[vmac123]

I think you’re right that he didn’t expect that I’d tell my mom. She had noticed how much he drinks and that he was always out herself but I’ve told her about his gambling and not paying the bills etc.

It’s just very strained at the minute. I think he is trying and whilst I’m glad, I’m also still angry that it’s taken this to get him to even take me seriously. I guess I’m resentful at having carried him for the last 3 years but then I should really be angry with myself since I did that.

I’m happy you have found some help. Was it an Al Anon meeting? I’m wondering if I should try something like that. It might help me to get some perspective.

[vmac123]

I have a feeling that it’s going to end up with me asking him to move back in with his parents… but then he’s not drunk since Sunday as far as I’m aware so maybe he is actually trying?

We’re still not really on speaking terms though and it’s clear that he’s very upset that my mom knows as he’s barely spoken to me since I told him that. He said she will think badly of him…

I just have no clue what he wants from me. I mean he’s said for months I should tell her so I had someone to talk to. I’ve told her and now he’s mad ????????‍♀️ I know that a lot of his behaviour is probably because he’s experiencing a withdrawal or come down from drinking but it is hurtful.

[vmac123]

So he didn’t attend the meeting because on Sunday he went out and got wasted again with his friends at the pub after football.

We’ve barely spoken since then. I’ve told my mom about how he drinks too much and doesn’t pay for the house. I feel better now.

We have spoken for me to tell him that it’s one more chance and then I’m done. I’m actually not hopeful that there will be change but I think I’m strong enough this time that if he doesn’t follow through, I can be strong enough to come true on my word and ask him to leave.

Anyone else at that point?

[vmac123]

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this. I also live with an addict who gambles and drinks. It is hard. I would say use these forums to build awareness of how to approach this – your situation seems more volatile than mine. I can’t tell you what to do because that’s not what this forum is for but I can offer to be a listening ear… In my case, I’ve told myself that mine has got until the end of August to show me change. If he can’t, then I’m going to ask him to leave because I’ve had 4 years of paying bills, being the sole responsible adult in the house and him lying etc. I can not commit to another 4. You need to do what is best for you.

[vmac123]

He’s agreed to attend an AA meeting! Last night he drank. I don’t know how much because I refused to engage in it. This morning he was late to work. I was ready to tell him to leave and he has said he will try AA. He’s looked and there is an online meeting Monday. I am prepared to give him this last chance because AA could mean progress.

[vmac123]

Hey sorry I didn’t respond before. That is positive news for you. I find that I get blamed a lot too. I’ve just been told he wants to get a beer tonight because he hasn’t had a drink since last Wednesday and he wants one. Fine. The problem is apparently that I don’t want him to drink full stop and I make him him hide his drinking. I think I may suggest we spend some time apart because as you say maybe it is us making him unhappy and making him drink ????????‍♀️ Or maybe it’s just him and this is broken

[vmac123]

I have his card. The desperate have other means of accessing money though – you don’t need a card to withdraw from the bank just ID apparently as that’s how he accessed money on his last splurge… He seems unable to get past the denial. He admits he’s an addict but he’s not “that bad because he doesn’t drink / gamble everyday) (his words)

[vmac123]

Yes that I should know better… that was last year. I was scared to issue an ultimatum and follow through because I feel like walking away shows I don’t care. I’m starting to see now that if he doesn’t meet my boundaries it isn’t showing I don’t love him if I walk away. It’s proving I don’t love myself when I stay.

[vmac123]

I see. Well that’s the other thing – he seems to be not drinking but never actually goes to meetings etc. I paid for a counsellor before (he went for a few weeks then just spent the money on gambling / drinking) and he went to GA for a while… he says neither helped him because it was just talking. I’m not sure what he expects like if he thinks there is some magical cure. He says I don’t get it because I’m not an addict – perhaps he is right about that ????????‍♀️

[vmac123]

Well no. My problem is that I can’t seem to make myself stop thinking he is. I know that he’s trying and I know he’s not always drinking or gambling but after so long where he was my brain can’t seem to let go of that belief

[vmac123]

I think. So I shouldn’t ask him if he’s drinking / gambling but just look for ways for him to show me he isn’t?

[vmac123]

It’s been another week of him drinking and gambling behind my back. I gave him an ultimatum last Thursday. No more drinking or no more us. He said he wants to be together. Then we had a chat in person and he said he can only help himself… it’s obviously been a few days and whilst I can’t say he’s drinking or gambling, I also can’t trust that he hasn’t. Is is possible to rebuild trust? I mean I find that no matter what he says to me, I am constantly suspicious and I don’t like feeling this way

[vmac123]

I think today is a no go. He’s clearly already been drinking when he got home so he’s in his “I don’t have a problem any more than X” mood and saying that he just wants to be able to have a drink when he wants and not be nagged.

I think I’m going to ask him to go and stay at his parents for a few days tomorrow. Even though I’m frightened and sad, I know I can’t keep living like this. It doesn’t have to be permanent but I think space will do everyone some good.

At what point did you realise you wanted to be sober?

[vmac123]

I think it will be a mutual thing as he’s contacted me today saying we need to talk to sort our differences or go our separate ways… the differences being that I don’t want him to drink (at least until his liver is better) and he obviously does.

In your experience, do couples survive this sort of problem or does it always come between them? I think I’m looking for some hope that I’m not sure exists

[vmac123]

Thank you for replying.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I do love him but I’m not sure I can keep doing this over and over again – especially now I know it’s impacting his health.

He’s tried really hard to sort his money out lately but his drinking is so erratic still. Saturday he was out for 12 hours then he was out last night again for 6… I hate to think of how it’s affecting his liver.

I think that we may be headed for a break. Perhaps if he stayed with his parents for a few days / weeks, it might help to clear the air?

I’m just sad because I love him and don’t want to break up deep down but this isn’t how life should be.

He does have an addiction but, whilst he sometimes admits this, he sometimes doesn’t because he’s not as bad as someone else… I feel like he makes excuses to keep drinking when if you have a liver problem, it’s recommended to abstain.

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