’s going to be…take a step back. I have been with mine for 13 years. The cocaine habit is now five – six years in, only in the last year it’s taken a real serious nose dive, not just me but family members are now feeling it. I tried for so long to keep it from them. One day he admitted the problem to his Dad, I really thought it was at the turning point… sadly it wasn’t.

We are all feeling emotionally drained and stressed from it all.

I think you can reach out to support him but I would personally do it as a friend. He can either go two ways… sink further but he’s not hurting you… or he can realise what he had, and give him a goal to work at.

When my partner went away I saw something pop up on social media by pure chance but couldn’t believe how much it touched a nerve. It read- when your heart is breaking for someone who is broken, but your words can’t reach them and your love can’t save them, ask the angels to go where you cannot. To whisper into their heart what their ears can’t hear. We will not give up on you don’t give up on yourself.

Usually I eye roll at those type of things… but it made so much sense.

So hard when it’s painful to keep in a situation like this, but also painful to just walk away

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Hi the lostone,

I am in a similar position to you, partner with a cocaine and drink problem. I can relate to some of your points.. specially some of the vile verbal abuse.

I think you have made the big leap already, I think you know deep down you know the answer. Don’t feel guilty, that’s what I am starting to learn. Specially you confronting dealers etc, you could put yourself in big danger.

I am trying my best now to battle and ride this storm out… it’s not easy at all. Hence why I have come here to hear people’s experiences etc. One thing I have learnt for sure is that I am doing enough… I felt guilty that I was missing a trick and it was my fault. I need to start listening to my gut feeling. My gut feeling is usually right!

I dread to think how much monies he has lined the pockets of a drug dealer for…. shame they realise they don’t get any thanks for it! These people don’t care what they have to lose, I think it gives them power to bring people to their knees.

I am not sure what stage you are at in the relationship? Early.. or quite advanced?

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Gee Hox sounds like you really are having a rough ride 🙁 We live in a small town just funny that I know what some people are up to, but they don’t know that I know.

I guess their occasional use of it it’s not a problem to them…. but my god if they knew the destruction that can possibly happen…

When I used to hear about drug dealers getting done, I didn’t really pay any attention. Now when I hear they have been punished I think good thank god, it might just spare one family of heartache. Shame addicts can’t see the lavish lifestyles they are giving to these dealers. There was one is the news recently he had the best designer clothes, top of the range car, 30k watch on his wrist and a place overseas… do you think he spares a thought of his potential actions? No.. does he care no.

So glad he has now lost everything and I hope he has a crap time behind bars.

I will again have to find the right moment and speak to him about things, getting a plan in place, or he tells me what he thinks will help him get out of this horrible hole.

Thanks to you guys replying and putting things into perspective. It really is helping out no end. Someone was trying to dig today to find out more about my situation… she doesn’t quite get it? She said well if they choose drugs they are choosing to die… I said it’s not as easy as that as it’s a disease, I got a frowned expression.

I was worried about branching out for help, specially after a couple of phone calls it was like a door being slammed in my face…

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Thanks Hox, I need to hear the truth. But it suddenly dawned on me I am not getting any younger would I be happy with the same situation in a years time? The answer is no. Its now I am feeling it, its taking a toll on me. I am finding it hard putting on a smile and pretending everything is fine. I am thinking about it non stop. Its the unpredictable behaviour from sort of being happy to obnoxious vile person, its making me feel sick. I thought that sort of stuff happens when you are younger! I knew things were going to be tough but I never knew it was ever going to get as bad as this. He has had the perfect childhood, had whatever he wanted. I would of dreamed to have what he has had as a kid.

But when you are being told that I am not supportive enough or I am the reason he is in that position I am believing it. I always try and remember the good in what he has done, but he rarely credits me for helping him. When its more remembering the negatives because there has been no positives lately its really hard…..

Before when we have been out for a meal in the evening (been a long time since we have) , its rush rush because he thinks everyone is looking at him… but I have assured him no one is.

I can’t believe what a full blown problem it is in the UK, I know some people have that attitude why help someone when they brought it on themselves. If someone has had some bad luck, it only takes one sniff one drink and it starts to break the mechanisms in their mind.

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Early 30s, I did touch on the money wasting side of things. I said we could of saved a deposit for something… it’s I know I’m sorry. No children involved.

Danman83 what are realistic goals? I am not so sure..If I said let’s tackle this tomorrow and that’s it is that unreasonable? We have done let’s start in two weeks time etc, it always end flat..

He seems to be so money orientated, he isn’t happy unless he has money… he mentioned about needing money… but as I have said to him you need a healthier mind. I can’t see him making good decisions when his head is not in the right place?

I did again bring up about the doctors the other day, he said to me no you can just help me. I said no you can’t rely on me to fix this, I am broken as it is myself. He replied no you are fine I said no I am not. We didn’t argue it was a calm convo.

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Yes I think we all need to stand firm together as a family and when no mean no that’s it. He basically throws a massive tantrum and it’s a horrid outburst so he can obtain what he wants.. mainly money.

Like he’s not here at the moment.. just been told now he needs to sort things out for work… this is what it’s like everyday for me at the moment. Sat here by myself. I do take myself out here and there, but I know specially with my family they know something is up and I am trying hard to keep face. I know they would be horrified what he has done and what he has put people through. I don’t want them to give him a hard time etc.

With you Danman83 sounds like you are doing great work and it seems you really are trying to conquer it. Feel a tad jealous, hopefully your girlfriend will start to realise how well you are doing. Sometimes it takes time for trust to build back up again.

I don’t want to throw abuse or insults at him as I don’t want him to feel what’s the point anymore etc. But everytime we try and talk calmly, it ends up heated as he takes it the wrong way and makes it all my fault! I don’t like shouting and always try and talk. He goes in with all guns blazing which I then react to… then I back down.

He even said what harm is it doing anyone with him doing it! I think REALLY? His bad temper doesn’t just stop with me, it’s anyone really takes the brunt of it.

Once he did admit he couldn’t believe I was still standing by his side… his friends have basically gone and given up on him.

I really do believe in trying in everything and not walking away… but boy it’s been really testing me these last couple of months. I did get somewhere to grow veg etc hoping that would be a way of him escaping… but not really interested. I gave him bits to do to help take his mind of it. He’s done that and basically not interested anymore. I have tried a few times now oh did you want to see how the plants are doing etc… I get the response of not really no.

I will def have to watch these videos, anything that can help him and me understand. As I said to him before I would come along and get the help with him as it would make me understand things so much better…

It’s strange as not knowing a situation of an addict before, I would of been like throw him out selfish you know what.. but actually going through it’s not as easy as that!

Even for me it took a lot of courage to ring or to even message on here. So I can understand his fears of actually admitting to someone.. hence why I said I would help him make the phone call I.e together, offering support so he didn’t feel worried.

Once he gave me his bank card… but he screams and shouts I have to give it back to him.

I don’t smoke or do drugs, rarely I drink. But if it meant I had to give up drink to help him I would!

If you ever need support aswell from the other persons view I will try and help. Thank you so much so far for replies it means a lot

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Thank you guys for replying. Danman83 your comment made me cry, it really hit home. I have been told by a few people I am too nice… I really do try and see the good in people I love. but again sheer guilt and disappointment that I can’t fix him. Just so frustrating that I am constantly being told by him that I am not doing enough to support.. how can I branch and help him if he choses to hide from me? Yes uses everyday, odd minor day he won’t. The most he has gone is a week, but that was replaced with drink which was even worse unpredictable behaviour.. I don’t know what is street value is but few hundred quid would be gone in 3-4 days.

We have an outbuilding, and he is doing bits and bobs but I know that’s his hiding place to do it…

One time he came back from being off it for a few days, things were going ok, he said to pop in for a drink with me ( I rarely drink and happy to have coffee etc) and we met with friends (they are sensible and know what the situation is) I had to pop back to home to sort things out and left him with them. Few hours later sadly he drank way too much and it was the trigger. He went and got some cocaine and bingo the vicious circle is back. Our friends was concerned about his erratic negative behaviour that afternoon. They even phoned up the next day to check if he was ok. We spoke about it and I said what upset you? He said nothing as such but drink was the factor.

I have even thought about a week away somewhere, but concerns are the mood swings, or when we get back he will go straight back to it. I think breaks away would only be a temporary fix. If we as a family had thousands to put him through rehab we would. I even mentioned in the past about moving out to help (when it wasn’t as bad as it is now) … but that’s now on the back burner as he wouldn’t be finically dependable. Sadly mine wouldn’t be able to cover it all.

Danman83 can I ask you this, I don’t mind about people having a relapse in a few weeks or months time… but how do I know if he is really trying to stop? Like I don’t know if I am being fobbed off. I have even suggested about signing him up for the gym to give him a new focus… but met with yeah it’s a good idea… but nothing, I guess his self esteem is rock bottom.

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