I feel everyone’s pain here, and I am sorry that everyone is experiencing this. I know everyone is primarily from the UK here. I am from the US. Hello from across the pond.
What I feel is happening to my husband when he uses is (and I think this is true for all who use cocaine, after reading everyone’s stories), is that cocaine addicts (especially after a binge):
Become very narcissistic
Don’t respect boundaries
In most cases don’t take responsibility
Don’t feel bad and don’t apologize
Don’t care about the feelings of others
Find a way to manipulate until you feel like you are the one who did something wrong
Currently, my husband is in full denial about his drug use. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong. He doesn’t want to stop using. He doesn’t want help in recovery, he said wants his freedom to go out from time to time (I call horse shit). And now, his parents have fallen for his BS manipulation and are not going to try to help him.
After an extremely bad binge a few weeks ago, he fled the country and tried to jump off a bridge. He hurt himself badly, which hurts my heart. While he was binging, he stopped talking/texting/calling me. Left his job and everything behind. He was missing for about a week. I was an absolute nervous wreck, and I spent nights walking around his neighborhood shouting his name. I eventually went to the police to file a missing persons report. Homeland security finally tracked him down and located him outside of the country. He went back to where he was from. And thank god, because he is now with his family.
To say the least, the past 3 years have been a nightmare and this time I said he needs to get help because he wants it or I’m out. Well, he doesn’t want it. So I have to break my own heart and move on. I’m so fucking angry. The man I married wouldn’t have done this to me. The addict I have now, well this is what he chooses. I’m so tired of the disrespect. I want peace in my life.
Few observations I want to point out:
I am noticing, that there is also a consensus (based on everyone’s posts) that everyone loves their partners a lot. As do I. But this is so confusing to me. How can people be hurt over and over again with this, and still deeply love their partners? Is there something that is happening to us psychologically that makes us stay tied to them? This might sound wild, but could it be similar to Stockholm syndrome, where the captive or abused person develops positive feelings toward their captors or abusers?
Is it safe to say, that there is something about this cocaine addiction cycle that makes us feel like we are in love with them more? Is it because we feel like we are losing them quite often and we always want what we can’t have? I am scratching my head trying to figure out why and how I still love my husband this much, after everything he has done, lying, infidelity, using in front of me, and not caring about quitting. Trust is completely broken yet, I still feel strong emotions of love. It doesn’t make logical sense.
Love is not logic, but I see a common thread.
Wish me luck, I need strength to get out of this.