Hi Helen,
You definitely are not alone and clearly you could do with some support for yourself as what you are dealing with is so very hard.
Please contact The Icarus Trust which is the charity I work for. We are there to support people going through what you are and we have very experienced people who you could talk with and may be that would help. They also would be able to let you know what other help is available for you in your local area.
Please contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.