Hey Danman,
This is my first post and I can relate to your situation as I’m going through something similar myself.
I’ve used cocaine on and off for the last 20 years and put my children and wife through hell because of it. I have managed to be clean for years sometimes but I’ve relapsed more times than I can remember and sometimes I can’t even describe the chain of events that lead to it. I would only describe it as autopilot, 1 minute I’m thinking of it and then the next someone’s dropped a bag off and my whole being is pulsating knowing it’s going to be a slippery slope from here but the thought of having it is so much stronger than the all the damage that will ultimately ensue. It sounds silly but post relapse I’m absolutely bereft with regret, guilt, upset and thinking how the hell did I get here again. This happens again and again, sometimes 2 years apart. I have adult girls and a boy who is 14. My eldest daughter is distant and without doubt I’ve contributed to her poor mental health because of the constant relapses and anxiety and torment that cocaine usage brings. Sometimes I’d just leave the family home at 1am in the morning making some pathetic excuse because I wanted to carry on using and the paranoia of doing it at hone would be too much. I would be away for days and I would feel knee height to a rat thinking what I’m putting my wife and children through. It would end with me in tears and begging for forgiveness and truly ashamed at what I’d done and for the next 6 months a year I’d be off it. Then something would happen it might be gradual over a few weeks, don’t ask me what the trigger is because even I don’t understand what process of my thinking slowly opens the door again and I forget the previous misery that I’ve caused. And the merry go round continues.
It’s happened again last week probably after a year clean. I don’t think there was any plan to do it…. It just happened
I had a bit of a cold and thought its a good cover to have a few lines, no one will suspect it as I’ve got a hasty cold anyway. So a few lines turned into 4 nights with 4g add the sleeping tablets to that and I was off my trolley
My wife and daughter clicked on and 4 days later I’m there again, lost all trust and bridges that id built over the years and they want me out. I can’t blame them. I’m in tears again thinking… why and how did it come to this. If only I hadn’t made that call. But the problem is the sequence leading up to it. I need help to understand this because if I haven’t done it for a year surely this can continue.
Sorry for the long vent but I’m hoping someone can help and advise me as I feel absolutely hopeless, I just can’t trust myself and I’ve got so much to lose. Especially my beautiful children.
What a father and husband I am