Thanks Lindy Loo! Yes, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday here in the States.
It was a mix of feelings- happiness and sorrow at the same time which is just crazy. My youngest daughter, who lives near me, decided to go out of town with her husband and two little ones. My middle daughter lives out of state and she sent me a sweet bouquet of flowers. I’m proud of both of them as moms. I realized that it meant that I would not be with any of my kids on Mother’s Day. ( My mom has passed.) I decided to go and join my sister and her family for breakfast with my hubby. It was good, but hard too to see their happy family.
I was not ready to see my son- it’s only been a couple of weeks since he went to detox. My son did text me on the day which I was telling myself not to expect. He sent me a bit of a strange card too about how we’ll get past this hard time, which i found strange because we are in this hard time because of him and he made no mention of that. I texted him thank you and told him I loved him very much.
Today I feel sorrowful. I made the best of Mother’s Day. I know there are good things in my life. But here is my safe place to let my feelings of sorrow out. My heart is just hurting that he has destroyed so much of his life and himself too. He was a good looking young man who now looks used up. He was a very smart young man who had it all going for him. My expectations of him are now so low, that if he can get and stay sober, I told him I don’t care what kind of job he does as long as its legal, moral and ethical. I don’t care if he lives in his tiny apartment for the rest of his life. I don’t care if he chooses to not every marry and have children. I just want him alive and sober and supporting himself. A far cry from what he was capable of.
Honestly, every holiday goes like this. I stay present and celebrate and do my best for those whom I love and who love me, and yet there is this sorrow.
To you all- thanks for letting me get it all out. Just feeling a bit sad today….