Hello everyone and Happy New Year,
Sorry to hear about the COVID Bump, and long COVID ladies. Remember to take it easy when you can. I work in the CCU, ITU, theatre etc and it’s all a very poor visual right now for myself and colleagues. Long COVID is something I’d like to research in the future, if I am lucky enough to have one.
Lindyloo, please pass my congratulations on to your son, sounds like he is overcoming a lot and also his recovery gives people like me some hope.
Jen, hope your mum is feeling better. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I hope you understand, but the thought of my son being at home in his room and smoking weed would be a luxury to me as I would know at least he would be safer than he is now.
Thank you to everyone here at Adfam and especially the mums in this thread. I learn a lot here and also feel supported though I do realise that only I can take myself out of this constant cycle which leaves me living my own life in despair. I have lost the ability to relate to people in a friendly manner so now I am an empty shell with two hats. The aloof professional ( terrified person who covers her true identity through fear of the cracks showing and loss of job and income ) and the even more terrified hermit. ( realising that 12 years in this abusive cycle has left me vulnerable to normal socialising ) It’s like an invisible badge I wear. Most people who are friendly towards me are now the sort who can spot vulnerability in others and are on the look out for what they can take. I have isolated myself for two or three years now, but now feel the need to establish who I am and how I could improve my life. The endless fear and related stress has weakened my health physically, mentally and emotionally.
By all intents and purposes it may look and feel to my son that I have turned my back on him. I haven’t and never shall, though the time has arrived where I have consciously decided to take a step back.
I have met with my son twice during the past few weeks. We had coffee, but I could tell he didn’t really want to be there. He just wanted either for me to give him some money, or to get on with his days begging. He begs for money for drugs in the city centre . Due to the lockdown there are slim pickings and many fights over territory ( I can’t believe this is still going on , that the government and society let our most vulnerable fight and maim each other over who gets to beg where and when) Unfortunately I see and understand the desperation of the addict
I have no answers and there is no real help for my son at this time.
Today, I received a phone call from my son. He was in custody, or he had been and was released an hour or so ago. Normally I drop everything and sort things out. For example; he gets a taxi I meet and pay for taxi then he berates me or pleads and begs me for money, then rushes off to get his heroin fix . I refused to help him, bail him out, ease the pain and terror of his withdrawal. This act makes me feel like I am cruel.
I tell him I hate drug dealers and refuse to hand over any monies that will help finance this evil business, because the dealers know and see what they are doing.
It isn’t easy for me right now, perhaps I have made the wrong decision. I can only try and begin to go into some sort of stabilisation and recovery myself. Recovery from years of loss, pain, abuse and horror from how a drug as vile as heroin is allowed to be openly sold in broad daylight on the streets . Yesterday my son was found overdosed in the street, not for the first time. A police officer administered Naloxone which instantly takes the addict out of OD and into withdrawal. The addict then becomes frightened and desperate for a fix. In this instance my son was taken to prison for the night as the hospitals are most likely full. Also the Medical staff have no back up at all to offer help for withdrawal or rehabilitation, so it’s pointless taking them there.
The dealer on the street who sold the heroin ( cut with crap – six deaths two weeks ago from one batch cut with anthrax in Glasgow ) stands by and watches. The police know that my son is a person who uses heroin and begs ( sometimes for 10 hours a day just to keep the rattle at bay. ) and I thank them for giving him the Naloxone, but I would thank them more if they arrested the dealers. However for reasons unbeknown to me the police will not arrest the drug dealers. I’ll rephrase that: won’t arrest the murderers.
So, I thank anyone who has read this much so far! I checked in way back and all of you lovely people gave me the permission to rant! Thank you for sharing the burden of my frustration.
I haven’t tried “ not being there “ for my son before. I’m about five weeks in and it’s torture. I am hoping to try and stabilise my own situation by not putting my son before myself anymore, simply because it’s too painful and frightening for me to live with right now.
I hope to gain strength. If he ever decides to stop using I will do all I can to help, even though I know that will be a difficult process too, but at least there would be hope and maybe some peace. Alas I need to step back for now and look after myself without really knowing if I’m doing the right thing.
Ivy x