I understand unfortunately. I am so sorry to read that you’re in this lonely situation, I know how isolating it can be. My health has deteriorated terribly since living with the stress and sadness of my partner being an addict. I have done all the shouting and screaming too. I have even thought about dying too. I think that is normal when the pain is too much.
He is under a drugs and alcohol service now and hasn’t had alcohol since last year, which wasn’t the ‘main’ problem anyway. He is on a replacement drug now but even though he tries to hide it I know he still wants the high and can sometimes get it from adding pain medication that he has. The way he acts and looks sometimes makes me hate him even though I’m trying to be supportive.
Talking to people about it helps, I have a couple of friends who listen. Also, I have contacted the charity Icarus (Googled it) and they have offered support for me.
I am out today (because I try to get out when I can) but I will try and message this evening if you reply to me.
Does he know he has a problem?