I’m sorry (and angry) that your sons are treating you so poorly- you don’t deserve it after all you’ve done. None of us do.
I’m in the same boat. I did have a talk (by email) with my son. I was planning on doing it in person, but his emails to the family have been so rotten that I decided against it. His emails have been all “poor me” that I was born with this gene for alcoholism, that we should have compassion for him (which we do), and that Philosophy is his dream and that we should financially support him so that he can achieve his dream and finish his degree so that he can have a career. I remind you that the reason he hasn’t finished is because he spends his days drinking and not doing the work he needs to do. That’s why we’re at this December deadline. He says “either I get an extension with school, or I’m on the street, literally”.
I did tell him that he has enough time to make a change before December. I told him that he cannot live with us, that he’s got to make his own way, and that he doesn’t have to be on the street as there are options for him with housing, shelters, counseling, job help etc.
He keeps telling me that he’d rather be on the street than to ‘sell his soul’ working any other job. It’s ridiculous.
The bottom line is this, they are all master manipulators because of their addictions. He’s broken my heart with some of things he’s said to me. His emails are primarily directed at me and just like you all, he’s pushing my buttons as a mother. The emails have been almost daily. I knew as soon as I said he couldn’t live with me and my husband, and that we would not financially support him, the harassment would begin. Apparently, we are supposed to sacrifice financially to support him, because ‘that’s what families do’, that we are judgmental, unChristian, and materialistic if we don’t. ( I don’t know why he thinks we even financially could.)
I had to find a new counselor since my other one retired. This new counselor has worked a lot with addicts. As I’ve said, things are going to get bad for my story soon. This counselor is very tough love. I told him, “my son is killing me” and he said, “You are letting your son kill you”. He said that if I give him housing or financially support him, it is only going to prolong his addiction and that I am essentially having a hand in his demise. Ouch. He said that he is never going to change until he wants to, or has to, and that nothing I do, whether loving or not, is going to change him, and if I or anyone else do too much for him, we are taking away his “rock bottom” moment to change.
I know he’s right, because my story has been going on for 10+ years and nothing has worked. It’s just so hard as you all know.
Together we can get through it. I wish I could be there to comfort you all in person with a nice lunch, a walk or a shoulder to cry on. I hope you can have some peace this weekend, I need it too.????