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I don’t know what to do my son is in his mid 30’s and has lost his home his car and only goes to work to get money for cocaine. We bought him a small business and a car and told him to pay back what he can weekly. He’s not paid a penny back. We told him he could stay with us as long as he kept his space clean and didn’t smoke the really strong dope as it makes both my husband and I feel physically sick. He kept smoking it and my husband told him to find somewhere else to stay. That was a year ago and he’s came back saying he’s nowhere to go during lockdown. I am shielding and now he’s in our caravan in the garden not going to work borrowing money and saying he’s ill and can’t go to work. My husband has gave up and doesn’t speak to him and is angry at me for letting him stay in the caravan but I’m his mother and don’t know what else to do.
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I sympathise with you I’m also a mother of a son with drug and alcohol problems. It’s the hardest situation. Today I told my son who has been in a 2 week bender staying at various place and not socially distancing that I wldnt let him back to live. He was out of his mind on drugs and I have a younger son in the house I didnt want him under our roof in that state. I’m worried sick as I’ve made him homeless but felt I had
no choice. All the helplines I’ve spoken to have said as hes an adult he has to seek help himself and I have to let him reach rock bottom. So hard to do but I do feel that his life is making me miserable and I’ve got to stand firm. Your son is in his forties maybe your husband is right and maybe he also has to reach rock bottom, ? But such difficult choices for mums….they are still our babies. I hope your situation changes for you.
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Hi bump I am a sister of a dead beautiful brother to alcohol.. please understand you have not made your son homeless my mum and dad kept my brother safe and warm but he stilled lost his life to alcohol I wish they had treated him with cruel love because he may still be here today xx be proud of yourself you are doing what best for your son x
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Omg this is my worse nightmare. My thoughts are with you and your parents. We can only do what we think is best xx
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Xxxxx
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Just reading back over my messages. I am now a bereaved mum due to drugs and the dealers who wouldn’t leave my son alone. I read my sons drs notes he asked for help he was honest about his addiction he got anti depressants where’s the help for them
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Hi bump 22. I’m new to this site. I am in the same position as you. Worried sick about my 19 year old son. Haven’t heard from him in 7 days. I suspect he’s selling drugs to pay for his habit now. I don’t know how to get my boy back that was once so well mannered and respectful. I have 2 young daughters so I had to kick him out after he smashed his room up. I can’t put into words how heart breaking it is. Seeing you post made me feel not alone. Sending love to you.
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It’s a shame that more than one of us feel the same pain but thank goodness that this forum exists to make us realise that we arnt alone and we arnt bad people.
It can happen to any family.
I dont think I will ever get over the pain we have gone through and the fact my son seems mentally changed forever.
I have no relationship now with my son on the rare occasions we speak he ends up erupting over something then blocking me for weeks. The last time all I did was ask how he was doing….his paranoia kicked in and he accused me of spying g on him.
Very sad. U had no choice to kick him out which he hates me for but I know that I did right by my ten year old which counts.
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Yes you did do right. Your very young child should never have to see any of this. We wouldn’t tolerate a stranger doing this to us, unconditional love is a really dangerous and disingenuous saying as all addicts need boundaries set by their families, so there are conditions, it isn’t and never should be unconditional love because that enables. Well done for taking the steps you have and please don’t see it as a failure, see it as responsible parenting for both the addicted child and the 10 year old x
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well im not sure if it is the right decision, i am worried sick especially as now i don’t know where he is and what he is doing.
Its such as a shame as he came back home to live and he did a month of being clean and then relapsed but its such a circle as he doesnt seem to maintain it and wont engage in services he dips in and does one session with a service and then says it doesnt help and so back to square one.
im worried sick im sure he has a mental heal issue now, but its such a hard decision. im stuck between a rock and a hard place, dammed if i do dammed if i dont and im sure you feel the same.
Try not to let him ruin your relationship with your husband otherwise his drug problem is ruining elements of your life and not just his……easy for me to say all this as i know it really feels like a hopeless situation.
Have you received counselling to talk over how your are being affected? Im having some at the moment, its not a magic wand by any means and i wish someone could just tell me the right thing to do but it does make me feel better talking to an outsider and not feel judged, i struggle to speak to friends as i feel so ashamed.
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Hi I have just joined and totally relate to you my daughter has schizophrenia and drug abuse issues with coke, she started at 15 with weed then at uni became really mentally unwell she is now 30 and I am beside myself with worry I’ve tried every approach and ultimately it’s up to her to do the right thing, the only time she got well was in psychiatric rehab but now she’s out she’s not eating and taking drugs again she looks so I’ll I’m just waiting for the phonecall.
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Welcome to the forum M82. I hope you find this place a source of understanding and a place to share the crazy life of loving an addict. It’s been very helpful for me. ????
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Amazing to read your conversation Theresa with bump 22. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone. I resonate so much with what you said. Such similar situations. I’m new to this group so hopefully you don’t mind me commenting on your thread. I feel guilty when I enjoy time with my young daughters knowing my son is homeless and probably off his head. I’ve offered him so much help and support but he’s not interested. He wants to do his own thing he said with no rules. It makes me wonder where I went so wrong with him. ????
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Wow that’s the exact age we started having issues with my son..not the drugs but the start of problems..I’m not surprised you’ve had enough of him. Good luck.
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I can relate to this my son has stolen from me, a lot of money. I am broken but he is now turning his life around after attempting to end his life because of cocaine i almost lost him
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Wow that’s so hard for you I’ve also had that 2 days before Christmas in hospital getting his arms stitched up ..not much fun and numerous times he says lifes not worth living. The drugs and alcohol messing with their brain chemistry so much of it is mixed in with mental health issues. But we all have to cling onto hope as they can turn it around and must focus on the success stories.
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totally, ive felt so alone in this no one i know has been through anything like this and just dont understand. good to have a forum like this even though none of us would wish this hell on anyone else.
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Tell your son no more money And mean it , your money is paying for his drugs. Give him food and let him live in the caravan , don’t let him into the house if he might steal from you.
As he is still speaking to you find places where he can get help.
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Just wondered how you are getting on. Life feels unbearable for me, my son is so aggressive and intimidating. He treats me so appallingly I just want to run away given him so many chances. Hes kicked off big time today am sure has caused himself mental health issues. I’ve tried saying he cant live here anymore and he kicks off and frightens me even more.
Any advice.
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i have had a horrific day today. I can t beleive that my life has come to this. I kicked my son out for about the third time in a short space of time as we just cannot live with him and his behaviour . for 2 nights he hounded us by hammering on our door all night until we let him in.
this morning he turned up after apparently spending the night at a drug dealers house he was erratic and clearly had taken something we ended up having to call the police as he was intimidating and we felt he needed sectioning that obviously didnt happen and despite telling the police he wld be leaving he remained here all day with us treading on eggshells.
so where do we go from here ? weve tried kicking him out weve tried everything we feel uneasy in our own home and i feel totally hopeless. if things arnt bad enough my husband has been made redundant , ive never felt so hopeless and miserable i cant sleep and really despair at where things will end.
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Is there anyone who can mediate between you? Does he want help? Sending my Love x
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I’m sorry to hear that. Your husband is probably really hurting from your sons addiction. It makes us feel emotions that we wld never normally feel and say. I just spoke to drugfam it was good to speak but I still feel hopeless no good outcome at the moment.
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Thanks so far we havnt been successful..and yes this area has always been under resourced.
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just wondering who on this forum has been made to feel by their child that its their fault their child has an addiction? my son claims its me and yet i know ive been a great mum doing all i can for him. even now the only ones who would take him in despite constant abuse. heartbreaking to be made to feel that despite giving your everything he looks to blame someoene.
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I’m new to this thread – but yesterday my son told me I have been the worst mother and I am the reason for his addiction.
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My son has been with us for 7 weeks, he is in his 30s and a recovering heroin addict. He smokes weed and takes tablets he buys online. He also has told me that his addiction is my fault and that he’d rather be dead. His room looks horrific and he hardly moves from his bed. I have not been able to get help but am also starting to think that him being sectioned would be the best way forward. He used to be so full of sunshine and generous to his friends. His eyes look dead now and I have become a tolerated inconvenience that he needs for money and food. He has lost most of his friends and I am so sorry for him, but feel he is dominating the house. I am clinging on to my job, just about. But I find it so hard to focus on anything. I’ve feel so sad for others in this situation, it’s not something you want to share with friends.
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Yes ‘it’s my fault ‘ , of course it is . I should of whipped your arse when I first knew you smoked dope. I should of told your skanky makes to f-ck off when they knocked. Instead I was nice to them while unknown to me you was smoking weed together .
If you die although I will be heartbroken and destroyed I have decided to exclude anyone from the funeral who has ever smoked dope , or took cocaine with you , family members included.
They blame their mums as they can’t yet take responsibility and blame themselves . They are too immature.
Jem – my son went like this and then tried to overdose on tablets. He wasn’t sectioned the hospital just sent him with us.
Is their anyone !!! Uncle, Aunt , old best friend that could take to him ?
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Hi Jenny you comments re your son’s funeral is exactly how I have been thinking. My son is a coke addict, my story is up there today. I swear that if the inevitable happens I will only be allowing immediate family to the funeral because when I asked him to delete the dealers from his phone he said ‘ I might as well delete all my contacts’. That speaks volumes to me, they’re all getting rich at the expense of my son’s addiction. ????
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My son has worn out his welcome everywhere. The thing I find hard is that we live somewhere nice and there are opportunities for him. He just sits there in a mess with the blinds down. He won’t eat a meal with us or walk the dog. I feel that he sees not doing heroin as the end goal but will only look at chemical solutions to get him there. He is now on something that I think is similar to Xanax. He complains he is bored but can’t be coaxed to do anything other than to wonder out of his room to find food or drink.
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I am so tired and just want to cry. Thank you for listening it really helps.
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jem and jenny I am s sorry to read your posts because i totally relate to it and am in the same situation and i wouldnt wish my worst enemy this misery.
We have kicked my son out on friday we have kicked him out before and been bullied by him or duped into having him back but this is for good.
he took an overdose last friday im still not sure if it was a suicide attempt or just his usual taking too much of stuff but anyway he ended up in hospital and told them that hed done it because of me!! as a result we had a police visit and social services do an investigation because of my younger son being here thankfully common sense prevailed and its gong no further as they could obviously see its not us… but a a wake up call to us…he kept us awake with his druggie girlfriend and that was it told him to go and never come back. today weve cleaned/fumigated his hole of a room and will putting his belongings in a storage unit so we dont have him bothering us for his stuff.
weve changed the locks too and will call the police if he does what hes done in the past by banging and hammering on our door in the middle of the night and us being forced to let him in.
i cannot beleive that the only people in the world who have tried to help him have been abused and bullied so much by him and could have caused so much potential damage to his younger brother who weve bent over backwards to protect.
We live in a good area and lots of opportunities but wasted on him.
like others have mentioned his eyes are dead and his a big ball or anger, drugs have ruined a sweet boy and im struggling to keep it together.
im so sorry to everyone who has to go through this.
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I’m so sorry that all of this has happened, especially with a younger child in the house. It is so hard to turn a child out, I am very scared of reaching that point, and having to face the fact that it really is down to them to fight for their own futures because no one else can do that for them. You’ve both been very strong in changing the locks; I am thinking about you x
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he naturally hates me for it and cant see why? he thinks we shld keep feeding him and having him here whatever his behaviour.
I know that we will have some tough times ahead as he wont have money etc.
I did get a referrall done by a supported living place who help people like him he has a an assessment there this week and has to agree to engage in their programmme and will depend if they have a space somewhere for him so i am praying tht is the case so that i can sleep at night.
As far as i know he has stayed at his gf for a night a druggie mates lsat night and his gfs parents apparently paying for a hotel for him tonight….clearly they dont want him in the house either!
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dont think about him, this is your escape and a chance to forget things while your away.
My son has checked into a travel inn for £25 tonight paid for by his gfs parents…ironically he got paid £300 for labouring work on friday so he shld pay for it himself. there are options to him being on the street. I refuse to cave in hes had enough out of us. he can now choose homelessness over getting s a job and supporting himself. I hope this is his wake up call.
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Bump22, I really hope that your son’s supported living place works out, that could be a real opportunity although I realise that you probably don’t allow your hopes to be raised easily.
Theresa – I hope you are having a proper break from what’s going on at home. That’s worth so much.
My son has taken too much of something and managed to cover himself and the kitchen in chocolate trying to make a cake tonight. It was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad.
I felt so alone until I found this forum – but I’m so sorry that you are also caught up in this hell. No one should have to live like this.
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thanks jem.
i feel for you like you say if he was a normally functioning drug free adult the chocolate incident wld be a source of amusement but i can totally relate in these circumstances it is just sad.
i feel like im still struggling was unable to sleep last night as despite making the decision to make my son leave the house the problem still hasnt gone away.
i did feel better looking across the landing to his room and seeing it clean and tidy and the chaos of his room gone but i think we will nd up moving as the last several years have been so traumatic it just reminds me of all the bad memories.
the last few weeks ive struggled to get out of bed as when ive heard him up ive been so depressed about what the day had in store. I sometimes wonder if i will ever be the person i used to be.
i hope theresa you are enjoying your break as much as you possibly can.
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I understand that, last night you knew that your son had somewhere to stay but as you say the problem hasn’t gone away. It sounds like you have put up with this for years, I can’t begin to imagine that. My son has been away in a city for the last few years living in a room in a big shared house where he was able to hide his habit until last Christmas. He has only been here with us since lock-down. When he first came back we didn’t know he was back on heroin – which was really stupid and naive. We organised him a flat near to us, and then found he was increasingly hard to get hold of, with him making excuses for us not to pop round. Then of course I realised, I’d been here before. The flat ended up as a tip, so we cleaned it out and handed it back, that’s when he came to us. He doesn’t want to be here, we are just the last option, he has gone 7 weeks without heroin, and I am scared if he leaves us that will be the end and he will never be free of it.
I think with a younger child in the house it must be so much harder and you have to make decisions differently and keep yourself sane for their sake as well as your own. I can see why you’d be thinking about moving house. Lock-down must have been so difficult for you and your family, I hope you get some respite.
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your son has done well to stay clean for 7 weeks and i can understand why you’d be scared for him to leave. Is he engaging with any drug services to help him?
My son had also only been back home since during lockdown hes also been in either shared house or flat with his gf but back here he just wasnt adhering to my boundaries especially with my younger one in the house so we have kicked him out a few times for that reason. And when he has been drug free his temperment is so volatile if anything that has been as much as the issue as the drugs. I spoke to him today and his voice sounded like he was on something so sad as i feel me kicking him out hasnt helped but equally we had just no choice.
I find it so frustrating that he just cant see what hes doing to himself and those around him.
ive saught out so many places and options for help for him but he wont engage and obviously as hes an adult so that means my hands are tied.
also his druggie girlfriend makes him worse they have such a toxic dependence on one another.
its funny as so far ive encountered anyone who knows of a girl with drug problems does seem to be a more male thing or am i wrong?
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Maybe it’s because boys/men don’t talk about their feelings and girls are more open .
I too have sourced help for my son , he went once To a clinic before lockdown and refuses to call them /go back for help.
His moods swings are so bad he’s Angry 99% of the time.
Homeless – living somewhere but he won’t tell me . Unemployed.
I can’t have him back as he Is toxic , rude, unmannered.
And I can’t have drugs anywhere near my home .
He’s 32 years of age so no longer a child.
My ‘child’ died 15 years ago and all that’s left is this shell, and his voice. His whole personality is disagreeable.
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Yes I’m starting to feel that my husband and I were just looking at the family pictures in our living room and it’s a different person that child and the adult he is.
So so sad but I know we cant have him back now I just hope he get some sort of wake up call..
But I sympathise Jenny my sons personality totally disagreeable too.
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My son has gone away for the night to a shared house he used to live in. I am so tired and relieved that he isn’t in the house tonight, but I am worried about him. He looked like he was on something when he went and took his expensive laptop which he needs if he is going to work again. His train journey has 2 changes, so lots to go wrong, without even thinking about who he’s meeting.
Bump22 I think that girls using heroin is less common than with boys. As Jenny said, boys do seem to bottle things up to a greater degree.
Jenny- it’s so sad to read the last paragraph of your post. I looked at my son’s face today for traces of the lovely boy he used to be. I guess people can surprise us and change their behaviour, I’m just trying to hold on to that thought.
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I hope he doesnt lose his laptop and comes home ok for.you. we shouldn’t be worrying about them like this when they turn adults.
My son doesnt take heroin and it’s my worst fear however according to the drug counsellors I’ve spoken to what he is on is just as addictive so just as bad.
It really is like the drugs have taken my son and just left a shell and nothing positive.
I go to bed worrying about him and if I actually sleep wake up worrying too. He has his assessment for a supported living place today I just hope he goes and it goes well.
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Hi Bump22,
I am sorry, I missed this message when it came through.
I hope that your son’s assessment went well, it sounds like a great opportunity if he will go for it. I know what you mean about them just being left as a shell. I looked into my son’s eyes before he went off and they were so dark and full of anger and despair. I don’t know where my son spent last night, but I got a message at 2.30 to say he would be back today, but I think that is unlikely somehow. He doesn’t really like my partner and blames the relationship for all of this. I suppose in the back of my mind I worry that if I was on my own with him, things may have been different, as he is different when its just the 2 of us. He also has no relationship with his dad. He and I split when my son was about 23.
Its hard to see a way forward.
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It’s interesting that our sons are from familys where their biologically dad isnt around, my ex has never been around properly for him but my husband is and even by my sons admission a great stepdad but I think the rejection from his real dad has a massive part to play in his issues.
Unlike u though my son was only 18mnths when we split I think he feels the odd child out as both me and his dad have remarried and have other children.
My son did go to the assessment I’ve heard but u dodnt know how it went and doubt I’ll find out.
I’m feeling crap today about things but do feel we had bo choice with everything that’s gone on and having to consider my youngest.
You son was a fully grown adult before your relationship he cant blame your partner ultimately hes has made the choice to take drugs and needs to take personal responsibility for that. All they seem to do is throw blame on other people. I had a very unsettled upbringing but I always stayed on the right path it is a choice.
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My husband is my sons father we are still together but we Do clutch at straws to find a Possible reason for their behaviour , and dependency’s on drugs /booze . Throughout the years I have thought of many reasons , is he gay and not able to come out/ was he been sexually abused as a youngster/ is it me did he think I did something really terrible . My hubby and I had an abortion before he was born as I wasn’t married – did my mum ever tell him ? It’s possible .
Is he Blotting out some dreadful thing from his past / I think the truth is some people are more prone to have addictive personalities and can’t say no . Then they get into a spiral of self hate and cravings so they take more to dull the pain.
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I’m sorry you’re feeling crap, you are probably so tired from all of this, and I think as Mum’s we always have a sense of feeling there is more we could do even when we are on our knees. You have to protect your youngest so in a way that decision is almost made for you and I don’t think you should feel at all guilty.
I think the relationship with their biological dads is key to a lot of this. My ex told my son that he and his new partner have lots of bbq’s and he’d like to invite him but doesn’t want his friends asking him how many copies of the Big Issue he’s sold (as in ‘you look a mess’), which is something that he has not forgiven him for – was just a stupid thing to say.
There is a great book called ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts’ that talks a lot about family relationships in drug addiction. I read it a few years ago when all of this started for us. I couldn’t make up my mind if it’s slightly over simplifying the causes of addiction but there is other really useful stuff in there as well – its worth reading.
I hope that your son still has somewhere to sleep and you can at least not have to deal with him being their at night. I was worried about where mine was last night, but it was also good to have a night off. I can’t bring myself to look at his room at the moment.
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Hi Jenny,
I know there is supposed to be a link with ADHD, which is common in boys, and I think my son probably suffers. He did very badly at school but was brilliant with computer programming, so at 17 was working for a big corporation earning good money. He was obsessed and really wanted to do it, we worried he was too young, but he had no other options that he would look at and didn’t want to do A levels. He worked very hard and then got burned-out at around 24. He has only just told me that he had a coke habit at 22, which I had no idea about. I guess that was the start and he progressed from there. Until then he was the sensible one in his circle, he had a nice car, no license points, didn’t drink when he went out – it makes it so hard to think of all of that and where we are now.
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Oh I’ll def look into getting that book.
Your ex was really stupid saying that not helpful at all. My ex isnt far off he refused to take him in and has left it all to me but still happy to point the finger when it goes wrong.
So I’ve heard through my sister that he has been offered the supported living place as of next week which is great news. I hope he sticks to their programme. My sister also told me he is still very angry about me kicking him out and has said he Hope’s my youngest gets taken into care..a very jealous and spiteful comment.!
Jenny I know what you mean I’ve dug into the back of brain for explanations did he get abused by a cub leader ? All sorts of explanations but I think a mixture of being dyslexic and struggling at school being bullied rejection from his dad jealous of his mums new family and an addictive personality or mental health issue has all contributed.
I hope both your sons are safe tonight and you get to relax even a little bit.
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My partner refuses to acknowledge he has a problem with alcohol. Im a teacher and when I get home, I’ve no idea what I’m going to get to. He has no job. He doesn’t do anything to help himself save tell us that he’s thinking.
I don’t know what to do.
He tells me when I tell him I can’t keep on, he’s going to ruin my life and spread vicious rumours and stories re:my sex life or that I’m a pedophile and in my line of work this is so worrying.
I’m scared for his health. I’m scared how this cycle keeps on moving.
I’m on my own – nobody can support me, my family love hundreds of miles away
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Hello Whatnow, that sounds really horrible. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to I’d probably look for a local support group for the families of addicts, and let your gp know what’s happening. Talking things through will help you to work out what you should do. From my own experiences of addiction, my dad was a functioning alcoholic who wore my mum down and also seeing my son now, I’d probably advise you to leave, even if you just get a room in a shared house to start with. No one should have their life ruined by this. Nothing will change unless your husband is doing all that he can to get off.
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Whatnow if your partner is threatening your livelihood , and is being controlling I would most defiantly arrange to leave him .
Your life is more important , he sounds nasty.
Go visit your relatives , hand in your notice at work if you have too . Your well-being is the most important thing here.
If you own the flat – get someone to throw him out , Male bullies are normally scared Of other men that why they pick on women . Sell it move to nearer family.
If you rent – seek advice but don’t stay with him . Sending hugs .
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Yes this is a really nasty situation. This is a criminal.offence what hes doing. You need to speak to someone about it and get out of this relationship.
If your family are supportive can u move back ?
Im really sorry you are having to deal with this.
Also secretly record his threats on your phone if you are able to in case you need evidence.
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Am I horrible ! I’m teaching my son a lesson , he’s not got a proper place to live , he lost his job through drink and drugs and couldn’t pay for his flat , he had 2 lodgers who paid him rent that he spent . There’s a big bill coming for this flat as I’m guarantor. Probably over £2000. I also lent him £2500 just before he lost his job and before I knew he was a coke addict and alcoholic.
He didn’t want to pay for his flat and didn’t want the 2 others homeless . Well it’s him that’s homeless now as they have moved on.
I agreed to my sons clothes being stored at my house but he comes round most days and eats all the food . I also found a stash of empty beer bottles. I have told him that I don’t want him drinking in the house and he said ‘would you prefer me to drink in the park’ I said YES I would if you want to drink alcohol.
He is very rude , arrogant and we don’t get on , he can’t come back ‘home’ I am a childminder and he wouldn’t pass ofsted rules. I am not working until September .Anyway everyday he comes back has a shower try’s to stay as long as possible , he has someone to sleep but can’t leave his things there. He has a girlfriend but won’t even confirm it .
Today he came earlier and it’s so ungrateful and rude , I asked him about the telly programme and he just muttered and turned it up.
He has to leave when I leave ( heis known to steal my lovely watch went missing less than 2 weeks ago) and I’m now back home but iv parked the car on another road and I’m hiding up in my bedroom so he can’t see me . It’s raining – I feel bad but many times I went round to his flat when he had it and he wouldn’t answer the door to me and told me to f—-off and called me a bitch.
I want some peace. I want him to feel like I felt .
I WANT HIM TO FEEL , TO WAKE UP.
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore, it’s the ONLY way to save him!
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Oh Jenny how horrible I related to most of what you said.
Like me you are being bullied by him.
Have you thought about putting his belongings in a storage unit?
I know it costs money but wld he then come.round less?
Does he have keys? Change the locks?
You are not being awful he needs to learn and you need some peace.
Also and I know it’s easier said than done but he needs to wake up and get a job and sort himself out.
You’ve lost alot of money bailing him out like I have with my son it’s disgusting.
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Yes we changed the locks he doesn’t have a key.
As for his clothes , I prefer him to be clean and shaven and most times he is , he is ‘courting’ a young girl although he has told us nothing , so I want him to be clean .
Him having a girlfriend ( he’s not had a proper girlfriend for over 6 years and he’s 32 ) is an answer to my prayers.
I just need him to stop and think and be grateful and not expect .
He’s very ungrateful , has no empathy , he is using us .
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Yes I hear what your saying let’s hope she is the answer and spurs him to change his ways.
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Jenny – I think you have to save yourself. I could see myself parking the car elsewhere and pretending I was out. You’ve been very generous in going as guarantor, I have done that previously, but as in your case it ended badly. I will never forget the mess that needed to be sorted out, along with the back rent.
I think in some ways I am lucky that I have an office to escape to in the day time, and my son definitely can’t come in there. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty, but reading your post made me think about how important it is to keep our own lives stable, and for you, your childminding work has to be protected. It would be so easy for us to sink a
long with them and to end up with no life. In the end that doesn’t help them.
I have just heard from someone who let my son stay over the night before last and he has told me he had relapsed, which is not really a surprise, but is a huge disappointment as he went through a lot to get to 7 weeks. He has now gone off on a camping trip with people that don’t know what he’s up to, he has only the clothes he left here in on Tuesday, and a tent someone lent him. I don’t know if he will hit withdrawals while he is there. I am supposed to be leaving today to go away for a few days, but am not really sure what to do now for the best.
Bump22 – I hope that you are okay and that your son is still staying somewhere else. Do you know when he can move into his new accommodation? If he goes for that, things could really improve for all of you and you will have breathing space.
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JEM – this camping trip may be helpful as he’s away from the dealers and it will give him time to think (hopefully).
7 weeks is good and regretfully he relapsed but the hope was there for him and he tried , he can try again. I believe it’s a slippery up and down path with much disappointment along the way.
I would still go away , you need a break .
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Jem i am so sorry that he is relapsed after 7 weeks. It’s such a rollercoaster when they do well and then slip off the wagon so emotionally exhausting.
But hes now proved he can do it and hopefully he will try again.
I would definitely go away we all need to put ourselves first as otherwise we will be left with no joy and respite from this hell we live.
In answer to the question my son moves in on Tuesday I beleive he still isnt talking g to me as such as he thinks I’m the witch who’s kicked him out I did point out to him that it was this witch that has got this place lined up for him and it has been done out of love as I want him clean and to lead a happy healthy life. I just hope he engages with the programme.
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How was everyones weekends in the end?
I saw my son today first time since we told him to move out.makes me so sad seeing how rough he likes and today was spaced out.
Hes moved into his supported living I hope it works out.
I just feel so sick with worry makes me so sad to see how hes turned out.
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Hello, it’s heartbreaking to see them like that but at least he has his supported living place and hopefully he will get the help he needs. You will sleep better at night knowing he’s somewhere safe and not in the house. I really hope that he takes the opportunity. You did really well to get him a place.
My son is back here now. He went camping at the weekend, but must have taken something with him to get him through the weekend without getting sick. From what I can gather he’s annoyed the last of his good friends which was a wake-up call and has really upset him. So now he is back here going through withdrawal and really hurting. The scary thing is he has no memory of getting the train to Liverpool.
I have really struggled, went to the office today but couldn’t do much, I just feel so sad and scared for the future. I asked him if he really wants to get clean and he said he didn’t know. Obviously he’s very uncomfortable right now so maybe the wrong time to ask. I spoke to a chap today who is 20 years clean, that gave me hope. I worry how bad things have to get before my son wakes-up.
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My son is sofa surfing , he had a chance with the council they agreed he was homeless and gave him 60 days to find a room that they would pay the deposit on and the 1st months rent.
We refuse to pay as we paid the deposit on his previous flat and there’s about £2000 worth of unpaid rent on it Outstanding and we are guarantors. Anyway he messed it up waited till the last 2 weeks then found a property that didn’t accept the unemployed , he did this twice now he has lost this chance . So he’s been sofa surfing , but coming back mostly everyday to wash and eat.
Friday I tried to talk to him While sitting beside him on the settee and he turned the telly up ‘ .
I did speak to him and asked him to go back and get help from the drug clinic.
Sunday it kicked off again he came in from an all night party and went to bed ! He doesn’t live here. We wanted to go out and don’t trust him in the house , he has stolen before from us . I collected my mum and she came as mediator and I gave him an hour and got him out of bed. He left to go to her house to sleep , and neither of us have heard from him since Tuesday. He’s not getting any messages , his phones probably dead. Today I am requesting anti depressants from the doctor.
My dentist actual says I’m grinding my teeth in my sleep ( when I do sleep up at 430 today ).
I can’t have my son living with us , he’s still doing drugs.
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I’m so sorry your son couldn’t get a place to live, you/we just end up going round in circles with this. I felt pretty close to going to the doctors last week. It’s not having an end in sight that is the killer.
The day my son came back we put some ground rules in place – I have no idea how long they will stick. He was feeling bad about what he’d done, so it seemed a good time to do this.
So they are: we see your bedroom every day and you tidy it every day – hopefully one day’s worth is manageable. I never want to clear up a mess like that again. No hard drugs or tablets bought on internet in house; whatever he was taking were having a horrible effect. You must help out around house and go for a walk each day. I’m going to struggle to enforce this, I know.
I can see you digitally rolling your eyes, but I have to try something. Last night he came out and watched tv with us for a while and had dinner at the proper time – with us!!!!
I went on a forum for recovering addicts and asked them what they thought was reasonable. I’ve also found it helpful to read their perspectives on getting out of addiction, because I tend to lose patience and then my empathy walks out the door and I just nag.
I know that this may only hold for a couple of days but you never know.
The bigger problem is that I’ve asked him if he is serious about getting clean and I don’t get a very positive response. My worry is that at some point he’s going to have to be homeless and desperate, and then the fight back may look insurmountable.
I’m sad for all of us dealing with this. I was thinking at the weekend what it must be like to have a happy grown-up child and maybe grandchildren. This is such a waste of life.
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Jem I related to all you wrote and didnt digitally roll my eyes I totally get where your coming from and trying to minimise the chaos that his habit inflicts in you daily.
It’s good to have ground rules even if they become hard to enforce.
Even the bedroom in your house is stressful as we were the same clearing my sons room was a.mammoth task and was disgusting that it was a room in my own home.
I’m glad that he joined to watch TV with you as it’s those moments we gave to hold onto to give us hope.
I would be interested to know which forum for recovering addicts you went on as that may be helpful for me.
Jenny I’m so sorry about your week. It’s good you have been to the drs I need to do that. We all need to look after ourselves as the stress is just too much.
Any of you had counselling? I had some through a different organisation but wasnt helpful as I found the counsellor quite judgemental. Another counsellor I found really helpful but she left. Just wondering what else we can all do for the stress?
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Hello,
So last night was a better evening, my son ate with us and washed-up, and even let the dog sleep in his room, which hasn’t happened for a few weeks. Its early days though and I have been here before a good few times.
Bump22: I started looking at forums aimed at users because I was completely out of my depth and very low on empathy. I thought I was going mad last week, I confiscated some pills that seemed to be having a psychotic effect and nearly downed the lot myself 🙂 I have looked at Opiate Recovery which is a subreddit on Reddit. I know about this because my son has talked about them checking in with each other as they mark their days clean. You will find posts on there that will make your toes curl, but in amongst it are amazing people that have really gone through the mill with this, supporting and advising each other. I think that empathy is a really hard thing to hold on to in all of this, but on Sunday night my son had news that a friend of his (not a user) had committed suicide. This was someone who had been lovely to my son in the past and encouraged him to fight his addiction. We just sat on his bed, his head on my shoulder, and that opened up better conversations and I felt brought him back to me, but it is maintaining it that’s hard. Sorry I’m rambling.
I think these forums are good places to ask questions, just ignore any silly responses and take on board any insights that are useful. Because of the painkiller epidemic in America, there are a lot of regular people with opiate addiction issues, and they have ended up there via the doctors prescription pad and greedy drug companies, not through the recreational drugs culture.
Jenny – I really hope that you were able to sleep last night undisturbed and that your son is somewhere safe. I really hope that he finds a permanent place soon. A good nights sleep becomes such a rare thing. I put audible books on at night with headphones, I listen to travel writers, things like The Salt Path, where your brain doesn’t get pulled into a plot, and the narration is gentle. Its helped me a lot.
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Thank you , my son has returned to my mums they are very close , she lives only about 7 miles away. Yesterday I bought him some new socks and pants !! – as he has a girlfriend now I thought he’d look smarter . The last thing she wants is to see him coming towards her in his old manky sonic the hedgehog pants and unmatched socks- silly I know but I live in hope that ‘she’ is going to be the reason he gives / grows up. Something for him to aim for .
Someone near me on Wednesday threw themselves of a bridge just a 10 minute walk away – I was worried it could be my son. I’m living in constant fear.
I have all sort of calming music on my phone but I’ve decided Prozac is my best option – now to persuade the doctor.
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jem wow that sounds like a really positive evening lets hope you have more of those.
i will def tap into the forums for tips.
jenny i had to laugh at your post about the pants!! lol no one needs to see sonic the hedgehog on their man!
i hope this girl is the one to turn things around.
I spoke to my son this morning he did his usual of calling me coz he wanted something this was another ‘ive lost my i.d ‘call can you sort it out..ive lost count how many times ive had to do it but i did as he needs it to get work. He actually sounded pretty good, no slurred speech from drink or drugs and was up early and about to go job hunting so positive steps. He said he is yet to meet his key worker at this supported living place but hopefully it will be soon.
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Hey we’re smashing this, we have:
One son with a girlfriend and wearing matching socks (and no sonic in sight) – I can relate to all of that!!
Another up early and looking for work
and one at the kitchen sink washing-up AND actually managing to follow the plot of A Suitable Boy on telly (which I can’t manage)
I think we have to celebrate our successes 🙂
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Yes indeed let’s enjoy the highs when we have them!!
My friend lent me the book of a suitable boy but the size of it scared me..wld take me a year to get through it!
I’ve picked up in the realm of hungry ghosts today cant remember who suggested it..got an odd look from the librarian!!
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I haven’t read A Suitable Boy but have read others by the same author, one was about a million pages, it was called Two Lives or something like that. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts probably did get you a few strange looks in the library, brilliant that they had it.
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Hi,
I have been thinking about you both, I hope things are okay.
Bump22 – is the supportive living accommodation working out? I know it’s early days, but hopefully things are improving and you have some breathing space.
Jenny, I hope you have had better night’s sleep, and that your son has not been home so much.
My son has been back for about 10 days. He isn’t using at the moment, and I set proper ground rules this time around what he can and can’t do at home. So far that is holding and things are calmer. I feel shell-shocked from the weeks building up to him leaving last time, like I’ve been through a war. My brain is struggling to keep up at work, but I’m sure that’s the same for all of us.
Anyway, I hope you are having a calm drama free evening.
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Hi All , Haven’t seen my son for over a week , he is/was staying at his nans mostly during the week , sleeping a lot.
On Thursday he went to his ‘girlfriends’ so probably won’t be back till Monday !? He hasn’t found a permanent room as my mum gave him 2 weeks to find one and she’s scare she’ll get Covid as his mixing with others and she has COPD.
I’m glad he has a girlfriend.
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Hi ladies
Jem i hope you son Carrie’s on doing so well i know what you mean it is like going through a war !!
So my son is still in supported living but as yet it sounds like hes not being supported which is a worry. Last weekend I spoke to him he was wasted and said the people in the house were all drinking?!
He then called me and asked me if I cld bail him out of a problem with the police and I said no. Turns out he bought a car with his universal credit ….my son doesn’t have a license and cannot drive !!he said he was going to get his gf to teach him!..anyway the car got seized as he hadnt insured it….. it worrys me that he is making such stupid and dangerous life choices.
This now means he has no money for food and I told him i wasnt going to buy him any but it’s hard when i see how thin he is.
On a positive side the house is calm but i still cant sleep for worry. i think when u live so stressed for such a long time it’s hard to live normally.
I need to train myself to not worry.
Jenny I hope your son finds a place so you can relax a bit as you say it’s not fair on your mum. Let’s face they are so caught up in their addictions and chaotic lives the last thing they are thinking about is social distancing! Maybe theres a chance him and his gf will move in together?
I hope u all get to enjoy the weekend as much possible and this weather before the new restrictions kick in!
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He won’t tell me anything about her even her name – but I do know it although I don’t know her or her family I’ve been told she’s really lovely , I think she may already have a home as she has a child maybe it’s not that ‘solid’ yet.
JEM can you bring food to your son ? Or get a local delivery like a spar . That way he doesn’t get the cash.
It’s mind boggling the decisions they make , they can’t seem to think properly .
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so ladies hope youve had a good week?
mine has been eventful as usual with my son, i sick of the drama.
earlier this week he was pulled over by the police and told he looked like a suspect in a burglary(he wasnt and was pretty upset and concerned about it) the police however had s sniffer dog with them who sniffed that he had ketamine on him.
So far he hasnt been arrested and charged. But he gave them my bloody number to call? as if he thinks i want any involvement in his bloody dodgy way of life.
Then today i call him and find out hes waiting to hear if he is going to be kicked out of his supported living!!!
So feeling torn with my emotions on this one, number one fed up with my son that he s in this position and stressing me out but also frustrated and angry that the supported living wasnt supported at all!! so hes been there about 3 weeks and depsite being told at his assessment he would be given a full mental health assessment he has received nothing…not even a conversation with a key worker..no support at all!!!
i really hoped this would be the solution.
thrown him in a house with blokes who all drink and take drugs so essentially the total opposite of supported living.
he apparently has a meeting at 2pm based on what decision they have come to and if he will be kicked out.
sick of all the stress, even all my eyelases have fallen out with stress.
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Bump22 – I’m so sorry to hear how horrible your week has been, I can imagine exactly how you feel. The supported living accommodation sounds terrible, the worst of all worlds. I hope he is able to get all of this across at his meeting, that he’s had no support and has been placed somewhere where he’s really vulnerable. Maybe the police incident will be a wake-up call, although I know they only listen to the things they want to.
I feel so bad for you, I know how this just saps all the joy out of life. I hope things are calmer over the weekend.
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Hi Bump, jenny and Gem
I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been reading this thread and can relate to a lot of what’s happening to you.
My adult son is almost 28, living in his own flat (thankfully) but has alcohol and cocaine addiction for several years.
This addiction is ripping our family to shreds, as you all know from experience. You feel that you are unable to move on with your lives until their’s becomes more settled and happy.
Yep, i agree, I wonder what it’s like to have a son who is respectful, sympathetic, caring and reliable.
That’s our end goal ladies, for them to be happy and healthy and being independent of us.
I had a stressful week, son wasn’t speaking to me, but called late in evening asking to borrow £300 as the dealer was coming to break the door down for it!
What do you you? I worried about this happening and him being knifed or worse. We caved and did a bank transfer. He promised he’d pay us back, and start going to meetings again.
I’ve been anxious and feeling low all week, but managed to go to work as it is a distraction.
I’m grateful for this forum to hear that others are in similar circumstances.
Hope you all have a stress free weekend. I’m sure you all more than deserve it.
Lx
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We need stories like that to lighten the mood!!
Good to heat from you
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That has made my Friday afternoon. At least you didn’t meet her on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I hope your holiday was good.
I have had an okay week, my son is doing well, 3 weeks clean of heroin tomorrow and tapering the meds he was using to get off. It’s wonderful but I try to stop myself from hoping too much, as things can change quickly. I took him to my mum’s yesterday, she’s quite frail and confused. The pair of them over did the sherry while I cooked dinner, I wish I could have recorded the conversation, they definitely should live together.
Lindyloo: I’ve had the £300 call so many times. I looked at my bank statement recently and started adding it all up, it’s so depressing.
Hoping we all get a peaceful weekend.
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Lindyloo
No dont mind you reading the thread that’s what it’s there for.
My son has also had money to pay dealers as like you say you end up worrying about them being beaten up.
It’s so tough.
I was due out for a friends drinks tonight but have cancelled only one of the people going know my situation and I just cant put a brave face on especially when everyone will Wittering on about such silly problems which seem like such small fry compared to crap I’m dealing with.
I’ll stay at home and self medicate myself!!
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Jem so plsed ypur son is doing well. Fingers crossed.
I’m still waiting to hear about my sons living arrangements. Weve made it very clear he cannot live here but I dread he may turn up.
The drugs and alcohol worker who saw him yesterday said hed never seen anyone so.out of it!!
Hes really in a bad place.
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Bump22: I really hope that the support services sort themselves out and your son gets the help he needs.
I know that feeling so well of wanting to hide away. Sometimes it’s too much to try and put a smile on, when you just want to hide away. Sounds like a netflix and wine night.
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Thanks Theresa.
Yes I’ve had to tell supported housing he cant come back here.
It is horrible as he is so vulnerable.
I’ve just tried them and told the person I need to speak to is in a meeting….to be honest I dont know what these people are playing at. They’ve essentially thrown a load of addicts together and bot given them the support..ridiculous.
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hes been given 7 days notice. they reckon hes been dealing.
the support worker even agreed he may end up dead if he doesnt sort himself out.
so i have a bottle of wine in to self medicate myself tonight!!
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Bump22 Try and not think about it tonight. Find something decent to watch on telly and enjoy your wine.
This is very hard on you, but you have to look after yourself.
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Theresa, sorry i missed you off my text. Its sounds like you still have a sense of humour through your troubles. You definitely need that don’t you? What a difficult situation you’re in, my son would’ve done the same if we hadn’t helped him with house deposit. We had to make it fair as my daughter was getting help with uni expenses.
Jem- you must be so pleased that your son is making improvement. I wish this for all our sons.
Funny how its mostly boys that give us grief- is it a coincidence?
Bump – hope things get sorted out for your son soon. Such a worry!
Take care ladies, try and have a peaceful weekend. Lx
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I’m a bottle of wine down and had a call from my son…twice.. i hung up as sick of his requests and now blocked his number!
Will probably worry tommorow but sick of it now!
Enjoy your Friday nights ladies
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Yup its not the best but yes a lifeline xxx
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Thank you so much ladies, my stomach churns when I see my son’s number ringing me.
Nice to know I have support here when I need to speak to someone.
Night ladies
Lx
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August BH weekend, I wouldn’t have got through without this thread. It’s not like you want to talk to your friends about it.
Thank you xxx
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Lindyloo I’m the same when I see my sons number…I always know theres a problem or more stress coming.
I just cant beleive i got him that supported living which cld have changed his life and hes being chucked out before they got started.
I’m dreading him turning up here.
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Bump22: I hope you had a peaceful night and that your son stayed away. Maybe all of this will be the wake up call that he needs.
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Morning ladies
Lovely morning here, take pleasure in the little things. Hubby and I are having a night away from home.
Son says he’s going to an AA meeting today. Fingers crossed ???? he sees the light..again.
Take care, thinking and praying for you all. Lx
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fingers crossed.x
enjoy your weekend.
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If we could we would do the cravings for them .
My son has been staying with my mum this last 2 weeks but also out parting with mates my mum has copd and she’s worried.
He’s been looking at a few rooms ( yesterday) £600 a month Just for a room in London.
Thankfully he still has a girlfriend .
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I’m sat here doing some very boring accounting job. That really made me laugh, but put me off my sandwich. The things we end up doing!!!!
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That has made me laugh feeling very down at the moment…have come out for a bike ride and even got a puncture but that made me laugh about the bucket !
Im sitting along the river with a beautiful view while my husband is in the background cursing trying to fix my puncture!!
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I’m feeling a constant sense of impending doom.
Cant get my son out of my head and totally stressed about what is next round the corner.
I’ve not been able to get gold of him today to speak to him about being kicked out of his housing. Just feel hes on a bender somewhere and feeling so pessimistic about the future.
Sorry to sound such a misery but I find some days I can get on with life better than others.
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Hi Ladies, I’m back from a nice chilled overnight stay. I feel a tad more relaxed.
Theresa your bucket scenario, I tried to shake that image from my head. What us mothers have to go through as if the pain of childbirth is not enough!
Bump , I totally sympathise with you, the known stuff is crap, but the unknown stuff…well no news is good news i try to tell myself these days.
I’m trying to focus on small positive things just now, I listen to a wee 5 min meditation daily or nightly. It does cool the beans a bit for bedtime. Ladies, we have to try and be kind to ourselves.
I’m no sandal wearing, free the whales type of person but it definitely works .
Lx
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You’ll have to tell me what meditation you listen to.
Xx
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Bump22 – Thinking about you, I know how this feels. You just want to know that your son is safe but at the same time dread all of the drama starting over. But you never actually get to enjoy any peace that comes your way.
I went out with my son today, we had lunch and walked in the sunshine. I saw bits of his personality that haven’t been there for a while, but it’s all a rollercoaster. Three weeks ago felt like our lowest point and who knows what next week will bring. I don’t know how anyone stays sane through all of this.
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Nice to hear you’ve had a good day with your son. It gives me hope that I can have that too.
We went to the coast today with my youngest and my husband and I cldnt dtop thinking about when we took my eldest and the fun we had and how life has changed. I’m going to have to train my brain to be more positive.!!
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I think for my son, it was losing his good friends, because they didn’t want to know him when he was using. I think he probably registered shock on their faces when they saw him recently. It would be harder if his friendship group used as well.
I have struggled with insomnia over the last few years, my way of dealing with it, is a comfy pair of headphones that I can sleep in and Audible. I listen to books by people doing long distance walking, they are great for getting you back to sleep if you wake up in the night, although you don’t ever hear the book all of the way through in the right order. I also have listened to quite a few autobiographies, where the narrator has a gentle voice. I don’t think I could sleep without headphones now.
I hope everyone has a quiet night, no knocks on the door or buckets of …..
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Bump i googled” 5 minutes meditation “during day, there’s loads, choose one you like. There’s bedtime ones too, they help you drift off.
Jem, im glad you had that walk with your son, you need days like that.
My son phined earlier, had to get him cigs and groceries. He’s had a really bad time of it lately, we were unaware as he wasn’t in touch.
He’s pulling himself up again, starting meetings, contacting sponsor. I have to support him in this despite what’s happened recently. We love them right?
I’m meeting tomorrow for a walk too. Yes, difficult when they can’t see there regular friends who drink. Hopefully we’ll be strong for them.
Lx
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Arghh…need to vent.
So much for the “let’s meet for a walk, im so lonely, working from home, not seeing anyone ”
Just back, in less than an hour, he managed to squeeze another £40 to pay his phone bill !!
He’s racked up nearly £300 in less than a week. He’s promised to pay it back on pay day, but mentioned also he’s due dealer scumbags cash too. I feel such a mug, he’d been as well stealing my purse and running off with it !
I didn’t have to pay it, but I know he needs it for his meetings, I hooe to God he wasn’t lying about them.
Sorry to rant, it’s so emotionally and financially draining!
Lx
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lindyloo – sending hugs – get him a travel card for his meetings and ‘forget’ your purse when you meet up with him. If he’s stealing from your purse then that says he’s still doing the drugs . I don’t think due to Covid that actual ‘meetings’ are taking place only phone sessions but if I was you I would give them a call to clarify.
I have found that my son will tell me anything to get money from me.
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Thanks for your support Jenny.
I didn’t give him the cash but I paid it online. I know not to give him cash any more.
His meetings are online mostly, and he needs phone to speak to his sponsor.
I will leave purse next time, I actually thought he wanted. Y company. Bit hurtful really ????
Thanks for listening, I just had to vent. I’m more calm now.
Lx
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sorry lindyloo about your day. it really is draining.
and i feel for you being at home all day too, i was going stir crazy on furlough but now im back its nice to get out of the house.
at least hes trying to do meetings which is a positive.
have you got any other friends around in the day that you can meet for a walk with ? perhaps make it a regular thing to get out with a friend once a day?
i know its easier said than done.
Sadly whenever i hear from my son i know he doesnt want me for anything positive, i hope one day that will change, so its good that you still feel optimism when he called and asked to go for a walk.
ive stopped giving my son money ive stopped his phone too as it came to the end of its contract and i refused to carry on paying it. although ironically i now cant get hold of him!!
ive only been buying him bags of food.
im not sure how he is getting money for his drugs but ive got a pretty good idea.
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Bump, thanks for your reply.
I do work, but not Mondays. I have friends at work, I have two close friends who I can talk to thankfully.
Yeah, would be nice to get a call where there wasn’t an ulterior motive behind it.
I don’t give him cash, but I buy him food, cigs and today had to pay his outstanding phone bill, online, so no cash.
I feel he needs his phone for his meetings and sponsor. I told him I want it back at payday. He’s a functioning addict, fortunately working from home atm.
I feel for you too, bump not easy is it? Did you find a meditation video, i think there’s a headspace app you can get too?
Thanks again for your support, sisters are doin it for themselves!
Lx
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Lol Theresa, you made me giggle there! I guess we all have our ways of burning off steam! I’ll keep that in mind though!
Take care of yourself too.
Always here if you need to vent or a chat.
Lx
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Theresa i dont want to get on the wrong side of you….. I may take a trip to b and q tommorow!
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Bump lol
Nice to have a bit silliness in our lives!
Lx
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Bump – I felt sad when I read your post yesterday about being at the seaside with your youngest and thinking of happier family times. I think its hard to not think about those things, men tend to be better than we are at compartmentalising. Have you heard from your son yet since the weekend? I hope things are okay.
Lindyloo, sorry about your expensive walk with your son, I’ve done that so many times, dropped everything just to find it was all about money, but that isn’t him, it is his addiction, he’s still there underneath, they all are.
Jenny, I hope your son managed to find somewhere to live that’s affordable.
Theresa, I get your chopping wood fetish, my partner does that. I like to go out on my bike, I have this long lane that is a long uphill. I used to hate it but I can get rid of a lot of inner turmoil and pent up anger when I am just focusing on the road in front of me, I think it also helps me to sleep.
My son may be going away for the weekend to a really good friend, who is nothing to do with drugs. I am not getting my hopes up, but it would be good for him, and give us a chance to maybe have a couple of days away. He is still doing okay, and has become an obsessive cook, which I think is helping with the cravings. He did an amazing chocolate cake yesterday and spag bol was ready when I came in from work tonight. Long may it continue. If my son can do it after the state he was in a few weeks ago, they all can when the time is right for them. Its just so soul destroying trying to keep them safe until they get to a point where they are prepared to really go for it.
I hope everyone gets a peaceful night
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Jem, im so glad to hear you’re getting a break. We only went away for the weekend, but it was really relaxing. Taking in the views and enjoying the sunshine.
Take pleasure in the little things I always say.
Night all
Lx
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Thank you , my son has found a room actually it was someone I remembered let out rooms from a few years ago and hubby phoned him and luckily he just had a room become available and my son likes it.
He’s moving in there tomorrow . He’s also text me earlier he has a job interview as well tomorrow so things are looking up for him . He’s told me he’s no longer using weed , and has also knocked the cocaine on the head ??? I’m not so sure about the cocaine . He still has a girlfriend and I think this is helping him mature . I’m trying to be positive , things are becoming better and he’s now talking to me and being polite.
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Hi Theresa,
I’m glad you are getting support by speaking to people on this forum. What you are going through with your son’s addiction is very hard. If you feel you would like more help for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust.
We are a charity that supports people going through what you are. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with who may help you to find a way ahead and will let you know what other support is out there for you.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you.
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Jem I’m glad your son is still doing well. Coming home to dinner and cooking sounds great. I really hope he has turned a corner.
Theresa I so relate to your comment about being screamed at when u try to talk to them and that youre giving them a panic attack. I have had that too. Even today when I was trying to give him advice.
My son finally called today ..strangely because he realises he now has no home from friday. Both my husband and I are standing firm that he cant come home but I know it will be so hard to enforce when hes banging on our door at 2am on a school night. I’ve told him we will call the police.
He is employing his usual tactic of trying to be nice but I’ve lost count how often he does that .
I’ve told him now is the time he needs to reflect on how his actions affects us and others and ultimately people have stopped being willing to help him.
It’s hard but I’m being told by so many.as well that he will have to reach rock bottom before he decides to change.
I hope everyone has a peaceful night and I take positives from those of you who’s sons are showing signs of changing.
Icarus trust I will look at your website.
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Bump- so sorry to hear that your son is putting your family through this heartache. So hard to make this decision, it was very brave to stand firm. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I do hope he sees sense and seeks the help he needs.
I’ll be thinking and praying for you.
Lx
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Bump- I’m really sorry things are so bad with your son. I don’t think you have much choice in keeping him out, especially as you have a younger child in the house. I really hope that he finds somewhere and isn’t banging on your door on Friday. At some point he will be ready to change but you have to protect yourselves while you are waiting for that to happen.
Sleep well everyone x
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Bump – not sure if your in the UK ? Because of Covid the government are housing rough sleepers , so if your son does knock on your door then call the police and hopefully he’ll then be in the system to get help . Have a look at your local councils website on homelessness and give him the tel number.
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Hes called the council and they said yesterday they wont help I literally cant believe the supported living and just throwing him out.
I was awake at 2am worrying about this. I’m so stressed.
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The council have a duty to help . If I was you I would first phone the ‘assisted housing’ to clarify , then I would call the council dept for homeless for advice , then shelter.
Your son can also phone his local citizens advice for advice , they know the law inside out .
If he was in fact dealing drugs they would need proof before they evict him. If they have proof then the council may deem him to of made himself homeless and won’t help him so shelter and CAB would be his way forward.
2 weeks ago I went on anti depressants and have slept better. Xx
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Bump – I agree with Jenny, I think it’s worth having another go with the assisted living people, making your case that he was not supported. Long term it doesn’t sound like a great option if they don’t do anything with the people who they are paid to support. Can you go higher than the person you spoke with previously?
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Well council.said last time if hes taking drugs hes intentionally making himself homeless.
I’m in a state today as no one will help.
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Bump – That’s such a simplistic answer as he was there to try and get help in getting off whatever he’s using. If he had it under control he wouldn’t have needed to be in a supported living setting in the first place.
You must be so frustrated with this.
Do you know what he is using apart from Ketamin?
I really feel for you on this.
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Mostly street valium and ket
It is unbelievable.
I’m sick with worry
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I found this on the shelter website The second paragraph may help
The decision letter
If the council considers you are intentionally homeless, it has to inform you in writing. The decision letter should explain:
that the council has decided that you are intentionally homeless
why it came to this decision
that you have 21 days to ask for a review of this decision.
What happens next?
If the council decides that you are intentionally homeless, it has to provide you with:
advice and assistance to find somewhere else to live
temporary accommodation while you look for a new home.
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thanks for this, hopefully if i speak to anyone at the council and ive spoken to her before and she was really unhelpful !
but maybe i can quote this to her.
nobody at my sons supported housing are calling me back.
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Exactly the woman in housing isnt returning my call and was awful to me last time.
I’ve been back onto the supported housing..I asked why in 3 weeks he met with noone and they knew what they were getting!
They said it takes time to put things gs in place. He then argued that my son wasnt engaging and most times he met with him he was wasted. I said surely that shld have prompted you to sort something out as he clearly was struggling and they put the owness on my son. I’m not defending my son but I feel he was set up to fail. Three weeks is a long time for someone with mental health and addiction issues to fumble along in a new house with other addicts and no help.. I questioned his duty of care as he will be on the streets as we cant accommodate him. I’m actually dumbfounded and how poor the service was. Not to mention stressed to the eyeballs.
Thanks all on this forum for your support.means slot.
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Your son didn’t stand a chance in that situation, it sounds like they are taking the funding but doing nothing for it. I think street valium/benzos need careful management to taper off because of the risk of seizures, so you could argue that he had no choice but to keep using until a proper plan is put in place. The agency could be accused of negligence.
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Keep trying , Maybe the sheltered housing has a list of trustees ? You can complain to about the lack of care /mentoring. Someone must of got your son in there can they not ‘help’ To sort this out.
Then I would call the homeless department at the council , maybe the person you dealt with before Is off sick or holiday .
I would phone the actual department.
I would also phone shelter for advice.
I would also ask my son the call the citizens advice to lodge a complaint against the council if they deny a duty of care.
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Sadly it’s the same person allocated to his case. They have said they want proof he is engaging with getting off drugs before helping him.
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Thanks theresa I do literally feel physically sick the qhilemsituation is making me ill.
I love and hate my son at the moment in equal measure.
He has had a lovely upbringing with an abundance of love and yet he chooses this way of life?
But deep down I know he is mentally unstable.
I feel for my youngest having an older brother like that.
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Hi all, I’ve been reading the thread and Bump I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles with your son.
I hope the girls information and advice will help you and your family.
My son also had a loving upbringing and a decent home.
I also feel sorry for his younger sister who has had to put up with seeing her mum and dad upset and walking about on edge all the time. It’s not fair is it?
Hopefully there is good news for you soon, we have to stay strong and remain positive.
My son is playing nice for the moment but payday is next week .
I’m staying positive that he’ll pay off his debts and go to his meetings.
Meanwhile you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Lx
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I’m not sure if this helps but my son was at his absolute worst and I was right on the edge and out of ideas when he turned a corner. I was dreading him coming home from his friends this time and I know it’s early days but this is the best he’s been for a few years. You never know when something will click. And I know that I can be back there again easily but for now I am hoping.
Lindyloo I hope your son gets passed pay day, without being silly. I am worried about my son getting his UC next week. At the moment his bank app is on my phone ????.
Bump – I really hope you get some good news, you deserve it.
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Thanks Gem, me too.
Sorry I’m such a tech dinosaur…
how does the bank app work?
Lx
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Jem …even!
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His account is with Monzo, and you access it through their app. He took it off his phone and put it on mine so that I can see what’s happening. He buys drugs online so it helps him to get off them if there is accountability and I can see what’s happening. Our peace is very fragile and I know we are one transaction away from being back at square one.
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Bump: I hope things went okay with your son today and that he has somewhere to stay.
My son is going away for the weekend which means a long train journey. He’s going somewhere safe but I worry about him flipping and ending up somewhere else. I’d rather he stayed than risk it all but I can’t say too much.
I hope everyone has a peaceful night x
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Jem thanks for info about bank app. My son buys off scumbag dealers and runs up big debts unfortunately. Im glad it works for you though.
Youll be glad of the break and I’m sure your son will enjoy the change. Fingers crossed for you.
Bump, ive been thinking and praying for you, positive thoughts!
My son’s playing nice so far, doing meetings etc, staying clean so far.
Pay day next week..positive thoughts…
Sleep well everyone
Lx
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Lindyloo: Your son sounds like he’s doing really well, he’s obviously serious if he’s going to meetings. I understand why your anxious about payday. I have said to my son that if he goes on a splurge I won’t bail him out, it will be no frills food and that’s it. I don’t think it hurts them to be reminded about the money they’ve had from us and the expectation that it’s not happening next month.
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ladies thanks so much for your support
thought i would update you ….so after a week of stress and the thought that my son wld end up homeless. At about 4.30 i got a call from the contact at the supported living place he is being kicked out of. After me asking for them to intervene with the housing department the council lady(and ill use the term lady to be nice as she was literally the most rudest and unprofessional person ive ever dealt with). anyway council have agreed to put up a bond for somewhere for my son to live and supported housing have agreed to keep him in their house and allocate a member of staff to help him find somewhere.
As long as my son abides by the rules!
Supported housing have also said they wld like to still try and help my son!!! After all this.
So they cant promise anything but if a place becomes available in another one of their centres they will try and get him a place.
So things a bit better, i feel less stressed but also realistic!
Ladies i really hope that your own situations continue to improve its a living hell.
and i have to say that if we had an economy that was more buoyant more money really needs investing in mental health and addiction services, the whole system is a nightmare!!
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Hi all
Bump, that’s brilliant news!
You must be so relieved that your son has been given this chance, and at least you’ll know where he is and that he will be safe. That’s all you want as a mum isn’t it?
Jem, yes son is doing okay just now, but I’m still worried about pay day. But I’ll try and focus on what’s happening now…that’s mindfulness for you! So fortunately things are going well just now, fingers crossed ????
Hope you all have a good weekend!
Lx
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Bump, that’s really good news and well done for taking on the council and supported living people. I hope that this gives you a bit of breathing space and that your son gets better treatment by the people who are supposed to help him.
My son has gone away for the weekend and we are having a couple of days away ourselves. We went out for dinner tonight, just the two of us which I think is the first time in nearly 3 months. It’s really nice but I will be relieved when my son makes it home.
I hope that everyone has a good weekend and that there are no unexpected ‘buckets of poo’ waiting to trip us up xxx
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Hello everyone,
Just checking in, it’s gone very quiet on this thread, I hope that’s a sign that life is relatively calm. My son is nearly 6 weeks clean from hard drugs. He is doing well but I can see that it’s a real struggle, he is smoking a lot of weed which I hate but I think its probably too much to expect him to come off that at the moment.
I’d love to hear how things are going for everyone, I know this is a slow and messy business but I hope things are going in the right direction.
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hi jem funny i was thinking the same!
assuming/hoping its a sign all is calm. so pleased your son has been clean for so long 6 weeks is a long time. long may it continue.
my son has been given a new chance with supported living he was due to move to the new house on monday. i managed to speak to him that day despite the fact that mostly i ve not been able to get hold of him and he hasnt been returning my calls or txts. he said he didnt feel well and had a fever so i said he shld be getting covid tested (hadnt occured to him that it was) so now he has to wait for. test and results before moving. Other than that i dont know how hes been doing drugwise as hes not here or communicating to me. im trying to be hopeful and also enjoying the calm before another storm hits!!
really hope everyone else is doing well no chocolate cake mess and poo buckets to deal with!!
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Hi all , glad we’re all calm at the moment , my son has moved into a bed sit , he doesn’t like it he has to be in at 10pm every night or so he says !!! But he’s coming round nearly every evening for food. He seems a bit calmer but he ‘mentioned ‘ he had split with girlfriend ( maybe she didn’t like his new pants) . I’m feeling more optimistic it’s the ‘happy pills ‘ the doc put me on and sleeping better. He said he’s off the drugs but iv be told he ‘placed an order’ his brother heard him . We went out for a family meal last night and it was nice. He doesn’t say much and I don’t ask .
JEM It’s very good that your son has been off the drugs for 6 weeks , and Bump it’s good to know your son is safe and has somewhere to move too and hopefully get the help he needs
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Hi all, I’ve missed you guys
I was thinking the same. Our boys must be doing well or better anyway.
Jem : -So pleased for you, great news 6 weeks clean!! Long may it continue.
Bump : Good news about the supported living. Im sure he’ll come round again, he’s probably still getting his head together, no news is good news sometimes.
Jenny: hope the bedsit works out at least he’s being a bit sociable.
My son has been clean 3 weeks!
Even since payday- seems to be managing although I know the 12 steps are hard going cold turkey and all. We’re seeing him regularly so I can see how he’s doing.
Take care everyone ❤
Fingers crossed this positivity lasts.
Lx
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Lindyloo that’s great news x
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Hi guys
Well, I spoke too soon. Here we go again, son relapsed again at the weekend. He lives in his own flat, he left us early on Friday night.
Spoke to him yesterday and he admitted it.
I’ve got that sinking feeling again, we’re gonna have to bail him out for 2 or 3 weeks until payday.
It’s happening just about every month now. I feel like we’ve been taken for a couple of mugs again.
Him manipulating and getting everything he wants then, as soon as he’s paid …..back to his alcohol and whatever else.
It’s getting so predictable now, im dreading what’s coming next.
I do hope your sons are all doing better and giving you some peace of mind just now.
God give me strength!
Sorry needed to vent!
Lx
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I’m so sorry Lindyloo, I know how you’re feeling right now, The constant cycle is exhausting. Maybe he is serious about doing the 12 steps, but just slipped. Perhaps just buy him some food if he needs it and petrol/fares to work. I really hope he picks himself up and carries on.
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Thanks for your reply Jem.
I tried to sleep, but got up again.
Yeah, I’ll probably do that, i hope you’re right and its just a blip.
I hope so too
Take care ????
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Sorry to read about your Son, hope your ok.
I wished they would realise what an impact it has on our life, but I know they don’t once the alcohol and whatever else gets hold of them.
Hopefully it will just be a blip. I know they find it hard when they have a lot of money in their account. My son spends loads on clothes at the moment, which is better than the alcohol and drugs, but you are always wondering what they are going to do.
Hopefully he will get back on track this week, doing his meetings and speaking to his sponsor.
Take care
Dx
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Lindyloo so sorry to hear that. I really hope it’s a very small blip and he gets back on track.
It’s such a rollercoaster I hope you manage to get some sleep.
I totally relate to what you said.
The fact he was doing so well means he can do it again.
Try and think of the positives as the negatives will weigh you down. I know that is easier said than done I just wish I cld write something that cld wave a magic wand for everyone.
I had positive meet with my son and felt bad that he looked so thin took him a massive food shop he seemed grateful and was nice to me but then yesterday I spoke to him he was back to being erratic and aggressive and hung up on me. So up and down and supported living dont seem to be doing anything.
I just feel grateful though hes not under my roof causing constant stress so dont feel I can complain.
Hope everyone is well and have some me time lindyloo to keep yourself sane.
Xx
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I have accused my son of stealing £5 from my purse , I knew I had two and then that evening (saturday) when I went to pay for shopping I only had 1 , also a month ago my lovely watch went missing , although I didn’t accuse him then , I mentioned it with the fiver Saturday evening when I tracked him down at the pub.
He says he’s not a thief but ! When he lost his flat he moved in with my mum who’s 84 and My brother , who Is on a lot of tablets due to his diabeties . I checked my sons backpack when he came to collect new clothes and my brothers viagra was in there.
He has stolen in the past , I used to have to take my purse to bed with me.
So he has sent a text telling me not to speak to him again ‘ until he’s dead ! ‘.
I have decided not to Feel sorry for him , he alone has decided to take this path .
Lindy loo I do feel for you the truth is your son bought the drugs as he knew you would bail him out. Next month take his wages of him or get them paid into your bank account until he can be trusted , take his bank card of him . My sister in laws son had a gambling problem and she Did this to control his spending. Make it a condition of you bailing him out this last time. Xx
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Thank you all ladies for your words if support. I can’t thank you enough, especially when I know you’re going through your own challenges.
Bump – I’m glad you met your son and it was fine for a bit, we know that he doesn’t mean to be aggressive, its the drugs that’s affecting their logic. It numbs their senses.
Jenny- sorry to hear that you suspect your son is stealing. Again, its the drugs, he’s not thinking straight, he’s been desensitised by them. You always have to sleep with one eye open, and looking over your shoulder all the time, don’t you?
I agree with you, by bailing him out every time, we’re enabling him. I’ll mention it to my hubby about taking his card or transferring his money. Unfortunately last time he bullied us into submission for it!
Debc – nice to hear from you too. I’m glad to hear your son is still drug free. Yes, they do see to find another outlet eg clothes. I think my son has ocd, whatever he does, it’s 100%. Can’t get counselling -doc says until he’s 6 months clean.
Again thank you all, I think we have a great support network here. Take care, big hugs to you all.
Lx
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Hi again ladies
I’m having a bad day, feeling low. Burst into tears a couple of times already today.
To cut a long story short son is missing work days because of alcohol and drugs. He’s really struggling and so are we (hubby and i) I’m seriously considering going private for counselling or rehab. I have no clue how to go about it. If they had a physical illness, you would try anything right?? I’m concerned for his psychological wellbeing as well as the addictions. Im trying to hold it together for the rest of the family.
All this covid stuff is compounding everything too.
Sorry to whinge, I know so many on this forum are a lot worse off than me. Just gonna have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it I guess!
I’d be grateful any advice.
Hope all is well with you guys. Big hugs to you all.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
So sorry to hear your having a bad time, sending you a hug.
My Son used to miss work as well, and it really does start to upset you when this happens.
As you know my son has been to Rehab twice, but I do believe it helps, they are usually run by people who have themselves been in the same situation, I met some great people at the Rehab where my Son was, so warm, welcoming and just really nice people, and some of them had been to hell and back on their own journey.
There is some information on here in the Story section about a lady who opened up a Rehab, it is not too badly priced to be fair, but your Son has to be the one to make the decision, it sounds as if he could really do with some help at the moment, I feel for you all as a family.
Your not whinging, your a caring Mum like the rest of us, take care and keep in touch.
Dx
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Lindyloo, I’m so sorry things are not good. Its so hard, like watching your child from behind a glass wall drinking poison and setting fire to their life. It’s soul destroying, when all you want is for them to function and have a happy life. I’ve looked at rehab this last time round and spoke to 2 people that run facilities. They both said that you really have to find the moment when they are desperate to get clean. Something that has helped me, I started counselling with an addiction counsellor (not for my coffee habit) to help me to help my son. I do 30 min a week and I feel like I’m talking to someone who really understands what this is like for family members.
I really wish none of us were here going through this, it’s shit for them and for us. I really believe they will all win their battles, we just have to stay sane while we wait. I hope your son holds on to his job because having that framework is a real benefit if he can manage. My son plays computer games all day at the moment and I think the boredom is quite dangerous in recovery.
I know it’s hard but your son isn’t listening right now. Be there if he wants to talk but focus on what you can control at home.
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Hi Jem, thanks for your reply, it really means a lot especially hearing from other mums in the same boat or similar.
Yes, its difficult, I keep getting flashbacks to happier days when he was a sweet little sensitive lad.
Its upsetting to see him so tormented by this evil addiction.
How did you get your counselling, through doctor? I’m in UK.
Lx
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Thanks for your reply Debc. I really appreciate it.
He has such a good job, if he did rehab, I expect he’d have to leave it. He looked so tormented tonight, it broke my heart seeing him like that.
If he left his job for it, he’d need to give up his flat i expect , i have no idea how it works.
I think he’s at the stage where he needs to do something before it destroys him completely.
Thanks again for your kind words.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Could he take some annual leave from his job? Or get signed off by the Doctor for a while? At least he could still have his job and not keep being absent from work.
It is so sad seeing them like it, and not knowing what to do for the best.
It’s great to come on here and be able to share and know that other people care.
Dx
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Lindyloo, I found my own addiction counsellor here in the UK, and pay £30 for half an hour. It’s worth the money because he helps me to remember its my son’s recovery and that he has to be in control. I get to vent my fears and frustrations to someone who understands the situation. I’m sure your son will come back around, relapse seems to be part of getting sober. Just remember your big girl pants are the bottom half of a superwoman costume 🙂
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I could maybe suggest that Debc, he’s had so many sick days though. Mentioning that he has an addiction has such a stigma attached to it. I don’t know how the company would view it, if they were aware of the real circumstances. They might not want him on the team.
Hopefully we’ll all get a good sleep tonight.
Thanks again Debc take care,
Lx
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Sorry lindyloo I’ve just read all this thread.
I really feel for you the good thing about his thread is we can share how we feel and vent off.
It must be heart wrenching to watch. I know as mums we want to help them and it feels like we are so helpless.
All the professionals etc I speak to say they have to really want the help and to stop but the problem is the addiction has control and they cant help themselves and as tpu say it torments them as deep down they do want to stop.
I hope you have luck finding something .
My son is so up and down he says hes stopped but i dont know weather to beleive him. he has rang up for money etc this week and hung up on me when I said no which makes me think that irrational response means the money was for something dodgy!
He tells me he gets no help at supported living other I guess than the roof over his head! I feel so grateful he has that house that I darnt ring supported living to question them on their support.
I wish this country did more for addiction as private rehab is so.expensive.
Big hugs to all..we will get through this.
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Hi Bump22
Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it, and your kind words of support.
I think he would be willing to try some kind of counselling or rehab but it’s so expensive. It might not even work.
Our sons are a worry, you feel helpless seeing them so tormented. At least your son is safe and he’s in contact albeit for cash. We don’t give ours cash either.
I agree about the lack of support for addictions from the government, it IS a mental health issue after all.
As parents we can only do what we can for them, but also take care of our own health and well-being.
Take care Bump, hope you have a good weekend and be good to yourself.
Lx
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Well, its all kicking off tonight.!
I had a nice relaxing day with my hubby, a nice trip in car to a coastal town, nice walk along the beach.
On the way back, my son phoned. He mentioned about owing money to some scumbag dealer. Needs it urgently blah blah. I said speak later, hes just left our house tonight yelling and bawling at us saying he needs to pay this guy or he’ll come looking for him.
After last month, we said we weren’t gonna do it again.
I said about looking after his account/bank cards etc. He went crazy, saying we’re not helping him . He left saying he’ll be beat up now. I can’t do this anymore, I cried most of yesterday, my heart is pounding out my chest, my daughter’s upset. Where’s it gonna end if we have to bail him out all the time.
Have we done the right thing by saying no, until he gives us some kind of commitment?
He’s away back to his flat now.
Sorry ladies, not a great start to the weekend is it?
Lx
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I think you have totally done the right thing. You cannot keep bailing him out he knows that bank of mum and dad will end up paying eventually even though you are doing it under severe duress.
The thought of our sons being beaten up is horrific but maybe it wld put them at rock bottom that they decide to really crack their habit.
Everyone I spoke to wld tell me me helping him is enabling him. I mean I’m still in our hideous addiction journey with my son but have decided I am not going to pay for his addiction. It will be never ending. Its horrendous that we feel nothing but love for our kids who only see us as walking cash machines. I really feel for you. Addiction is mental torture as much for us as living parents as it is for them. I hope you manage to relax and sleep tonight xxx
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Thanks Bump, your kind words mean a lot. Even as I’m sitting here my heart is jumping out my chest. Must be anxiety I think.
I tried to say it was hell for us too, and he really didn’t get what I meant.
We’ll see what happens tomorrow.
Hopefully we’ll all sleep tonight.
Take care and thank you again Bump
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
I know how you are feeling with your heart jumping out of your chest, I think it is anxiety, It’s a horrible feeling and only bought on because of their actions.
Glad to hear that you had a nice day with your husband, and then you get bought back to earth again, been there many times.
I had a conversation with my Son today about how it all affects us, and I told him that it was a living hell, but I really don’t think he got what I was on about, all they think about is themselves, very selfish.
Hope you can get a good nights sleep, take care.
Dx
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They dont get it..addiction is so selfish. But you have done nothing wrong. Try and take deep breaths …have u got a relaxation app or something? Dont let it make you illx
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Hi Debc and thank you Bump too
I’ve settled a bit, I do 5 min meditation and they’re good.
I remember when my son was working through the 12 steps, there’s a point where they have to apologise to the people they’ve hurt during their addiction.
So he knows…hes just forgotten, like you say, the addictions turn them into selfish, manipulating liars. The drugs actually desensitise them, he told me that too..
I hope and pray that our boys see sense soon, courage, hope and strength, I think thats the motto for them,
Good night and God Bless Ladies
Take care ❤
Lx
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You have done the right thing , you are not to blame – he will hopefully learn now that he shouldn’t buy drugs and pay later if he hasn’t the money.
If you had paid his debt he would of done it again and again and again and bled you dry.
Please be strong , he’s an adult and made the choice.
I Know it’s easy to say as he’s not my son but you know it’s true.
For his sake you had to say No .
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Hi Jenny, thanks for your reply.
At least im calmer now.
I’m standing firm with it, but my husband said, we’ll see tomorrow.
I said to my son, tell the guy he can wait til payday like the rest of us! He made me feel so mad.
I feel so sad all time, its like I’m in mourning for the son he used to be. Does that make sense?
I hope things are better for you just now.
Take care, good night
Lx
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I feel like that too .mourning for my old son..my living room is adorned with photos of happier times when he was younger..it feels surreal where we are with him now.
Sometimes it’s like this whole covid thing I just cant get my head round how life has changed.
Try if you can to put it to the back of your mind if tph possibly can and enjoy the weekend.
Go for a nice walk with your husband take in the lovely colours of the autumn trees…sorry if that sounds corny but when I’m feeling low and desperate I try to appreciate those things.
Xxx
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Morning Bump
Thank you for your words of support.
I agree with you, covid is definitely compounding things for us all . I really hope things are better for you and your son too.
I’ll go out with hubby for a drive and a switch off. You’re not being corny at all, the posh word for it these days is mindfulness…living in the current moment!
I do try to take pleasure in the little things these days. Otherwise I’d go crazy. I’m very fortunate to have my husband and daughter who are very supportive.
Thanks again, hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Lxx
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My son called my mum in tears , he doesn’t like living in the bedsit and his life is crap .
He wants to go live back at my mums but she can’t have him my brother says no .
I went round to see him he says he’s being bullied by the landlord , the rent is due tomorrow and he wanted it today , my son said he’s money only comes through tomorrow and the guy said ok but find another room by next month.
My son looks unwell , I think he’s hitting his ‘rock bottom ‘ I sat in the car and showed him his face in the car mirror. He looks like a piss head.
He finally admitted stealing my brothers viagra . I didn’t get a reason .
Iv told him to pay his rent tomorrow and look for another room in the next month.
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Hi Jenny,
I’m really sorry about your son struggling at the moment, and having to find another room. That must be unsettling for him, and really hard at the moment. Its heart-breaking seeing them sink like this. Its probably for the best that he doesn’t stay with your mum, you may have an even bigger problem to worry about. I hope he does turn a corner soon.
I still have my son home, he is 7 weeks clean from heroin but its so hard. I feel like he is running out of steam with it. He stays in his room all day, eats in there and only comes out at night when we are in bed. He is spoking weed, so spaced out most of the time and eating everything in sight. I just hope he turns a corner, because it feels so much like we have been here before. I feel guilty when I am at work, and we seem to bicker when I come home – the mess in his room!!! He won’t talk to anyone about what he’s going through, just wants to manage it himself. We went out for a meal the other night just the two of us, he ate a huge amount of food and got drunk. I just feel we are replacing one problem for another, its like he is so strong when he starts to get clean, but maintaining it is hard, hard work. Sorry I have grumbled on, it just feels endless at the moment.
I hope that everyone else is doing better and that there are positive things happening.
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God It’s hard , No sleep last night and my husband is getting stressed with him and Covid. The landlord was knocking on his door at 10am for the rent. He’s paid it so has 1 month to find another room , he came round and cleaned up , I know I not supposed to have anyone in but I class him as very vulnerable. He has threatened To overdose on tranquillisers . He shaved his beard and now looks cleaner and he has a job interview tomorrow .
No girlfriend they did split up. I have said the only way he could come back home is when he’s clean from drugs and booze.
It’s something for him to aim for.
Your son is probably bored and sleeping a lot , I wish they would get an addiction like running , or keep fit.
I would pay for a monthly gym membership if I knew they were open. Maybe that’s something your son would also like and Something to do .
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Hi Jenny and Jem
I’m sorry to read your stories today. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking and praying for you.
I haven’t met either of you but I know that you are both great mums who just want the best for
their sons. I wish I had all the answers but at least you know you have someone to tell your troubles to, on this forum.
We’re all pretty much in the same boat, so we all understand each other.
Jenny, I hope your son has a good interview tomorrow, maybe the prospect of a new job will give him something to focus on.
Jem, 7 weeks clean from heroin – that’s good progress . Maybe he’s still in withdrawal from it, are you able to get advice from anywhere on what to expect and how to taper him off weed?
I do hope things get better for you all soon.
My son is settled again for now, back to work, online meetings. I’m not getting my hopes up too much!
Unfortunately, my husband caved and paid the debt. Son has promised he’ll pay it back. I wasn’t happy but , we’ve said, absolutely never again. Fingers crossed again!
Thinking and praying for you and your families.
Always hear to chat
Lx
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Ladies I’ve just read your posts. I’m so sorry what you are going through. Jenny I hope your sons interview goes well it’s good he has even got an interview as just getting a foot through the door is difficult these days especially with covid.
Jem your son is doing so well I really pray that he gets strength from somewhere and keeps off the heroin. Although I know what you mean about replacing one problem with another if my son is off the drugs then hes on the drink he doesnt seems able to get through life without something.
It’s a shame Jenny that he split with girlfriend as she was probably and good focus for him.
It’s such a roller coaster.
I havnt heard from my son since last weekend when he asked for some money. I actually did a food shop for him yesterday and have tried all day yesterday and today to get hold of him to pass it on to him but he isnt picking up or replying to messages which makes me think the worse. And cross that the food may go to waste.
Lindyloo I totally get why your husband caved and paid the debt it’s so stressful. None of us need this as will as all the covid stuff that’s adding stress to our lives. I am meeting a friend tommorow having to meet outdoors…I am determined to have some fun even if I’m sat with a sodden lunch and watered down glass of something from the rain!!
Hope everyone gets to enjoy the weekend as much as possible. I think of you all the time and hoping and praying for all tour situations.x
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Hi Bump
Good to hear from you.
I’m sorry that you’ve not heard from your son yet. My son does that when he’s binged. He lies low and he tells us that he sleeps a lot of the time. I guess it’s the body repairing itself. If only they’d just send a text to say they’re okay though.
I usually send a daily text to say, ‘let me know you’re okay please ‘
Sometimes I get a reply and sometimes I don’t.
For the moment, concentrate on yourself, have a lovely time with your friend. I met a friend for coffee the other day and felt normal. It was nice.
Hope we all have a peaceful weekend, ill be thinking and praying for us all. Big hugs,
Lx
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Sorry ladies I need to vent off…finally have heard from my darling son(sense the sarcasm)
Hes been kicked out again and for the final.time from supported living for drug taking .
He is now homeless. I’m so stressed he cant come.back here with my younger son here and it’s cold and wet out ..I feel sick.
I cant beleive he has blown 2 chances at that place. I’m cross and stressed but equally so sad that this addiction has got such a hold of him and is destroying his life….oh and ours!
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Oh Bump, im so sorry to hear that, i don’t know what to say . It must be so awful for you and your family. Is there anyone on this forum, home page or Icarus trust that could give you some advice?
He may have friends who can let him stay.
Is this the rock bottom that they have to experience before they turn their lives around?
I read one of the threads whereby a mum had to put her son out of the house for same reasons. She said she didn’t see him for a while, then he turned a while later clean.
He’s been clean 8 years now and has a good job and everything, he even apologised to her for all he put her through.
When I read it , it gave me hope that a person can turn their life around if they are really strong and put their mind to it.
I hope and pray that he, and our troubled sons will see the light sometime soon.
Until then Bump, you can only be there for him when he genuinely wants to quit the drugs.
Please look after yourself and your family, I know its difficult to switch off, but you need to hold it together just now.
Always here for you ❤
Lxx
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Bump – I’m sorry sorry that your son has had to leave his supported living place. I can imagine how stressed you must be feeling. He’ll know that you love him, and as Lindyloo has said this might be the jolt that he needs. You have to prioritise your younger child right now. I think with Covid there is more support out there to prevent rough sleeping, and he is likely to have friends he can crash with. Have a look to see if you have a local homeless charity that will help people with substance issues. They might be more understanding than your local council.
At some point he will come round and will need support from his family in beating this. Something my son said recently: you can’t help someone who is burning down their house but you can help them to rebuild once they stop. Something like that, he was talking about himself a few months ago.
In Wales we are back in full lockdown for 16 days so no one will be going anywhere for a while which helps a lot.
Thanks for being there, I hope everyone has a calm weekend.
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Hello everyone. I’ve spent a good while reading through this post in full and it has been a difficult thing to read if I’m honest.
I’m an addict that has been using drugs in one form or another for the last 21 years. Although I’m not using any class A drugs at the moment I don’t class myself as being in recovery because I am smoking cannabis still but I’m finding a couple of joints in the evening when I’ve finished work is keeping me away from the crack and heroin and although the cannabis use isn’t an ideal solution it’s the lesser of two evils. When I read the way that you have been affected by the behaviour of the addicts in your lives it made me realise how much pain and suffering I have caused the people who have been supporting me over all these years. So much so that I just rung my mum to let her know how much she means to me.
I know it’s difficult for a non addict to understand what being an addict is like and how it makes the way we function and think all about the drugs but what I didn’t realise was just how much I didn’t understand the feelings of the family and friends that have had to deal with my addiction and everything that goes with it.
I’m sorry if this post doesn’t make much sense to anyone but I felt compelled to write something just to acknowledge the sacrifices you have all made in a financial, emotional and personal way. I’d like to wish everyone all the very best and I hope your situations improve and you and the addicts in your lives get the help you deserve. I know people in active addiction can be the most vile and disgusting form of a human being there is but I also know that is the drugs and not the person. I hope you all get your loved ones back to the people you know they can be. I don’t know if it would help at all but if I can answer any questions or anything like that I am happy to.
Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest x
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Jaynhissay, thank you for your post. I felt quite emotional reading it. I really appreciate you taking the time to put your thoughts and feelings on the forum.
I’m sure the other mums will also appreciate your words. I’m glad you found our post and replied.
We understand it’s not easy for our sons to stop, we know it’s an evil drug that’s like an itch you have to scratch. I admire people who are strong enough to change, enough to stop them from ruining their future happiness, and for their families who love them .
I think you should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far, and for ringing your mum.
Thanks fir wearing your heart on your sleeve, your kind message has given me hope for my son’s future. Im sure the other mums will agree with me.
Take care and thanks again, im sure any future advice you can give will be appreciated.
Lx
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Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am keeping everything crossed that your boys can do what they need to in order for them to recover and escape from the world of active addiction
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Jaynhissay – thank you so much for reading our thread and for being so honest and open about your own battle. I don’t think anyone would judge you for smoking a bit of weed, getting off the really hard stuff is amazing, your mum must be so happy to have you back. That’s so encouraging for us to hear about.
We know that being an addict is not a decision that our kids made. Lots of people experiment and don’t end up where they are. But I guess as a parent there is no easy way through as it’s their battle, all we can do is try to even up the odds a little, at best and stand by and watch. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I really wish you all the best in life, you deserve to be happy xxx
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Ladies thanks once more for your support.
Jaynhissay thank you for taking the time to post I too was very emotional reading it. You have done so well to get to where you are and I’m sure your mum is so proud of you.
I dont feel my son sees me as a supportive loving mum as he thinks I shld still be providing g a roof over his head and everything. I cldnt sleep last night knowing he cld be either banging on my door at any point or equally out in the cold.
Your right jaynhissay I dont understand being an addict but what is rock bottom? What can I do that will ultimately help him get on the right track? Has anything helped you? I’m so scared for him and for us as a family.
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Thank you Jaynhissay for your helpful post , it gives us hope that our grown up children can also find their way to be free from drugs /alcohol. What was your rock bottom ? Is there such a thing ?
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When I look at my son I think if that were me I wld be at rock bottom…homeless jobless he looks ravaged by his addiction I just despair at how dark a place he has to get to
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Bump – I’m thinking of you and your son. I don’t think my son started to help himself until he was out of all other options in terms of friends and a place to stay. It’s the hardest thing to have to watch your own child go through this. But you never know when they are about to turn that corner, it seems to come out of know where.
I just heard this morning my very elderly mum has been taken to hospital with a heart problem. I’ve neglected her badly while trying to help my son. When it’s your child it’s all consuming and somehow you have to stay sane for everyone else in your life and for yourself.
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Bump 22 sending hugs Keep strong xx
I would check if they are allowed to throw him out at this time ? Surely they have a duty of care .
Call your local CAB for advice .
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Jem, im sorry to hear about your mum. Don’t beat yourself up about it as you can’t physically be everywhere. I’m sure she’d understand. The best you can do is prioritise everyone’s needs – including your own.
I’m hope its nothing serious and she’ll be on the mend soon.
Bump- still thinking and praying that the situation gets better for you. You know that we’re all thinking of you here.
Take care
Lxx
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Jem sorry about your mum and dont feel bad as we know our sons issues are all consuming. You can be there for her now.
I hope its nothing serious.
Thinking of you.
Xx
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Thanks for your kind words. I just felt so bad when the paramedic called this morning. She lives 90 minutes away, and I visit once a week and sort out her food shopping and we have a meal. She is in sheltered accommodation so is safe but she’s lonely for family. Now she’s in hospital and I can’t visit because of lockdown, I just feel bad she is alone. I’ve not ever told her about my son’s problems but she knows something is up and doesn’t understand why she’s seen so little of him in the last few years. Before all of this my son would pick her up in his car and take her for dinner, then his visits stopped dead, and I’ve never really explained fully. He does visit her more now which is good. She’s not very understanding about mental health issues, despite having had her own problems.
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Bloody lockdown how awful for you. But if she doesnt understand mental health and drugs etc youndid the right thing not telling her you were shielding her from any stress and upset and that wldnt have been good for her health.
I have been on a real goose chase I cant get hold of my son his girlfriend or ex whatever she is messaged she says he told her took an overdose and was hospitalised and then supported living kicked him out but I just dont know if that’s true as it doesnt as up..also he told her he took 300 street valium which I’m sure wld have killed him?
Anyway his phone has gone from going straight to voicemail to ringing so I’m assuming g hesalive and has been able to charge his phone….I dont know what to do as I also cant let him back here anyway.
Life is a mess.
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Hi everyone I’m sorry for the delay in replying I’ve just got home from work. Jem I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is poorly I hope she makes a quick recovery and I am sure the extra pressure on you and the rest of the family is huge so please try to take care of yourself in all of this.
In response to Jenny and bump when you asked what my rock bottom was the honest truth is I had that many times when I thought I was as low as I could go but I’m not sure if this is true for every addict but I used to just adapt to the situations I found myself in and carry on. I did a residential rehab and was clean for nearly 9 months but relapsed just before Xmas. What I found to be really helpful from my mum especially was just been able to speak to her about the intensity of the cravings for drugs and I don’t think she was able to relate to the feelings personally but I think it helped her to see how passionate ( I couldn’t think of another word) and animated I used to get when trying to explain how i was feeling.
It’s must be so difficult to watch a loved one destroying themselves but until the addicts have had enough of it all and are willing to be open and honest with everyone who is a part of their lives and cut out the people who are associated with that world the only thing I think you can do to help further is try and take good care of yourself and the rest of the family so that when they are ready your ready too. I knew I was hurting my mum and causing her to be ill and I used to use more drugs in the hope of blanking that out but I think it’s so important that for us addicts to get an idea of what your going through and I would recommend putting it in writing to them. I found that I didn’t want to listen if I was being told but it was different when it was in writing.
Did you get to the truth about the possible overdose bump?
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Thanks for that jaynhissayy that’s helpful advice.
I didnt get to the full truth I’ve been piecing things together but have now had to report my son as missing. The housemates at his supported living place shocked me with how he had been behaving and the lack of support and said he died seems to have some psychosis. Noone has heard from him and about an hour ago I got a call from his phone but it had been found by a homeless person in london. I am sick with worry he has no phone or money and is acting in a very confused unstable way. Waiting for the police to get back to me.
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Hi Bump22,
I hope you receive good news about your Son.
Thinking of you at this very stressful time for you.
Take care.
Dx
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Bump: Thinking of you and your family, I really hope you get news that your son has been found safe.
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Bump, I don’t know what to say other than I’m thinking and praying for you and your family.
I hope he’s found soon, at least if the police are involved, things will start moving forward for you.
Take care
Lxx
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Bump22 sorry to hear this , please keep strong , and if you can on another phone ( as the police are calling you back ) call anyone he may know in London ? Where was The sheltered home he was in located ? Was it London ? Call back the phone and offer a reward for it ? £50 I’m in London I can meet this homeless person and get the phone for you ? And give them money ?
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Bump I hope your son is found safe and well I really do! I’ve experienced drug induced psychosis and it’s not a nice place to be at all. What drugs does your son use?
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My husband is on the way to embankment now the homeless guy gave me his own contact number and so my husband may try to get the phone although it doeant help us much and I’m worried about covid and my husband being in contact with people not washing their hands.
My sons supported living was in surrey and I’ve rang around the friends that I know and I dont know of any contacts he has in london. He also wont know to find his way to people without his phone and contact details.
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He basically takes either ketamine or street sanex and valium.
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Im sure your husband will take precautions and be safe . It’s important to get that phone as it will have details of the last person he called on it and maybe texts. I’m sure your husband will find out where it was found . Call his ‘girlfriend ‘ back and explain everything ask her what hospital he said he was at and when ! He may of been telling the truth. Have you told the police that he is now without His phone and money ? Speak to his girlfriend ask her if she knows why he might be in London ( it’s not too far from some parts of Surrey ).
It’s good that the homeless person called you and is willing to give you the phone , I hope your son is found safe .
XXX
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So he did go to hospital but he hasnt deliberately taken an overdose it was actually his usually daily overdosing of valium that he does as part of his addiction and supported living took him to hospital to be checked out and was apparently back at his house a few hrs later.
Yes your right about the phone I’ll get my husband to try and get it.
God I feel sick.
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I’ve spoken to.my husband hes up at embankment now and asking people if they have seen him hes going to call the homeless guy and get the phone.
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There may be people providing free food to the homeless who may have seen your son. Here is a link that lists locations and contact details. Hopefully by morning he will have turned up, but if not you may be able to speak to people who can help.
We are all hoping and praying for you, this could been anyone of us.
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Thanks so.much. my husband has now got his phone and security at the skate park on embankment saw him last night. But nothing further than that.
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Could you possibly go through the phone to try and see if there is anything on there that would give you a clue as to if there’s anywhere he goes to regularly or any other information that may be useful to help find him
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Bump – that’s wonderful that a security chap has seen him so recently. I know that you are worried that he doesn’t have a phone now, and I have been through that a few times with my son. He didn’t remember phone no’s but he could usually blag someone to log into his gmail account. I know how worried you are but I’m sure he’ll still be able to reach you.
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The phone is one hes only had temporarily I dont think he has anyone numbers as he called me to get his girlfriends.
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Hi Bump22,
You might be able to see the last people he txt or rang.
Great that the Security man remembered seeing him.
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Bump: Thought about you in the night, really hoping that you hear from your son today xxx
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Bump, ive been thinking and praying for you and your son. I hope you managed to get some rest.
Today’s a new day, hopefully police will locate your son.
Take care and stay strong.
Lxx
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Jem, hope that your mum is okay,
My parents are both well into their 80s. Its a worry when they take ill.
You look after yourself too.
Lxx
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Thanks Lindyloo,
I had a call late yesterday from the hospital to pick Mum up. She has a mild water infection. I came back with her and stayed over. She is up and about today and seems loads better. I hope that things are calm in your household, how is your son doing? I know our lives are about good days and bad days but hopefully he’s going in the right direction xxx
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Jem glad tour mum is ok.
After an awful night I for a call about half hour ago from my son.
He had got mugged on the embankment on friday of everything has 2 teeth missing and slept rough bit closer to home.
I’ve informed police….but now what ?ridiculous as he still cant stay here.what a mess.
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Bump22 – I’m so relieved for you that your son has turned up. That must have been a horrible experience for him. When my son disappeared at the end of August he was psychotic and I wonder if I could have got him sectioned which may have got him on a treatment path. Maybe it’s possible to argue that your son is a danger to himself, I think you said that he is a regular at a&e because of od-ing . You’d have to know exactly where he is to do this.
There seems to be no option in the uk to keep people safe while you wait for them to come to their senses.
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Hi Jem,
I’m so pleased for you that she’s home and nothing too serious, that’s a relief for you all.
My son has been cold turkey, attending meetings, meeting with new sponsor. Went back to work, ironically, his work is good and he’s getting a rise. Good news. So he’s quite optimistic and calm for now. Pay day next week, so fingers crossed that he’ll keep up the good work.
I feel I’m constantly on eggshells, but I’m trying to focus on the ‘now ‘ not what might happen!
I’m so thankful for this forum and the fact I can speak openly to others who understand and offer support.
Enjoy what’s left of the weekend, where lockdown allows of course.
Take care
Lx
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Lindyloo: That’s really good news about your son, he sounds very serious about getting clean. Brilliant that he still has his job, if he can keep going it’s so much better to have some structure.
I know payday is a big trigger, fingers crossed that he gets past it. I think it’s brilliant that he’s going to meetings and has support from people who have been there and can speak from experience.
It’s good for us all to hear something so positive xxx
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I’m so glad he’s been found .
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Jem that’s such good news and is so encourage g for us all.
My son is in a town nearby and now wasted on what I dont know. So although hes been found and not missing he is still street homeless. I just dont know where this going to end.
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Bump, so pleased for you , I’ve been worried for you. The power of prayer. At least he’s alive, I really hope he sees the light and seeks help for everyone’s sake and mental health.
Thinking of you all
Lxx
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Streetlink maybe able to help ?
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Thanks jenny funnily enough my sisters friend who helps deal with homeless through her church sent me street links details they gave me local council housing number but they didnt help. My son was a horrid sweary mess and looked out of it and said he didnt want help and said he doent mind living on the streets…I spent 4 hours with police officers in the cold. Finally got my son to agree to stay in a premier inn which he initially refused but at our expense.
We cant do it again and so I know the problem will be there tommorow. Officers telling me to take a step back as he is clearly choosing to live this way.
I hope everyone else is ok.
I feel totally drained by this weekend. And know more is to come.
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Hi Bump22,
Glad your son was found, and staying somewhere safe tonight. Hopefully he will realise how nice and comfortable he can be and reach out for further help.
Thinking of you.
Dx
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Bump i have nothing but admiration for you. You and your family have been through so much. You are so strong, I don’t know how I would’ve coped in your situation .
Hopefully if he’s sleeping in comfort tonight it will inspire him to see the light, and ask for help.
Try and be good to yourself tonight, enjoy being with the rest of your family. Don’t think too far ahead, concentrate on the now.
I was stressed to the max 2 weeks ago due to my son, he’s turned it around, im happy with that for the moment.
Take care, thinking and praying for you always
Lxx
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Lindyloo I need to echo your admiration for bump. I honestly do not know how you have coped with everything you’ve been through. I am just thinking back to when I was in a similar situation to your son and kept telling people I didn’t want any help but the reality was a lot different. I don’t know if this is something that your son would even consider but I would be willing to talk to him about doing something to break the cycle of active addiction. I don’t necessarily have all the answers but I can share my experiences of it and could possibly relate to the thoughts and feelings he’ll be having ????????♂️ like I said I don’t know if it’s a viable option but I would like to help in any way I can and give something back
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Hi Jayhissay,
You sound like a wonderful person, such kind words to Bump, I hope he reaches out to you.
Take care.
Dx
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Debc, I was thinking the same.
Some things are meant to be.
There are good people in this world.
Lx
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Lindyloo,
There are very good people in the world.
Thinking of you and everyone tonight.
Dx
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Hi Deb
Thank you for your lovely words. It has really hit me hard reading the posts on here and while I’m trying to do what I can to make amends to my family and friends that have had to deal with my addiction, I feel it’s important to be available to give whatever help I can give to others in the same situation
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It’s so hard sometimes to know what to do. It’s nice to hear from people like you, I know everyone is not the same, but at least it gives an idea of what you are going through.
My Son took me out for lunch today, paid for it and we had a really nice time. We can chat now and not having the lies is wonderful.
My problem is, that I worry too much and get myself into such a state, I believe that I am suffering from anxiety because I’m over thinking everything, I really don’t want to go down this road. I don’t want to put pressure on my Son, and this is really not me. I am usually such a strong person but I think the last few months are taking their toll now, but talking about it and putting it on here really helps.
I hope you continue to do well and keep in touch on here, it’s such a good place to be able to put all our thoughts.
Take care.
Dx
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Debc: That must be wonderful to be taken out for lunch by your son. It’s hard to just enjoy it for what it is, when you’ve been through so much. I think it’s probably going to take a long time to feel safe. I try to focus on the here and now but it’s hard not to let your mind race to the ‘what if.’ It’s really good that he’s doing so well and talking to you x
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In awe of the kindness and support here, it’s been a massive support for me. I’ve told my son that a snall group of mums support each other online (but not where), and he had been asking about Bump’s son. I think he has realised the hurt that family go through. Jayhissay it’s so kind of you to care about what happens here. Bump I really hope that your son will listen.
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Bump – maybe your son thinks he doesn’t deserve to be Safe and Comfortable as he ‘ruined ‘ his life through his addictions – he needs help , someone to talk too , someone to advice him . Someone to explain it’s never too late . Maybe you could call Drugfam tomorrow for yourself and family , they maybe able to advice you on the best way to help your son.
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Bump – maybe your son thinks he doesn’t deserve to be Safe and Comfortable as he ‘ruined ‘ his life through his addictions – he needs help , someone to talk too , someone to advice him . Someone to explain it’s never too late .
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Thanks everyone for kind words of support. Xx
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Thanks for your post Jaynhissay.
Good luck to you..
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Thank you. I do appreciate the supportive and encouraging comments on this forum.
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Hi,
Sorry if this is a bit random, I’m working from home, doing very boring stuff and thought about this little group and how we’ve come together through such sad and horrible circumstances. Thank you for being there.
Lindyloo: I know you will be worrying about pay-day. I hope that he is back in control of his head a little bit and is able to deal with having some cash.
Bump: Thinking about you, I hope that your son is not sleeping rough and has managed to get a place to stay, so that you and your family can have some peace and sleep at night.
Jenny: I hope that your son is doing better, I think you said that he had a job interview, I hope that worked out.
Debc: I hope things are continuing in the right direction for your son, it sounds like he is doing really well.
Jayhissay: – I hope you are having a good week, its lovely that you are here with us.
My son is happier, smoking less weed and currently not craving heroin – I am not complacent but so grateful for days like these 🙂
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Hi JEM,
Not random at all, it’s good to put your thoughts down and I for one really appreciate your kind words.
Like you, I am not complacent, but the good days are the best, and it’s so nice to see them laughing, being able to chat with them is great and spending some quality time too.
It’s really nice not to have that constant knot in your stomach too. Long may it continue.
Take care
Dx
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JEM he went for the interview and it’s the 2nd time THEY didn’t show up , it’s a company that gets work for amazon drivers . I told him if they contact him again not to bother .
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Hi Jem
Thanks for your message. I totally agree with you, it’s great to have this wee support group. You all sound like such lovely people, something positive out of something negative!
Yes, fingers crossed, so far so good, echoing Debc comments, enjoying quality time.
I’m still praying for us and our boys, thank goodness I have my faith and you guys.
I was thinking about Theresa, I hope her situation has improved.
Great to have Jaynhissay on board with us too.
Jenny and Bump, thinking and praying for you and your sons in particular. You are both so strong.
I’m back at work too, but at least it’s a distraction, and other folk to talk too(not this stuff though!)
Thanks for being there.
Lxx
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Ladies lovely reading your posts and agree we are lucky to have this thread because we can be there for when times are bad and give support and equally gain encouragement from when things are good.
I have just got home from dealing with more issues with my son he hasnt stopped drinking for days and slept rough last night.
His friends went searching for him while I was at work and found him with crack heads on sutton high street they bundled him in a car and got him closer to home. He is in a terrible state I got them to call paramedics but he refused to go to the hospital. I’ve made phone call upon phone call and managed to get him an emergency night in a travelodge paid for by the council.
I’ve also spoken to a place that is as close to rehab that I can find and is funded by council benefit..if I can get son to stay off drink and drugs long enough for an assessment and to stay off it as he needs to have been clean for a month he cld get a place but alot of iffs.
Hes in the worst state I’ve seen him and isnt thinking straight at all he has decided the crack heads are his friends.
All his real friends have turned into lovely young men and really care about him.
If it wernt for covid I know they wld take him in but they cant.
I hope and pray we get so.ewhere tomorrow as I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown. I’m supposed to be taking my younger son for an activity weekend this friday but with all this going on it feels ruined.
I really am feeling utter despair today. I cant beleive how we have to fight for any help.
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Bump – is it worth taking a video of your son and showing him he can see what he’s ‘really’ like .
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Bump22: I am so sorry to hear all of this, I know that your son mixing with the people he has chosen to hangout with must be really frightening. The fact that his old friends still care about him and go looking for him says a lot about who he really is. You’ve tried so hard to help him, and I really believe that when they are like this they are taking it on board but just not able to face up to the enormity of the fight to get clean. Whatever he might be saying he knows how much you love him. Please look after yourself and your family, you need to still be there when he does start listening – which I think is what Jayhissay said in one of her messages. From what I have been told by addiction workers, most people do get clean some just take longer than others. Things feel hopeless right now but he has a strong family who will support him.
I hope you do go away at the weekend with your younger child – just being in a different space will be good for your head. Praying for you xxx
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Thanks.jem big hugs x
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Bump your son is so lucky to have a supportive family and good friends. Its what he needs.
But you also need some time for yourself and your young lad.
I know my daughter needs extra attention when we’re stressed out with stuff that goes on.
I hope you have a nice break with your family and try and switch off
Take care ❤
Lx
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just wrote a long message on here and it deleted by accident which just about sums up my life!!….im almost so over my sons situation at the moment he was drinking at 9am and have yet to secure any accommodation.. had a nightmare day trying to juggle my job and sort and scuze my french his crap out!!
he still has no accommodation …and is doing nothing to sort it as he is just drunk all the time.
my husband and i even thought of getting finance to pay for rehab but after a few phonecalls we had a reality check as we wld be wasting our money if hes not ready to seek help for himself.
Ive given him loads of numbers today and he has done nothing even my sister risked taking him for some food and getting him to do it and now i’m scared as he’s been unwashed and rough sleeping cld have passed her covid and she cld pass that to my mum as she lives there.
i literally don’t know what more i can do…i’m half prepared for him to knock on our door tonight as hes lied that he has somewhere and i called the friend who said no.
Sad as it seems i half want him to get ill and admitted to hospital so at least he can get sober and maybe wake up to himself.
Sorry ladies i’m having a rant, cant beleive i have a son who has a drink and drug addiction and is sleeping rough.
Hope you all have had nice days and your sons doing well.
xx
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Hello Bump,
I have been reading your story on the Theresa thread.
Such a terrible time your family are having.
I too have a son who is an addict. I’ve been where you are now. Maybe a couple of years further down the line. My son and I were on our own. No husband, father or siblings. Just the two of us. This possibly makes the situation even more difficult. Less support for either of us within a family unit. All I have is my mum. It’s difficult for her too.
From my own experience I know when my son hit the – run out of options and no place to go – stage, he was taken in by other random addicts. There is a sort of code amongst the homeless addicts. Nowadays he sleeps sometimes in a car pack in town ( he does this when he receives his social money and doesn’t want to put it in the pot and share so to speak ) after a couple of days he begins his quest of getting back indoors by sleeping in drug dens. The only accommodation offered to him by the social services is a hostel in the city centre. My son prefers to sleep outside than go there. It’s a harsh life.
I have tried everything to prevent the downward spiral, but still it continues.
When the pandemic first began in March, all of the street homeless were put into B&B accommodation. Every homeless person off the streets in one swoop overnight. The government funded this for three or four months. The police heavily monitored the streets and the dealers found it difficult to sell their wares. So, during this time in lockdown it proved difficult for the addicts to access the class A hard drugs on the street level. The beginning of lockdown proved to be the happiest of times for me in, oh years, but it was short lived.
I would go into town to meet with my son, and he would be clean, smiling and happy. Such a change from the shell I Am used to. Grey, gaunt, pin eyed, begging outside Tesco express. Week after week I saw the improvement. It truly was a miracle. Then in August or there about, the restrictions were lifted, the dealers got there claws back in, and the addicts were thrown back onto the street. Glasgow is once again overdose city. Injectors are at their most vulnerable after abstaining for a while. Their system can’t cope when they start using again. My son has overdosed and been admitted to hospital for overdose three times in the last month alone. He has also been admitted for emergency surgery. Even after surgery the only option offered was a hostel for the night and a script for subutex.
Excuse my ramblings. This probably isn’t helping. I’m not sure which drugs your son is using. If he is not injecting then there is plenty hope. My advise would be. Do not give him money. If he is aggressive or has been in the past. Do not let him into your house. Also, you are correct about rehab, unfortunately you can’t make them go. They have to be willing. I did manage to set up a rehab facility with help from my GP and a charitable organisation. He didn’t turn up on the day and lost his place. It took so much time work and pleading on my part to set this up and after the failure, I haven’t ever reached a level of having enough energy to fight for private rehab again. The rehab offered by social services is impossible to acquire. Totally unrealistic for my son with his lifestyle to achieve a place.
Once your son understands you are serious, maybe he will hit his own personal rock bottom. Then he will come looking for help. You will know when he is ready.
There are so many of us going through this with our loved ones. I feel your pain.
Hope you don’t mind me hijacking your post!
All the best
Ivy x
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Hi Bump,
Your day sounds awful, and I’m not sure that counts as a rant 🙂
I think we’ve probably all wished our kids would get sick enough to be admitted to hospital so that maybe they get sober enough to start to make some good decisions.
Hopefully he will completely run out of cash to buy drink/drugs and that may be a point where he sobers up enough to think about what he is doing. Also, I’m sure as the weather gets colder he will think twice about being okay with being on the streets. Please look after yourself and your family, try and take a breath and regroup. I hope that you don’t get a knock on the door tonight xxx
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yes its bloody freezing where i am ..
i will put my wine jacket on and ease the stress…….lol joining my son a bit too much these days with the stress my recycling bin looked like we’d had a party this week!!
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I’d stick to gin the bottles are easier to hide in the recycling 🙂
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lol….funny at least we still have our sense of humour!!!
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Honestly if you’d seen our recycling the last couple of weeks of August, son trying to use alcohol to help in tapering off heroin and us just getting to the evening and rewarding ourselves with a bottle of wine just for surviving the day. It must have looked very bad to the bin men.
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It’s funny because I’m on a what’s app with a group of mums and when we were in full lockdown and cld only go for one walk we used to make ourselves feel better by looking at how bad everyone else recycling was!
One day my friend was so embarrassed she told her husband to keep back half the bottles as she was too embarrassed to put out for everyone to see but after her walk they decided it was fine as everyone else were just as bad!
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Ha ha,
I just worked out you mean empty booze bottles !
Ivy x
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Ivy, I read your story it’s heartbreaking. There is no punishment bad enough for the people who peddle this misery. It must have been lovely in lockdown to know that your son had a safe place to stay, and to see him looking well must have been so good. It’s so sad that they kicked them all out again and everything went back to normal. My son was on heroin and your experience fills me with fear, it’s so hard to break free from opiates, and there seems to be an element of timing and luck involved in them seeing the light. I feel so sad for you, you bought your son up without help and should have him helping you now. The stories on this site are heartbreaking. But I feel so lucky to have this support here. I have friends who know about my son’s problems, some are really lovely but some never even ask how he is like he’s a non-person. I hope you have good people to support you, no one should go through this alone. You will find the most lovely people on this thread.
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ivy you havnt hijacked our post its for everyone and so feel free to post we are all on here to listen and support.
i actually struggled to know what to write back to you as i cannot beleive what you have been through and on your own. it seems to make it so much worse to not have that support . And so this forum is so important for you to feel free to use and gain any support you need.
You have really been through it, which drug is your son on?
Will the restrictions and this 2nd wave of covid give you a reprieve?
such a shame for you that you got him a rehab place and he didnt show.. i can relate to that to a degree with what happened with me getting the suported living which he threw away…although there really wasnt much support.
Has your son reached any point of rock bottem?
Big Hugs you are amazing to be surviving this. Keep strong.
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Thanks ladies,
JEM – I get that non person thing all of the time!! I expect people can’t handle the reality.
Bump – My son uses a cocktail of drugs. There are more details in other threads. We aren’t completely locked down here in Scotland. There are more restrictions though. No government funding for B&Bs etc.
Unfortunately after my sons emergency surgery incident I had a kind of break down so I’m off work. I’m taking a break from his chaos for a while. Hoping to use my time to try and get well and then I’ll be stronger and of more use to everyone, myself included ????
Ivy x
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Yes you must put yourself first ivy. I’m not surprised you have been pushed to that point.
You have done so amazingy well. Funny but I havnt looked at other threads I think I posted and just reply to what comes in my email so have got to know the ladies on this thread. So many of us out there.
Stay in touch on here. It was nice to hear from you even I’d we are in a not great place with our lived ones addictions
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It’s so important to us to have support on this thread , even if it’s just to rant And let off steam .
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Hi ladies, been catching up on your posts.
I agree Ivy, a lot of people with addictions improved with lockdown. I know my brother did….he doesn’t think he has a drink problem though. I hope someone is looking out for your son and that he seeks help.
Personally I’ve gone off alcohol somewhat ..probably because I see what it can do to some people.
Spoke to my elderly mother tonight who’s quite spiritual.
Apparently it’s St Judes feast day today. Patron saint of homeless people and desperate causes.
I hope hes well listening…
Bump…i hope your situation improves, still keeping you in my thoughts.
Sending hugs
Lxx
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What a lovely thought Lindyloo,
I hope he is listening too!
Ivy x
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I think saint jude may have been listening my son is sober and functioning at least so far today and council have agreed to put him up somewhere for a few days or until hes got something else sorted..so am hoping this works out. I can now go away for the weekend and relax a bit. Xx
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Wow Bump that’s wonderful, I really hope he gets somewhere decent to stay and starts to look at life differently.
It’s great you are going away, I hope the weather improves it’s horrible here at the moment xxxx
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Hi ladies,
On lunch break..
Great news bump! The power of prayer, poor St Jude will be on overtime on this forum answering our prayers.
All good here too , so far so good..
Payday is looming…trying to be positive.
Thinking of you all
Lxx
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Something is working, my son got his UC and transferred it straight to my account 🙂
Lindyloo – thinking about your son with payday coming up xxx
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Jem that is a massive thing. I don’t know if you read my post about me transferring a sum of money to my mum recently because I didn’t trust myself with it. I went through a mix of emotion and internal battling once I’d done it.
It’s great he’s done that. Massive.
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Thanks Jaynhissay for your encouraging words. He is 59 days clean of heroin today, but I don’t take anything for granted because we have been here before, but this time feels very different, its like he is doing it for himself this time not just because he feels he should.
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That’s brilliant news I hope everything keeps going in the right direction
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Great news ladies Things are looking up , me and my son went for a smoothie yesterday and had a nice chat , he’s opening up a bit , and we had a lovely time walking about near the river.
He can’t come home and stay until I know he’s completely clean So He has something to aim for . He says he’s off the drugs I don’t believe him and he’s still drinking .
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Jenny – That’s wonderful Jenny, it sounds like he’s going in the right direction. Its great when you can enjoy a day out and they are like their old selves. I really hope that he keeps going in the right direction.
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great news jenny .
lets pray we all start going in right direction for a bit… but boy isnt this a rollercoaster
my son popped round as his replacement bank card had been delivered here following his mugging.He was sober and drug free and spoke nicely to us spoke to him about the rehab place he cld try and seemed willing.
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Lots of positivity today ladies.
I’m so pleased that your sons are gaining strength to fight their individual battles. Its been a good few days for us . God bless St Jude!
Yes Bump, it is a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs.
Jaynhissay – keep up the good work, we’re all proud of you!
Ivy thinking of you and your son and hoping your situation improves.
Payday tomorrow..fingers crossed!
Take care all
Lxx
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I wonder if anyone could help me by explaining when my partner comes home early hours obviously using coke and alcohol, but he sits up awake, what kind of things would be going through his head and same for when hes coming down off it? Hope someone can help
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I’m so glad I’ve joined this forum, all of a sudden I don’t feel so alone. I send so many good wishes to you all and have everything crossed for our children x
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hi ladies how is everyone and how are things?
ive had a good week…..compared to most weeks anyway.
However my son has taken to calling me about ten times a day.
sometimes its ok but most of the time its quite stressful, he sounds pretty good in as much as hes sober and not on drugs and so holding a conversation together but alot of it is constantly asking me for money and to help him out in some way or another. Ive just had a call from him which resulted in him being angry and aggressive because ive been holding my ground on paying things like his phone or contact lenses direct debits and he just errupted.
He has no sense of standing on his own two feet and thinks we shld be supporting him. hes 21 for goodness sake and has bled us dry. Ive already shelled out enough this week. i feel like a bad mum that hes turned out how he has, he blames me for everything, sorry ladies he ruins my days ive just blocked him today as i just cant bare the negative imoact it has on me.
sorry rant over.
hope you have a good sunday.
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Hi Bump, good to hear from you. I gathered by the silence that most of our lads are doing as well as can be expected.
Bump I’m glad that things are better for your son. It sounds like the situation is better than it has been in the past.
The anger and aggressive behaviour comes with the territory I guess. It always happened to me too when I didn’t give into my son’s constant needs and wants.
Don’t even think for a minute that you’ve been a bad mum! You’re doing the best you can and the rest is down to him. I used to think ‘where did I go wrong ?’ ..but its always been down to them and the choices they themselves make.
My son has been clean almost a month now…he got paid, we have his bank card. He’s attending daily meetings, going through the ‘ book’ with his fellowship and using meditation for his anxiety.
Thank you God and St Jude, I believe my prayers are being answered. I don’t get too complacent, I know every day is a battle for him, and the weekends are difficult. For the moment, im happy to take each day as it comes.
Thinking and praying for you all
Vent as much as you want, we’re all here for each other
Big hugs
Lxx
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thanks L, im so pleased your son is doing well. and yes hope the silence is a good thing for all.
im glad your prayers are being answered.
I hope my son stays on the straight and narrow and that he starts to see things properly.
Bumpx
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Hello everyone, hope your Sunday is a good one.
I have spoken to my son on the phone twice in the past two weeks. He was polite during the first call and we talked about Christmas plans. On the second call he sounded drunk. He wanted to tell stories of his week on the streets, but I just can’t listen anymore. He asked for money and I gave him £20. The sadness of the situation hangs over me too much of the time. I’m taking a break.
I’m a little scared too, because if my son did say he wanted to try and turn his life around. I’m not in a place where I feel I have the energy to help. I’m still exhausted a lot of the time. He can no longer come to my house, and it hurts that the relationship is so broken. My only son and I can’t trust him.
Lindyloo Im glad your son is making good progress. Sounds peaceful.
Bump, It’s so hurtful when they behave so selfishly. I think you are an amazing mum doing the best you can.
Ivy x
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Hi Ivy its good to hear from you.
I’ve been thinking about you and your son. I’m glad that he contacted you. You’re doing your best under difficult circumstances, it’s hard to know what to do or say sometimes.
I hope things improve soon for you both, circumstances can change so quickly when there’s addiction in the family. Either for the good or the bad.
Yes, son is coping OK for the moment, everyday is a battle for them. I just take each day as it comes.
Stay strong keep chatting here.
We all need each other.
Lx
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I’m glad things are looking up for some of us, all we can have is hope.
My son has been ‘pleasant’ he comes round every day , he lives in a very small room (bedsit) and he says coming round stops him from feeling lonely , depressed and going to someone else’s house to drink , I allow him in as I know he’s vulnerable. He has tried to commit suicide in the past.
He has agreed to a drugs test so I have ordered some of amazon and will ‘surprise’ him with it.
If he is without drugs then we have decided to allow him back home when his rent is next due as his landlord wants him out as he is renting the room and not declaring it .
With the pubs shut for 4 weeks this might be a good time for him to cleanse and get his act together but he will only be allowed home if he’s clear and agrees to various rules and random drug tests.
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Hi Jenny, good to hear from you too!
I’m glad that your son is being in contact with you. Better than than no contact at all, you can see how he is then .
My son also has been in daily contact as he gets lonely too. He’s working from home atm, so doesn’t see anyone.
I agree lockdown is a good thing for people with addictions. My son had to cut himself off from seeing a lot of his longstanding friends as he doesn’t have an off switch when he drinks. Then that triggers the cocaine use. Total abstinence is the only thing that works for him. Its a shame really, they’re young men and going out for a drink is the norm for most young men. I’ve told him I’m proud of him and what he’s accomplished so far, and to be strong.
The drug tests sound like a good idea, I hope this situation works well for you and your family.
Thinking of you all
Lxx
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I spoke too soon – the police have just left with him as he didn’t attend a court hearing last month for possession of cocaine ( end of July ) . He told me he had and had got a £120 fine .
It’s the 1st time he’s been nicked and taken away So they will probably hold him for a few days.
He’s calm at the moment but has no tobacco he went quietly.
A few days in a cell might do him good .
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ive only just seen this post.
how are things jenny?
what happened in the end with the police?
how is everyone else doing?
my son got his universal credit yesterday and has gone on a bender..i knew something was wrong as he wasnt picking the phone up to me or my messages..i then get a call in the midle of the night he was calling me drunk from a. hospital accident department, i had a couple of glasses of wine and took a sleeping tablet so cldnt pick him up but also dont think i should be doing it anymore as its never ending. he was ok and i spoke to somoene on reception at his hostel who have said that he is definately back there as hes been a pain all night being drunk and security having to constantly take him back to his room.
he has lost 2 phones last night ….something he does on a regular basis, thankfully a guy from the local council found one and i collected it.
I just dont know how much more i can take,,,i wasnt that nice to him on the phone as hearing him with his slurred speech and everything he is putting us through is making me so angry with him. I wish i cld be more patient and sympathetic but im just sick of the effect he is having on my life.
i hope everyone else is having a better time of things.
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Hi Bump, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I feel sad for you and the family.
Does your son not attend some form of counselling where he is?
Have you spoken to the Icarus trust – maybe they can offer some advice and support?
Please take care of yourself , you need to keep strong through this.
Lock down is compounding things isn’t it – usually you could go and meet up with friends and switch off. Try to find an alternative as you definitely need some me time!
My son is 5 weeks clean- we have his bank card. He has daily meetings, contacts his sponsor and we see him daily. He gets bored though, young guy, can’t see his regular friends or start a new relationship through covid. I feel bad for him, but proud that he’s remained strong so far.
Keep your chin up sister, sending you big hugs ❤
Lx
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Glad to heat your son is doing well. I hope he stays strong.
I cant see any light at the moment. Its soul destroying.
I just have to get through each day at the moment.
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Please don’t give up hope Bump !
Have faith, I think and pray for us and our boys daily.
Things can turn around so quickly with a person with addictions as you know for the good, but unfortunately for the bad. I don’t get too complacent these days.
But I am hopeful for a better future for us all.
Always hear for you.
Lx
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Hi Bump, I’m really sorry to hear that your son is struggling at the moment. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, I don’t think there is anything harder than watching our children messing up their lives like this. It’s so easy to say but try and focus on the family members that you have at home. I really believe your son will come around. He’s shown that he can stop if he wants to. Looking back over the last few years with my son, I realise now that I was wasting my time until he was ready to hand over his bank card and seek real help. It’s hard but try and keep in mind that at the moment his behaviour is the fallout from addiction and not who he really is. He’s not a bad person, he’s just firmly in the grip of what really is a mental health condition and only he can fight it. You have to protect yourself so that you can help when it’s going to make a difference. Have you ever spoken to Drugfam? They have people that you can talk to, they are volunteers, the majority of them have been where you are now. I found them really helpful when I first found out about my son’s drug problem and also a few months ago when he relapsed. You will get through this but please get all of the help you can. You sound like a brilliant mum and underneath all of your son’s anger, I’m sure he knows this xxx
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Hi All , well my son was carted off in handcuffs by the police and taken to a cell , had a zoom call with court the next day and was given a £180 fine . He’s moving out of his bed sit this weekend and moving into a room hopefully he”ll prefer it as there’s not internet at the bedsit and the owner complains about using electric – he’s only been there a month.
We’re getting on better he had told me he’s off the drugs but allowed me to do a drug test on him and it came back positive for coke and weed and speed. Silly bugger.
I’m going with the flow , he’s not moving in until he’s drug free and no more money.
I know this is not my fault he hasn’t a cut off valve – although we do blame ourselves , he”ll stop when he’s ready !! That’s the Prozac talking they help !!!
Wishing you all much love and we are All mothers with our own burdens but there’s always hope xxx
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Hi Jenny,
Sorry to hear about your son getting into bother but it’s good to hear you’re getting on better with him.
I think of you all often and wondered how everyone is doing.
I’m so glad we’re all here for each other. Of course none of this is our fault, it’s all down to choices.
I pray that they all get the strength to get better and fight these addictions.
Night night
Sending hugs to you all
Lx
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Thanks ladies for your comments and support. My husband and I got babysitter..my sister actually as obviously everything is impossible and not allowed in lockdown
but we needed to go looking for him..thankfully we saw him straight away as I’d got a call from a random stranger who was on a tram with my son and as hes lost his phones asked her to call me..she did but between us didnt know what he was saying but she was able to tell me where he was headed and that she said he was in a terrible state.
We persuades him into the car..again adding to the stress I was stressed about covid but even got him to wear a.mask and drive him the 45 minute car journey to the hostel. I hope he stayed there and today he wakes up and sobers up. We cant do that every night!
Although we tried to keep our humour and told my husband it was the closest weve got to a date night in ages!!
Hope everyone has a good weekend. I think I will call drugfam today.
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Hi,
I hope that things are calm-ish tonight for all of us.
Bump – i hope that your son stays home tonight and that you and your husband can have a break from the drama.
Jenny – I’m sorry that your son had a brush with the police but he does sound like he’s starting to see the light.
Lindyloo, things sound really good with your son. It’s still scary though, I wonder if that ever goes away.
My son is about 81 days clean from heroin and he and I went away for a few days (we are not in lockdown). It was really nice and we just walked and talked and ate takeaway. This time last year we were barely in contact. He lived miles away and I had a nagging fear that he was using again. I went looking for him, and found him living in squalor and he just told me to leave. It was such a horrible time, and took months to get to see him again. The fear of going back there never goes away but I think that he can see a future for himself now. He has had loads of false starts, it’s hard to deal with, that relapse and doing stupid things is all part of recovery. Tonight I’m opening the Prosecco and chocolate and trying not to think about it.
Thanks again for being there, I really hope that things are okay xxx
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Oh wow.jem that is so.inspiring I am so pleased for you . I hope and pray all our boys get there and we can live in peace xx
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Hi Jem, brilliant news, I’m so pleased for you and your son.
At least you feel that you have breathing space and start feeling normal again.
Its great to hear such positive news and as Bump says, inspiring.
It gives others on the forum hope that things can change for the best.
My son is staying strong so far too. Over 30 days now, thank God and St Jude, and my son’s determination to fight this addiction .
Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.
Keep in touch
Sending hugs
Lx
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Lindyloo – your son is doing really well and he has managed to hold down a job despite his problems, that can’t have been easy. I hope you have a good weekend x
Bump22 – your boy will get there. I don’t know many parents who would do the things that you’ve done to try and protect him from himself. I’m sure he knows that he’s very loved and has a life to go back to. Sleep well x
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JEM it’s nice to hear that you and your son are building bridges and managed to get away for a few days .
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Hi all, I have been keeping up to date with all of your stories and glad that things are working out.
My Son is so much better than he used to be, but sometimes I can see little things creeping back in and this puts me on edge.
He has a friend (female), he goes to see and stays over (good friends, lol), but I know occasionally that they have a drink, and this really worries me, I know before that the drink use to lead to cocaine, I have seen no signs of it, and I have asked him, I really couldn’t put up with that again, life was hell as you all know.
I was reading a story last night on here and the person concerned said her partner/husband was clean for a long time an then it appeared again, I felt really sad reading it, my first thought was, this is never ending.
My Sons Mental Health is all over the place, he is on medication and that seems to help. He does hold down a full time job and is good at what he does.
Sometimes I try to step back and just go with the flow. I do not allow him to have alcohol or anything else in the house. Most of the time it’s good, but always get nervous when he goes over to see his friend.
It’s so good to be able to chat on here, I think it helps just to be able to put your thoughts down, I know this has helped me today.
Take care all.
Dx
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Hi Debc
I’m glad to hear that things have improved with your son’s situation.
I understand what you mean.
You, like me and us mums, have been there so many times before, you feel like you’re always looking over your shoulder and can’t properly relax.
I’m the same, I jump to conclusions before I know the real facts. We’ve just got to remain positive and hope that they are being honest with themselves and us about their lifestyle.
We don’t drink around my son or have any in sight just in case it triggers him. I even change channels on TV if it shows drink related stuff!
I would be nervous too, it’s because we’re git used to always expecting the worst.
Either he has to be brutally honest with you, or you have to trust his word in my opinion. As long as he still does daily online meetings to keep him on the right track.
Try not to worry Debs,
Always here to chat ,
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Thank you for your kind words.
He still does a few meetings but not like before, I think he thinks that he can do it on his own, but knows deep down he can’t. He says he wants a normal life, but don’t we all at the moment. He still has contact with his Sponsor, but has not continued doing his Steps, which of course he would have to start again. He was told that having a relationship was not a good thing to do, but I suppose they have their needs, so to speak, and he doesn’t see it as a relationship, it’s just someone he says that understands him. My view is that they want to try living with them, l.
So glad that your Son is doing well, he sounds as if he is really trying now which is great for you and your husband, long may it continue.
Sending positive thoughts to all.
Dx
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Hi All
I just wanted to post to say that I think of you all often and hope and pray that all is well with you and your sons.
My son is still doing okay so far, 6 weeks clean. I know its been hard for him, but as long as he’s making the effort, I will support him wherever I can.
Let’s hope this new year 2021 will be a good year for us, and a turning point for those who are still struggling with their addictions .
Sending hugs to all
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Great to hear your Son is doing so well, very pleased for you and him.
My Son is ok, but only just ok I think. I know he has the occasional drink, but not at our house, I don’t want to start that, he says he hasn’t drugs, but I’m not 100% about that, this is the only place that I could put that.
Most of the time he is ok, but occasionally I see glimpses of his old ways and I never want to go back there. I think the annoying thing is that he has all the tools to help with the addiction and lots of people he can reach out to, but thinks he can do it on his own, but I know he can’t.
I hope your Son continues doing well, it’s a long journey, but will be so worth it in the end.
Hope everyone else is ok.
Take care.
Dx
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Hello,
I was going to post as well today, I am constantly thinking about the people on this forum, and hoping and praying that things are improving.
Lindyloo – really please that your son is doing well, 6 weeks is a big one, I have a lot of respect for your son, in hanging on to his job while dealing with this.
Debc – I know that fear of recognising subtle signs and not really knowing, I think that probably hangs around for years. You’ve been really supportive and it sounds like its paying off.
Jenny, Bump and Ivy – I hope that life is peaceful at the moment.
My son has done 95 days, I count the days I know that’s probably a bit sad. Its not straight-forward, there are plenty of bumps in the road, but it’s a million times better than this time last year.
Jaynhissay – I hope that life is good, reading your posts helped me to understand my son a little better – thank you.
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Hi Jem,
That’s amazing news about your Son, brilliant.
I used to count the days as well, I think it helps.
Going to read Jaynhissay posts again, it might help me a bit more.
Long may all the good things continue.
Take care
Dx
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Hi ladies, good to hear from you.
I feel I already know you, albeit through our sons situation.
Debc, it sounds that at least , he’s still trying, and things are better than they used to be, but I guess it’s all down to faith, hope and trust. Less pressure on you too.
My son says his daily meetings are now part of his life to get through this. I know he’s supporting others in the fellowship and this also helps him. He can’t have any amount of alcohol as this triggers the need for cocaine for him.
They also just need to know that they’re still loved.
Jem, great news and such a relief for you too. Lets keep everything crossed and pray that he is strong enough to keep it going.
I hope you are all looking after yourselves as you deserve it for being such supportive mums.
Sending hugs
Lx
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ladies lovely to hear from you and so pleased to hear that your sons are doing so well.
Sadly things are still very stressful at my end.
ive had to deal with several muggings, and all that entails.
lots of calls of threats to commit suicide, him going missing allsorts.
yesterday spent my day moving him to a new bedsit as the last place kicked him out as they felt his behaviour is putting himself and others at risk…
so the stress continues but he was drugfree and sober yesterday so i will take the small bits of hope ……
keep in touchx
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Hi All , Glad to hear some of our ‘men’ are seeing the light and working towards being healthy , and sorry to hear that your son Bump isn’t quite there yet!
If he is mugging people he must be desperate , for money , isn’t there anyone in the family that could talk to him ? Or getting help from the doctor? . For you and him .
My son moved into a new bedsit and all was well for a week , but he hasn’t answered his phone this last week , he did a bit of work so had money and has probably (for sure) gone on a bender.
He owes a court fine of £180 that he was going to pay With his earnings but I bet he hasn’t as I have the paperwork so if it’s not paid he”ll go to prison . I won’t bail him out , he’s gonna learn.
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sorry jenny i know what you must feel like when he doesnt pick the phone up as im the same.
lol, no it him thats been mugged not mugging people. lol. he gets himself into such a drug induced drunken state he becomes an easy target.
Ive asked him to speak to a doctor and he wont.
lets hope that he does pay fine. hope is all we have some days.
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Hi Bump and Jenny
Its lovely to hear from you both but sad to read about the boys.
So difficult for you , we love them as our sons but hate the addictions and the damage it causes. There are some sick people on this planet…imagine mugging someone who’s vulnerable like that, despicable!
I do hope and pray that they see the light soon, there are also some good people out there too, like recovering addicts who support others. I know many of them in the AA fellowship are helping my son through this tormented time for him.
I wish you all well, keep in touch , baby steps, they’ll all get there in the end. Have faith, hope strength and trust and whatever else might help you through the days 😉
God bless, sending hugs
Lxx
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They even mugged him of his coat on a freezing night.
I just hope that all these awful things our boys are going through will lead to that lightbulb moment that their addictions have got them into those situations and that their reach rock bottom and change.
I said to my husband today if i win euromillions i will be setting up a charity to help mental health and addictions. Its so stretched and under resourced imagine what the 175 million jackpot could do.
first thing would packing my son off to the priory!
god blessx
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Hi Bump,
That’s what I always say, if I was to win the Lottery or something. My Son has been to Rehab, and the people who were the workers (in Recovery themselves), were the most genuine, kindest people, but they only have 2 Rehab places, and of course they cost lots of money which isn’t ideal for most of us, and the waiting list for anywhere else that can help is very stretched, so like you, I would plough they money in to helping people like our Sons.
I can’t wait for the light bulb moment.
Take care.
Dx
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Bump22, I would totally do the same, Lotto win or not, there’s so much more that can be done much earlier, if I ever get the chance I’ll do the same. I also think to a degree there’s much more that can be done to battle the war on drugs at source. My bf is a lifelong crack addict, he’s an intelligent, charismatic and wonderful guy, but behind closed doors (expect for me and his inner circle) he’s battling addiction on a daily basis. He enjoys the buzz and the battle though, he says he wants to stop, but a big part of me thinks there’s no way that’ll ever happen, which is heartbreaking.
Sending care and support xx
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What a fantastic plan, I wish to God someone would set up something like that up and down the country.
I remember Ivy’s post, she was so frustrated at the lack of support for people with mental health and substance abuse addictions.
No help from the Government and even less now since Covid.
There is so much support for other vulnerable groups but the addiction one seems to be the big elephant in the room no one wants to talk about.
Maybe one day that dream will be a reality, we could all meet up and do a demonstration or something!!
For the moment I’m happy to deal with each step at a time, celebrate small successes.
I feel more empathy for homeless people, you can see how quickly things can change. It IS an illness of the brain, I wish I could do more than pray for them.
That’s me off my soapbox now, let’s all hopefully have a nice, peaceful weekend.
Take care all
Lxx
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How is everyone?
My son has relapsed again he seems to do a week off everything but then relapses for a week or two.
Hea close to kissing his b2dait which hes only been in for about 2 weeks.
I’ve been crying alot and not sleeping and dont know when I’ll ever enjoy life. I dont feel any joy with this going on.
Only my younger son keeps me going I put on a brave face and plough on for him.
I just wish I cld escape this hell.
Xx
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Hi Bump,
I really know how you are feeling, and your right it is hell. It’s so good to have this Forum and be able to share with everyone on here, so glad I found it.
My Son is doing ok, but I think his mental health is not good, up one day and down the next, and all the while treading on egg shells, which is no way to live. Most of the time it is good, but on the times it isn’t, it takes me right back to the really bad times and I think my health is suffering from worrying and getting anxious.
I think we have to remember that none of this is our fault, very hard to do at times.
Enjoy the good times with your younger son, and keep going. I only hope that one day we can escape.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump and Debc
Oh Bump, so sorry to hear that, you’ve had such a time of it, I’ve got nothing but admiration for you. Trying to hold it together for your young son and dealing with this evil addiction your son is fighting.
I think of you and your families often and pray for us all.
My son sent me a little quote thing, and a line said, love the addict but hate the addiction.
I keep reminding myself of that.
My son is 60days clean, he had a bad week last week and I thought I was going to relapse, but thankfully with his fellowship guys support, he was strong enough to get through it.
I was really upset too, sobbing etc, here we go again, fortunately my young daughter got me through it.
Debc- don’t give up hope either, it’s down to him now, he knows the strategies to cope. Please look after yourself you’re doing the best you can too.
Take care of yourselves ladies, you are my strength too, keep positive. I know its hard, but stay strong.
Sending you both big hugs
Lxx
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*mistake…I thought HE was going to relapse …
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Hi All , bump I’m sorry to hear your son has relapsed , is there anything with his 1 week ok then 1 week relapse ? Maybe someone he sees.
My son has just visited for dinner , he’s vulnerable so as far as I’m concerned I’m his support bubble , he was sober tonight although last week he came drunk.
Money if he has it he’ll spend it on booze and drugs , if he hasn’t then he can’t.
I found that going on anti depressants have helped me , maybe that’s something you could look into Bump for yourself.
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Liberty , I don’t know what to say , I hope he sees how lovely you are caring for him so much .
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Good afternoon ladies I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with the forum. I hope you are all doing as well as possible
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I hope all on this forum get to enjoy christmas . It’s been a hell of a year we have covid and all that comes with it plus our loved ones addictions I wish the best to you all.xx
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Hi all
Still thinking and praying for us all here. I think of you all often.
Hopefully we’ll all have a safe and peaceful Christmas and New Year.
Take care ❤
Lx
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Hello everyone,
Well, my son disappeared for two weeks with no way to contact him. Then, he called about an hour ago, very drunk, sad and in a mess. He wanted to do a two hour walk to come to meet me so that I would give him money. I can’t transfer monies into his bank account as he has lost his bank card.
I had to refuse him coming to meet me at a friends house as he could turn up at 10pm, 2pm or not at all. He was crying down the phone that he will now need to sit and beg until he makes £25
He is so out of it he hasn’t quite grasped that the town is empty as everything is closed. I have been in touch with the people at the Simon centre that tell me they will find him a bed in a hostel for the night if he contacts them, but he clearly doesn’t want to do that.
My fear now is that he will turn up at his grans and harass her and then the police will be called. So, once again a stressful evening for my mother and I. It’s impossible to relax.
He doesn’t even seem concerned about where he will sleep. He only wants more money to become more hammered.
Thanks for letting me vent.
My son is invited for Christmas lunch at my mothers; even though he completely ruined it for everyone last year. If he turns up we will make it as pleasant as we possibly can for him.
I do hope everyone has some joy on Christmas Day, myself and my poor wee mum included and that our boys are lucid and pain free
Lindylou, pleased to hear your son is still doing ok. There is always hope it seems!
Ivy x
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Related to all you said. And u have all.my sympathy. I hope he will surprise you and u have a lovely day.
I’ve been a mess and spoke to dr today in a blubbering mess and now have some antidepressants.
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Thanks Bump, fingers crossed. I have been on and off citalopram for years and beta blockers for the anxiety . I’m not taking anything right now. I think I’m used to the depression, but struggle every day with anxiety. I’m really scared as I think my personality is changing.
I don’t know if you have used antidepressants before, if not be prepared to be more tired than usual for the first few days. I think the effect they have is that at last some of the pent up stress and overload of adrenaline actually has a chance to leave your body. They really helped me and I would take them again.
I’m a mess too. I’m at home with my phone off and am having a night cap. There is no chance of me being relaxed enough to watch a film or even contemplate reading a book.
This group is a godsend.
I am here for you if you ever want to talk or ask any questions. I know I am new to the forum, but hand on heart , I don’t know what I would have done last month if I hadn’t found all of you ladies on this post.
Ivy x
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Hi Bump and Ivy
I just wanted you both to know that I’m thinking of you, I hope and pray that your sons lives will turn around for the best.
I have nothing but respect for you both, you are so strong to deal with this nightmare you are going through. I don’t get too complacent these days I know how quickly an addict in recovery can change. But I’m grateful for these last few weeks and hope that my son can remain strong , especially in these trying times.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this and hoping you both have a peaceful Christmas.
Take care
Lxx
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Hi Bump and Ivy
I just wanted you both to know that I’m thinking of you, I hope and pray that your sons lives will turn around for the best.
I have nothing but respect for you both, you are so strong to deal with this nightmare you are going through. I don’t get too complacent these days I know how quickly an addict in recovery can change. But I’m grateful for these last few weeks and hope that my son can remain strong , especially in these trying times.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this and hoping you both have a peaceful Christmas.
Take care
Lxx
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Thanks Ivy I’ve been put on citalopram too. I’ve decided to start taking them after xmas day in case this time i get some side effects as I last took them years ago for post natal depression and when my dad died.
Ladies thanks for all the support and thinking of you all. Xx
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Hi all,
Wishing you all a very Happy New Year, hope you have had a good Xmas.
I pray that our sons will start off the new year being positive.
Take care all.
Dx
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Yes let’s pray for a better year for all of us. Xx
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Happy new year xxx
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Hi,
I’ve just caught up on recent posts, Bump and Ivy, yours are heart-breaking to read. No one deserves this, I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
I’m sorry for not responding sooner, my mum has been very ill and cannot walk at the moment, so I’ve had to stay with her. I am not sure what is going on with my son and haven’t seen him for 2 weeks, because my mum lives quite a distance from us. He has taken back control of his own money which is never a good sign, and for some reason its all gone. I suspect that he has used again and is back in withdrawal, as he is now feeling unwell in a non-covid kind of a way. I have some cover for my mum for the next few days so will see him again tomorrow. Sometimes you just get a horrible feeling, the signs always seem to be the same.
I really hope that we all have a better 2021 than 2020 has been. As others have said, I get so much from this forum and am so grateful for it.
God bless xxx
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Happy New Year to all my sisterhood here on the forum.
I’m so thankful we have each other to share our ups and downs ????
I hope and pray that 2021 will be a happy and healthy year for us and our sons.
Thank you all for your support and God bless you and your families.
Sending hugs across the miles.
Lxx
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Oh jem I hope your mum is better soon sounds like you have alot to deal with. It’s awful isnt it when our intuition tells us that something is up especially when its proven right. I pray for the day for all of us that we will be proved wrong.
I had to pick my son up from a police station first thing on xmas day…nothing says merry xmas like a call like that!
He wasnt in trouble he was found on the streets in the freezing cold and they had taken him there and given him some food.
He had been on a 2 week bender which was really traumatic and we had said he cldnt come for xmas based on it. That night the friend he was staying with and him got in a fight and he lost all his keys phone etc and decided to sleep rough.
Anyway I picked him up xmas morning and despite being very emotional due to coming down off everything he came to us and stayed for 3 days and was actually the best I’d seen him. He was engaging and chatty at mealtimes but spent the rest of the time in his old room so I guess out of a bad situation we had a nice xmas.
My new years resolution is to keep taking a step back and trying to put myself first.
I had a reaction to my anti depressants and am now waiting for covid results.
I’ve joined a support grp too which has weekly zoom meetings.
They reccomended a book called dont let your kids kill you! I havnt bought it yet but it’s a self help book for parents of addicts so I reckon may be a helpful read.
I hope you all had good xmas and made the best of the covid restrictions etc and our addict loved ones wernt too burdensome.
Thanks for all your support on here it helps to know ypure out there.
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Hi Bump, good to hear from you.
I guess out of a negative situation you got a positive one, in that, you spent some quality time with your son at Xmas. I hope and pray that he turns his life around this new year. I’m glad you are trying to concentrate on your own health and well-being although I know sometimes it’s hard to switch off.
Jem- I hope your mum is feeling better, I guess you just have to prioritise needs.
Again I hope and pray that your son will see the light and change his ways. I’ve read a few success stories over the last week or so, it definitely can be done.
Hope you’re taking care of yourself too. My son is still doing fine atm but I don’t ever get too complacent.
Take care , sending you hugs.
Lxx
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hi Ladies been a few weeks since anyone posted so I am hoping that means things are going well for people.
How is everyone?
Im just recovering from covid which has been a bit scary and knocked the stuffing out of me. It hasnt helped that my son has shown no consideration.
Im feeling pretty fed up with the situation now as he seems to wallow in his situation and even when i was bed bound and breathless with covid he was ringing and being demanding and selfish.
How bad a mother will i be if I just block him out of my life? as Im sick of being miserable because of this path he is on and seems to enjoy his victim mentality.
sorry another moany post from me!!
before these addiction problems I was a cheerful person who enjoyed life its totally changed the person I was.
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hi Ladies been a few weeks since anyone posted so I am hoping that means things are going well for people.
How is everyone?
Im just recovering from covid which has been a bit scary and knocked the stuffing out of me. It hasnt helped that my son has shown no consideration.
Im feeling pretty fed up with the situation now as he seems to wallow in his situation and even when i was bed bound and breathless with covid he was ringing and being demanding and selfish.
How bad a mother will i be if I just block him out of my life? as Im sick of being miserable because of this path he is on and seems to enjoy his victim mentality.
sorry another moany post from me!!
before these addiction problems I was a cheerful person who enjoyed life its totally changed the person I was.
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Hi Bump,
I’ve thought about this group a lot over the last few weeks but have been very busy with work and looking after my mum, so haven’t posted. I’m really sorry you’ve had Covid and that things are still really bad with you’re son. I think what you are feeling is completely sane, it’s your head telling you that you’ve got enough to deal with and need a break. I don’t think there is much that we can do for our kids when they are in angry and demanding phase. If you don’t look after yourself first you won’t be there to help him pick up the pieces when he is ready to accept proper help. Becoming totally selfish seems to be part of it and it’s so hard to accept. I think they completely lose perspective. My son sits in his room all day smoking weed, only really coming out at night when we have gone to bed but at least isn’t on hard drugs but it’s not much of a life.
I hope things are going okay for everyone else.
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how is your mum Jem?
So much for you to deal with too.
Hopefully your son is on the right path? if hes kicked the hard stuff then hopefully the weed will be next .
Lets hope so anyway.
Good to hear from you.
xx
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how is your mum Jem?
So much for you to deal with too.
Hopefully your son is on the right path? if hes kicked the hard stuff then hopefully the weed will be next .
Lets hope so anyway.
Good to hear from you.
xx
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Hi Bump and Jem
I have also been thinking about everyone.
Bump- I’m sorry to hear that you caught Covid. Such a worry, as if you’re not exhausted enough with your emotional worry.
I caught it last March and now have got long Covid! The breathlessness and fatigue, I totally sympathise with you.
I hope you are on the mend soon. It affects different people in different ways.
Jem – You too, have a lot on your plate, I hope your mum is feel better, at least if you’re seeing her it will comfort you to know she’s being cared for properly.
It sounds like your sons have settled into some kind of normality , that suits them I guess. At least you know what they’re doing.
My son is doing well, 90 + days clean to date. The AA fellowship have been so supportive helped him through his 12 steps, I wish I could thank them.
It’s still an everyday battle for him, i know its not easy, but I’m proud of him for what he’s achieved so far…I’ll keep praying!
You ladies keep me sane, I’d like to think that our experiences are helping others here too.
Sending hugs
Lxx
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Wow lindyloo that’s amazing g90 days clean so good to hear.
My son just isnt engaging with anyone.
Sorry you had covid too…I am also very breathless and tired still. Ypure right as if our sons wernt enough!
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them ti make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and bang, you feel crap again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
❤ Lx
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them ti make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and bang, you feel crap again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
❤ Lx
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them to make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and bang, you feel rubbish again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
Lx
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them to make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and then you feel rubbish again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
Lx
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Sorry, I was censored there for a minute 😉
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I just want to say that I do love my son the addict but the addiction is destroying me I honestly feel in the interests of self preservation stepping back is all u can do. I
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A mother’s love is unconditional.
No doubt about it.
Keep on doing what you’re doing Bump, but look after yourself.
Lx
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Hi Ladies , my son comes round most days for dinner , he says he’s off the coke but not the weed and booze. He’s still in the bedsit and can’t find work . But things are a bit better He’s not so volatile.
He’s not able to see his beer buddies as the pubs aren’t open so that’s a good thing.
Life is up and down . I have hope .
Never give up hoping they Find there way .
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Hi Ladies , my son comes round most days for dinner , he says he’s off the coke but not the weed and booze. He’s still in the bedsit and can’t find work . But things are a bit better He’s not so volatile.
He’s not able to see his beer buddies as the pubs aren’t open so that’s a good thing.
Life is up and down . I have hope .
Never give up hoping they Find there way .
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Hi Everyone,
Sorry to hear that you are not well Bump and Lindyloo, please take care and look after yourselves.
My Son has been struggling for the last couple of months, but all down to him putting himself in situations that don’t suit him. He started seeing this woman, which is fine until I found out that she has her own problems. He started missing work, one day a week and sometimes 2 days, and I could see a pattern forming. If he stayed over at hers, he probably wouldn’t go to work the next day and not come home till later in that day when I got home from work, and he told me that he had a drink, I asked him how many, he said 4 cans, so you can double that and say 8. This went on for a few weeks, not drinking at home, because I won’t allow it, and he has his daughter in the week and every other weekend. His mood changed, and was causing arguments. He has not resorted back to cocaine thankfully, but the other night he was particularly vile, so I’m afraid I lost it big time, it takes me a lot to lose my temper, but quite frankly I had had enough, I told him not to come home, he could collect his clothes and be done with it. I have never told him this before, and I think it shocked him. Sometimes I think this is what they need, they really don’t realise how we have to live and quite honestly it gets very wearing. Obviously we will always love them, but sometimes it’s good just to take a step back and think of ourselves for a change.
The last two days he has been a different person, and chatted and admitted that he knows that if he continues to see this woman that he will end up in the same place as he was this time last year.
I take each day as it comes. He is on medication for his Mental Health, and knows that to go forward on the right path it has to be total abstinence from alcohol.
Think of you all often, thank god I found Adfam.
Take care and keep in touch.
Lindyloo, your Son is doing amazing, long may it continue ????
Dx
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Hi Debc
Thanks for your best wishes, Covid has a lot to answer for!
I’m sorry to hear that your son has slipped off the wagon a bit. I don’t doubt for a second that its the gf that’s triggered him, especially if she has her own issues.
The first time my son relapsed was after being 3 months clean, he let his totally-wrong-for-him ex gf into his life. He finally saw that she was dragging him down with her (he thought he was helping her).
He returned to the fellowship for a bit, relapses a couple of times, no cocaine just booze. Finally returned seriously to AA and CA again. To date he’s finished the steps, helping others now.
Complete abstinence from alcohol and people who could trigger him.
And a strong determination to get clean too i guess.
I want you know that it IS possible, I know he can slip, but for the moment I’m just thankful.
I think you were right to have it out with him, must’ve been hard for you. But like you said, it was maybe the shake he needed!
Stay strong, keep the faith
Always here for you and the other girls.
Lxx
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Jenny, I just noticed your post.
Sounds like your son too has settled down a bit. Its good he’s away from coke, such a dangerous drug. When my son relapsed a few months back, it was alcohol, but no cocaine thankfully, it was a blow but he managed to return to his AA guys. It’s good you’re seeing him daily for dinner, they.. and us, need that social thing.
Yes, be hopeful, he’ll get there,
Take care of yourself too, Jenny
Always here to chat
Lxx
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Hello everyone and Happy New Year,
Sorry to hear about the COVID Bump, and long COVID ladies. Remember to take it easy when you can. I work in the CCU, ITU, theatre etc and it’s all a very poor visual right now for myself and colleagues. Long COVID is something I’d like to research in the future, if I am lucky enough to have one.
Lindyloo, please pass my congratulations on to your son, sounds like he is overcoming a lot and also his recovery gives people like me some hope.
Jen, hope your mum is feeling better. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I hope you understand, but the thought of my son being at home in his room and smoking weed would be a luxury to me as I would know at least he would be safer than he is now.
Thank you to everyone here at Adfam and especially the mums in this thread. I learn a lot here and also feel supported though I do realise that only I can take myself out of this constant cycle which leaves me living my own life in despair. I have lost the ability to relate to people in a friendly manner so now I am an empty shell with two hats. The aloof professional ( terrified person who covers her true identity through fear of the cracks showing and loss of job and income ) and the even more terrified hermit. ( realising that 12 years in this abusive cycle has left me vulnerable to normal socialising ) It’s like an invisible badge I wear. Most people who are friendly towards me are now the sort who can spot vulnerability in others and are on the look out for what they can take. I have isolated myself for two or three years now, but now feel the need to establish who I am and how I could improve my life. The endless fear and related stress has weakened my health physically, mentally and emotionally.
By all intents and purposes it may look and feel to my son that I have turned my back on him. I haven’t and never shall, though the time has arrived where I have consciously decided to take a step back.
I have met with my son twice during the past few weeks. We had coffee, but I could tell he didn’t really want to be there. He just wanted either for me to give him some money, or to get on with his days begging. He begs for money for drugs in the city centre . Due to the lockdown there are slim pickings and many fights over territory ( I can’t believe this is still going on , that the government and society let our most vulnerable fight and maim each other over who gets to beg where and when) Unfortunately I see and understand the desperation of the addict
I have no answers and there is no real help for my son at this time.
Today, I received a phone call from my son. He was in custody, or he had been and was released an hour or so ago. Normally I drop everything and sort things out. For example; he gets a taxi I meet and pay for taxi then he berates me or pleads and begs me for money, then rushes off to get his heroin fix . I refused to help him, bail him out, ease the pain and terror of his withdrawal. This act makes me feel like I am cruel.
I tell him I hate drug dealers and refuse to hand over any monies that will help finance this evil business, because the dealers know and see what they are doing.
It isn’t easy for me right now, perhaps I have made the wrong decision. I can only try and begin to go into some sort of stabilisation and recovery myself. Recovery from years of loss, pain, abuse and horror from how a drug as vile as heroin is allowed to be openly sold in broad daylight on the streets . Yesterday my son was found overdosed in the street, not for the first time. A police officer administered Naloxone which instantly takes the addict out of OD and into withdrawal. The addict then becomes frightened and desperate for a fix. In this instance my son was taken to prison for the night as the hospitals are most likely full. Also the Medical staff have no back up at all to offer help for withdrawal or rehabilitation, so it’s pointless taking them there.
The dealer on the street who sold the heroin ( cut with crap – six deaths two weeks ago from one batch cut with anthrax in Glasgow ) stands by and watches. The police know that my son is a person who uses heroin and begs ( sometimes for 10 hours a day just to keep the rattle at bay. ) and I thank them for giving him the Naloxone, but I would thank them more if they arrested the dealers. However for reasons unbeknown to me the police will not arrest the drug dealers. I’ll rephrase that: won’t arrest the murderers.
So, I thank anyone who has read this much so far! I checked in way back and all of you lovely people gave me the permission to rant! Thank you for sharing the burden of my frustration.
I haven’t tried “ not being there “ for my son before. I’m about five weeks in and it’s torture. I am hoping to try and stabilise my own situation by not putting my son before myself anymore, simply because it’s too painful and frightening for me to live with right now.
I hope to gain strength. If he ever decides to stop using I will do all I can to help, even though I know that will be a difficult process too, but at least there would be hope and maybe some peace. Alas I need to step back for now and look after myself without really knowing if I’m doing the right thing.
Ivy x
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Ivy, I have just read your post and want to tell you what an amazing human you are to have stayed as strong as you have and to have been so selfless in the love for your son and trying helping him out when his life is such chaos.
Also holding down a job in icu right now is a medal worthy thing in itself.
But you are right to step back and to put yourself first , alien and as torture as it is.
Are you able to access any therapy for yourself? any counselling where you can let off steam and talk to someone? or cbt to help you change your thoughts and feelings to get through this?
I have started a course of cbt with the aim to get on top of the stress and anxiety i feel from my sons situation, to try and find a way to love him from a distance and still be able to have some sort of happiness in my life.
The cbt is through my dr on nhs..im not sure what is available in scotland but i would like to think there is something for you.
i really think though putting yourself first is the best thing you can do, if and when your son does seek help to recover you need to be there for him.
Im pretty certain the stress ive been under compromised my health which is why my covid was so bad and im still unable to walk very far.
Do you have any other support other than on here?
There are other support grps whereby you can chat to people, this wld help you offload and feel supported. i dont know what else adfam have to offer but drugfam have a daily helpline you can call whenever and numerous support grps on zoom etc.
You are going through so much, try to reach out to friends, i know youv’e said you have stopped socialising and in covid times its difficult, but you deserve a life and most people i have spoken to have been so supportive.
remind yourself your son is an adult and there is only so much you can do, i have to remind myself of that, I have to detach from the sweet child whos pictures are on all my walls, it is so hard though.
But your are amazing Ivy to go through what you have and still hold done your job and all you do. Keep strong. xxx
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Ivy , I agree with Bump, you have been through so much. I also wish I had all the answers im glad this thread has been support for you.
The Icarus trust posts here a lot too.
I also admire your strength though this difficult time and you are right to concentrate on your own health and well-being. I hope and pray your son will seek the help and support he needs. Take care.
Bump- I’m finding the long covid is affecting my breathing, cold weather is also making it worse, so i can’t walk much either. But I think the stress and anxiety doesn’t help. Take care of yourself too.
Thinking of you all
Lx
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Hello Bump,
Thank you so much for your kind words, and you too Lindyloo. I just had a wee cry there and I feel so much better for it, you know; makes me feel human or just feel something in amongst the foggy numbness.
I do have a councillor and he is a great help thanks. I tried for some CBT through the NHS, but there is a long waiting list. I’ll try them again as a few folk have suggested this.
I’m still struggling with friends and family. I won’t go into that right now, but if anyone reaches out to me, maybe in the better weather or when restrictions are lifted then I’ll gladly respond though I’m not holding my breath.
I wish you both a speedy recovery from the long Covid. Even when you begin to feel better, slow down! Damn virus aftermath has a way of sneaking back up on you. Rest, patience and time.
???? Ivy x
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Thanks Ivy , I’ll keep that in mind, I had noticed it’s one step forward, and 2 steps back with long covid.
I don’t know if it helps any, but I did a course during lockdown with Futurelearn ‘ Understanding anxiety depression CBT.’
I understand you have work and enough on your plate, but it might give you an insight in the meantime.
Take care of you ❤
Lx
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Ivy , I think you have done the right thing , you are doing a wonderful job and now you need to put yourself first , and find your own strength , your son is making his own decisions , and although we all do it – bailing them out every time it makes it longer for them to reach ‘their own rock bottom ‘ From which to climb from – although with your son and him overdosing I think specialist help is required.
Where does he live ? Would he go to a doctor? To get a substitute?
Anyone he respects that he could talk too ? Have you (although it sounds silly ) actually taken a photo of him and how he looks when he’s Off his head and printed it out for him to see how he looks .
With my son , I showed him what he looked like in my car Front view mirror when he called my mum and said he couldn’t go on I went to him on the road ,he was crying and he sat in my car and we talked and listened and I showed him what he looked like in the mirror and how far he had sunk due to drink and drugs. I refused to let him come home while still taking them and he stormed off . He was living in a room so myself and his dad stalked the ‘room’ making sure he went back there and he did .
We as mums don’t have the answers and I wish I could give you a hug , but I can say you have done the right thing , if he can keep on relying on you to bail him out he will and it will take longer to get to the point when they’ve had enough of the addiction.
Xx
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Hello Jenny,
Thank you for your words. My son and I have been through all of those stages. He didn’t start out as a heroin user.
He currently lives on the streets. Under bridges, car parks, sometimes other random addicts take him home, occasionally a hostel or prison cell.
He has seen numerous Doctors and has tried Subutex a few times. There is no specialist help available. Well none I can find. His father died suddenly of cancer 12 years ago, I’ve been on my own with him ever since.
I bought him a flat in between my own house and my mothers house. We checked in on him every day for two years. The dealers took over and he got worse. He moved in with my mum for a year and we tried to get him to the chemist every day. Dealers on the prowl . I’ve been trying to get him off of drugs for years, nothing has worked. Our story is on a thread somewhere, doesn’t make for light reading!
Thank you so much for your thoughts and concern Jenny…
I’ll take that hug thanks!
Ivy x
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Although I am not an expert his dad dying may of sent him on this road to destruction . He couldn’t cope with the loss.
I’m sure you’ve tried everything , Does he have an uncle on his dads side that can talk to him ? Or failing that any relative in his dads side?
Your son sounds lost in his pain .
But you did the right thing
XX
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Yes, his dad dying had a lot to do with his downward spiral of addiction. He has no uncles on his dads side. Over the years my father, the parents of his school friends his ex girlfriends dad , male tutors and professionals have tried to help. He even went to live with his step brother in France for a time. It was mostly alcohol, MDMA and coke back then.
It’s taken twelve years for him to get to this stage. He has been using heroin for about three years. The decline is rapid once someone starts using that stuff. He also injects cocaine when he can afford to.
Unfortunately I do have a lot of knowledge now about drugs, addiction and society. The dealers should be stopped. Drugs are supposed to be illegal, but look at us all here and our poor children, husbands, wives and partners. . Lives ruined all over the place, but the dealers? Well, they are just fine dealing away, and I’m not just talking about the ones with big houses and fancy cars. There are dealers in every street all over the UK now. Also, if they do get caught and do a short stint in prison, well they just continue to deal in there.
No one can really stop them. If you try, they use violence. The police, ( not all police ) so many stories to tell of their corruption. Yet, the dealers keep dealing. I mean there is a lockdown on, yet there are more drugs available now than ever. Demand is higher. It would be easy to stop all the heroin coming in from Afghanistan etc, but no. The police turn a blind eye while they hand out fines to the people who buy a bag for ‘recreational use’ as they like to call it.
Many young people experiment with drugs, only some become addicted, but to the dealers it’s more than just making money. It’s about power and violence. Anyhoo I could write a book after more than a decade of trying to find a solution.
I won’t ever give up. As soon as I am able to retire I will make it my full time occupation to protest against a system that doesn’t favour the addicts, and allows the dealers to openly ply their evil trade. I would do this just now if possible but I’d lose my job!
In the meantime I will just have to contend myself with raising money for some of the many amazing homeless charities, and practical hands on activities with the street team when time permits.
Ivy x
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Did anyone see ty85 post, she’s started a petition for drug dealers to get harsher sentences?
I hope to God something is done.
Good night ladies
I hope you manage to get some sleep.
Sending hugs
Lx
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I dont know how to access other peoples posts..I’d love to sign the petition.
How is everyone?
I think about you all.
Ivy how are you. I know you were in a low place when you last wrote.
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Hi everyone,
I hope things are okay. I think of you all and your boys every day. Ivy and Bump I hope that yours have somewhere safe to stay and weren’t outside in the freezing weather.
It would be great if dealers got tougher sentences and also if users were decriminalised and treated as the mental health cases that they are. After my mum got ill and started to improve she was visited regularly by a physiotherapist and occupational therapist and had home visits from her doctor over Christmas. She is 96 and the NHS was genuinely concerned for her and wanted to make things better – all of this in the worst pandemic since Spanish flu. If only our kids, still young and with a chance at having a future, got the same level of care from the health and social care system.
My son is still clean of heroin but using quite a bit of cannabis to keep it that way, and not venturing outside at all. He is more stable and I am hopeful for the future. I would love to hear how everyone else is doing.
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Hi everyone,
I hope things are okay. I think of you all and your boys every day. Ivy and Bump I hope that yours have somewhere safe to stay and weren’t outside in the freezing weather.
It would be great if dealers got tougher sentences and also if users were decriminalised and treated as the mental health cases that they are. After my mum got ill and started to improve she was visited regularly by a physiotherapist and occupational therapist and had home visits from her doctor over Christmas. She is 96 and the NHS was genuinely concerned for her and wanted to make things better – all of this in the worst pandemic since Spanish flu. If only our kids, still young and with a chance at having a future, got the same level of care from the health and social care system.
My son is still clean of heroin but using quite a bit of cannabis to keep it that way, and not venturing outside at all. He is more stable and I am hopeful for the future. I would love to hear how everyone else is doing.
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My son is up and down , being secretive and has a short fuse , he’s still coming most days for dinner . He’s bored as he’s no work , and nowhere to go. He won’t tell me anything .
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Hello Theresa, thank you for sharing your story and all the rollercoaster of emotions that are associated with the situation. I can empathise with your feelings of being his mum and the horror of uncertainty if you knew he hadn’t anywhere to stay. I have had similar experiences myself and was living in a constant state of fear and panic and worry. There is no magic wand and after several years, I found the strength to say goodbye although that remains a permanent wound also. It is vital that you take care of yourself, this situation engulfs your whole life and ultimately destroys you. It is amazing that some addicts recover and that is always a ray of hope. There is also the chance that by constantly supporting and sorting things out is actually enabling the person to continue with their addictions. I don’t have a magic answer. I hope it offers some source of comfort to know that you are not alone in your experiences.
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Hi Everyone and welcome nanny here, thank you for your advice and support. Most of us on this threads have sons with addictions, all at different stages.
Thankfully my son is still doing well, over 4 months clean. I just keep praying that he keeps strong.
I think and pray for us and our sons daily.
Bump, the petition for “harsher sentences for drug dealers ” is through a group called 38 degrees.
I’m grateful for Adfam and this thread as I can’t share anything about my son, my family don’t know what we’ve been going through for years.
You are all such wonderful supportive, strong ladies and good caring mums. One day , in the not too distant future , we’ll get our sons back. In the meantime, we have to look after ourselves and the others in our family.
Take care and stay strong
Sending virtual hugs
Lxx
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Hi Everyone and welcome nanny here, thank you for your advice and support. Most of us on this threads have sons with addictions, all at different stages.
Thankfully my son is still doing well, over 4 months clean. I just keep praying that he keeps strong.
I think and pray for us and our sons daily.
Bump, the petition for “harsher sentences for drug dealers ” is through a group called 38 degrees.
I’m grateful for Adfam and this thread as I can’t share anything about my son, my family don’t know what we’ve been going through for years.
You are all such wonderful supportive, strong ladies and good caring mums. One day , in the not too distant future , we’ll get our sons back. In the meantime, we have to look after ourselves and the others in our family.
Take care and stay strong
Sending virtual hugs
Lxx
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Thank you Lindyloo for your welcome and thank you all for sharing your stories. Yes, it offers a crumb of comfort that so many other mums can identify with the the pain and associated turmoil of their sons (and daughters ) addictions. It is impossible for people who have never had such experiences to understand the catastrophic effects of it on so many lives. We continue to live in hope whilst doing our best to take care of ourselves
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Nanny ger, you have really had it tough, I don’t know how you have picked yourself up and carried on with so few people that you can share it with without being judged. Putting on a mask for work and relatives takes a big toll. But you sound strong.
There was a chap talking on the radio at the weekend about trying heroin as research for a book, and more or less saying that its not that hard to get off, I wanted to scream at the radio. Heroin is a death sentence that just doesn’t let go, and wrecks an addicts brain. Our kids are paying such a heavy price for this.
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Hello Everyone, as hard as it is, I am gaining support from your shared stories. We live in hope and I can truly identify with your experiences. I truly hope that things get better for the addict in our family and ourselves. Being estranged from my son is truly horrible but after years of horrific behaviour and experiences, I felt that I was going mad, constantly on a cliff edge and a permanent panic attack. Constantly thinking, is he hungry or dirty on the streets and my heart bleeds with it all. I travel into central London for work and pass several homeless people which brings matters to the surface. Then I arrive at work and put on my mask that all is OK. If only people knew what was really going on. My heart bleeds for the son I gave birth to and I hope and pray that he comes back but I am realistic too. I am in regular contact with his children whom I adore . He cannot visit them due to the consequences of his behaviour/addiction and I know that is a great source of pain for him. You know the saying that as a mother, you are only as happy as your least happy child. So like many of you, there is a permanent heartache. I hope that the situation gets better for you all. Moment by moment and one bit at a time. Night
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive xxx
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive xxx
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive x
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive x
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It really is terrible how flawed the system is.
My son doesn’t seem to be doing so well this week, yet another lost bank card and money someone else has withdrawn from his account.
He’s not happy in the area the council have placed him, but is doing nothing about changing his situation, wont engage with any services.
All very frustrating really, as he just loses his temper at the slightest thing and wont listen to anyone.
I just hope he at least keeps this place as having experienced him being street homeless and what some of you guys are going through with sons on the streets is a scary thought.
i am however trying my best to put space between me and him and taking a step back and trying to preserve my own sanity however its always a cloud hanging over me.
Im pleased for the positive news from those whose sons are doing well, it is hope to us all. I think of you all regularly.
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Hi all
There’s not a day goes by when I do think about you and our sons.
I’m grateful that I can relax a bit not having to worry. It’s been hard for my son, I can’t thank the AA and CA fellowship enough for supporting him and getting through these last few months.
Hes helping others now, its all part of the 12 step program.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel, they just need to want to be clean so badly.
Incidently,I’ve just finished a lockdown course on ADHD. I did not realise there was a connection between that and substance abuse and addiction. I’ve often wondered over the years, if he had some kind of disorder, but now I’m wondering..
The impulsiveness, lack of organisation, lack of understanding of consequences, low self esteem, accidents, carelessness, lack of empathy sometimes. So many people homeless, or in prison probably with undiagnosed ADHD.
It would certainly explain a lot of things, wouldn’t it?
Adults can get diagnosed, but people with addictions have to wait until they’re so many months clean before they can seek a diagnosis, then that can take a while too.
I read Danman83 post who’s in recovery and he mentioned he has ADHD too.
Frustrating to think this all could have been avoided if we knew for sure . Any thoughts?
Lx
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Interesting you mentioned ADHD. I was asked by supported living when he moved in if hed been diagnosed with it. He hadnt but now I’m thinking that me thinking it was his dyslexia at school but there may have been more to it. He wasnt severe adhd as he was not too bad at school but definitely something a miss. But anyway sadly if it was adhd to begin with it’s more now!
Who would we write to in government to campaign for change? It just seems so unfair our boys lives are considered worthless and that they cannot receive the help they need.
Sadly though for my son I’m fed up of falling out with him as he wont engage with any services that do exist to help. I just have to keep hoping and praying he at his rock bottom soon.
Lindyloo so plsed for your son and enjoy the peace this brings to you.
I’m writing this very early in bed as I I cldnt sleep in very worried about my son at the moment and so frustrated he wont listen to me.
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Hello Everyone, so good to hear that Lindyloo’s son is doing well right now. Such a relief and offers hope to all. Bump22, I can identify with your recently described experiences and the hopelessness and helplessness of it all. I truly hope and pray that things get better. Thank you for your kind words Jem. Going out for some fresh air soon. I send hope and peace to you all
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Hello everyone and welcome to you nanny ger.
I have some good news. My son has a room in a place in town which is run by a charity.
He seems to like it and hasn’t been sleeping outdoors for almost a week now. I can only hope he stays safe there and not panic and go back to sleeping outside. He did leave the premises one night with a sleeping bag. He was spotted by one of the ladies who works there and the police found him and persuaded him to go back. The police phoned me to let me know my son is now recognised as a vulnerable adult. I’m not sure if this will make a difference to his situation, but it’s a relief to know that someone is looking out for him.
I met him today for a coffee although he couldn’t hang out for long as he was chasing a fix to stop the rattle, however he looked much better than he has in a while. Still awfully dirty as he is reluctant to shower, but I was absolutely made up as he had seen a nurse who visits the establishment and she had arranged for him to see a dentist who scaled and polished his teeth!
We didn’t talk much and he wouldn’t discuss rehab or anything much about his lifestyle.
It’s a lovely sunny day here and I decided to walk home. I caught site of my reflection in a shop window and I got a real fright, because I look a real fright. I barely recognised myself.
I’m home now with a box of hair colour, I’m going to do my roots, blow my hair in and try to construct a healthier eating plan for myself. Small steps and all that.
Bump, I did some of the course you recommended by FutureLearn. Thank you. I will try and get some CBT for myself, even though there seems to be a huge waiting. The councillor I am supposed to be having sessions with is off sick, so no help in that department for me right now. No replacement, and I waited 10 weeks to be appointed someone in the first instance. Perhaps my story pushed her over the edge?
Once again, thank you to all the people on this thread. Knowing I am not alone is half the battle.
Stay strong everyone
Love
Ivy x
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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Thanks bump, yes it was your good self who mentioned the CBT –
Yup, today was a bit more positive, some how the smallest glimmer of hope reinstates a powerful amount of energy even if only for a few hours it’s enough to make a small change .
Having to spend so much time in a hat, mask and visor in work I really didn’t notice how far I’ve let myself go!
Small steps.
Thinking of you and your son
????
Ivy x
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Ivy – that’s brilliant news, I thought of your son on those very cold nights recently, especially being so far north. The worry must be really hard for you to live with. It’s lovely that you’ve met for coffee even if he is having to sort himself out so that he’s not rattling. I hope that being classified as vulnerable opens doors to extra services. Please spend some time taking care of yourself. A long bath and root job will make you feel loads better.
Bump – really great that your son is in a safe place. I hope he can also get the help he needs.
There’s definitely something to the adhd issue. My son is also trying to get a diagnosis. I can also see those traits in other family members who have struggled with life and self medicated with alcohol.
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Thanks Jem,
It was one of those nights when he went walk about in the wee small hours with a sleeping bag.
I agree with the ADHD, I know my son started out with some sort of mental health issue way back even before his father passed, but we couldn’t get him to engage with Drs, authorities etc even then. I do believe he too started self medicating; alcohol to begin with.
Still, today is a good day.
Ivy x
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Just make the most of not having to worry so much, and enjoy your free time xxxx
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That’s brilliant news Ivy! I was also worried about your son in the snow and cold weather last week.
I’m so pleased he’s being helped and supported, must be such a relief for you. I hope things continue to go well for you both.
Take care of you now
Lx
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Thanks Lindyloo,
Hope you and Bump feel better soon.
Ivy x
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Jem, thanks for your thoughts on the ADHD, there needs to be more awareness, the earlier the better. My son did well at school, but was always forgetting stuff, losing things , bit shy , these are traits as well. I’m glad your son seems to have settled more too.
I hope your mum is keeping better too. My folks are 86 and 89 and thankfully doing fine.
Bump, glad to hear your son is safe too, hopefully getting the help and support he needs too. I hope your long covid is better, thankfully I’m working from home (hence the courses!) as I’m not 100 % yet.
Thinking and praying for us all and sending hugs.
Lx
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Jem, thanks for your thoughts on the ADHD, there needs to be more awareness, the earlier the better. My son did well at school, but was always forgetting stuff, losing things , bit shy , these are traits as well. I’m glad your son seems to have settled more too.
I hope your mum is keeping better too. My folks are 86 and 89 and thankfully doing fine.
Bump, glad to hear your son is safe too, hopefully getting the help and support he needs too. I hope your long covid is better, thankfully I’m working from home (hence the courses!) as I’m not 100 % yet.
Thinking and praying for us all and sending hugs.
Lx
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Long covid as bad as ever . Signed off work still..feel.like a pensioner. !!
Glad your folks are doing fine.xx
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Oh no Bump, sorry to hear that. are they referring you to hospital for tests?
I’m still not confident enough to walk too far outside. At least the weather is milder, I found that cold air really agitated my breathing. Gp gave me 2 inhalers, a preventer and reliever. Helps a wee bit.
I caught Covid last March, I really thought I’d be a lot better by now too. I was relieved to hear of lockdown, but I got permission to work from home thankfully .
I’m trying to build up my stamina as I’m putting on weight as I’m not as active.
Doc told me to go on NHS covid recovery, there’s some advice there.
Take care Bump
Sending hugs
Lx
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Oh no Bump, sorry to hear that. are they referring you to hospital for tests?
I’m still not confident enough to walk too far outside. At least the weather is milder, I found that cold air really agitated my breathing. Gp gave me 2 inhalers, a preventer and reliever. Helps a wee bit.
I caught Covid last March, I really thought I’d be a lot better by now too. I was relieved to hear of lockdown, but I got permission to work from home thankfully .
I’m trying to build up my stamina as I’m putting on weight as I’m not as active.
Doc told me to go on NHS covid recovery, there’s some advice there.
Take care Bump
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi everyone I’ve been reading your stories and it’s like reading about me and my son! I can’t believe how similar it all is.
My son who is in his 30’s started using cocaine several years ago.
His behaviour was erratic, couldn’t hold down a job, started his own business stole thousands off of people which we bailed him out of (as we stupidly didn’t have a clue he was using).
Never got a penny back. Had people hammering on the door for money. I was absolutely terrified. He also had an alcohol and gambling problem.
He stole my jewellery to pawn and sold anything that wasn’t pinned down.
Several years passed he moved out a couple of times which didn’t work. As you say we’ve been manipulated and abused for years.
As you’ve said his pit of a room which he rarely came out of.
He too has been suicidal at times.
Years missed to cocaine.
Eventually we had to sell our home as we could no longer afford to keep it due to all the money we’ve bailed him out with.
We bought him a caravan to live in which was soon in a disgusting state.
We are very happy in our new home. But then about a month ago he came for dinner and is still here. Obviously he had ran a big coke bill up. He has asked if he can stay as the caravan is depressing and he very easily turns to cocaine in it. Again manipulation. I have said he can stay short term but if I find or feel he’s had anything he will be told to leave. At present he has been clean for 6 weeks.
Which is really good though as he has previously been clean for 4 months I’m on a knife edge just can never relax knowing it can change in a blink.
He also has been working for a few weeks and for a change is enjoying it.
At the weekend he had some incredibly bad luck which made me feel ill with worry to how he would react.
He has finally reached out to a personal coach and he messaged them!
He is actually managing well and this coach seems to be helping him.
To add he has refused help from anywhere before saying he’s got to do it himself. We did go to aa a few years ago but he refused to go back.
As you’ve said my husband has said the same and has blocked his calls. I’m worried about his mental health due to this but he refuses to go to the Dr’s.
I’ve had council ing previously.
Have had 3 breakdowns and am on medication for my anxiety and depression.
I’ve told my son this is it now. I’ve realised we’ve enabled him all along and this makes me feel so guilty. It’s not happening any more.
Thanks for reading.
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Hi Catsmum, I found this really hard to read, another mum having her life wrecked by the worry of an addicted grown-up child. It sounds like you’ve had years of this. I really hope that as they all get older they will find it within themselves to change. The lack of support is so hard and also the limited number of friends you can talk to about it is very isolating. My son won’t ask for help at the moment, he sits in his room with the curtains drawn and hasn’t been outside properly for months. He looks so ill but as others have said, at least he’s not on the streets, which I am very grateful for.
It’s very hard for you, having moved house, started again and now your son is back home. I really hope that he moving forward, they are all capable of doing that, and I guess you never know when that moment will come.
Thinking about everyone on this thread, and sending you all a hug xxx
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hi Catsmum,
Read your post and my heart goes out to what youv’e been through.
I think what I find so upsetting is the complete lack of support for your son by services. The system is so so flawed. Reading the posts on here there is so many links to mental health and also links to adhd dyslexia all those things whicg shld be looked in and support in place to help people out of their situations.
Im sorry you have been so much.
Today I am waiting for my son to go into theatre a relapse at he weekend has resulted in him being beaten up very badly.
He has his jaw broken in several places and broken nose and fragmented cheekbone.
The only plus side that i can see in this is that a psychiatric liaison nurse from the hospital has spoken to me and I have pushed for intervention for him but lets see. It may also be a point where he sees this as a turning point and a low point to actively seek help and sort himself out.
Wierdly I slept for the first time in a long time last night as I think knowing hes in a hospital meant he’s safe and less for me to worry about where he is.
I keep thinking of ways in which we can campaign for better services and interventions for addicts as it is appalling how the services just dont seem joined up in their thinking leaving addicts and their families to suffer like this.
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Hi Bump, I’m so sorry to read about your son in hospital.
It’s so sad that it’s the only time you feel you can switch off a bit.
I hope he gets the medical and emotional support he needs there.
I agree our country is so behind other countries where addiction is involved. Scotland has one of the worst records of drink and drug related illnesses i believe. Apparently there’s going to be more support to help combat it.
Our lads have sadly, been overlooked as most of these addictions as you say are down to mental health issues. Too much waiting, too many excuses, too much time being wasted talking about it. Hopefully, in our lifetime they’ll all get the help and support they so desperately need.
We as parents, can only be there to pick up the pieces when they’re broken.
Take care of you ❤
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi bump22, thanks for the support as you say there’s a total lack of care from mental health services. Once I was in a & e with my son and asked for help from registrars and nurses. Explaining how worried I was for my sons mental health ialso told them that he was suicidal. They didn’t do a thing.
I’m so sorry to hear of your sons situation, it’s so awful as you say, it’s a living hell. I can totally relate to you having a proper night’s sleep too knowing he is in a safe place.
I sincerely hope that this will be the start of a journey full of support for you all.
Take care xx
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Catsmum, you’ve also had a terrible time of it. I’m glad you’ve joined the thread at least there’s always someone who’ll reply and support you.
Please look after yourself too.
Thinking and praying for us all here.
Lx
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I agree Lindyloo. But arn’t we all so fed up of picking up the pieces having our lives so affected and blighted by it.
I don’t feel i truly enjoy life with all this constantly going on. Im now on antidepresents.
My cbt is helping but when the proverbial hits the fan like it has this week, its so hard to put things to the back of your mind.
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I agree Lindyloo. But arn’t we all so fed up of picking up the pieces having our lives so affected and blighted by it.
I don’t feel i truly enjoy life with all this constantly going on. Im now on antidepresents.
My cbt is helping but when the proverbial hits the fan like it has this week, its so hard to put things to the back of your mind.
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I agree Lindyloo. But arn’t we all so fed up of picking up the pieces having our lives so affected and blighted by it.
I don’t feel i truly enjoy life with all this constantly going on. Im now on antidepresents.
My cbt is helping but when the proverbial hits the fan like it has this week, its so hard to put things to the back of your mind.
big hugs all
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Good evening Catsmum and everyone else who has shared on this thread. Yes, very painful stories of hopelessness and despair and overwhelming sadness. My own story echoes all of those as well and I hope that we gain some support through this forum. Impossible for people to comprehend the catastrophic effects of our sons’ addictions on our lives if they haven’t had a similar experience. No easy answers but I continue to hope and pray. As several people have said to me and what others have posted on this thread, is the absolute importance of taking care of yourself. My heart bleeds for my son and we must never give up hope. Good night and take care everyone.
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Hi everyone,
Thinking about you and hope things are okay.
I could do with some advice. My son is still in his room with the curtains closed and mess and rubbish everywhere. He hadn’t eaten for days and has just had a cup of tea today. He is grey and looks like a very thin version of stig of the dump. He doesn’t accept there is a problem and this is just how the young live. He only comes out of his room in the middle of the night when we are in bed. He’s acting like he’s on heroin but if he is he’s been very clever because we live in the countryside and I don’t know how he’s got hold of it, I’ve heard him moving around at night and am terrified there is someone coming up here and dropping drugs. I don’t have access to his bank so have no idea what’s going on. I am really lucky he’s not on the streets, but this is hard to watch and not be able to do anything about.
Hoping and praying for all our boys xxx
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Hi Jem
I’ve been thinking and wondering how everyone is doing. What a worry for you and the family.
I’m not sure what you could do in this situation to be honest. Perhaps the Icarus trust could maybe advise you?
I just wanted you to know that we’re all here for each other and help and support where we can.
This lockdown situation is compounding matters too for a lot of people. I guess normally there would be face to face meetings set up. Are you able to sit and talk to him? Does he realise how his behaviour is affecting the family?
I do hope you’re managing to take care of your own health and well-being. Although I know it’s difficult to concentrate on yourself when you’re worried about your son.
You sound like such a strong woman, you are always so supportive to others. I really hope that you get support and advice for your situation.
Thinking and praying for us all, and sending hugs
Lx
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Hi Jem
I’ve been thinking and wondering how everyone is doing. What a worry for you and the family.
I’m not sure what you could do in this situation to be honest. Perhaps the Icarus trust could maybe advise you?
I just wanted you to know that we’re all here for each other and help and support where we can.
This lockdown situation is compounding matters too for a lot of people. I guess normally there would be face to face meetings set up. Are you able to sit and talk to him? Does he realise how his behaviour is affecting the family?
I do hope you’re managing to take care of your own health and well-being. Although I know it’s difficult to concentrate on yourself when you’re worried about your son.
You sound like such a strong woman, you are always so supportive to others. I really hope that you get support and advice for your situation.
Thinking and praying for us all, and sending hugs
Lx
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JEM – I’m sure drugs can be bought everywhere , your son does sound depressed and needs encouragement to come out from his room and see daylight.
If I thought my son was getting drugs delivered I would lock the doors and keep the key with me , leave your bedroom door open in case you hear them being dropped through the letterbox or windows opening.
Your sons sleep pattern maybe up the wall and he might be watching films all night , so tell him giving him warning that as from such a date it’s best that no television should be on after a certain time except at weekends .
Tell him you love him and are worried he may be unhealthy if he hibernates in his room all the time.
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So sorry Jem that you have this stress. Does he get packages delivered? Could he be getting them sent to the house?
Are you able to speak to him about it, ? I know my son hits the roof whenever I speak to him but if you can ask him? If he denies it ask wld he mind you drug testing him, if he has nothing to hide then hopefully he wld agree and u can know it’s not drugs that is the problem. Also maybe if its def not drugs cld you speak to the family gp as it looks like there is a mental health issue here. Some drs are better than others I know. Explain hes not eating not co.ing out room etc ..one wld hope they take it seriously.
Also can u sneak in his room at any point and check for any drugs paraphanalia hidden?
Such a worry for you.
Not sure if i wrote on here about my son ..so much has happened but he got badly beaten up and hospitalised. Now has metal plates in his mouth.the hospital wanted him discharged to us so I made a point of saying he cldnt come here unless there was mental health and support in place. On discharge the home treatment mental health team visited and said they beleive he has a personality disorder but until hes clean of drink and drugs cannot do anything anyway. They then discharged him but at least I have some sort of diagnosis. Also he has got a short term place at a homeless hostel he has strict rules and is breathalyzed everytime he enters the property and drug tested twice a week. If he fails hes out. He also has an outreach worker and has got the local drug and alcohol team who did used to engage with back in touch so I hope he engages with them. This place is a pathway to a organisation that helps young people with various issues where if he passes a period of sobriety etc will get a residential place. Its not rehab but very close. I’m hoping he will agree to it as he will have to agree to not leave once hes there and have no contact with friends. Anyway after leaving me yesterday he had done 10 days without drink and drugs after a week in hospital. I just hope that he can go in the right direction. Been a stressful 10 days but my cbt through the dr is helping.
I think of everyone on here all the time and really hope and pray that our loved ones come through this awful time. But look after yourselves most importantly. X
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Hi all,
Hope everyone is ok, I think about everyone often and do read everything on the thread, sometimes I can’t bring myself to join in because I can’t get my head around what we all have to go through, hope that makes sense.
Lindyloo I hope your Son is still doing well, you and he should be very proud.
Bump, sorry to read about your Son being in hospital, I hope he is continuing to improve and engaging with the new hostel.
Jem, I also have a Son with a very messy room, and sometimes I can’t stand it any longer and cave in and clean it. I agree with Jenny and try and get him to come out of his room more often.
My Son is very up and down, I think his Mental Health is possibly worse that I thought, he does take medication. He has got himself involved with another woman, who also likes a drink, which as you can imagine is not a good combination, and I know he has had a drink when he has been with her. The trouble is he stays over some nights and then I have had him not going to work, which really makes me angry, then we fall out, and then everything is my fault yet again, it’s like a viscous circle, and I am getting very tired of it. He says he has not had cocaine, which I have seen no signs of. When he was using before, I used to find the little plastic bags that it comes in and other things, I haven’t seen any of this.
Do I take a step back and just let him get on with it? Do I ask him to leave? I do not allow him to drink in my house, and won’t. For the last 5 weeks he has gone to work every day, so I suppose he has been making an effort.
Just putting this down has helped and i know it’s not as bad as some people’s problems, but I could never go back to what it was.
Thinking of you all, take care.
Dx
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Thanks to you all for being so open with each other and sharing.
I am a 61 year old married grandad whose addictive son is 31 tomorrow. He has a little boy of 11 years who lives with his ex.
The pattern is the same. My responses are the same. Been a heavy cocaine user for 10 years now.
It’s knowing when to throw the towel in.
He goes to Cocaine Anonymous. For about a year now. They seem very supportive. But he relapsed again about a month ago. He has a job he is good at fortunately. But me and my wife are always anxious and can’t ” live”.
Good luck to you all.
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I’m replying to myself here????.
But someone wrote earlier that they had peace when their child was in hospital. I get that. I often think that if my son had a ” conventional” disability it would be easier.
And it’s not as if the illness is a straight line to destruction. You see the child in the adult and you reach out to rescue them. And then they are gone again. In the sea of drugs and selfishness.
I don’t have any answers. But I don’t want to go to my grave as a victim of this addiction.
Bless you all..
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Hi Stevieb59,
Welcome to he Forum and to this thread, it’s a great place to be able to share your story and communicate with people that know exactly what you are going through, and hopefully give you a bit of hope.
I think you feel better, just being able to write it down, I know I do.
I understand where you are coming from when you say the pattern is the same and the responses.
It’s good that your Son is going to CA, at least he is doing something about it and hopefully has good support from the group.
Relapses are the worst thing, you think that it’s not going to happen again, but unfortunately it does, but if they keep trying then surely someday it will stop all together, I imagine this to be very hard work for them ????
Does your Son see his Son? My Son has a little daughter of 4, he sees her all the time and is a very good Daddy to her, which I’m thankful for.
Keep in touch on here, take some time for yourself and your wife, take care.
Dx
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Thanks for the welcome. He was seeing his son. Unfortunately his ex has another ( from a string) boyfriend. He is doing his best to parentally alienate my son: is “your dad’s a drug addict…”. So not so great.
Nice your boy has a good relationship he has managed to keep going.
Thanks again.
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Hi Debc
My son is still doing well thankfully, 5 months clean and I thank God for that. Its a weight of our shoulders, as we feel we can relax a bit.
My son has to totally abstain from alcohol or he’ll relapse. He has no off switch. Thankfully pubs shut due to lockdown, it helps as this can trigger him.
Lockdown means he’s not met anyone yet. He’s been very unlucky with his past girlfriends. The fellowship have said he has to love himself before he can love another. So I think he’s still focused on his own health and well-being fortunately to think about women just yet.
Your son has been informed enough to know what he should and shouldn’t be doing. Maybe he has better control now? Whatever happens don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re a brilliant caring mum and gran ❤ Give yourself some credit for that.
Time to take care of you, rules will be relaxing soon, be kind to yourself.
Thinking of us all and our boys, this Mother’s Day.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
So pleased for you and your Son, that’s a great achievement, long may it continue.
It does help with the Pubs being shut at the moment.
She is a nice woman, and so much better than what he has been involved with before, but I suppose we are always going to worry, I find that very hard to switch off sometimes, but I am learning.
He has got all the tools, he told me today that he spoke to one of the Counsellors he spoke to when he was in Rehab yesterday, she was a fantastic lady, we had a family meeting with her when he came home, I could of spoke to her for hours, lol, so I think I have to take a little step back and let him get on with it and hopefully do the right thing, speaking to the Counsellor was a good step.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump, sorry to hear about your son’s situation, what a worrying time for you. Hopefully now, he will get all the help and support he desperately needs. I’m glad you’re receiving support too.
Let’s hope this will be a better year for you.
Is your long covid any better? I’m slightly better, still not 100%, getting my vaccine on Tuesday thankfully.
Sending hugs
Lx
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welcome to thread stevie, i think you were spot on with what you wrote about seeing your child within the adult and wanting to rescue them. It doesnt matter how old they are they are still our children thats what is so hard.
I definately find it helps to write things down although someone wrote in this thread how sometimes its hard when things are particularly bad to just even write things down and i can relate to that too.
well done lindyloo long may good things continue.
Debc its so good that your son is speaking to someone sometimes just getting them to that point is a massive step forward and means they are showing steps to change and engage and recognizing their behaviours.
My son has also had a bad girlfriend they both are bad for each other so i get your concern when another woman comes on the scene who could be a negative influence.
yes happy mothers day all.
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Hi Stevie, welcome to the group.
Your words will ring true with all of us here, we’ve all been there.
I agree it’s difficult to switch off, my son is currently clean but out of habit , I’m still looking over my shoulder!
My son had several relapses, 3 months was his longest until a broken relationship triggered it. This is his longest spell clean, I hope and pray that he manages to stay strong. He continues his daily meetings and meditation and keeps busy with diy in his flat.
The AA/CA fellowship have been brilliant, so supportive.
Take care of yourself and other family too Stevie.
Lx
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Thanks. That’s so nice to hear. CA people are so inspiring. So generous with their time. They can reach into the minds of their fellow sufferers in a way that me or Sarah could not. I pray our loved ones can be absorbed into that way of life. Its a great “club”.
Not looking forward to the pubs opening ????
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Sorry see above ….double sent
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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I’m a bit apprehensive about getting it too tbh. But I’d hate to think I may catch it again.
I’m trying to build up my stamina , walking flat surfaces no more than 30 mins. I hate the cold , makes my breathing worse. I’m getting a lung ct scan next. They’re hoping there’s no scarring.
At least we’re still here to tell the tale I guess!
Take care of yourself
Lx night night
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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Hello again Everyone on this thread who has shared the rollercoaster of emotions associated with their son’s/other family members addictions and all the nightmares associated with it. I hope you all have moments of peace. My mind is always in turmoil with the effects of my son’s alcohol addiction. Mother’s day today and I received a card from him. I hope that you were all able to enjoy part of the day. Please continue to take care of yourselves. In my worst moments, I feel that death is the only time that I will be free of the turmoil that I feel. Moment by moment. We need to continue to have hope. Good Night all
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Hi Nanny ger
Thank you for your thoughtful post. Im glad you received a card from your son, that’s a glimmer of hope there. He still loves you. They all do, it’s just that, when they have addiction they love that more.
Please don’t give up that hope , seek help and support for yourself. The Icarus trust offers advice and support here too.
Thinking and praying for you and your son.
Lx
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Hello Lindyloo, Bump 22, Theresa and everyone else on this thread. Bump22, I hope you are improving with your lond covid. I hope that our coming out of lockdown will make us all feel a bit brighter. I hope your sons (and those with other family members affected by the nightmare of addiction) are being supported in some way to help us see that there is hope. I need to adopt that strategy to give me strength to carry on. I saw my son very briefly yesterday when he met his children at a train station. Stirred up mixed emotions but I know how happy he will have been to see his children and that momentarily warms my heart. I continue to hope and pray. Reading people’s stories on the Adfam page is heartwrenching but I and we must all remember that we are not alone. Going shopping now for dinner. Hope and peace to us all
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Hi Nannyger,
It’s nice to hear from you. I often think and pray for us all here. Everyone is so supportive and kind to each other which I suppose can be a positive thing.
I also hope everyone is well under the circumstances of lockdown and worrying about our boys.
On that note, have to mention that my son gave into temptation last weekend after almost 6 months clean! Bit disappointed , tbh, but he’s my son, I know its been difficult for him. I’ve had to help him with food and cigs, (to keep him going til payday). I’ve said no more cash or paying off debts.
He was really angry with himself for doing it, I guess that’s a good sign. Also the AA fellowship guys have been in touch. He’s still managed to work which is good.
Yes, it’s a rollercoaster but could’ve been worse i guess.
I’m glad you saw that moment with your son, maybe he’ll realise what he’s missing. I do hope he turns a corner too.
Bump- . I hope you’re feeling better, I’m waiting on my lung scan results. Thinking about going back to work after Easter holidays
Gem, Jenny, Ivy, Theresa, Debc, I hope all well or as well as can be expected with you all.
Sending virtual hugs ❤
Lx
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Oh lindyloo I.am so.sorry to here that. Your son had done so well. Has he managed to get back on track?
After my sons beating he is engaging with AA and drug and alcohol services hes been off everything for nearly a.month. I hope he can continue turning that corner.
I am now in covid rehab and starting to get better gradually.
I’ve had my jab too as was so scared getting it again.
I hope your lung scan is ok. I’ve been given a asthma inhaler which seems to help a bit.
All take care of yourselves. I think of u all and the pressure we live under let’s pray our kids get there.xx
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Oh lindyloo I.am so.sorry to here that. Your son had done so well. Has he managed to get back on track?
After my sons beating he is engaging with AA and drug and alcohol services hes been off everything for nearly a.month. I hope he can continue turning that corner.
I am now in covid rehab and starting to get better gradually.
I’ve had my jab too as was so scared getting it again.
I hope your lung scan is ok. I’ve been given a asthma inhaler which seems to help a bit.
All take care of yourselves. I think of u all and the pressure we live under let’s pray our kids get there.xx
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Thanks Bump, yes disappointing but no one is more annoyed than he is with himself.
I think he’s on track again, the fellowship guys have been in contact. I text him every morning and evening, and he phones me too. Only seen him briefly to give him some groceries and cigs, but I think he being honest with us. I’m hoping it was only a blip.
I’m so pleased that you’re son is getting support at last, less pressure for you too.
Glad you’re being treated for long covid, I’ve got inhalers now too. Feeling stronger but not walking like I used too.
Hoping we all have a lovely Easter break, and see some spring sunshine ????
Take care of yourself
Lx
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There is hope ! I haven’t updated for a while as I didn’t want anything to go wrong .
My son has completed a 2 week government training course , learning about first aid , cherry pickers etc , getting certificates – So he could work on a site.
He is completing 2 weeks free work on a site using his previous plumbing Experience and is feeling so much better and confident. I can see an change in him since he’s had this chance and his confidence is growing. He is looking forward to the future and looks so much healthier . I hope and pray it lasts .
Never ever give up hope , I have told him to climb one step at a time .
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Jenny that is such good news for you.
My son is also doing well he just got his months medal from AA and is finding AA really helpful and has a really good sponsor so hes a month clean of drink and drugs.
Hoping he stays on track.
So yes we have to cling knto hope.
Lindyloo how was your scan?
Thinking of everyone.x
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Bump, that’s such good news, I’m really happy for you that your son is engaging with services and doing so well. I hope you’re long Covid is improving. I am sure all of the stress hasn’t helped.
Jenny, it’s really good to hear about your son and his training. I think they stand a much better chance if they’ve got a reason to get up each day.
Lindyloo – I’m sure your son’s just had a hiccup, it sounds like he’s got straight back on it. I really hope he keeps moving forward.
My news isn’t so good but I am encouraged by other’s more positive updates. After a few months of not really knowing what is going on and driving myself mad, I finally found out that my son has relapsed and is back on heroin. I’m so sad for him because he got through withdrawals and months of insomnia and now he is back there at the mercy of a horrible poison. He is thin and looks very unwell. I am trying to be positive but right now he doesn’t have enough motivation to start the process of getting clean again. I caught him with a small package in the post and got him to open it in front of me. It was bad for both of us, he cried and I just tried to stay calm so that he would talk about what was going on. I just feel so sad for him, for all of our boys and for all of us. I’m finding it hard to hold it together at work or even to care about much else that’s going on. It’s a tough one to accept that only he can do this – very hard to watch.
Thinking of everyone on this thread, I hope everyone has a bit of a break over the bank holiday.
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Oh god jem I k ow when u last posted you were worried about him.
Hold.in there he got clean before and he can do it again.
Has he said he wants to get of fit again.?
Just make sure u look after yourself. Easier said but any strategies mindfulness anything to look after yourself. This is alot to deal with. Big hugs and thinking of you xx
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Oh god jem I k ow when u last posted you were worried about him.
Hold.in there he got clean before and he can do it again.
Has he said he wants to get of fit again.?
Just make sure u look after yourself. Easier said but any strategies mindfulness anything to look after yourself. This is alot to deal with. Big hugs and thinking of you xx
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Thanks Jenny that’s great news about your son. I really hope this new chapter is successful for him. My son has always worked and is good at his job, he’s very lucky in that regard and he’s always had access to his son. But I told him this week his luck will run out eventually and he will lose everything including his life if he carries on. We’ve had 15 years of gambling, drinking and cocaine becoming worse in the last 3 years. His marriage broke down, I took on his debt of over £40,000, I shouldn’t have I know. I’m just hoping and praying he can do it this time as we will not be giving him anymore money. He’s had a further £2000 since Feb this year as all the money from his divorce settlement has gone. You can bet he’s spent a 6 figure sum on gambling and coke in the last 15 years. He’s been lovely today but he’s vile after a comedown. I could go on and on but you all know the score ???? take care everyone x
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Thanks Bump I know how much you’ve been through, especially with Covid added in. I am fortunate that my son isn’t on the streets, but that is the thing I really fear. He does want to stop but feels he’s spent most of the last year fighting and not using and he’s just tired. I’m sure he will want to get clean. Last time he relied heavily on cannabis for sleep and just getting through so he’s not really been properly sober. I’d like him to go to rehab when he’s ready to do this again but he has no confidence in that as a solution. He won’t seek help because he reads everything there is on the internet and believes he knows what he needs to know and can do it by himself, so no 12 steps or Smart Recovery. A couple of weeks ago he was taking Valium as well and I was making calls to try and get him sectioned. I don’t think I’ve ever been more frightened, it was like there was nothing of his personality left. I know it will get better, and I’m sorry to sound so negative. I am encouraged by more positive stories on here. It does give me hope. Thank you for letting me have my big moan, it helps.
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Hi ladies, just been reading your updates.
Jenny and Bump, im so pleased for you, great news that your sons are both doing well. It’s such a relief when they accept help and support and such a relief for you.
Debc was on another thread and her son is also doing well.
I hope your long covid symptoms are improving Bump. I think the inhalers are helping me a bit, still waiting on my lung ct results. Thank goodness for the nicer weather though!
68862, welcome to the thread, we’re have sons with addictions and it’s great to vent and share successes with each other too.
Thanks to you all for your support.
Have a lovely Easter . I’m hoping and praying for another Easter miracle.:)
God bless, sending hugs
Lx
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Hi ladies, just been reading your updates.
Jenny and Bump, im so pleased for you, great news that your sons are both doing well. It’s such a relief when they accept help and support and such a relief for you.
Debc was on another thread and her son is also doing well.
I hope your long covid symptoms are improving Bump. I think the inhalers are helping me a bit, still waiting on my lung ct results. Thank goodness for the nicer weather though!
Jem – I guess we’ll continue to hope and pray that our sons see sense and seek the help and support they need. Stay strong.
68862, welcome to the thread, we’re have sons with addictions and it’s great to vent and share successes with each other too.
Thanks to you all for your support.
Have a lovely Easter . I’m hoping and praying for another Easter miracle.:)
God bless, sending hugs
Lx
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Thanks Lindyloo, I followed your suggestion. God willing we all have a peaceful day xxx
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Jem a month ago before my son got his beating he was adamant that the 12 steps and other services were a waste of time. things can change, obviously it took something dramatic but I cant beleive he is now saying how much 12 steps is helping. So I just want you to know beleive that he can change his mind.
I’m under no illusion that a mnth is nothing really and even this weekend my son nearly relapsed.
Valium is horrible my son was a right state on it so I know how scary it is seeing g them like that.
The dealers are scumbags. So much more needs to be done.
The fact they now can get it delivered to your door too, as easy as a food delivery is scary.
Ladies try and enjoy easter the lovely blossom daffodils anything to take your mind off thingsxx
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Thanks Bump for your words of encouragement. I hope that you are sleeping better and enjoying life being calmer. I guess you’ll also have the uneasy feeling we are all used to living with even when things improve.
I know that my son wants to get clean again, I just don’t think right now he has the energy to go through withdrawals and then all the insomnia that goes with getting clean. Today was a good day and we enjoyed the sunshine in the garden together for an hour, which felt like a small win.
Thinking of everyone on here, I hope today was okay x
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Hi Jem
I’m glad you had a nice relaxing day in the sun. Taking
pleasure in the little things also works for me.
Yeah, I agree even during that 5 months recovery I felt I was still looking over my shoulder waiting for whatever to happen. Gies with the territory I guess.
My son popped in briefly this morning, he seemed fine , starving..which immediately makes me suspect, but fairly upbeat.
I didn’t judge or ask too many questions, I’ve learned from past experience not to. He said he was fine.
Regarding the low energy, I remember Danman83 saying about taking vitamins to help with that, as the comedown from the drugs zaps the energy from them.
The sunshine will be good for them I guess.
Thinking of you all too, at least we all have each other here thankfully ❤
Lx
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Hi,
I hope everyone is okay. I got home tonight and my son had cooked a lovely meal, and hung around to eat. That’s the most positive thing that’s happened in weeks.
I have thought about everyone on here a lot this week and how hard it is.
Bump I really hope that things are still going in the right direction for your son. I know it’s a very hard road for him.
Lindyloo I hope things are back on track for your son, he seems to know what he wants, and I guess they have to relapse to learn how not to.
68862 I hope your okay, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard when our kids have had good lives and then lost it. My son says he wakes up crying thinking about all he has lost. It doesn’t make the problems go away though.
I hope that we all have a good weekend without any drama
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Hi,
I hope everyone is okay. I got home tonight and my son had cooked a lovely meal, and hung around to eat. That’s the most positive thing that’s happened in weeks.
I have thought about everyone on here a lot this week and how hard it is.
Bump I really hope that things are still going in the right direction for your son. I know it’s a very hard road for him.
Lindyloo I hope things are back on track for your son, he seems to know what he wants, and I guess they have to relapse to learn how not to.
68862 I hope your okay, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard when our kids have had good lives and then lost it. My son says he wakes up crying thinking about all he has lost. It doesn’t make the problems go away though.
I hope that we all have a good weekend without any drama
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Jem, im so pleased for you, what a wonderful surprise. I would say that’s a step in the right direction!
I also think of us all often, brought together by this nightmare of addiction. It’s one of the few good things that’s come out of it.
We can only hope and pray that things get better for us all.
Hope the weekend is good for all.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Hi Jem thanks for your kind words. That’s brilliant news, well done your boy ❤. It’s massive for him to do that so good on him????. My son is at his girlfriend’s until tomorrow so I’m hoping he behaves and doesn’t give her a hard time. I’ll see him tomorrow with my grandson. ???? everyone have a peaceful weekend. Xxx
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Hi everyone Ive not been on for a while. Nice to hear some positives from people and hope it continues. No real reason for this post I suppose I’m just so sad about the whole situation and the effects on us. I fear my son is still using. Also I fear he’s gambling again. He looks so bad, he’s not sleeping and never has anything. Take care everyone xxx
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Hi Catsmum sorry you think your son is using and gambling again. The worry is just horrendous isn’t it. This has been my sons story for the last 15 years, roulette machines, online gambling then coke. I believe and he has admitted, that in the end gambling was to try and pay for coke. He has self excluded from several bookies and online which he did once before. Perhaps you could mention this to your son? It does help.
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Hi Catsmum I am so sorry that you are going through this, the gambling one is not something I had had to go through with my son. On top of the using it must bring so much more stress and worry. I hope that he starts to see the light, and that things get easier.
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Morning ladies, I have been in bed for 2 days now reading this thread! I could have written most of them myself over the last 20 years – I have never reached out in all this time and feel I have now given everything I have! I’m exhausted, heart broken and ashamed. My son has sucked the joy out of every happy occasion and made every sad occasion even more unbearable! My stomach flips every time I see a message from him or his wife. I live in fear of her giving up on him ( even knowing it would be better for her and the children) He has given me the most beautiful grandchildren – another torture to endure. I should be at work but just don’t have the strength. I love my first born more than anything else as I remember the wonderful son and daddy he can be! I’m heartbroken xx Thank you for listening xx
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Hi Safeinbed,
I have only just read your story, I’m so sorry. I had never thought in terms of 20 years of this, and how draining that must be. I hope that you’re feeling a bit better. I know that feeling of not being able to face work and sometimes just not being able to make really basic decisions. I try not to think about the future too much, that would raise too many questions and I’m lucky that there are no kids involved or partner. I think about the people on this forum everyday and I wish that we didn’t have this going on in our lives.
I started going to work meetings again this week and met with a friend who knows what’s going on, it helped a lot. This has been so much worse because of lockdown. I feel like my son’s problems became the only thing I thought about. I really hope you have a friend who will be there for you and that your son sees the light, if only for his children.
I hope that everyone has a peaceful weekend and that things are improving xxx
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Hi Jem, sorry to jump in here.
I wrote on another thread to Danman83 about the Doctor rejecting my son’s plea for help with his addiction .
He had contacted Addiction Services who said to go to GP for help. Except GP didn’t know what to suggest (he admitted that) and said go back to Addiction services!
Can you believe it, after admitting to the guard dog receptionist that he was an alcoholic in need as well. Poor lad, imagine a professional turning a person with mental health issues away.
My son said he’d wished he had recorded it and sent it to Panorama- they would’ve had a field day!
I’m glad you met up with someone and got things off your chest, it helps to share your concerns and worries.
I went back to work this week too, it’s only part time but its a good distraction. Such a worry, my son had bad tremors this week.
Lx
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Hello safe in bed my heart goes out to you as this is partly my story, the only difference is my ex daughter in law mustered up the strength to divorce my son. He is my first born like yours and has brought so much heartbreak to myself, his dad and his ex. I never in a million years thought that this would happen to us. Yesterday I was accused of making him claustrophobic and on Sunday the names he was calling me was disgusting but in the next breath talking like nothing had happened. I cried on my own Yesterday because I really want to cut all ties with him but I know how vile and hurtful he can be and threatens me not to see my beautiful grandson. I expect his back story is the same as my son’s, they usually are. They don’t go out to become addicts we all know that I just wish they had the strength to stop ???? Feeling your pain xx
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Thank you so much for your response, I’m so sorry that you too have to endure such heartbreak! Yes the name calling is particularly hard – And I agree they don’t set out to be addicts! That’s even more heartbreaking and that’s when the guilt comes in. My son, I’m sure has an anxiety disorder and he has self medicated since he was 15 with various substances and behaviours. I have always tried to love him through setbacks but so much is at risk this time. Our week end was ruined along with my younger son’s and his family as we were called to a dispute at their home after they had just arrived at ours for our first after visit lockdown! Sending you strength. I have never been able to cut all ties as I believed there is always hope – now I am doubting myself – I know I would not have him home if he allows his marriage to fail. I will just be eaten up with what could have been, I’m sure you know what I mean – I want to love him but I don’t know how to without taking on all the chaos – if that makes sense. I can’t even cry anymore – I just shut down and hide under the duvet for days at a time. Lock down has been a saviour for me in not having to face my work colleagues and friends xx
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I believe my son has a personality disorder, either bipolar or borderline personality disorder not helped by the coke. He’s definitely got OCD and when he goes into something it is full on. The amount of hobbies he has taken on over the years only to get fed up with them after a short while. When his marital home sold he managed to rent a flat but the excess went up his nose or to pay off his debts. He’s now finding it difficult to run the flat and never has any money left when he gets paid. He has just called me and was really pleasant but we’re always waiting for the aggression to appear, walking on eggshells all the time. My husband is very much like you in that he can’t forgive him what he’s done to his family. It could and should have been so different. I’m there with you my friend ❤
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I really think that’s the saddest part – the what ifs- my son had a very promising career and he gave it all up for a girlfriend who introduced him to coke! I don’t think he has ever forgiven himself for leaving his job for her – ( she finished with him once he was out of uniform) looking at his peers who continued, they are now looking at retirement and huge payouts in a few years – I believe he is punishing himself for this decision and has done since he was 19! He works hard to make his family home nice, saves and works all hours to make sure his children have all the things they need but he lets himself down every few months with a binge and self medicates with prescription drugs bought online . So sad as when you get through to him he’s so sorrowful – never having tried it myself it’s hard to imagine – I only know it must be amazing at the time for the risks they take and everything they stand to lose! Thank you for talking to me today – I have done a load of washing and cleaned out a cabinet xx It has helped so much ????????
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It’s just nice to know we’re not on our own and sharing our stories makes a massive difference to our day. Your son sound’s just like mine, remorseful, sad, embarrassed and disappointed in himself until the next fix. There’s a lot of us on here praying for a miracle so let’s hope one day it happens. I’m glad you managed to get up and be proactive. it’s hard but you did it well done ????
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He’s just come in to pick his dogs up (he had them when they split but guess who walks them most days). He was very pleasant but its so unnerving as I don’t know whether he’s used, going to use or gambled. I want to tear into him but I know to keep quiet and try to put it to the back of my mind for now anyway. There’s so much I want to say but it just always ends in an argument. Xx
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Hi Lindy, I’m really sorry about your son and the lack of help from his GP. I know how you must have felt as well, watching him build up the courage to go and being dismissed out of hand. This feels like the bargain basement of health care. That’s the scariest thing for me that no one is coming to solve this. As their parents it all falls to us and them.
It’s good news that you’ve gone back to work and that your long Covid is getting better.
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Hi Lindy, I’m really sorry about your son and the lack of help from his GP. I know how you must have felt as well, watching him build up the courage to go and being dismissed out of hand. This feels like the bargain basement of health care. That’s the scariest thing for me that no one is coming to solve this. As their parents it all falls to us and them.
It’s good news that you’ve gone back to work and that your long Covid is getting better. I hope your son has some good luck and manages to access some genuine help.
Have a good weekend
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Thanks for your support Jem, I really appreciate it.
Hope you have a good weekend too, some normality with some restrictions being lifted.
You and your lad will be in my prayers too.
Night night
Lx
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Hi everyone sorry I havnt posted for a while.
I feel so sad reading these stories and what everyone is going through and the frustration. Lindyloo the frustration of being turned away from the dr un believable but at the same time so beleivable!
My son is now in a residential place its not rehab but as close as we can get it’s full of young lads whose lives need turning g around and they need to be drink and drug free so for the first time in years my son is drink and drug free and has been for 6 weeks. He is even doing his driving theory so for the first time in a long while doing something positive.
But as we all know the road to recovery is long and rocky and I am under no illusions!
I often wish I cld do something somehow to raise an awareness to government about our issues and so young people have intervention before these addictions take hold. In my opinion that is what is needed and is a mental health problem.
Schools shld have mental health specialists. Sorry I’ll get off my soapbox.
Lindyloo has your sons dr ever referred him to local drug and alcohol services?
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Hi Bump That’s brilliant. It’s great when you hear good news and someone getting the help they need. I work in a secondary school and it’s scary to see how many kids get caught up in it or suffer from mental health issues.
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Hi ladies, thanks so much for your kind words of support.
Bump – I’m so pleased to hear that your son is in a place where he is being supported and getting the help he needs. Driving test theory, that’s fantastic news that he pushing himself. Wonderful news, you must be so relieved. I hope your long covid is improving, I went back to work last week part time, tiring but managed to sit down when I needed to.
68862 – I also work in a Secondary school, so many with anxieties and mental health issues. But not enough support for them.
I believe in some of the Scottish manifesto they are going to invest in MH issues involving training and counselling. Boris take note!
My hubby is speaking to the practice on Monday so hopefully we may get a 2nd opinion regarding my son’s support. And no, Jem Doctor has never referred him anywhere at anytime, he was told he had to be clean before being assessed for counselling of any sort! Talk about Catch 22 situation! What hope do we have !
Enjoy the weekend ladies
Thank you again, sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Lindyloo my son’s doctor referred him to a drugs project but it took time to get seen. He did go to the sessions and enjoyed meeting others but it didn’t stop him using fully. Over time he’s seen various counsellors too. I’ve just spoken him which is really early for him to be up but he has his son with him and he seems to be in a good place atm. But then he always is when he’s with him just wish it was enough to make him stop completely. I can live in hope.
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Hi all,
I just need to vent again, sorry.
Just came off phone with son. I feel he’s looking for people to blame right now, his family, the doctor, AA . I feel he’s free of alcohol just now but looking for an excuse to start again.
I think that’s what an addict does, won’t take the blame etc.
Hes very angry and I think he’s taken this week off work and he’ll use it to get wasted on alcohol, although he has no money but will probably take out a loan.
I know this set up so well, im trying to be calm but inside I want to scream.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Feel free to vent anytime, that’s the great thing about this Forum, we can, and it’s so good to know that we know what you are going through.
It always amazes me that all these people do exactly the same things, the lies, the blame, the money and numerous other things, as long as I live I don’t think I will ever understand, and it is so hard to live with sometimes.
Go outside and have a good scream Lindyloo, it’s very frustrating at times.
Take care of you, stay strong.
Dx
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Oh Lindy loo feel free to vent that’s what this is for.
So frustrating for you. I empathisize with the whole situation of your son wanting to blame someone..to me with my son everything g is everyone else’s fault. And let’s face it it’s not until they realise its them and they are the common denominator that they can turn things around.
Let’s pray he doesnt get wasted as much for your sake as his.
My son has said he hates his new residential place..his exact words were ..everyone here are idiots..always everyone else..hes looking for excuses to leave here I know it and so worried hes goi g to blow it.
Keep strong lindyloo xx
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Oh Lindy loo feel free to vent that’s what this is for.
So frustrating for you. I empathisize with the whole situation of your son wanting to blame someone..to me with my son everything g is everyone else’s fault. And let’s face it it’s not until they realise its them and they are the common denominator that they can turn things around.
Let’s pray he doesnt get wasted as much for your sake as his.
My son has said he hates his new residential place..his exact words were ..everyone here are idiots..always everyone else..hes looking for excuses to leave here I know it and so worried hes goi g to blow it.
Keep strong lindyloo xx
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Hi Lindyloo as Bump said this is where you can let off steam without being judged as we all know what each of us are going through. I guess this is part of his rollercoaster ride. I just hope it passes and he doesn’t let himself and you down. We’re always in the firing line sadly. Keep strong ????xx
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God bless you all, thank you for your replies.
He came to my house starving, but after he was fed and watered he seemed calmer. He said he needs help, but no one’s helping.
I guess I must’ve been a mirage!
I don’t think he’s started on the merry go round yet, please God, I’ve just reassured him we’ll support him with food and cigs til payday. Paying it back hopefully.
If he’s really trying, I don’t mind making the effort.
Thank you so much ladies, Bump I hope your lad perseveres.
Yes, 68862, we are always in the firing line!
I couldn’t scream earlier Deb, as we have a painter in! ; )
Sending hugs
Lx
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God bless you all, thank you for your replies.
He came to my house starving, but after he was fed and watered he seemed calmer. He said he needs help, but no one’s helping.
I guess I must’ve been a mirage!
I don’t think he’s started on the merry go round yet, please God, I’ve just reassured him we’ll support him with food and cigs til payday. Paying it back hopefully.
If he’s really trying, I don’t mind making the effort.
Thank you so much ladies, Bump I hope your lad perseveres.
Yes, 68862, we are always in the firing line!
I couldn’t scream earlier Deb, as we have a painter in! ; )
Sending hugs
Lx
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I’m really sorry to hear your boys are struggling and I know the frustration and disappointment so well. It’s really hard when they’ve decided to stop and you feel that things are getting better and then you find yourself back at square one. My son said that getting clean is a bit like building a damn and every time a hole appears you have to figure out how to patch it so that it’s stronger next time. I’ve cried my eyes out when my son has relapsed. I try to hang on to the fact that if they can stop for a few weeks or months then they can do it longer. We just have to figure out how to not go mad and financially broke while we wait for it to happen. Thinking and praying this comes right for all of us on here xxx
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Hello to all you strong and wonderful people! I am new to this post, but not new to Adfam. I have posted a few times, ( my original post was 7/24/20 if you want my story), and I have chatted with you Lindy Loo, and Jenny.
I have read through this whole post with a broken heart. We are all so the same, even if the drug of choice is different. My 39 yr old son’s is alcohol.
Lindy Loo- I pray your son stays the course. It hard to express the ups and downs with a loved one with an addiction. When they’re sober, life is so good. When they’re sober, you breathe instead of feeling sick. You actually get some sleep. Laughter and smiles feel so good because you’re not covering up something. The sun shines brighter…
Bump- You have been through so, so much with your son. The stories mimic some of mine in that you can’t believe you’ve experienced such horrific things with their addiction! It causes traumas within you that you never get over.
Lindy Loo and Bump- I pray for your recovery from Covid. How awful to have to deal with this on top of your troubles. I have Rheumatiod Arthritis, an autoimmune disease and I struggle to keep it under control with the stress of it all.
Ivy- your feelings resonated so much for me. You do start to lose yourself. You no longer feel like a normal person in society. You listen to how other people talk about how great their adult children are doing and you stay silent because you’re afraid someone will ask about them and you’ll either have to lie or just try to be very vague about it. Unfortunately for me, my son while intoxicated, has lashed out at family members and such and I finally had to tell everyone what is really going on. It’s so hard. I even had to tell one of my best clients, because for a while he was posting strange things on social media. It’s like trying to keep water from overflowing a glass. I used to be a fun-loving, silly, person at parties and now I just kind of hang back. I actually try not to go to parties. Plus, I’m so wiped out most of the time.
Nanny ger- After 9-10 years of this alcohol problem with my son, I have reached a place like you that it’s time to step back. I had to block my son from communication for almost a month ( see my post on 2/22/21) because he was harassing me all day with texts about how I am a sinner and it is his spiritual duty to show me my sins. Apparently, one of my sins is that I “judge” him for being an alcoholic. He says, “I was born this way- I didn’t choose it”. That’s not the case at all. I do “judge” him for not doing anything to actively change his problem.
I hear all of you brave women. I listen to you and want to reach out and hug you. I get a bit upset and think, “How could their kids do this to them!” And yet, I’m the same.
I just know this, that he continues to do the same thing over and over, so I must be different. I’ve made so, so many mistakes and have enabled him so much through the years. It took me so long to piece it all together and see it for what it is in the bright light of day. I’ve spent so much time trying to fix his problem and it hasn’t worked at all and it takes such a toll.
It seems like we moms are supposed to love our kids to the detriment of ourselves, and that just doesn’t seem right. When did I stop being a person? I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way he does. I’m grieving the loss of the boy I knew. I can’t even call him a man because he doesn’t act like one. I’m angry too. Just so many emotions. A day at a time. I want to love myself more than the dysfunctional love I have with him right now….
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Hi February Marie,
Good to hear from you and thank you for your kind words of support.
I remember reading your earlier posts, I think you were one of the first people to reply to me when I joined the forum.
So it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep, busy mnd I guess. You hit the nail on the head when you said about grieving for the son he used to be. I do that too, I guess we all do. Dreaming of the Eureka moment they will have one day! Please God if only…
I’m so thankful for this thread and you wonderful ladies, I agree February Marie, so strong overcoming difficulties, and unselfish to be thinking of others when they are stressed and anxious . God bless you ❤
Sending virtual hugs
Lx
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Thinking of you all, also not slept. I think we have to hang on to that Lindy, I pray all our boys come through this and we have some joy in our lives again xxx
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Thinking of you all, also not slept. I think we have to hang on to that Lindy, I pray all our boys come through this and we have some joy in our lives again xxx
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ladies lots of kind words here.
FebruaryMarie welcome …sorry like the rest of us we have this shadow over you.
we have to believe that the sun will shine brighter at some point.
big hugs all xxx
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Hi February Marie I too came on here a few years ago but needed to reach out again recently and thanks to Lindyloo she put me onto this thread. Sadly it is very comforting knowing we’re not alone. My son was a heavy gambler but then 3 years ago we found out cocaine has played a large part in his now very sad life. He’s 33 but it seems he started using it socially at 18 now he can’t stop. This has resulted in a very short marriage ending in divorce after the birth of his son 3 years ago. Fast forward to now, thousands of pounds later, vile horrendous abuse to those that love him, counselling, attending drugs projects and lots of tears, begging and pleading nothing has changed. He lives a very sad and lonely life now and there’s nothing more I can do to help. He has a girlfriend but I think she’s had enough now. I’ll always be here like the rest of you for your boys but when they won’t talk or get help you have to walk away. I smile but there’s nothing behind the eyes now. I hate hearing about my friends’ sons and how well they’re doing and that is wrong, that’s not fair. My son has done this to himself, no one forced him or tortured him to take cocaine. So I’m really thankful for this group, it helps so much x
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68862 – I’m so sorry things are really bad at the moment. It’s so hard to watch them struggling and not being able to do anything. You have done so much, one day he will see that.
I feel like you, I hate hearing about the achievements of other people’s children and seeing their pride. Then I hate myself for feeling that. There is no joy in this. I have heard of parents leaving their jobs because they can’t cope and am trying to hold on to mine but I know I’m not doing a great job at the moment. My son is gearing up to coming off heroin again and I know he really wants to, so am going to put my energy in to supporting him in that but none of it is easy, it means months of insomnia for him, I wish I could do it for him.
I hope everyone has a good day x
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68862 – I’m so sorry things are really bad at the moment. It’s so hard to watch them struggling and not being able to do anything. You have done so much, one day he will see that.
I feel like you, I hate hearing about the achievements of other people’s children and seeing their pride. Then I hate myself for feeling that. There is no joy in this. I have heard of parents leaving their jobs because they can’t cope and am trying to hold on to mine but I know I’m not doing a great job at the moment. My son is gearing up to coming off heroin again and I know he really wants to, so am going to put my energy in to supporting him in that but none of it is easy, it means months of insomnia for him, I wish I could do it for him.
I hope everyone has a good day x
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Hi Jem thanks for your post. I’m so pleased your son is trying again. I’ll pray he can do it this time. So today I called my son and once again we have the tears. This time he’s spent his rent money and is beside himself with worry and fear. I went to his flat and he is a pitiful sight. My beautiful boy so depressed and ashamed. Obviously he’s asked for £600 to cover his rent but I don’t have it so he asked me to ask his dad but I know this will cause ructions and i suspect he will refuse. I told him this and he then said he will kill himself if he can’t pay it. I’ve told him to come on here, follow men in recovery on tik tok, and join CA and NA which he said he would. I don’t know what else to do now. I said if we pay the rent he’ll just continue but he reckons he won’t. He doesn’t want to be like this but I’ve heard it all before. Damned if I do and dsmned if I don’t.
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So upsetting isnt it seeing our sons in such a state. Big hugs.
I dont do tik tol so is there something g on there for them to follow re recovery?
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So upsetting isnt it seeing our sons in such a state. Big hugs.
I dont do tik tol so is there something g on there for them to follow re recovery?
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Hi Bump its individuals who are in recovery and post everyday inspiration and encouragement or how long they have been in recovery each day. The ones I follow are all ordinary young men in their 30s. There is one guy on there who was using cocaine for over 30 years but has been in recovery for a few years now and has written a book. Again it helps and gives me hope for my son.
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Hi 68862 I’m really sorry, its so stressful for you to go through this. Its easy to say that you just say ‘no’ but so hard when you do it. I’ve caved in loads of times, and I think they lose perspective on how much £600 actually is because their lives are all about spending large amounts on drink or drugs. They don’t choose to live that way its just where they’ve ended up, but everyone suffers, as their mum’s I don’t think there can be much pain greater than this.
Just keep talking on the thread, it is the thing that has got me through recently. Sometimes I am in work meetings and an email pops up, I just find it comforting to read about others out there. I feel sad for all of us, but know that this thread has amazing people on it and I feel lucky to have found them.
Tonight was a good one for me, I sat in the sunshine with my son and we ate fish and chips, he was completely his old self, and I just wanted to savour the moment, of him feeling comfortable and talking and joking like we used to. When you are going through the bad times its hard to remember or to keep believing that the person they were before all of this is still there somewhere. I wish I could hang on to that thought.
I hope you can switch your phone off tonight and watch something good on tv, and not think about it for a few hours. I’m thinking of you xxx
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Thanks Bump and how lovely having time with your son like old times. Yes this thread has been a massive lifeline to me recently so thank you everyone. Just waiting for hubby to come home from fishing and tell him the bad news again. Wish me luck. X
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Thanks for that jem. I think I have forgotten who my old son was. I’m glad you had that time.
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Thanks Bump, In the sunshine, he looked so handsome and we were talking about things from his childhood, it all felt so normal. I actually felt my heart rate slow down and I just tried to really enjoy and appreciate the moment. It was like a war stopping for a little while.
I hope that your son is doing okay, I know what a long struggle its been, knowing where he is at night and that he’s safe must be a relief, although I get that he’s probably hating it.
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It is so nice to see them like their old selves! You do just try to drink it all in and enjoy that moment. I’ve had those with my son too, although it makes it bittersweet when their gone again.
My son recently went to the hospital to detox, which I was relieved to hear. It’s not safe for him to detox alone. He has to go there to get the medicine that helps him detox. He didn’t tell me he was going, just that he was there for four days and that he came home and cried. At the hospital, a social worker usually comes in and gives them resources which he never uses. I texted him a few days later and he just said that he’s exhausted and depressed. I just told him to hang in there, that he could do it. I have to keep my distance to protect myself. This last relapse of his was very difficult. He did and said a lot of awful things to me. I realize that it was the alcohol talking, but I’m human and those things affect a person. They’re hard to forget. When he gets sober, he says he wishes everyone could just forget the past and move forward. The guilt for him then is terrible. And then the guilt, anxiety and stress start to take a toll on him and then you start to see the cracks. I always pray that this time will be the one for good, but I’ve learned to not start to hope too much. It must be on mind though because the last few nights I’ve had dreams that he’s his old self again. I’ve had to accept that really he’ll probably never be that old self again completely, and I’ll have to learn a new normal.
I hope you’re all having a good day today! Best wishes to all! ❤️
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Hi ladies, I’ve been catching up with your posts.
Jem – I’m so pleased for you, you spent some quality time with your son. I truly hope you have more moments like that.
February Marie- I’m glad you have joined this thread, a problem shared ..etc sorry to hear about your son in hospital. I thought my son was going to have to go last week for a detox too. The doctor wouldn’t help him at all. He seems to have come through it without medical intervention thankfully.
Bump – i hope you are keeping better knowing your son is safe.
God bless you all, thinking of everyone here.
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi All so an update on Thursday. I told my husband when he got home from fishing about what our son had done again (he always asks if everything is OK when he comes in and can tell by my face). He went to his flat to see him and talk but didn’t get much change. Whilst he was there my son’s girlfriend messaged me to say she was walking away now. She had to for her own mental health. Anyway my husband agreed to give him his rent money but we are both in agreement that if it happens again we will have to walk away too. Its been too long of trying to help he needs to do this on his own and suffer the consequences if he can’t pay for it. We should have done it a long time ago but as Parents you try to help and protect your children. We are both in our 60s and don’t need this anymore. It’s getting harder to deal with. Yesterday he spent the whole day in bed sleeping it off. I don’t know what’s going to happen now but I always live in hope that each time he will wake up and think this time I’m going to recover. Hope you all have a good weekend x
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Hi Ladies,
Have been reading a.lol of your posts as I do most days. I hope things improve for our Sons.
My Son is doing well at the moment and as you will all know it is so much easier and calmer when they are somewhat free of the alcohol and drugs.
He finds it hard everyday. Luckily he holds down a job which he is good at, he has joined the Gym this week and it took him a lot to go, but he did it in the end and was so glad that he did, I think exercise is so good for them and gives them something to concentrate on. He chats a lot to other addicts in Recovery which he says helps him because they know exactly what they are feeling and fighting.
I hope you all have a good weekend, think of you all often.
Take care
Dx
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Hi Debc, I’m so pleased for you and your son. That’s great news , as others have said, it gives up hope for our boys. I guess there will always be positive and negative news on this thread.
It’s so good to hear positive news.
My son is in a slightly better place than before, in that he’s seeking support and seems to be interested in work again. I’m also thankful that he is managing to hold down his job. He needs to take up an interest or hobby like your son, as he’s still moping about a bit. Time to take care of you now.
Lx
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Hi Ladies,
Have been reading a.lol of your posts as I do most days. I hope things improve for our Sons.
My Son is doing well at the moment and as you will all know it is so much easier and calmer when they are somewhat free of the alcohol and drugs.
He finds it hard everyday. Luckily he holds down a job which he is good at, he has joined the Gym this week and it took him a lot to go, but he did it in the end and was so glad that he did, I think exercise is so good for them and gives them something to concentrate on. He chats a lot to other addicts in Recovery which he says helps him because they know exactly what they are feeling and fighting.
I hope you all have a good weekend, think of you all often.
Take care
Dx
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Hello 68862, it’s such a difficult decision over rent, and knowing how much worse things can get if your son is homeless. Is there an opportunity to try and take control of his money as it comes in. I have a bit of an agreement with my son at the moment that if he wants help then I control his money. It’s not perfect and does go wrong but it has helped quite a bit. When he gets paid he transfers the bulk of it to me and I transfer back in smaller amounts. My son made a comment a while ago about a friend of his ‘if he’s not prepared to hand over his money he’s not serious or ready to be helped.’ I guess the problem is that even if they aren’t ready you still want them to have a roof over their head, so this might be completely unworkable or something you’ve tried before. I really feel for you with this, it’s a long drawn out agony, that drains you mentally and financially.
Lindyloo I hope that things are okay with your son. Thank you for your kind words, I’m trying to learn to appreciate small positives and not to focus on the bad stuff – very hard though.
I hope everyone has a good day with no drama.
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Debc – it’s really good to hear your news, you must be happy to have a life that’s a bit calmer, it sounds like your son’s doing really well. Joining a gym is a big step, I can’t imagine my son ever doing that. It’s great to hear good news, it reminds me that they turn corners and anything is possible. Take care xxx
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Gives US hope….
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Gives US hope….
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Hi all- 68862 it’s such a hard thing to do when faced with icing me them money yet again. You’re always hoping that this take they’ll take the help and finally do something with it. I’m sure some do. With my son, I’ve had to say no for a long time now. He’s a taker.
I just texted him yesterday to see how he’s doing since going to the hospital to detox. He said he’s depressed which happens. I asked him if he got in touch with a therapist and he says he tried. Who knows? He said his problem right now is money. He was trying to get his doctorate a few years back and messed that up with his drinking. Now he’s trying to get back in the program so he can get student loans again. That’s how he’s been living all these years. He’s a career student. He has more student debt than he can even repay in his lifetime. Right now the university is saying no and he’s freaking out. In the this last relapse he actually asked me to support him financially so he could finish his degree which he hasn’t even been working on these last few years! He said, “Aren’t you proud of me and don’t you want me to finish?” Do you see the manipulation? Well I said no. I told him, you’re 39 years old and you need to get a job. I work for my money and you need to also. You’re not a kid. Well it escalated and he hung up on me.
It’s worrisome to me that his focus is more on getting loans than the hard work of sobriety. He usually does this when he gets sober and then he sees how bad his life is, how much he’s hurt his loved ones, and then the guilt and anxiety get too much and well, we know how what happens then. I pray he’ll dig deep and find the strength. I know it’s in there, but he’s developed such a pattern. He’s a loving person as I’m certain all of our sons are, I just haven’t seen that in him for a long while. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit negative. He’s running out of money and that means there’s going to be problems.
Hugs to all!!! ♥️♥️♥️
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Hey everyone I’ve had something else to focus on this afternoon, my daughters baby shower albeit very small because of restrictions. We had it in our garden in the gorgeous sunshine. It really took my mind off of things. She’s due in 3 weeks and I’m so looking forward to the distraction.
Jem thank you for suggesting me holding on to his money for him but we did try a while back but it didn’t work and tbh the majority of his money goes straight out on bills etc and this is why he ends up asking to borrow from us to pay for his habit! To be fair this is the first time he’s used his rent money and I just hope it’s the last time.
Februarymarie, my son is a taker too! Never offers to pay back (when he can), everything is all about what we can do for him. You son’s comment would be my son’s too. Forget all the pain and heartache they’ve caused but we should be proud because they’ve attempted something they should be doing anyway.
DebC I wish my son would get some exercise its so good for them so well done to yours.
Goodnight ladies, I’m shattered after today and probably the last few days stress catching up with me. Have a great, trouble free Sunday ????????????????
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Hi 68862
Hope you had a lovely day with your family. A little grandchild soon, that’s great news.
I think it will be a while before I’m a granny lol. I’m certainly old enough but I guess circumstances prevent it for the moment and my daughter is still at uni.
Hope you’re all enjoying the lovely sunny weekend.
Take care all.
Lx
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68862- congratulations on your grandchild (5) due to arrive soon! My grandchildren are such an incredible source of joy to this weary heart. They bring such love and real smiles to my life. And my two daughters too. I’m so proud of the moms they’ve become. I have a good husband, a good extended family. They remind me that there is a lot of good in my life. It’s something I’m really working on- to put my energy in the good places. If I could just fix that one corner of my life with my son…… but I can’t. He has to. If you met me, you’d never know I carry this sorrow because I’m an upbeat person but of course it’s there. I’m so grateful that I have found all of you to have my safe place for that corner of my life that everyone else is probably sick of hearing about because it’s a roller coaster.
I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. I’m heading home from a camping trip in Moab, Utah. Maybe you could look it up, it’s such a unique and incredible place! I mostly did great. Thoughts of my son most days, but overall a wonderful time.
♥️♥️♥️
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Wow, Utah USA. I forget that people here are posting from all over the world. Sounds idyllic, im glad you had that time and the rest of the family are supportive.
Yes, I was usually the good natured upbeat jokey one but not lately. Trying to put on a brave face fir my family, and work aren’t aware so it’s a good distraction there. Yep, I agree, its hard to switch off from worrying about them isn’t it?
At least your battery has been charged for the week ahead!
Sending hugs across the miles
Lx
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Thanks Lindy Loo! I live in Colorado, USA ????????. It’s about a 5 1/2 hour drive.
We’ll all keep putting our brave face for the world and then we have each other for the rough stuff. ????????????
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How lovely Februarymarie, I bet that did you the world of good and you’re in the States, wow. I have a pen pal ????
Me too, I have an upbeat nature and a lot of people would be gobsmacked if they knew half of what’s going on in my family but I keep it all together as best I can. We had a good Sunday today with my son bringing my grandson for the afternoon and Sunday dinner. I don’t know, there was something different about him. I’m just hoping it’s the realisation of what he’s put people through. Apparently he cried most of the day yesterday as his girlfriend has definitely finished it and won’t be talked round. Good for her I say! What we carry on our shoulders eh Lindyloo? The fake smiles and saying everything is fine. But we’re strong ladies and we’ve got each other if only through this forum. Let’s pray for a good week ????
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Hi 68862,
Absolutely, im hoping you ladies inspire me, you already do, you’re all so strong.
We’ll always have good days and bad days but we all have each other here. I’ve said it before…something positive out if something negative.
Yes, here’s to a good week, and lockdown here is relaxing. Thank the Lord!
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi All
Lindyloo suggested I post on here.
So here’s my story .
My Beautiful Boy – we watched the film, my son cried and said that he wanted to stop smoking weed. By this time he’d been smoking for 3 years.
We are now in our 5th year and he has no signs of slowing down.
We have had family chats more times than I care to mention whereby he cries and tells us he wants to stop, he’s sorry – all the right words that we want to hear. We forgive him and say lets move forwards. We don’t we just go back to the same routine. After one of our chats – he brought £110 worth the following day, apparently it was too good an offer to miss.
I’ve found out he’s been out smoking and driving home so I’ve messaged him saying don’t come back and I’ve locked him out. He’s sofa surfed and then come back promising to change – lasts a day at the most now.
He is in his final year of university and his dissertation is slowly coming together – as with everything n his life he will pass by the skin of his teeth.
He started at the end of his GCSE’s. I found rolled up pieces of card and cigarette papers in his pocket – I guessed he had maybe had a joint and hoped that would be it. I left them on his desk with a note saying: should I be worried??!!! No reply and they vanished never to be discussed or spoken about.
I didn’t tell my husband as he works long hours and didn’t think he needed any added stresses.
I discovered he was smoking weed on a regular basis and he said he only did it occasionally. I then had to tell my husband as I felt it was going to get out of hand and we needed to nip it in the bud.
Since then it’s gone onto him smoking daily. I feel he was self medicating with weed at first; I think it relaxed him and made him confident when dealing with social situations.
However, it’s now a reliance and he is addicted. He’s irritable when he can’t have a smoke, this has alienated him from the family.
I have blamed all his friends he’s been in contact with but when I read his messages he instigates the buying,meeting up etc. So I’ve stopped blaming them and I’ve come to realise he is an addict and can’t do without it.
He drives after smoking it; parking up then driving home. He cannot see the harm or danger in this. we have said if he gets caught this could affect his whole future if he had a criminal record.
Also, it’s the lies he tells in order to smoke. Where he’s going – we have found out he’s driven miles to meet up with people. At one stage we thought he was dealing; possibly county lines.
He lied and told us he was staying at his girlfriends and told her he was at home – turned out one of his associates has a flat; a group of them were holed up smoking weed and taking acid.
He’s in debt – we’ve bailed him out but now I refuse as my stance is if he can afford weed he should be responsible for his money management.
His addiction has caused arguments between me and my husband as I have a zero tolerance and think he could do without it, my husband says leave him he’ll grow out of it – I can’t see it.
I’ve since found out he’s been taking acid again – my husband confronted him, as I lose my patience – he denied it.
His routine now is go to bed early hours, get up, food, bath, go out or work ( he has a part time job in a local supermarket, god knows how he keeps it going), or he drives to his friends – I don’t see them as friends I see them as fellow addicts, or his friend picks him up if we’ve taken his keys from him, comes back early hours as he knows we’re in bed and won’t confront him – Repeat.
He looks awful, he is so thin but hides it with baggy clothes but when he comes downstairs without a top, his waist is so thin.
He is someone I don’t recognise, I don’t see him as my bright, good looking, athletic son – I see him as an addict plain and simple.
I don’t know what the answer is – if I throw him out he will either sink lower or realise that it’s no life and want to change.
I’m heartbroken and lost.
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Hi All
Lindyloo suggested I post on here for support.
Here’s my story…….
My Beautiful Boy – we watched the film, my son cried and said that he wanted to stop smoking weed. By this time he’d been smoking for 3 years.
We are now in our 5th year and he has no signs of slowing down.
We have had family chats more times than I care to mention whereby he cries and tells us he wants to stop, he’s sorry – all the right words that we want to hear. We forgive him and say lets move forwards. We don’t we just go back to the same routine. After one of our chats – he brought £110 worth the following day, apparently it was too good an offer to miss.
I’ve found out he’s been out smoking and driving home so I’ve messaged him saying don’t come back and I’ve locked him out. He’s sofa surfed and then come back promising to change – lasts a day at the most now.
He is in his final year of university and his dissertation is slowly coming together – as with everything n his life he will pass by the skin of his teeth.
He started at the end of his GCSE’s. I found rolled up pieces of card and cigarette papers in his pocket – I guessed he had maybe had a joint and hoped that would be it. I left them on his desk with a note saying: should I be worried??!!! No reply and they vanished never to be discussed or spoken about.
I didn’t tell my husband as he works long hours and didn’t think he needed any added stresses.
I discovered he was smoking weed on a regular basis and he said he only did it occasionally. I then had to tell my husband as I felt it was going to get out of hand and we needed to nip it in the bud.
Since then it’s gone onto him smoking daily. I feel he was self medicating with weed at first; I think it relaxed him and made him confident when dealing with social situations.
However, it’s now a reliance and he is addicted. He’s irritable when he can’t have a smoke, this has alienated him from the family.
I have blamed all his friends he’s been in contact with but when I read his messages he instigates the buying,meeting up etc. So I’ve stopped blaming them and I’ve come to realise he is an addict and can’t do without it.
He drives after smoking it; parking up then driving home. He cannot see the harm or danger in this. we have said if he gets caught this could affect his whole future if he had a criminal record.
Also, it’s the lies he tells in order to smoke. Where he’s going – we have found out he’s driven miles to meet up with people. At one stage we thought he was dealing; possibly county lines.
He lied and told us he was staying at his girlfriends and told her he was at home – turned out one of his associates has a flat; a group of them were holed up smoking weed and taking acid.
He’s in debt – we’ve bailed him out but now I refuse as my stance is if he can afford weed he should be responsible for his money management.
His addiction has caused arguments between me and my husband as I have a zero tolerance and think he could do without it, my husband says leave him he’ll grow out of it – I can’t see it.
I’ve since found out he’s been taking acid again – my husband confronted him, as I lose my patience – he denied it.
His routine now is go to bed early hours, get up, food, bath, go out or work ( he has a part time job in a local supermarket, god knows how he keeps it going), or he drives to his friends – I don’t see them as friends I see them as fellow addicts, or his friend picks him up if we’ve taken his keys from him, comes back early hours as he knows we’re in bed and won’t confront him – Repeat.
He looks awful, he is so thin but hides it with baggy clothes but when he comes downstairs without a top, his waist is so thin.
He is someone I don’t recognise, I don’t see him as my bright, good looking, athletic son – I see him as an addict plain and simple.
I don’t know what the answer is – if I throw him out he will either sink lower or realise that it’s no life and want to change.
I’m heartbroken and lost.
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Welcome to the thread MrsB
We’re all in the same boat here and sad to read you’re going through the same.
At least we have each other here.
Lx
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Thank you.
It’s good to know you’re not alone and everyone’s stories are similar in the way we feel and are treated by our loved ones
M
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Hello MrsB247- welcome to the group of people who know your pain. I’m much farther along than you in that my son has been an alcoholic for probably 10 years now. So much of what you’re expressing is what we’re all going through- it’s unbearable, but this group helps me get by. It sounds like your son is young. I really pray
that he will learn it’s not the way to live and change. Hugs to you! ♥️
I feel like you’re all my UK pen pals! I’d love to go there someday!
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Thank you
You feel like you’re going mad and you’re the one who’s wrong.
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MrsB247 I feel your pain and anguish , as long as he’s still being nice and friendly to you I wouldn’t throw him out , It could make it worse. I would talk to him as an adult and tell him that you understand his choices ( make him feel like an adult) but he has to understand the home rules.
As others are working in the house he needs to come home at a decent time as so not to make noise.
Also take a photo or two of him without his top and mention to him that he’s loosing weight .
Involve him in family things get an connection going.
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Hi Mrs B247 Lindyloo suggested it to me too and I’m so grateful. I’m so sorry about your son and your story sounds all too familiar so welcome to the thread.
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We are all from different backgrounds, our stories are different but there is a common thread that runs through our stories.
M
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MrsB247- you’re not crazy. It’s the addiction that is crazy. Your loved one tells you they’re fine, and you know in your head that it’s not true, but your heart tries to believe them because it makes you feel better in the moment. They tell you it’s no big deal, and that you’re overreacting and inside you pray that are, but you know that you’re not overreacting- you’re scared.
At least it was for me. I did this for many years, thinking it was just a phase, or youthful partying, or that it was because of the stress in his life. His sisters tried to tell me years ago and I thought they were being too hard on him and they were overreacting! The truth is, for me this has been a journey of trying to accept what I know to be true, that my son is an addicted alcoholic. I have had to accept it these last few years because they’ve been so bad, and still nothing different for him but the same pattern. And more things he’s losing like his health, his future career and most shockingly, his family which I would never, ever have thought possible.
Hang in there as best as you can. It helps if you and your husband can mostly be aligned in the things you do. Many marriages are torn apart from this, and you need each other.
Love to you ❤
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Februarymarie
I have become the bad cop as I have now reached the point whereby I don’t want him in my life any more.
As a mother that’s awful but I have faced facts he’s an addict, he is selfish, he has no thought for his family home and I don’t want this for the rest of my life.
I want to live and enjoy my life. Instead we have a pattern of lying, coming home late, debt, mixing with the wrong crowd.
My husband is still trying to see the good in him and this is causing conflict.
Thanks for your support
M
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Hi ladies, i just wondered if you read Danman83’s stories. He recently posted he’s 4 months clean from alcohol and cocaine.
He has always given advice from a different prospective which is good. It helped me to understand my son better, it also gives me hope that my son can get back on track and turn his life around.
My son also partied hard as a teen, from 14, I believe . He told me recently that it made him more confident. But then it spiralled out of control, he started gambling a lot, more partying. He finally stopped the gambling, drinking more, leading to cocaine. Such a waste, all his hard earned cash down the pan or up his nose.
Thankfully he’s still employed, a functioning addict, no cocaine though I’m told.
I pray he sees the light, he’s managed almost 6 months clean until a few weeks ago he relapsed.
Sad but we just have to deal with it.
The addiction prayer begins…
“Please God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”.etc Google it.
It pretty much works for the loved ones of addicts too.
Sending hugs
Lx
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Thanks Lindy Loo- I’ll check out Danman. ♥️
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Hi Lindyloo yes I’ve read Danman83’s posts and it gives me hope like so many of the recovering addicts I follow on tik toc. Your boy’s story could be my son’s exactly as you’ve described except he’s never been clean or gamble free for 6 mths. That’s a brilliant achievement.
When his first serious girlfriend finished with him after 6 years because he owed 10k in loans, he was 24, he went straight out and got the prayer tattooed on his arm. Lot of good that did!
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Oh dear, I guess the serenity prayer doesn’t always work for everyone !
Yes, so frustrating, he did it through AA and CA, personally I think it’s the only thing that’s worked.
He has met some good people through it though. He says he doesn’t want to do the Big book yet again. Pity.
Let’s hope and pray for a good week, thinking of you all here.
Lx
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Mrs B , I noticed the Icarus trust replied to your post, perhaps they can help and support you through this difficult time?
I think I would contact them if it was me, I think they have counselling services.
Every situation is different, I suppose. I know I’m probably enabling my son atm, he has no money until payday Friday. But I’ve been keeping him going on food and tobacco. He lives i his own flat thankfully, so whatever he does, its not under our noses like before which was a nightmare.
I feel that, as long as he’s eating, he’s able to work, to earn. At least we’re in contact so I’m happy to do it, but I always get a knot in my stomach when I see he’s phoning me. I guess that feeling never goes until they’re 100 clean for a while.
My husband doesn’t get too involved any more, he’s worried for his mental and physical health. So its pretty much down to me.
I just hope and pray that he can turn a corner like before.
Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Lx
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Thanks
I will contact them.
I paid for private counselling sessions for him. He attended 2, I looked on his phone while he was asleep and he messaged his friend after the first session saying, “That’s an hour of my life I won’t get back”
But I feel I need something as I’m just going through the motions.
M
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Hi Mrs. B247- counseling has helped me enormously over the years. It has helped me with the guilt, the grief over all that has been lost, the sadness, and the fear. I haven’t conquered all of it, and I may never, but I have improved a lot. I have also gone to many Al-anon meetings and I know it has helped so many people, but it wasn’t quite the right fit for me. At Al-anon, you don’t talk too much about your “person” who has the addiction because they want you to focus on yourself which is good too. But that’s why this place is so good for me because I do need to talk about him sometimes. I also don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. It’s such a hard place, if this was anyone other than our child, we’d probably cut them out of our life for good and have some peace, but it doesn’t feel natural to do that. And I don’t judge those parents who choose to do that either.
I know my son really, really needs counseling. He’s never really consistently done it and it’s so critical for him. He needs to get out of his own head and his distorted thinking. But, as with everything else, I can’t make him. You may have some leverage with them if they live at home, but mine doesn’t so what can you do?
The important thing is that you are a valuable human being, and deserving of some peace in your life. You have every right to take some of that wasted energy on them and put it on yourself. Hugs to you..❤
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Hi Februarymarie
I have contacted to arrange counselling for myself – I am in the 5th year of this and it’s now taking it’s toll on me.
We had a ‘chat’ with my son at lunch time before he left for work. My husband called it; said he has to stop smoking and driving otherwise he’ll take his car off him. My husband said the police have only got to see you with a light out or something and pull you over. Weed is in your system for days and you smoke every day. He just stands there listening then gets defensive, then ‘arsey’ and walks off.
I said don’t you want to stop and live a normal life – then he shouts at me, never his Dad!!
He has now lost 2 house keys and we won’t give him another. I said maybe he’ll come back at a decent hour – no luck; went out yesterday at 1.30pm came back at 2.30am!
I just want him to pass his degree then I have leverage to say do something or leave.
Not what I want to do but I cannot live like this any longer xxx
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Hello to Everyone on this thread who has shared their stories. Yes, all have a common theme and variations on what is going on in our sons’ lives. Sadly, I had to find the strength to make the heartwrenching decision to say goodbye to my son, his actions and behaviours were totally destroying me. I was enabling him with constantly giving him money, buying him food and doing his washing. Work and studying belonged to the distant past and I had to endure the agony of prison visits and child protection meetings. I continue to hope and pray, that is all that is left now but my heart is full of pain. I truly hope that you and yours find some peace and that addictions can be overcome /supported. It is impossible for people to understand unless they have experienced the nightmare of it all and the catastrophic effects on the addict and their loved ones. No-one at work knows anything and only a couple of my very closest friends. Hope and peace to you all. Thank you for your shared stories which help to relieve the isolation of it all
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Hi nanny ger,
Sending you a big hug, and hoping that you are feeling ok ish.
I think you have been very strong making your decision, there is only so much that we can take, and they do say you have to be cruel to be kind, and I think that’s very true.
It’s time to take some time for yourself and take care of you.
I say to people that unless you live or have lived with addiction, they will never know the nightmare that we live with, I can only describe it as hell.
Take care
Dx
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Hi Nannyger
I’m so sorry to read your latest post. I agree with the others, you have endured so much pain and did your best for him. I can’t imagine what you have been through.
None of my parents or family know or work colleagues only 2 very close friends. At least I know I can talk freely here and know i won’t be judged and have other mums who understand.
I think and pray for us all daily in the hope that our son’s lives improve and that we can move on with ours.
Take care , sending you thoughts and prayers.
Lx
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Hi nanny ger
I totally get it.
I feel like i’m a hamster on a wheel, going round and round. The constant cycle of lies, debt, weed, worry, arguments, broken promises.
I am ready to cut ties with him as he’s costing me my marriage, health, life. I need to try to get on with my life. Asa mother I will never stop worrying or thinking about him. BUT I have to remember he doesn’t return the concern or love, I also have to remember it’s the weed and not him.
I found a considerable stash in his car at the weekend along with seeds – I showed my husband who was concerned but says leave him till he’s completed his university then we’ll address it.
I too have confided in my 2 close friends, work colleagues are unaware – they think we are perfect 2.4 family. On the surface we are inside it’s a mess.
Good luck to everyone on here and we have the strength to carry on.
It helps to type on here and vent.
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Nanny ger, I am so sorry that you’ve gone through all of this. I can’t imagine the misery of seeing my son in prison or homeless, like some of the mum’s on this thread. I just know some of the fear and helplessness you will have experienced and the lack of support by professionals. I’ve no idea how you you’ve carried on at work and put on that face every day. I really hope that your life gets easier. I feel for your son as well and hope that at some point he is able to turn his life around. You have to get on with with living yours now. You’ve done everything you possibly can and have other people who need you to survive this. I am thinking of you x
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I agree with Debc it’s pure hell and we have to just hope for a happy ending one day x
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Hi Nanny Ger I am so sorry that your story took you to prison visits. You did everything you could for your son. Your love enabled him and that is no different to any of us that have or are going through. We live in fear that we will have to cut all ties with our son one day. Please know that you have our utmost respect and love and fully support your decision. Incidentally, on Casualty this Saturday which I don’t normally watch a character cut all ties with her son after he got her involved in dealing prescription drugs. It’s such a heartbreaking thing to do but sometimes something has to give. X
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Yes, loving an addict and the suffering that it brings, is a hell that only we know. Part of what makes it so awful is the ups and downs, the uncertainty even when they get sober at times, and that this just never ends. Even when you take steps to remove them out of your life, you still suffer with an incredible pain in your heart. A long while ago, I used to hear about or know families who were estranged. I would think, ” I can’t imagine anything that my child would do that would make me stop talking to them.” How wrong I was. I couldn’t have seen this whole addiction thing coming. I thought love could conquer all and it just doesn’t.
MrsB247- I hope that you have connected with a good counselor. I hope your son does manage to finish his degree- my son hasn’t finished his PhD and I don’t think they’re going to let him back in. At least if your son finishes, maybe your son will get his life together and at least he’ll have that. You talk about the lost house keys, my son has probably lost at least 6 phones in the past- I’m sure while intoxicated. He’s been robbed while intoxicated, he’s had stitches on both sides of his face from falling. It goes on and on. Sometimes those feelings of ‘I can’t go on like this’ give you the courage to make small changes in how you deal with them, and gives you some breathing room.
nanny ger- oh how my heart goes out to you. I have not had the prison piece of it. I can’t even imagine that. My son has had two DUI’s, but didn’t have to serve jail time. This addiction lifestyle is so insane that it is definitely in the realm of possibility that there could be incarceration for something. I reached a limit with him a few months back when he was treating me so terrible and harassing me so bad that I had to block him on my phone- it felt so weird and yet, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I truly felt emotionally abused. We didn’t speak for months. When he’s drinking, I don’t even know who he is. I recently unblocked him because he reached out by email and seemed more calmed down.
When I was heading home from the trip that I shared last week, he texted me to tell me he had just gotten out of the hospital from detoxing for four days. He said he was very depressed. I didn’t know what to say, it’s the same each time. He supposedly has an addiction counselor, but I don’t know if he’ll even go- he hasn’t before. Our Mother’s Day here in the States is this upcoming Sunday. He said he doesn’t know what to do with Mother’s Day and I said I think you need time and I said, ‘So do I’. He hurt me so bad with this last relapse- he was so awful, honestly I’m not ready to see him in person. I want him to see his counselor and have longer sobriety. He said, ” I don’t see what sin I’ve committed that I should get the silent treatment. How long do I have to be sober for the family to say I’m officially sober”.
Wow- really??!! How do I even begin to tell him. I just said, ‘You keep going and we’ll talk’. Sadly, this tells me that he still doesn’t take responsibility for his actions while intoxicated. The pain he causes me makes me afraid of him, and I don’t which person he’ll be when I see him.
You are all brave, loving, and dedicated mothers. I’m know that we’ve all done more than we should have by now, but we’re moms and that’s all we know how to do . But we’re people too and Jem, you’re right. We have many people who love us and I know I need to remember that. You stop caring about yourself because you’re so beat down, but that’s just not right.
Love to you all. One day a time….❤❤❤
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Hi February Marie, just to wish you Happy Mother’s Day, I hope it’s special for you. For us ladies in the UK , Mother’s day was in March.
Thinking and praying for us all here.
Take care all ❤
Lx
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Thanks Lindy Loo! Yes, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday here in the States.
It was a mix of feelings- happiness and sorrow at the same time which is just crazy. My youngest daughter, who lives near me, decided to go out of town with her husband and two little ones. My middle daughter lives out of state and she sent me a sweet bouquet of flowers. I’m proud of both of them as moms. I realized that it meant that I would not be with any of my kids on Mother’s Day. ( My mom has passed.) I decided to go and join my sister and her family for breakfast with my hubby. It was good, but hard too to see their happy family.
I was not ready to see my son- it’s only been a couple of weeks since he went to detox. My son did text me on the day which I was telling myself not to expect. He sent me a bit of a strange card too about how we’ll get past this hard time, which i found strange because we are in this hard time because of him and he made no mention of that. I texted him thank you and told him I loved him very much.
Today I feel sorrowful. I made the best of Mother’s Day. I know there are good things in my life. But here is my safe place to let my feelings of sorrow out. My heart is just hurting that he has destroyed so much of his life and himself too. He was a good looking young man who now looks used up. He was a very smart young man who had it all going for him. My expectations of him are now so low, that if he can get and stay sober, I told him I don’t care what kind of job he does as long as its legal, moral and ethical. I don’t care if he lives in his tiny apartment for the rest of his life. I don’t care if he chooses to not every marry and have children. I just want him alive and sober and supporting himself. A far cry from what he was capable of.
Honestly, every holiday goes like this. I stay present and celebrate and do my best for those whom I love and who love me, and yet there is this sorrow.
To you all- thanks for letting me get it all out. Just feeling a bit sad today….
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Hi February Marie
I was thinking of you on Mother’s day and hoping you found some special time with your family.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling low, I was a bit like that over the weekend. It’s sad when you just can’t switch off completely.
Its the nature of the beast I guess. Even when my son was clean for all those months, I still had a sense of uneasiness . At least you know that you’re not alone with these thoughts, we’re all sisters here, we can talk about our feelings here freely. No judgement . Everyone feeling Everyone else’s pain.
We as mums can do no more, we have other children who thrive and are successful. Please try not to punish yourself with all the, maybe if this or that, or tried this . Its ultimately down to their choices.
Feel free to off load or vent anytime.
Sending hugs across the miles
Lx
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Thank you Lindyloo- love to you as well. ❤❤❤
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It’s the worst thing ever seeing your son going through this I’m laying here listening to him constantly blowing he’s nose makes me feel sick
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Yes, the whole addiction thing makes you feel sick- both physically and mentally.
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I can very much sympathise with what your going through, I find I’m a softer person more so than my husband even though he loves our son as much as me. I’m the one that’s spun a web of lies and have been falling for it. As a mother no matter what age I can’t switch off, maybe I need to try a little more.
Sending peace to you
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I don’t know where to start really I have a 20yr old son who’s apparently had an unhealthy habit for drugs and alcohol for quite some years. My son started going out into the town drinking before he was of age sneaking around with his friends and getting absolutely ratfaced, me and my husband let things go a few times but then we started to turn corners with him and he backed off from going out as much as he was living with us. Then at 18 things went really south and he started going out drinking and seeing some so called friends, ones he hadn’t originally started off with but apparently so it seems now had the same interest as him (cocaine and alcohol) the alarm bells were ringing even at that point, especially when they would do all day benders and he’d come back relatively sober and sometimes not smelling like much alcohol at all, to looking like he’d had a skin and very agitated and aggressive to some respect. I wanted to believe he didn’t do that not my son who’s so loveable and friendly (when sober and not uti) He’d had a long term girlfriend who had known about this issue for some time but had not made us aware of the situation as both my parents were undergoing cancer treatment at the time and my grandmother had just passed away. Things were already strained for us all. Even my eldest son knew of this habit that was forming and never thought to make us aware, although my husband said he could just tell it wasn’t just alcohol. He had said to us he wanted to change and didn’t want to do this anymore, which I believed, and I also believed that he could just kick the habit of socially taking cocaine to just having a drink but most of the time they now seem to have been very much a dual habit… unfortunately my sons gf couldn’t carry on as they were and they both parted ways… very sad in itself, but then he lost total control and lost his job form where he’d worked from school, to trying to pull money in from anywhere he could.. but the pandemic things cooled off and he was becoming more like himself again calm happy and great fun to be around… now things are lifting again and he’s already left our house to live with two of his better friends, but we have caught him trying to drive while he’s intoxicated and uti …. the panic dread fear have taken hold of me so much right now,I’m holding myself responsible for not getting him the help that he needed before… he said he didn’t want intervention etc… and he wants to move back home again to sort his life out…I am petrified to be honest he’s so unpredictable it scares the hell out of me…but can’t help but blame myself…. I don’t know which way to turn we have lent money to him believing it was for food/ insurance/ rent etc now I know I have just enabled all what I didn’t want too I am at my wits end…
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Hi Asadmum please don’t blame yourself. My son now 33 did exactly the same as yours at 18 and younger. Sadly it’s the coming of age thing where they can go out, get pissed and tbh it’s what we expect. What we don’t expect is the other stuff that so commonly goes along with it and therein lies the problem. At that young age it’s a lot of bravado with their mates but then suddenly they are chasing it. The sad thing is kids younger than when your son started are doing it now. It is just too easy to get. As I said it is not your fault and you cannot do anything to stop him, he has to want to stop himself. No matter how many whatifs you beat yourself up with you couldn’t have stopped him. But the enabling has to stop now, no more money, no more handouts. Sadly we have fallen for the sob stories, promises and lies on too many occasions with him owing us thousands. I am very close to cutting all ties with him if he comes begging again. It’s hard but we are losing our lives because of this my husband is in tears constantly, a big burley bloke like him, its not right! We have to watch what we spend because we’re short of money because of paying his dealers. We have been exactly where you are now and still going through it but you are in no way responsible. We don’t have the answers even though most stories are the same but stay strong you are amongst friends here. Xx
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Oh my goodness, I don’t feel like such a loner after all. Thank you for sharing your story, you are all incredibly compassionate people considering what we are going through/have been through. We haven’t loaned him much money and I’m yet to find out if he owes anyone else at the moment. Me and my husband cut off when we found out that this had not stopped fully. Only a few months ago… after doing so well. Then really relapsed last night and nearly ended up killing himself… he’s back home with us now and not with his friends… I’m praying for a miracle and the right advice… which I’m getting here and I thank you ???? I’ll wait for the miracle just for now xx
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sorry to hear what you are going through asadmum, sadly most us know what you are going through.
I totally get you blaming yourself as I did too, but ive got to a place where i realise i did not in any of my parenting cause him to be an addict.
Its not a parents responsibility to see and act on any eventuality especially when he would have kept alot of it secret, how cld u possibly have known.
see if you can get some support for you externally lots of local drug and alcohol services offer support and counselling etc to families going through what we go through. just having an outlet to share what you are going through.
I had counselling through a local service which helped…yes it doesnt wave a magic wand but it will help with your own mental state.
ive also had alot of support through drugfam who have a hotline you can call to speak to someone.
also through those services you can find out about support for your son, although your son will have to reach the point he does want to engage first.
I was also terrified of my son and his unpredictable ways and ended up telling him to leave.
you have to have boundaries and even though we went through yrs of hell before i did so i do believe it has been the right decision.
my son has been clean so far for 3 mnths although still is unpredictable with his mood swings but we are getting somewhere.
just hold on in there and put your own mental state first when you can.
i wish i cld say more positive words and advice but seriously just remind yourself you did not create this problem you can offer solutions but until he wants to engage ……just put yourself first .
Take care
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Bump – so pleased to hear that your son is 3 months clean. Such a relief for you. I hope he’s proud of himself for this milestone im sure you and the rest of the family will be.
Spring is here and summer is round the corner, we have that to look forward to.
I hope your long covid is easing, I’m better than I was but not yet 100 %. Chest results are clear so no permanent damage thankfully.
I think and pray for us all here daily. Faith, hope and strength same as the AA mottos. Works for us too.
Take care ❤
Lx
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Yes, Bump22 I’m glad to hear about your son! 3 months is something! You’ve all been through so much- take the blessings as they come. A day at a time…
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I’m hoping I can get him to some kind of counselling. He kind of admits a lot then retracts it all and makes up another story. I am not sure if he will ever just tell the truth that’s what makes me think he can’t turn it around. I do need to sort myself as I’m suffering very badly at the moment. My poor husband puts up with my moods aswell and he’s going through the same thing. I pray you have more than another three good months … that’s a positive step forward for sure. I keep my fingers crossed for you all ❤️
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Your son sounds so like mine. I feel very alone with this. He’s not bad during the month but when he gets paid the whole lot goes in one night. He can’t afford to get to work this month he didn’t pay his rent. He has no food. He owes thousands I am so tired but I struggle to turn my back on him. I wish there was somewhere I could turn to for help but there’s no where. No one really wants to know about drug addicts. Everyone tells me not to pay his rent but where will he go. I can’t have him home here with me.
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Hi Asadmum- I agree with 68862 and Bump22. This is not your fault. It’s important to remember that. Many of us have other children besides our addict who are responsible and leading normal lives. If you start to blame yourself too much, it will take your resolve to allow them to suffer their own consequences. I know because I have done that. My son (and two daughters) lost their dad at a very young age ( he was 9, my daughters 6 and 4 ) and I overcompensated and tried to soften his life. Also, many kids do party a lot and a young age and just seem to outgrow it- not my son. And it sounds like you’re starting to see that with your son too.
68862 is so right. No money, loans or taking the consequences of his actions on yourself. I did too much of that too and I can tell you, it doesn’t work, it just delays the whole problem for years. You think they’ll be so appreciative of your help and they’ll get it together and they don’t.
This is so hard on a marriage, on other family members. I’m a big fan of counseling. If you could get him to go, that would be great, but if he doesn’t go, go yourself. Having an addicted family member takes you down hard.
You’re worth taking care of. You don’t give up on your son, we moms never do, but don’t make them your priority.
Hugs to you. ❤
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All of the stories I’ve heard from you on the forum have been incredibly difficult and resonate with our family too. I will try to place myself at the top of the pile as I cannot allow this to kill me off too, though some days it’s a struggle to get through the day without worrying what the hell is going off or what is going to happen. I can’t begin to tell you how invaluable all of your stories have been. May we all receive some peace and better times sooner rather than later ❤️
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Hi Bump22 well done to your son, you must be so proud. Your love and patience is being rewarded.
Get my second jab today thank goodness don’t want to go through covid again thank you very much!!
Our new grandson was a week old on Monday. Thank goodness for distractions as my son’s behaviour has consumed our life and finances too much in the last 3 years. Big love everyone ❤
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68862, just want to say congratulations on the birth of your little grandson! How lovely and what a lovely distraction from all your troubles.
I get my 2nd jag on Monday so I’m also relieved about that too as I’m still dealing with long covid symptoms after a year!
Hugs to all
Lx
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Bump22 – really good news about your son, you must be so relieved. It’s inspiring to hear your news, when things have been so difficult. I hope you’re sleeping better and that your family can enjoy just being normal.
68862 – that’s so lovely that you have a new grandchild, as you say, it’s good to have such a wonderful distraction. My lovely dog does that for me.
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Hi Jem, dogs are just wonderful creatures. Love them to bits ????❤
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I am so lucky to have my little dog. She had an operation last week but is really picking up now. She is also really good for my son and goes in to his room and makes him pay attention ????.
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68862- congratulations on your new little angel! My grandchildren have truly been a saving grace for me. Dogs are angels to us humans too!
I’m heading for a trip to see three of my grandchildren for a long weekend. I can’t wait- I haven’t seen them since last October! I plan to be very present and just soak up the love! ❤️
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Thanks everyone for the congratulations. It really has been a real blessing.
Good luck with the second jab Lindyloo. I feel ok so far ???????? one after effect from covid is my hair has been falling out. I don’t think it’s stress as my friend who had covid has the same problem. Have you been OK?
Have a lovely time with your grandchildren Februarymarie. The perfect way to spend a weekend.
Glad your little dog is making a good recovery Jem. It’s so sad when they’re not well.
Wishing everyone well and a peaceful few days ❤❤❤
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Thankfully my hair seems to be okay. Just fatigue and breathlessness when I over exert myself, which I avoid! Use inhalers daily too. At least we’re survivors!
Lx
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Yes we are the lucky ones xxx
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Thank you 68862! I hope you Covid ladies continue to heal. You don’t need another thing!
Peace and joy to all. ❤️❤️
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Thanks hun, have a nice day, going to bed now.
Lx
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Bump 22 – brilliant that your Son is doing well, long may it continue ????
68862 – congratulations on your Grandson, a wonderful joy.
Februarymarie – have a great weekend.
Hope everyone else is good, taking each day as it comes.
I have had my 2nd COVID jab, no side effects.
Take care everyone.
Dx
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Bump 22 – brilliant that your Son is doing well, long may it continue ????
68862 – congratulations on your Grandson, a wonderful joy.
Februarymarie – have a great weekend.
Hope everyone else is good, taking each day as it comes.
I have had my 2nd COVID jab, no side effects.
Take care everyone.
Dx
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So…..
After 5 long years of weed addiction my Son has decided he wants to start and get clean.
Deep down I’m over the moon. BUT I’ve been here so many times before, only to be let down.
He has found a new girlfriend and she seems to be the influence. He’s finished his degree, he comes straight from work whereas before he’d be out till all hours smoking and driving.
He asked me to mend our relationship, I said it would take time and I’m not willing to do this overnight because it’s what he wants. I’ve had so much pain and had got to the stage where I am putting myself first for my own wellbeing.
My husband is very different and wants to alway see the best in him, which I have done in the past and stopped once I came to terms that he was an addict.
I said to him not once have you ever stopped and realised what you have put me through.
He said tell me.
I was flabbergasted.
I said I’ve had 5 years of ‘THIS’ and you can’t see how you’ve behaved and the effect it’s had on this house?
I had to walk away.
So I wrote him a letter last sunday ,printed it off and gave it to him.
I said how hurt I was that our relationship had broken down, how I would have never believed a mother could not want a relationship with her child but I was that mother, How I’d cried, cried in his face and he laughed at me telling me weed is ok and it’s not addictive, lost sleep, lay awake worrying till i heard his car pull up, worried he’ll get caught and his future will be jeopardized, begged him to stop, spied on him to try and keep him safe – and he carried on smoking weed like cigarettes, driving while stoned, then occasionally ‘popping’ acid as he told his ex girlfriend.
I told him he had never once apologised for his behaviour and we had helped him with so much – I gave him an example of his dad repairing his car, paying for new tyres, exhausts and the minute his car was roadworthy he was off out till all hours smoking weed. no money to pay for the parts but £120 on weed.
I told him his friends weren’t friends and the only thing they had in common was smoking weed – I said look at them, what do you do with them? Nothing, you don’t socialise other than smoke weed in each others cars.
I admitted I had probably handled it wrong but had to be hard and cut ties as he was making me ill. I didn’t want it to be a witch hunt and all the blame on him.
He read it and told me I was deranged – this is after he said he wants to get clean and start afresh.
During this week he’s ‘towed’ the line. BUT he’s done this before with his last girlfriend he started smoking after a few weeks of being with her and then started the rollercoaster of him treating her like he did us – lying etc.
He wants us to meet his new girlfriend; he’s met her parents. We have decided to go for a meal with my daughter and her boyfriend this weekend.
I so want him to get clean and live a ‘Normal’ life but the deceit and hurt he’s caused makes my blood boil. I’m still angry and am waiting for him to go back to his old ways.
I should be pleased but he’s let me down so many times.
Let’s see how long it lasts.
Love to you all xxx
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Hi Mrs B my heart was breaking for you reading your post. I get exactly where you’re coming from the hurt is too much to bear sometimes. It’s the denial, the lack of gratitude for helping them all the time, making out It’s us that has the problem. And when you do help they don’t get why you’re so upset as they’re ok! I sincerely hope he means it this time and his new girlfriend has an influence over him to stop so you can get back to some sort of normality. I hope your meal goes well. Much love xx
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Thank you xx
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Mrs.B I feel like I cld have just written that in particular this morning when I was considering writing a letter to my son.
He has been clean for 3 mnths but still treats me like dirt.
I have nothing left and my nerves are shattered by him.
We let him stay a couple of nights ago and first thing in the morning he kicked off.
Despite that he has asked again if he can stay tonight..calling me first thing..I was I the middle of prepping for a interview today and because I didnt instantly say yes he kicked off again..and he wonders why I hesitate!
He maybe clean tan of drink and drugs but his personality and treatment to us as a family remains disgusting.
He thinks I’m a bad mum for not wanting to see him but the reality is he is only using us for free food and convenience of seeing his friends locally.
He never chats to us or soends quality time and his very presence in the house makes me I’ll.
I’m struggling and worn out with my long covid but of course he doesnt see that.
Of course I’m pleased he has come 3 mnths off substances but I’m still sad and distressed at his treatment to me in particular.
The years of stress and worry have taken its toll and I’m sorry but i cant cope with him anymore.
I’m constantly told love the addict and hate the addiction but what i see is even without the addiction he just is a very selfish and unpleasant person.
Sorry guys but it destroys me that all the worry and everything g we have gone through which has really pulled me down and made me a shadow of who i once was and he doesnt even appreciate it. Worse still treats us so badly.
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I am exactly the same -I should be jumping for joy but the pain of the past 5 years has taken it’s toll on my appearance, my health, my attitude and most of all my marriage.
Stay strong xxx
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Hi all, I’ve been reading the thread and totally sympathise with you all.
My son told me that the addiction desensitises them and they can’t see the destruction they cause.
I’ve often had the ‘so what’s wrong with you..conversation when inside you want to shout out…..IT’S YOU and your addiction that’s put us all through hell, got us walking on eggshells, scared to answer their calls cos you’re not sure what you’re gonna get.
You ladies and the others on this thread are my sisters going through the same nightmare, and we all understand the horrible cycle of addiction and what it does to a family.
I pray for us all daily and hope our boys can fight their battle with addiction. Our boys are still there, somewhere, occasionally we’ll get a glimmer of hope.
We have to try and concentrate on our own health and well-being more importantly. We need to celebrate any positives in our daily lives and vent here whenever we need a friendly word of support, advice or encouragement.
Keep the chins up ladies, me personally- the 2 of them lol.
I thank you all for your input and support here and keep you all in my prayers.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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So…..
After 5 long years of weed addiction my Son has decided he wants to start and get clean.
Deep down I’m over the moon. BUT I’ve been here so many times before, only to be let down.
He has found a new girlfriend and she seems to be the influence. He’s finished his degree, he comes straight from work whereas before he’d be out till all hours smoking and driving.
He asked me to mend our relationship, I said it would take time and I’m not willing to do this overnight because it’s what he wants. I’ve had so much pain and had got to the stage where I am putting myself first for my own wellbeing.
My husband is very different and wants to alway see the best in him, which I have done in the past and stopped once I came to terms that he was an addict.
I said to him not once have you ever stopped and realised what you have put me through.
He said tell me.
I was flabbergasted.
I said I’ve had 5 years of ‘THIS’ and you can’t see how you’ve behaved and the effect it’s had on this house?
I had to walk away.
So I wrote him a letter last sunday ,printed it off and gave it to him.
I said how hurt I was that our relationship had broken down, how I would have never believed a mother could not want a relationship with her child but I was that mother, How I’d cried, cried in his face and he laughed at me telling me weed is ok and it’s not addictive, lost sleep, lay awake worrying till i heard his car pull up, worried he’ll get caught and his future will be jeopardized, begged him to stop, spied on him to try and keep him safe – and he carried on smoking weed like cigarettes, driving while stoned, then occasionally ‘popping’ acid as he told his ex girlfriend.
I told him he had never once apologised for his behaviour and we had helped him with so much – I gave him an example of his dad repairing his car, paying for new tyres, exhausts and the minute his car was roadworthy he was off out till all hours smoking weed. no money to pay for the parts but £120 on weed.
I told him his friends weren’t friends and the only thing they had in common was smoking weed – I said look at them, what do you do with them? Nothing, you don’t socialise other than smoke weed in each others cars.
I admitted I had probably handled it wrong but had to be hard and cut ties as he was making me ill. I didn’t want it to be a witch hunt and all the blame on him.
He read it and told me I was deranged – this is after he said he wants to get clean and start afresh.
During this week he’s ‘towed’ the line. BUT he’s done this before with his last girlfriend he started smoking after a few weeks of being with her and then started the rollercoaster of him treating her like he did us – lying etc.
He wants us to meet his new girlfriend; he’s met her parents. We have decided to go for a meal with my daughter and her boyfriend this weekend.
I so want him to get clean and live a ‘Normal’ life but the deceit and hurt he’s caused makes my blood boil. I’m still angry and am waiting for him to go back to his old ways.
I should be pleased but he’s let me down so many times.
Let’s see how long it lasts.
Love to you all xxx
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Hi Mrs B how are we still standing here? Your boy is no different to mine. Your words are no different to mine. We’ve had the promises of Quitting and how he doesn’t want this life but what have I found out today? Yes he used last Thursday, didn’t go to his girlfriend for the bank holiday weekend but stayed in his flat alone coming down from a coke hangover. We didn’t bring our boys into this world so they could gradually kill themselves with drugs. We protected them from all the dangers when they were growing up only for them to choose a world which is alien to us. I really want to cut all ties and not have anything to do with him. If it was someone else I would so why can’t I tell him it’s over, or not be his cash cow anymore. How much more do we take, can we take? I am absolutely gutted, the way his life has turned out and the affect it has had on all of us. Its like a bad dream ???? I hope your son sticks to it this time Mrs B, I really do. ❤
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I have racked my brains as to where we went wrong. the truth is …. nowhere. He has had everything and more.
The worst is he can’t see the hurt, pain and destruction he is causing.
Stay strong xxxxx
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68862- I don’t know how much we can take either. I don’t know about you all, but I have aged because of this and there’s no getting it back.
Sometimes I feel like I’m dying a slow death like he is and I’m embarrassed to say, that I have sometimes thought I’d be better off dead. Then the pain would end. But, I check myself and remember the good in my life and those who love me and I pull it together once more. I get you when you say you’re gutted.
As I mentioned recently, I went and saw my daughter and precious grandkids. It was so nice! I was looking at my sweet 12 year old grandson and it made me think of my own son and all the hopes I had for him- gone. I just cried to myself and thought ‘ how did we get here?’. When you have nightmares, you wake up and think thank God that was a dream! Now I wake up and am sick that this is real.
Truth is, we can’t take it forever- we’ll get sick. So we must learn to slowly take care of ourselves and I must learn to find a new way of living where his life doesn’t consume mine. I’m mad at him for making me have to do this. To live a life where he may not be in it. I can’t even imagine it and yet, it’s already pretty much true.
On good days, I say that I’m done and I can do this and be strong and just let him go and then I start to miss him. It’s a mess.
Blessings you all my UK friends. ❤️
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Februarymarie, exactly. We try to.leave them to get on and mess their lives up but the love overrides our determination to let them go. If he wasn’t the father of our beautiful first grandson then I think I could maybe disown him but I worry so much about this poor innocent soul having to grow up with a dad like him. Cocaine has made him so selfish that he can never indulge his boy. I’m in a dilemma now about telling his ex he is still using. I want him to suffer so he trys to get better but his son adores him and he adores his son and I’m frightened of breaking that bond. You are right though, it is slowly killing us as parents, my husband especially. I was always the strong one but not any more. We need to take drastic action before it’s too late. I’m so glad you had some precious time with your grandchildren, a welcome distraction for you. My daughter, son in law and 3 week old grandson came for dinner yesterday. It was lovely and sad all at the same time because of my son. Take care my friend ❤
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Hi all
There’s isn’t a day goes by when I don’t think and pray for us all on this thread.
Stay strong my sisters ❤, please find time for yourselves and take pleasure in the little things.
Sending virtual hugs to all,
Lxx
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Thank you for your prayers. xxx
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Hi Everyone
We are all strong women and need to take control and look after ourselves, and enjoy our lives.
Selfish – yes.
But why not?
Our sons will continue to behave in this way as long as they are addicts and we will continue to waste our lives and become more depressed, tired, ill.
I am currently having counselling and the common thread is look after yourself and cut ties for your own self worth and wellbeing.
I realised a long time ago I had to do this, and cut ties with my son. I realised he wasn’t the son I once knew and loved. He is now a drug addict, selfish and puts this first over everything.
I guess I needed a ‘professional’ to tell me it was ok to do this.
All that we have done for him as parents means nothing and is thrown in our face whenever it’s questioned as to why he’s ended up here.
He still lives with us. has just finished his degree by the skin of his teeth – he started his dissertation 2 days before it was due!
He works part time and is constantly overdrawn, however his student bank account will now cease and he will be charged for his overdraft.
My husband still sees the good in him, but I’ve explained this is our 5th year but I hid it from him for 2!!
I cannot get over the pain, hurt and anguish he has caused me.
I have blocked him on all social media, whatsapp and texts/calls. I unblock texts if my husband is working away just in case he needs to call should he get into trouble.
He now has a new girlfriend who is oblivious to it all – he sees her, they do nice things, he drops her home and then goes to meet his friends , smoke weed , drie home , gets back early hours.
He got in at 3.30am, as I write this it’s 12.10pm. He’s still in bed and has work at 3.
He’ll get up, eat, shower , got to work till 11pm, smoke after work till the early hours – repeat either going out mid afternoon to meet his friends or work.
The circle of his life.
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He finished his degree, that’s brilliant in a bitter sweet way. I think blocking him is the only way and something I have contemplated but because of my grandson I’m torn. The sleeping does our head in! His ‘coke’ hangovers can last for days and have been worse during lockdown as he hasn’t had to go into work. X
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Hello ladies-
68862, that is a terrible dilemma to have. I really don’t know what I would do in your situation with your grandson. I wouldn’t want to break that bond either and yet, there is a child to protect. I will pray for you, not an easy situation. The power of the addiction is so strong. They won’t stop for us mothers or families, but to think they won’t stop for their own children just blows my mind!
Lindyloo- thank you for your constant prayers and kind words. I will take any and all prayers! God has given us each other and I’m so grateful. ????
MrsB247- it really is a good thing that he at least finished his degree even if it was by the skin of his teeth. There’s at least something in him that knows he needed it. Even if he did it for you and his dad, he still did it. It could be there’s a chance with him, he’s still young and at least you have the leverage of telling him to move out if he’s not doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Still, you can’t wait until then until then to take care of yourself. I wish I would have done counseling sooner. It would have given me the strength to make him deal with the consequences of his drinking sooner. Who knows?
Update for me: you may recall that my son went to the hospital to detox around April 10th. We’ve only spoken by text since he’s been home. He says he’s been sober and recovering since then. I texted him a few days ago. He said that he’s still depressed, but that he’s been feeling more like himself. He asked if I would like to get together soon, but said he would understand if I didn’t want to. He said he wouldn’t be mean or strange. I said, let’s check in next week. I will be so nervous to see him. There’s just been so much damage done to me this last relapse. I’m sure it will be very awkward. I will make sure it’s in a public place. I’ll keep you all posted. He somehow managed to get in to a class this summer so I guess that keeps the loans going. It’s a daily class so hopefully it will make him stay on the straight and narrow. Really it just prolongs the inevitable.
I’m proud of myself because I have been able to focus still on my life, and not obsess over his daily status. I’ve been through this so many times, that I no longer think that this time he’ll finally stop for good. Of course I always hope, but I’m working hard on just living my life and not rushing back to get back in his which I used to always do.
Blessings my UK friends! ❤❤❤
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Keeping everything crossed that it goes well with your son when you meet up. It does sound quite positive tbh but as you’ve said you suffered when he last relapsed so understandably you’re worried and you’ve come so far in your self healing x
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hi ladies sorry for the delay to replying to the recent posts.
So sorry of the pain you are going through.
So to all tense and purposes I should be feeling better than I am about my sons situation. He is now 3 mnths clean and I am very proud of him for that and have made sure to tell him so, however he still treats me and his stepdad with such disresepect and unkindness especially if we say no to anything.
We lent him £50 at the beginning of the week and was promised that the next day he wld be able to access some money hed saved t opay us back……guess what…… yes
..have now been told it wont be until his next UC payment in a mnths time as he has spent his money.
So depsite being clean some of the issues still continue.
Where he is staying as part of a programme only lets them out at the weekend i told him last week we would not be arounfd this weekend. Today he calls and kicks off when i say he cant stay, the problem is he has history of breaking stuff, leaving stuff unattended in the oven, not locking up and leaving fridege and freezer doors open and so my husband dont want to go away and be on edge.
He has said that i am controlling and always try t control him….It upsets me that us having boundaries like saying no or not letting him live here when he was taking drugs or not always giving in to his demands is seen as controlling.
in fact we feel controlled by him, knowing if we say no to anything that he kicks off.
But i feel upset that where he stays hes actually telling the staff that I am controlling when all we are doing is trying to as much as possible stand up to him.
Does anyone else have this?
I feel so bad that we are now at a place where it looks like he is starting to turn things around and has been off substances the longest in a few years and i should feel happy and relaxed especially as so many of you are still having loved ones abuse their substances but still I have this stress and unpleasantness from him.
IHe makes me feel like the worst mum but yet I cant have him here every weekend as he always starts conflict and it will ruin evryone of my weekends if we allow him to.
Am i being unreasonable hes 22 yrs old?
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Hi Bump they can certainly make us feel like we’re the worst mum ever and you are not. The hate, abuse, vileness that comes out of their mouth is incredible. They don’t realise the hurt they inflict. But he is 3 mths clean and if he can keep it up hopefully the realisation of what he’s put you through will surface. X
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Hi Bump,
I have felt like this so many times. At the moment my son is using a little bit, but his behaviour is not too bad. There have been times when he has been off drugs and he has been horrible and made us feel responsible for everything, and if we dare say ‘no’ we get the full force of his frustration. 3 months is still very early days and your son is coming back into the real world and having to deal with reality again. He probably genuinely feels horrible, but that’s not your fault.
I was told that it takes months for addicted brains to settle down and normalise. They also probably feel that they deserve to be given the world because they are not using at the moment.
It’s great that you are in a better position than you were when your son was on the streets, I honestly don’t know how you got through that. You need to prioritise your family and recharge your own batteries. Its hard but try not to feel guilty, you didn’t encourage him to take the drugs. We have to be there for them when we can but also live our own lives.
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Thanks jem.
Sometimes you need to hear from someone else that your doing the right thing.
It just feels relentless…I think like his brain adjusting to the real world it will take time for me to stop being so stressed and on such high alert all the time.
As soon as he even suggests coming g to stay I feel so stressed.
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Hi Bump
Their brains must be so busy with all the ups and downs of addiction.
Please try not to dwell too much on what he might be doing. The anxiety of it all is exhausting for us.
Take time for yourself Bump and as Jem said charge your batteries.
I hope your Long Covid is better.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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I used to feel guilty last summer posting on this thread because my son was clean, but life was still hard and I was really unhappy. You have the continuing stress of, will he stay clean, will this be okay, and you feel you are jumping through hoops to help them achieve it. I don’t blame them for feeling grumpy, but maybe we have to be realistic about how hard this is on us, its just a relentless slog.
I am leaving work early, going for a bike ride and a meal at the pub, and trying to take it all one day at a time.
I hope you have a lovely weekend, make the most of it, you deserve it!!!!
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Hi Jem, i can totally relate to what you said. When my son was clean I felt guilty that he was doing well. But I think you are constantly looking over your shoulder waiting for the next tragedy to unfold!
It’s good to share positive news too as it gives us all hope.
Enjoy your bike ride and pub meal, take pleasure in the little things.
Have a good weekend all.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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