[worried86]

Hi,

thank you for being there for me.
sound like you are an amazingly strong lady.
doesn’t it just crush you to see them doing this to themselves when they think they haven’t changed.
your detective comment rang so true – spend hours wondering what the truth is, searching for answers or clues? Until you know the truth it drives you mad, he says I’m crazy and I feel it, checking, questioning, waiting, anxiety, paranoia have I don’t that to myself or has he???

I had a whole wkend panicking when he said he had his son another night so wasn’t coming over – I thought it was a lie and it wasn’t until I spoke to his mum next day I found out it was the truth – then I felt absolutely crazy!!
He has even said it’s like being with a detective.
but you become like that after you find out the lies told to hide the truth, doubt everything.
he said he hid it because he was ashamed n didn’t want to lose me.
I put everything on hold, spent all my time trying to be with him, lost myself trying to help him see how amazing he is to me.

he always says it isn’t because he doesn’t love me. Which I took a long time to understand because how could he do it knowing it was wrong but after seeing comments on here I understand he’s not in control of that addiction side.
so the ‘space’ he asked for was because he’s lost himself, I’ve smothered him, brainwashed him by telling him he loves me and I love him and that I’ve pushed him away with clingy neediness.
I agree with you I think the pressure of guilt he feels when he sees me has caused him to become distant because he thinks I’m judging/pitying him which made me push harder to show him he’s loved n wanted (thinking that would help him not turn to the coke) so he’s had a form of shut off because he can’t cope.
I have caved and sent a few messages Sunday telling him I was sorry for smothering and nagging him when he went, not understanding that it didn’t help his situation.
I just lie hear hoping to hear his car, I want to handle things so differently more understanding n sensitivity.

His actions and little things he says (just love me) (he doesn’t want to do it) (he feels the pull even when people talk about it)  are quietly screaming out for help but he won’t reach for it.
But it’s ripping me apart not hearing from him. Everything says give him space and he will come back.
from scouring the internet it appears I have also developed a codependency from spending so much time focusing on trying to help him, his moods, when he was going to disappear.
my friends say to get rid but I still see the amazing man I fell in love with odd days between the sleeping it off, the withdrawal days, the snappy anxious lethargic days.
I have been so worried I really have caused this ‘space’ by my actions of trying to love him, help and then my anxiety and distrust hovering round him like a fly on s**t.
I wish I was mentally stronger to get on with things, I can’t eat, sleep, focus on anything else I’ve read every bit of google on ‘space in a relationship’ then I try and mentally cross reference with him as the person I love and his addiction it’s literally killing me. ????
The support on this site is amazing and although it’s not nice we are in these situations it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone or imagining things.

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