Hello everyone- I did meet up with my son last Friday. I was nervous and it was a little awkward, at least for me. He looked very good, clean and bright eyes- sober. It’s so nice to see him that way! He seemed his normal self. I asked him to kind of update for me what’s been going on with him. He talked mostly about his university program stuff, which is really not what I’m interested in right now. But he is seeing a substance abuse counselor once a week and he seems to like her. He’s still not interested in AA or any kind of rehab. I even suggested a chat room like this and he wasn’t interested in that either.
Anyway, I let him talk and he was very apologetic to me about how horrible he was to me and the family with this last relapse. He said as he has many times, “You know that it is not me when I’m like that. I could never knowingly hurt my family, that’s some other person.” He was very adamant about that. But he did acknowledge for the very first time, that he has to accept that it did come from him.
So I told him, that even though he’s not himself when he’s under the influence, the other person, me, is still receiving this awful treatment, and it hurts. He always asks for compassion. I asked, “What would that look like in actions?” He said that when he’s like that, that I should just tell him I love him and ignore it. I said, “Gosh, that’s a lot to ask of a person. When you’re like that, you’re unreasonable. A person is just supposed to take that kind of abuse? That’s too much to ask.” I did share with him how bad it hurts, and that if you are suffering, then you need to know that I am suffering too and it’s awful.
He got a little testy at times, but I wasn’t budging. I was calm and loving. He said, ” I would never cut out someone in my life if they had this problem!” I told him that he has no idea of what he would do. He said he wishes that the family could feel how he feels. I said that’s not realistic, that no one, except another addict would understand his true “pain”.
I told him that we both have to accept that we will never be in each other’s shoes. I said that I hope and pray that the last relapse would be his last. ( As we know, they often say, ‘that’s it, I’m done this time!’ )
I told him, just in case it’s not, that when he becomes mean or crazy sounding, that I will have to take care of myself and back out for a while. Just like he asked me to just ‘know’ that he loves me even though he’s being mean while drunk, that he will have to ‘know’ that I still love him even though I back away. I told him that I cannot save him, in the beginning I thought I could, but that this is all on him. I told him that I just can’t take what I used to- I just don’t have the internal reserves anymore.
I made sure to congratulate him on his two months of sobriety.
So, we talked for maybe an hour and a half (at a sandwich place). I ended up wrapping it up, because the whole conversation was wearing on me. We didn’t make any upcoming plans because I think it’s easier to just go a day at a time, a week at a time or whatever.
I could feel the veil over my heart. I am definitely realistic and self-protective. Honestly, I’ve had a sadness in my heart these last few days that this is our story at all. The days when I would just melt and hug him and think it’s finally over are no longer there. Of course, if he were to stay sober, week after week, month after month, year after year, then I’m sure we would be able to have a much deeper relationship like we used to.
So I go forward with prayer. As we’ve all said before, ‘we’ve been down this road many times and only time will tell’. You just enjoy the moment while it’s here and it was nice to see him be himself!
Love to you all my friends… ????