As someone that has gone through this time and time again I can only describe this as a gradual tightening of a grip to use again. I honestly think my subconscious mind is more clever manipulative and tactfully astute than my conscious mind. This might be difficult to explain and I’m not sure if anyone else can relate to this but when I mention autopilot it literally is putting building blocks in place to complete the road to using again. I wish I could feel the pain and anguish that I feel after the aftermath of using at the beginning….. I would never touch it again.
I still fail to understand the sequence that lead to relapse.
I understand people will see this as being ‘selfish’ but we’re not playing with the same ground rules as anything else. Selfish might be buying yourself a new pair of trainers and not thinking about your partner or your children. I’m the total opposite in that respect, they have everything that I can physically afford materially and I will go without. My wife has a brand new car whilst I drive around in an old banger…. I think that doesn’t make me a selfish person Per se but maybe I’m making these choices and what they need more than ‘things’ is a stable husband and father around that doesn’t give in to the demon coke destroying everything that he’s built since the last relapse.
Groundhog Day that’s how it honestly feels like. I’m scared of the repercussions and feel a total failure