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Is he getting any help or is he just trying to do it on his own?

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I think that three to four weeks clean is such a short time, your husband must be really suffering, but hopefully this will gradually get better. I cannot condone your husband’s awful behaviour towards you, but we always lash out at the ones closest to us at times. I agree that maybe saying that you will support him in his recovery but will not accept the abuse might help? You must be feeling so angry with him, because none of this is your fault, he is the addict.

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I have never been an addict but my brother has been a heroin addict for fifty years! My story is on here if you want to read it, and I know exactly what you are going through. You have done so well in your own recovery, please think about yourself and how strong you are to be rebuilding your life. Your boyfriend just isn’t ready to stop and there is nothing you can do about it, you have nothing to feel guilty for and it is awful watching someone you love slowly destroy themselves. Try and set boundaries with him so that you are not constantly worrying, easy to say, hard to do.

My brother has been as high as a kite and looked me in the eye and said he is clean, you know in your heart what he is doing, you don’t need drug tests to prove it.

I am not sure if this is a help, but just to show you that you are not alone, I am here.

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Hello Mum2sons, so sorry to hear about your son and what you are going through trying to support him, please know that most of us on this forum are going through or have gone through similar situations to you. You have to look after yourself first, easy to say, hard to do. Set your boundaries and try to keep to them. It is soul destroying watching someone you love just going down and down and hoping that they will realise that they have to stop whatever it is they are addicted to. However you can’t do it for him and making yourself ill with worry is not the answer, please try to look after yourself, marriage and job. I did this for fifty years with my brother and he is still an addict, I supported him financially, he lived with me and my family for many years over that time period and all I have done is take it all on my shoulders. I am trying really hard to stick to the advise that I have given you, but it is not easy.

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Good luck Ann1e, such a tough decision, but the right one. I have basically just done the same thing recently after years of supporting my brother, I am struggling and worrying but he is probably just carrying on as normal in his drug fuelled world

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You can’t manage it, he has to decide to stop. Please try and think of yourself and not try to save him. I think that if he has been taking cocaine for year, then he is an addict. Please post here when you need to, we are people here who have experience of living with an addict and hopefully can understand more about what you are going through

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Sorry to hear of your problems, keep going with your story, we are here because we have all experienced in different ways life with an addict in the family, and probably have more understanding than most of the things that you are facing

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I agree with Kulstar, you have done nothing wrong, he has chosen someone who will allow his addiction, and addicts will always choose the drug of choice over everything and everyone. I am also at a crossroads with my brother, I have set boundaries to look after myself but I am struggling to overcome the anger I feel having spent fifty years looking after somebody who is now really lost to me. You now have a chance to think about what you want for yourself and your daughter.

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I hope that your son takes the help that is offered, you have found a place where there are a lot of people who are going through similar things. Pease feel free to post here and we will understand.

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I worried for so long that my brother would die, he is now 66 and still going, but he looks so much older and painfully thin. I can’t help him anymore, so just have to look after myself, which is something that can take a long time to learn. I also expect a phone call one day. This is a great place to just pour it out if you need to

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Purpleheart, I am so glad that you are making the changes for yourself, you have not deserted him and you did love him, just not the drug addict part. I have discovered that they have to decide to get clean and mean it, not just trying to say what people want to hear. My brother went into rehab several times, I am sure they are good for some. but not for him, he always absconded and met a lot more addicts in there who became friends! To stop an addiction is not just about stopping the substance, that just leaves a big hole, they have to find something to replace it. With AA it is the twelve steps, I am not sure if it is similar for drug addicts? I hope that things improve for you and your children xx

Bella pop. feel for you so much, you probably know inside what you should do, just look after yourself. I discovered that I was not really helping my brother, just constantly bailing him out or rescuing him, when he had to learn to do it himself, and he never has. So I am still struggling with wether my helping him all these years actually did more harm than good because he has never learned to look after himself and feel proud of it.

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We are here for you

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It is now just over two years since my father died, cutting my brother out of his will and leaving his share to my other brother, because I would not say that I wouldn’t give it to him. Since then my brother who I have looked after for fifty years, has turned against me, because he thinks that somehow it is my fault, even though I have lost money not benefitted. I could not believe after all that we had been through together that he could just turn on me because of money, it broke my heart. I decided to take action, got in touch with AdFam and had six online counselling sessions. It was the best thing I ever did and I wish that I had known about it years ago. I have learned that I must separate myself from him and set boundaries for myself. This I have done and also I have realised that he doesn’t really care about me, only if I can help him or supply him with money. Now that I have stopped doing things for him, I have not seen him for over six months! He speaks to my other brother, who feels guilty and gives him money! It is early days and I am sure that if he hits a crisis I will be the one he calls, but I am ready to set those boundaries again and if necessary cut him off altogether. It is easy in hindsight to say ‘I shouldn’t have done this or that’ but I did all that I did because he is my brother and I love him. However, I will not let him walk all over me and my family again, I will think about myself first.

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Moving on, my brother continued to use drugs and had times where he managed to keep it all together and times when he didn’t. When he didn’t I would step in and help. he has lived with me, my husband and two children several times over the years. I want to mention one of these stays. I was living in rural Ireland and my children were small, when I got the usual phone call from my parents saying that my brother was in trouble, so I stepped in and said that instead of going to rehab he could come and stay with me. He arrived with a ‘friend’ and basically partied for a week, but then whatever he had, ran out and his ‘friend’ went back to the UK. My brother then went into full withdrawals, it was June and we had to keep a fire going at all times, he lay around groaning and looking terrible, and then I could hear him pacing around at night. However after a couple of months he was clean, for the first time in fifteen years. What I didn’t realise is that he needed something to replace it, so when he got his benefit once a fortnight, he would disappear for a couple of days until he had drunk all the money. I had the brilliant idea of taking him to see a commune of people that worshipped a guru, some of whom were ex addicts, but he wasn’t interested! After about a year he met someone and seemed to be happy and healthy and drinking had taken a back seat, she had to continue her studies in London, so they moved to the UK together. Two weeks later he was back into taking heroin and whatever else he could get his hands on and his partner never found out. She finished her studies and asked him to return to Ireland with her and he said no, I knew that always the drug comes first. Can you see the pattern now? He gets in trouble or out of control and I step in to rescue him, and I continued to do this for fifty years! The last part of my story is how I have disentangled myself from my brother and how great it feels.

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I just want to add something about the shame we as families feel when there is an addict in the family. After my youngest brother died, my parents didn’t want anyone to know how he had died, so I had to lie to friends and family and say that he died from a heart attack! So as well as the grief and guilt, we can add shame to the list. There is definitely a stigma to having an addict in the family,.. were they brought up badly? were they neglected ? Have you tried everything to help them?. In our family it just wasn’t talked about unless there was a crisis and boy, my youngest brother dying was a big crisis, my mother just completely fell apart and never recovered and for the first time ever I saw my father cry, but still nobody talked about the elephant in the room which was that my brother was still an addict and my youngest brothers death had just made him spiral down out of control.

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