[whitefeather7]

Thank you so much for your reply James. I really appreciate your insight into it, especially as it sounds like you can (or could) relate to what he does with doing it alone.. you say you’re 30 now? What made you want to stop? I know quite alot of people who got to that point where they thought, there is more to life than this feeling (especially the recovery as you get older) and they want to stop… but hes now 36 and he seems to want to continue this forever. I have so many worries and concerns for the future and my worry would be that it just wont stop, ever. Like you suggested, I have tried compromise.. as i mentioned, i have a child so I dont get alot of free time.. (one weeknight without my child and a night at the weekend) i first asked him to stop doing it around me.. our free time together is precious so to me it was slightly offensive that he wanted to sit up all night taking cocaine (different wavelengths, not quality time). Although this seems minor and perhaps even petty, as i’m in my 30s now i feel like that wasn’t a big ask. Since then he has made promises and slipped back into doing it anyway which has resulted in me leaving his house a few times to get away from that atmosphere (he just continues on the coke). He has also ruined a few special occasions because of it. He sat up all night taking cocaine the night before my neices christening (he didnt make it as he was still off his face when i was getting ready for the church), and our anniversary we went to a hotel, and knowing my issue with it, he brought cocaine. I was trying to sleep but he was sitting in the room taking cocaine… these are just a couple of events..and fairly recent.. the arguing results in him calling me controlling which is unfair because honestly, if it was just when he was out with his friends, i would have no issue with him socialising. I wish he would be more sociable. When hes with his friends, he actually tends to leave the social gathering so that he can go home and take cocaine by himself.. he already has damaged the septum in his nose and i can see that it’s affecting his health (constant colds, stys in his eyes etc). Is it that i have just grown up quicker? I didnt care about those things as a teen but now im 32, and hes 36. It’s not a sociable, recreational thing…like i mentioned before i dont see how it could even be enjoyable. it makes him overthink, causes him to be paranoid and he is irritable and and in a bad mood the next day. we aren’t speaking at the moment because he says i am impossible to please and its not like he “takes it every day”. Sorry i feel like i’m going on and on.. it’s nice to be able to speak to somebody so honestly about this because i can’t speak to friends or family

[whitefeather7]

Hi James,

Thank you so much for your reply.

You see, i used to dabble in it myself as a teen and early 20’s so i actually can relate to it more than a person who has never touched it, so i think my frustration is fearing he will never “grow out of it”. I’m 32 now, i have a child (previous relationship) so for me, cutting it out was a no brainer.

He has a 14 year old from a previous relationship but only has him over night once a week so the level of responsibility he has as a parent wouldn’t be like mine..

He does have a job, and a great relationship with his son so like you said, if the cocaine isn’t causing “problems” with those two things, he doesn’t see it as a “problem”.

His circle of friends do the same thing. A drink will always involve cocaine. However, they seem to be able to stop when the social gathering is over, go home, go to bed, continue normal life the next day. Although i don’t condone what they do either (also parents), my main problem is that my boyfriend would rather sit by himself and take cocaine all night alone. There is no off switch. He will take it untill the bag is done. Alone until 7am/8am. I don’t see how this can even be fun? Like i said, i understand “recreational” drug use from my youth…

He is a lovely person. He treats me so well. When he is sober, he is a caring, generous and respectful man. But when i challenge him about this particular aspect of our relationship, he will say he doesn’t understand why it bothers me.. my concern is that I don’t know how we could ever live together (my child lives with me full time) if he does that on a weekly basis. He prefers to do it in his house alone and not socially.. how could i ever be ok with that happening in OUR home with children living there? He thinks i over think and worry too much… but i think they are legitimate concerns looking forward.. even when we socialise (dinner and drinks) , he cant seem to just have a few drinks and call it quits… drink leads to cocaine.. i had hoped this would be something he would grow out of. It doesn’t look like that will happen.. he has openly said that he wants a future with me (marriage, buying a house together, potentially another baby together) but i don’t see any of that happening while he still has this habit. And yes he is open about the cocaine, but i have also been open about the fact i don’t see our future together while he has this habit.. we go round in circles with it. Sometimes i feel that the only thing i can do is walk away… we argue and then make up 24 hours later. So if i stay, he will think i will accept it eventually and nothing has to change?

[whitefeather7]

Hi Debc, thank you for your reply.

He drinks at the weekend, normally just one night but like i said, that turns into ALL night..until 7/8am…and like you said, the two go hand in hand… (for him). I can have a glass of wine or 2 with dinner and go to bed. He seems to be party mode or nothing. What really bothers me is that he doesnt seem to even want company. It’s alone, all night taking coke by himself. I just don’t understand it.. i appreciate you being harsh so please don’t apologise. I need another opinion on the situation as i can’t talk to friends or family. They have no idea. He was worse during lockdown (sometimes 3 or 4 nights a week). So he thinks because he has cut down, this is totally fine.. and often blames me for starting an argument if i bring it up

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