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To be honest I’m managing to pull away.

His alcohol and coke use seems to be getting worse in terms of an increase in the number of days he’s drinking (which leads to coke obviously) and he went to a casino in London this week and said he lost £4,000.

What I struggle with is how much he says he hates himself and I feel sorry for him – he has zero friends either

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I’m really sorry to hear about your situation, waiting for housing is no joke. I have to agree with you that dispite mine saying he doesn’t use every day and he still runs a business (which to be fair just involves laying in bed replying to emails) a 20 year cocaine use must have a massive impact on his brain, how it functions and deals with emotions.

He seems very aggitated when he doesn’t get his own way and is putting intense pressure on me to move him into my new home. My parents and friends would be mortified as they know he uses every weekend. He’s saying to me that I need to give him a chance and that he needs stablility to make changes……I feel incredibly guilty for not wanting him to move in but I’ve only ever experienced stable relationships and at 50 yrs old I don’t want this to be may life story

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I think the issue with this man (I’m loathe to use the word partner anymore) is he refuses to get any help as doesn’t see doing coke once a week (it’s rarely only once a week) an issue. I have told him time after time that it’s how it impacts his personality and that it’s lead to gambling and an inability to be financially stable. He’s paying on average £320 per week on coke and hotel accommodation as he doesn’t take it while at his parents.

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Thanks Stephie86. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s said he’ll stop then blames me for not providing him with stability – I refuse to let him live with me as when I have before he’s just done coke in the house and he thinks we should be living together for the recovery to work.

I don’t know if you’ve experienced this but his behavour can be quite erratic, nasty at times (he’s called me a c**t a few times) and he has to go the pub a couple of times a week – usually the morning after taking coke too which leads to a full day of drinking.

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I forgot to ask Lookingforhope – how is your partner doing now?

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Sorry Lindyloo, I missed your reply. He’s been doing it for about 20 yrs. I’ve known him for less than a year so he’s an old hand at this. He keeps saying he needs stability and for us to live together for him to quit.

I want him to quit BEFORE we live together – am I being harsh?

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Thanks Lookingforhope

That has been useful and I have had discussions with him about stopping – he’s not been able to. He even seems to be buying a higher quantity from his dealer (moved from a gram to an 8th of an Oz).

I’ve mentioned this forum and getting professional help but he won’t do it. He just says everyone does it and he can do his job (he’s self employed and very much makes up his own hours) so isn’t an addict

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Just bumping this up in the hope someone can give their take on this

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Best of luck Lozza x

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Hi Lozza

This must be really hard for you, especially as you equated your husbands sobriety with such potential happiness for your lives. There may be something deeper going on here that the alcohol was masking/numbing. Is it an option to try couple counselling with Relate? Does he get support from a sponsor at AA? Even though he’s been sober for 4 yrs AA is still there as a support system – just a thought.

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Hi there Boo

I can relate to this.

My partner of 7 mths has never hidden his coke use from me (really should’ve walked away early on) and has said some really nasty things to me when he’s been either high or on a come down the day after – to be fair he’s worse on the come down.

I’ve had a few long-term relationships but NEVER experienced anything like this before. He’s been taking coke for 20 yrs (he’s 40) so not sure if he’ll ever stop to be fair.

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I can recommend reading some articles by a therpist called Darlene Lancer. She speciaises in co-dependent relationships including those with an addict and you might resonate with some of what she advises. Not sure if I can link here but you can look for https://whatiscodependency.com/ and search for the blog section on her site. I found that some of her articles were helpful for me.

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Hi CherryB

I can relate to this, although I’m in a fairly new relationship it’s still painful and grim to see my partner taking coke on a weekend (and sometimes mid week).

If you’ve told him how you feel and he still continues you have to accept you can’t change this – which then comes down to how long do you want to live this life?

I have given up asking my partner to quit, he’s been taking for 20 yrs, he aint gonna stop now! He’s said he’d only stop for me but someone needs to want to stop for themselves and I don’t know about your husband but my partner has literally said, “I don’t give a f***” To my mind this is a hopeless situation.

I’d advise having that conversation with him, if he doesn’t want to get treatment then he’s not going to stop.

Also, he may tell you that taking it once a week isn’t a big deal – but it clearly is as it changes their behaviour which impacts on those closest to them. Just my thoughts.

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