Hello to all you strong and wonderful people! I am new to this post, but not new to Adfam. I have posted a few times, ( my original post was 7/24/20 if you want my story), and I have chatted with you Lindy Loo, and Jenny.
I have read through this whole post with a broken heart. We are all so the same, even if the drug of choice is different. My 39 yr old son’s is alcohol.
Lindy Loo- I pray your son stays the course. It hard to express the ups and downs with a loved one with an addiction. When they’re sober, life is so good. When they’re sober, you breathe instead of feeling sick. You actually get some sleep. Laughter and smiles feel so good because you’re not covering up something. The sun shines brighter…
Bump- You have been through so, so much with your son. The stories mimic some of mine in that you can’t believe you’ve experienced such horrific things with their addiction! It causes traumas within you that you never get over.
Lindy Loo and Bump- I pray for your recovery from Covid. How awful to have to deal with this on top of your troubles. I have Rheumatiod Arthritis, an autoimmune disease and I struggle to keep it under control with the stress of it all.
Ivy- your feelings resonated so much for me. You do start to lose yourself. You no longer feel like a normal person in society. You listen to how other people talk about how great their adult children are doing and you stay silent because you’re afraid someone will ask about them and you’ll either have to lie or just try to be very vague about it. Unfortunately for me, my son while intoxicated, has lashed out at family members and such and I finally had to tell everyone what is really going on. It’s so hard. I even had to tell one of my best clients, because for a while he was posting strange things on social media. It’s like trying to keep water from overflowing a glass. I used to be a fun-loving, silly, person at parties and now I just kind of hang back. I actually try not to go to parties. Plus, I’m so wiped out most of the time.
Nanny ger- After 9-10 years of this alcohol problem with my son, I have reached a place like you that it’s time to step back. I had to block my son from communication for almost a month ( see my post on 2/22/21) because he was harassing me all day with texts about how I am a sinner and it is his spiritual duty to show me my sins. Apparently, one of my sins is that I “judge” him for being an alcoholic. He says, “I was born this way- I didn’t choose it”. That’s not the case at all. I do “judge” him for not doing anything to actively change his problem.
I hear all of you brave women. I listen to you and want to reach out and hug you. I get a bit upset and think, “How could their kids do this to them!” And yet, I’m the same.
I just know this, that he continues to do the same thing over and over, so I must be different. I’ve made so, so many mistakes and have enabled him so much through the years. It took me so long to piece it all together and see it for what it is in the bright light of day. I’ve spent so much time trying to fix his problem and it hasn’t worked at all and it takes such a toll.
It seems like we moms are supposed to love our kids to the detriment of ourselves, and that just doesn’t seem right. When did I stop being a person? I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way he does. I’m grieving the loss of the boy I knew. I can’t even call him a man because he doesn’t act like one. I’m angry too. Just so many emotions. A day at a time. I want to love myself more than the dysfunctional love I have with him right now….