I very sorry to read about your situation. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me reading what you posted as it reminds me that so many people are so badly affected by ‘demon’ drink.
Reaching out to people who have experienced very similar difficulties is recognised as a way of helping and is my reason for joining this forum today.
With the exception that my husband is not dead (albeit not living a very full life) I would echo everything you say. My husband is a lovely man when not drinking. I miss that man very much. Unfortunately that man is now almost totally consumed by alcohol. Instead, he suffers from depression and anxiety, who loathes himself and is not coping at all.
I have finally decided I can’t cope living with him any more. So here I am in my late 50’s, sat crying in my mother’s house.
I’ve tried everything, and he has had professional help. But, he has given up on having help and pretty much given up on himself. I’m extremely worried without my presence his drinking will escalate but I couldn’t stop him when I was with him.
I would love it if my leaving my husband was sufficiently motivating to make lasting changes, but l would just be kidding myself.
Sorry, have gone on about me rather than responding to you.
Your grief will be understandably mixed up and confusing. I think that you feeling angry is a normal response. It’s just anger can feel at times all consuming and a bit frightening. In time, but not immediately that feeling will lessen, I’m sure.
When someone has addictions that doesn’t mean mean that they can’t love deeply and meaningfully. however the addiction for some people is the more powerful. Not sure there are any reasons why and it seems unfair.
I hope you have found the forum helpful and you are also getting support at home