Hi Bump, your situation is really what I am trying to avoid. Your son is much younger than mine, and I/we have done so much for him over these long years. I understand having him in your home as he gets back on his feet. I also don’t want to be a prisoner of his problem in my own home.
This has happened to us over the summers that he has stayed. I have an autoimmune disease that has gotten worse these last few years with his problems. And that’s with him not even living with me. It’s the stress and pain of his addiction.
My son also threatens that he’ll relapse if he gets triggered and I’m sure he has relapsed over things the family has said or done. I used to feel so bad about that, but really, we can’t possibly know what will trigger them and sometimes it’s nothing. There’s so much emotional manipulation with addiction, and I’m sure we moms get it the worst because we are soft-hearted with our kids.
I do know that even when they get clean (and kudos to your son for doing so for 7 mos!), they still have that addict mentality to work through. For alcoholics they call it “wet brain” where even though they are sober, they still have an addicted type brain with the fog, and paranoia etc.
I think there are probably people who think I’m mean-hearted too because they hear me say that I just can’t take him in my home. The farther along you get in this journey, for me- 10+ years, the more you feel different about that. I’m still there for him, we talk/text fairly often and I still plan to be there for him emotionally and spiritually. I love him so much, he’s my first-born child and my only son.
I will help him find the resources if he truly can’t get it together. I’ve talked to many people here who have been through this with an addicted love one, and in my area there is help if they reach out and use it. They don’t have to be on the street. They have halfway houses, shelters, counseling etc., if they are willing. We have several shelters where you can sleep and you have to leave during the day. We also have ones where you can stay, but you have to be sober and there is the real crux of the problem.
So truly, if my son were to end up there, he would be rejecting all the services that are there for him. But I’m sure those places aren’t pretty, and there are some hard-core people there, but it doesn’t have to be the street.
I love my son as much as all these mothers do. I don’t want this for him. I don’t want him living at a halfway house or shelters with scary people. When I imagine him on the streets, I break down sobbing. I just know for my son, if he comes here, he’ll never change. He’ll have a million reasons why he can’t get a job, or he’s sick, and on and on, and he’ll eventually wear out his welcome as he did every summer and we’ll eventually ask him to leave. And I’ll suffer in my own home which should be where I go for comfort from life.
When he started having problems with drinking in his PhD program, I told him to come home and start over. I flew out to where he was living to “save” him, I rented a big truck, and drove the two of us 1,700 miles in a winter storm at -6.66 celsius back to my home. He was drunk when I arrived to get him, and detoxed the whole drive. (Looking back, I enabled him by taking care of everything for him.) He lived with us for several months when he got here and didn’t do anything, so we had to urge him out to start his life. That’s when his grandmother gave him his small inheritance early even though I told her not to. And here we are 3 1/2 years since he’s been back here and a thousand tears later and the rest you all know the story..
Rant away any time you need to Bump, I just did!