Hi Kate- I’ve been thinking of you often. I know you are hurting, it must be terrible for you. You are clearly in the depths of grief. Crying is actually a very good thing for you when you need to. It doesn’t mean that you are “losing it”, you are deeply grieving the loss of your dear son and it is a release. Cry when it comes if you’re in a safe place to do so. You are entirely normal to miss your son terribly no matter that he had an addiction. He was your baby, and despite their addiction, we moms love them unconditionally forever. Even if some of us have to do it from afar. There have been times where I have hated my son as much as I love him.
You really did everything that you thought best AT THAT TIME. I say that because having an adult child with an addiction is a madness that no one know but us. It was perfectly normal for you to have experienced the range of emotions with this, including raging anger and disgust and wanting to set boundaries to save yourself and your family. That was perfectly appropriate to do so- we moms are human too and we can only take so much.
Did you know that one of the stages of grieving is bargaining? You say to yourself, ‘I’d take him back, addiction and all, just to have him back’. That’s a process of grieving. If I were in your shoes, I can guarantee that I would think the same thing.
Your situation has touched me so deeply. I saw that you loved your son through his addiction up and downs. Because of you, I’m trying harder to do that with my son.
It doesn’t mean that I will disregard my boundaries, they were too hard fought and won. My boundaries have to stay. For me and my son, I’ve learned that I have enabled him, including even with emotions, if you can imagine.
I had to stop enabling him because he was taking zero responsibility for himself and his problems. He’s been sober for a month after another stay in the hospital for withdrawal. These last few periods of sobriety, he’s been willing to admit his role in this whole mess. That’s something new. The future is always a question mark.
How true it is to take things a day at a time! I hope that you will be patient with yourself through all of this. Grief looks different everyday. Sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards, but you don’t. It’s just that some days are harder than others.
Thank you for being there for me during the hard times I’ve had. Your bravery gives me courage. ❤