My (still loved but by the time of his death ex) partner of 12 years died in April 2023. And *warning* that this post contains some graphic descriptions of some of the realities of just how badly his alcoholism turned out for him and all of us who cared about him. It took away his intelligence, his health, his finances, his morality, his personal relationships and eventually his life.
He was an alcoholic the whole time I knew him, initially “functional” and employed in a managerial role as a soil physicist, later not employed and constantly complaining to me and berating me about lack of money, and was in end stage alcoholism from around mid 2019, threatening suicide by walking in front of a train at a level crossing near our house, laying down for months and drinking til he vomited, then drinking some more and vomiting some more.
In his final 24 months he had 6 rehab stays (commenced drinking again within a few hours of discharge each time) and 19-20 hospital admissions for alcoholic ketoacidosis, falls, tachycardia, intentional overdose etc. A once brilliant man, he had developed some degree of dementia by the end, had taken to wandering around the neighbourhood naked, was spotted by neighbours with his pants down and defecating in a children’s playground down the street from his brother’s house in Melbourne where I had sent him in November 2021 to continue trying to rehabilitate after I couldn’t take anymore (I continued to visit and support him there until August 2022 and spoke to him frequently til he died. I was the ladt family member to do so).
Our relationship had deteriorated a lot in the years before his death and while we were still living together, as I could no longer handle sleeping with him with the strong ethanol smell emitting from his body, the vomiting, and finally the constant defecating in his pants, all caused by the alcohol. He in turn felt personally rejected by this, and went on sex sites to complain to women about my lack of interest in him.
He could not see that his situation had contributed to this. He believed I was “frigid”. Before I sent him off to his brother, he gave out our address to women online and invited them round. Later, he started pursuing a woman near his brother’s place, and was dismayed when her Hells Angel husband reappeared after a stretch in prison.
I repartnered and moved interstate to South Australia in late 2022 and my alcoholic former partner was in turns angry and distressed by this development. He said many spiteful things to me, in his distress but also often begged me to return to him.
In the final weeks of his life when he’d accepted I would not be returning, he threatened me with financial ruin, accused me of stealing from him, accused me of having had him assaulted (he had a fall but was convinced he’d been bashed, so I called the police who concluded it was a fall), threatened to report me to the professional body I belong to as a lawyer, went to my bank posing as a solicitor and demanded access to my business’s bank accounts, etc. etc.
He had returned from his brother’s place to live at our New South Wales rural home property in mid February 2023. His brother and I both knew he was unsafe there. I was by then living interstate. He had 3 hospital stays between Feb and late March. I was back in our town briefly during one of these stays and bought him a few hundred dollars worth of microwavable dinners and a new microwave oven, because I was scared he would burn down a building he was staying in behind the main house, and possibly the house itself, which had 6 tenants in it, upon his discharge from hospital. He’d had to stop cooking at his brother’s place as he was so unsafe.
When discharging him in February, the local hospital tried to get me to take responsibility for him as his next of kin. I explained I was not even staying in the same state and could no longer care for him. They discharged him anyway, that time and twice more before the final time he was taken there.
He sent me a lot of angry and accusatory emails and texts in late March/early April and on 2 April (his 66th birthday) sent me an email entitled “And happy birthday to me” with no content. I spoke with him that day while I was travelling from Canberra to Melbourne for a connecting flight home to Adelaide, wished him a happy birthday and implored him for the millionth time to stop drinking, get help, etc etc and said that we needed to be kind to each other to navigate our way through the dismantling of our partnership.
On the evening of 4 April I was home with my new partner on his farm near Adelaide. My former partner called me and it was evident he couldn’t catch his breath. Then the phone went silent, as though he had passed out. My new partner (a first responder for 40 years) said we should call an ambulance and I thought so too, so I did. My adult son who was staying in another building at the property in New South Wales called and told me an ambulance had taken my former partner away, yet again.
Some days passed, I called the hospital to see if he was still there or had been transferred to a larger, city hospital as had happened numerous times before. They gave me no information. When he had not returned home in a fortnight I called the police and asked them to find out which hospital was in so I could let his family know. Initially the hospital couldn’t tell the police where they’d sent him. CCTV footage later showed him walking out of the hopital the same night he’d been taken in by ambulance. They’d never actually admitted him as he’d refused to go in voluntarily and he had been disgruntled and just left. No one had notified anyone and when I’d called they had followed protocol of no information.
After around 7 days of investigations which showed no bank accounts touched, no emails or calls, and a 3-4 day search by 23 police and state emergency services officers, of drains, waterways and parks around our town, his remains were spotted in open scrubland about 500 metres from the hospital, during a helicopter search.
Heavily intoxicated, in the dark, cold and rain, and without his glasses, which we later found had been left behind on a table when the ambulance took him, he’d wandered off in the wrong direction for home, walking uphill to the edge of town instead of what should have been a 20 minute walk downhill in normal conditions but he was weak from various falls, head bangs and the alcohol itself.
The police related to me that he had removed his clothes before dying. This may have been because, apparently, if someone has hypothermia and is not sober enough for reason to kick in, their brain misregisters the extreme cold their body is experiencing as being too hot and they engage in what’s called “paradoxical undressing”.
Later, during the roughly 3 weeks he had lain up on the hill, his remains were gnawed on by animals (possibly feral foxes or local dogs) and also of course, decomposition had taken place. What we got back from the coroner’s morgue was not complete enough to be called a “body”.
His family came over from New Zealand, and up from Melbourne and Canberra. I returned home to be with them and stayed with them, fed and cared for them for 2 weeks. I’m still close with his parents and siblings. Later, his children challenged me for our properties, as they didn’t know he’d put no capital into them and had no income in his final 5 years. They’re now aware of these things and also of arrangements I’ve already made for their financial welfare, and that side of things has calmed down, but it was very stressful and affected my health badly.
I am far far worse off financially for having known my former partner. I loved him and he loved me, but the whole thing was doomed by his addiction. I am moving on with life as best I can, but I’m not really sure I’ll ever be wholly ok again due to the personal and financial aftermath of the relationship and his death. My mental and physical health have suffered and I can no longer practise in my profession. On the other hand, my new partner and I are very kind to each other and I have many loved friends and family members.
Best wishes to all of you and I’m so sorry for how your partners’ addictions have affected you.