[rabbito]

I posted ages ago saying I had left my cocaine addict partner. I didn’t. I hung on.
Things have got worse and worse. He has lied so many times, saying he is getting help, deleted dealers number, stopped using. Every time it has turned out to be a lie.
I have put some boundaries in place and stuck to them. I don’t go to his place anymore and insist he comes to mine if he wants to see me. I have a cut off time for phone calls – I go to bed at 10am and switch my phone off. I ask him directly if he’s used which I never used to do.
Very sadly, the relationship is just dwindling away. He rarely comes to my house because he is either taking coke or on a come down. We have short chats on the phone, he gets upset when I finish the call and proceeds to stay up all long taking drugs. I wake up to messages – sometimes they are apologetic and loving, sometimes self-pitying, sometimes aggressive and mean. It used to really upset me but I am kind of becoming quite numb to it now.

I wish I was able to just walk away from him but I have found that so hard to do. Maybe that would have been easier? But I feel stronger. The relationship will end, I know that and I feel so sad.

Lots of love to everyone on here. 2 years ago I was so naive to this. Now I know that cocaine is a truly evil drug.

[Lozzy80]

Rabbito

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with us , so many of us have been there…I left and went back and regretted it.

 

You have some boundaries now which seems to be helping you feel stronger… There is just that final string to cut loose isn’t there..it’s so hard…but you sound like you are nearly there..

I need to set some stronger boundaries and I feel this will be there year I do make some huge changes…something has to give in the end

[navy]

Hi both

it’s so hard isn’t it. I’m currently living in my parents house having left him. My heart is broken and he makes me feel like it’s my fault. I wasn’t loving enough. I didn’t hold him and tell him all will be ok.
how can I he never with me. I work 9-5 when home he said I got therapy then too tired or emotional to see me.
Weekend became distant I tried to get him to come for a coffee a walk shopping anything but I always ended up on my own.

The last straw was he took it with him on a weekend away and I just snapped. If in therapy why are you using why did he buy it why did he feel the need to use it when with me.

i feel lost and broken and so tired. I need to look after me and my health. This is such a difficult time.

i send my love to you all here and pray that you all get stronger with time and make yourself the top priority.

take care

love Navy xx

[myfamily]

I am in a similar position. I have been with my partner for 8 and a half years. I have been cheated on and lied to. I barely recognise the person he has become. He doesn’t answer the phone anymore to me. He is embarrassed about the situation and is saying he is getting help but i don’t think he is ready yet. We have 2 kids together and he has his own flat. After my son was born he went out and didn’t come back for a week. I kicked him out and he could tell i had enough. While we were reconciling he cheated…the person had a baby and kept it a secret. She told him at Christmas and now we’re all in turmoil again. He took the news quite badly and went on another downward spiral. I think the most important thing is to try and set boundaries as you are doing and stay strong. It is such a bumpy road. You have to look after yourself along the way. I have started to see how hard it is to detach from a person that you love so much. They can only make the decision to change for themselves.  I message him to let him know we are here. I can see he is unable to stop. I have lost myself along the way. Last year he was at his worst. I’ve never felt so destroyed. Its the first time he has admitted he has a problem with addiction but i am a mess. His family think he just doesn’t love me anymore and thats all thats wrong. They bail him out, help him out and give him all the money in the world. He answers there calls still. He is very charming and always the life and soul of the party. Cocaine is a rubbish drug!! But someone told me that we are just beautiful people trying to help them. Don’t loose sight of your beauty and stay true to yourself!!

sorry for the long message. Xx

[Lottier]

I hate cocaine too

it has destroyed so many families including mine and robbed my daughter of a loving father

I’m still so confused by how it all went so wrong, I don’t think I could have loved him or supported him anymore, but feel I am now the villain in our story.

He has cut all contact with me and our daughter, then blames me for keeping her away from him.

As I won’t admit I was to blame for the breakdown of our marriage too, he laughs and says that’s why we would never of worked, but if I ask what I did he says you know.  He says he was poorly and I’m an awful human being, for giving ultimatums to get him to go to rehab.

I was a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding which was choosing her over him, this horrible person isn’t him, it’s what cocaine has done to him, he doesn’t care about anything anymore just being the best version of himself, which means removing anyone unsupportive from his life

His family say it would never have worked, and I know I shouldn’t care but I want to know why, the answer always lots of reasons.

I feel so mad that I spent 3 years trying to get him better, fighting for us when he was at his worst and he comes out and doesn’t give us a chance, but I can’t flick a switch and hate him

My friends, family and even his family tell me I’m better off without him, but they’ve all got someone, they’ve got lives, I’ve just got a new job that fits around childcare but I’m either working or looking after my daughter, I’m so lonely and tired no one understands

Sorry I’m feeling a bit down today, and this rant is about me and how it has effected me, but I know everyone is going through it on here too and it’s not just me, I feel no one else understands or gets it like people on this forum so hope you don’t mind me hijacking your post xx

 

 

 

[rabbito]

Not hijacking at all!

My partner has consistently blamed me for his cocaine use. It’s awful to hear about others experiences but in a way it’s reassuring to hear how similar they are to mine, it’s reminds me that I’m not to blame for this.

Not to say I have behaved perfectly! I am sure there are issues around codependency in relationships that I need to explore further. I want to avoid ever getting into this situation ever again and that means not putting up with this shit & walking away if someone can’t offer me the relationship I need.

[myfamily]

Hi Lottier,

We try and do the best out of our love for them. They don’t want to or can’t do it for themselves. But in putting all our efforts into them we loose ourselves. I started to detach after having my son. I started watching his actions more and more. I started to call him out on his behaviour’s . It has just made me want the old him back more. I will always love him but i don’t like the person he is when he is either taking drugs or on a come down. I am keeping a diary. He messages to say he misses me and I crumble.  I forget about all the hurt and caous he has caused me. But if he really missed us he would be here or getting help to allow him to be here. It is lonely doing it all alone. It’s horrible seeing what life should be like!! Watching your friends and family having supportive partners,  you deserve the same. I am starting to ask myself what he actually brought to the relationship?! He would come and try and be a dad. He couldn’t do it and leave again. My children deserve a better version of their dad. Sometimes it’s better to detach and trust that everything will work out as intended. Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. You and your daughter deserve to be happy. His mask will slip eventually, deep down he is probably not as happy as he is making out. Keep messaging on here because it helps you xx

[Lottier]

Hi all

thank you for your replies, I still can not understand why they do it or how they can change so much.

It feels so lonely and I am starting to think like you said, what did he really bring to our life, I was so happy when he did used to come for a day out but if I look at pictures (sad I know) he looked so sad, I can’t be anything but happy when our daughters around she’s 3 and a little ray of sunshine, her biggest problems are not being aloud chocolate ice cream for breakfast and having to go bed but otherwise she loves life.

I think some of it may be jealousy towards her as i think I did the same as you detached myself from him and give her more time but i had to be mum and dad, and try and pretend everything was ok and normal.

He’s given me and our daughter 2 months now to move out the house, he’s offered some money, which I’m not happy to take as hate the whole I’m nothing without him, to be out in 2 months, taking it is my only option really and my friends say I’d be stupid not too, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Im not talking to his Mum as much as she told me I’m selfish, I should be doing everything to move out, the main reason is his sister wants her holiday let back and, even though he lived with his mum before we got together (when his first marriage broke down) I’m selfish thinking he could go there, I asked for up to 6 months as I’ve just started working and want to be in a better position financially to leave but ????‍♀️

He blocked me months ago on WhatsApp and changed his number so only communicates via his mum, the last message I did receive was saying how he knows we will be better off apart and how he’ll look back at our years together fondly, I’m not there yet, I hate him so much but know, which I haven’t told anyone, even after everything he has done he’d only have to cry and say how sorry he was and I’d go back.  I know I shouldn’t as it wouldn’t be fair on the kids, my family and friends wouldn’t forgive me either.

I know I need to move on and know once I’m out the house it will be easier,  I work from home, and actually have no life, I go bed a lot of days the same time as my daughter so am not sure how I’m ever going to meet anyone, or if I can really, I feel if I do meet someone it will be closure, they could never treat me worse and I need a bit of happiness, but that sounds so stupid

He goes up to Kent most weekends and has stopped working again, I feel like he’s moved on already and probably with someone he met in rehab the first time.  I’ve mentioned before on here but he sent a selfie and she replied my baby, he left it on the side and I saw the pic and reply.  I did say who the F is Natasha
I got no explanation re that he just picked up his phone and walked out for days, he didn’t apologise or anything, just made me out to be jealous and controlling

His sister said if he was having an affair he wouldn’t leave his phone on the side, and he’d said to her she was a friend, quite a lot older and he didn’t think of her that way.  Why not just say that to me

I think in a normal relationship it would have caused a row but I was never aloud to question things as he may start using again, which meant he could literally do what he wanted and I couldn’t even have one night out or wake up in a grump, I even got told off for looking moody handing washing up

sorry I’ve gone on again but this does help, I just sound mental if I say this to my friends, I go from still loving him to remembering how bad it was, it’s so hard xx

[Molly432]

I wish I could meet someone like you in person, and talk to you about all this. If I wrote down my experiences, it’d be a long and boring message!! But damn I wish I could have someone to share it all with and help.

You are not alone in all this. I could’ve literally written your message myself.

The good thing is that you have boundaries. In the beginning of my relationship, I would get ridiculously worked up with his text messages til 3am in the morning. But I would then force myself to put my phone down, and ignore him. The messages still kept coming through, and like you, they’d sometimes be caring, loving, sometimes accusing me of cheating, sometimes trying to break up with me, and sometimes just pure nasty texts towards me. 2yrs down the line, I just ignore him when I start to notice he’s on drugs.

He does it now once a week. He doesn’t want to do it, he wants to quit. But everytime he tries, the cravings come hard, and he gets angry, and then he gives in.

And like you, I still haven’t left him. My bags were packed and I’ve spent a week at my parents 2 times. But as always, I’ve gone running back. I can see where it’ll end up one day, and we’re even sleeping in separate rooms at the moment, but I just can’t leave. But I know I need to.

I hate cocaine. It ruins lives, and not just the users.

I hope you figure it all out soon. Yes, walking away is the right answer, but just know you’re not the only one who doesn’t know how.

Sending you so much love x

[thistim3]

I’ve been spending my nights in the spare room, so hard to sleep. My cat keeps me company.  I’m so stressed out, trying to calm myself down so that I can get some rest, but I can only sleep about 4 hours or so.  Then I lay here awake.  How does it come to this?  I have always been all in, while he continues to lie. After all these years, I keep wondering why I have been so good to him. Why? Why have I wasted all my life on a man who has cheated so many times and lies.  I should have left him years ago.  My advice – get yourself out of this crazy stuff, don’t have children with him, sort yourself out, and never choose this again.  Nobody is worth it.  He quit coke decades ago.  It doesn’t go back to where you were before coke, weed, alcohol, whatever.  I wish someone would have told me that decades ago, or I could have just believed it myself. So, I am telling you now – run for your lives ladies.  Go to therapy and figure out why you chose this person before the best years of your life is gone forever.  If you feel that he is cheating – that is because he is cheating.  If you feel that he is lying – that is because he is lying.  Trust yourself.  The person that you fell in love with is gone.  Gone forever. Sorry for your loss.

[themidgetgem]

It’s so hard is nt it I’ve been with my husband 25 years . I left him 6 years ago and then went back to him after 12 months , biggest mistake I made !!
im now planning and saving to leave for good this time . He hasn’t changed he’s not stopped taking drugs if anything he is worse . Cocaine everyday it breaks my heart to know I’m going to lose my home and all the money I’ve spent making it a home . He will lose the home when I’m gone as he won’t pay the bills .
anyone reading this don’t stay !! Move on !  You get one life so live it !  I’ve wasted 7 years trying to fix and help him ! 7 years I could have been living my life with my beautiful children

he’s destroyed me mentally financially and he nearly killed me physically, I took an overdose last year and ended up in hospital because he destroyed me so much . Don’t do it to yourselves move on and get away from the toxic life of drugs . Cocaine is the devil

[purpleheart]

To you all , sending hugs and strength.
My now ex husband was my best friend and I loved him so much , had two beautiful children together and a good life  but 4 years ago I don’t know how he got there ,  he started on the cocaine every day to function.
He eventually became a cold, non functional shell , who cared about no one but himself and disappeared for days in hotels binging and still days to this day he doesn’t have a problem with it  . I had to leave him  early last year as I was in a dark place with his lies and deceit and he was financially sinking us  ,after I left he continued to abuse the coke and he overlapped it with the care of our kids on his visitation  so after a very turbulent length time I stopped him seeing them and it went to court, in Retaliation he refused to sign the financial  agreement for our divorce and took me to court for that also . He spent his business float and funds from sale of FMH on coke intentionally and gambling, prostitutes and living the life style nothing short of a local millionaire !. He’s now dragging me through court to get half of the house  his kids and I live in even though he gave it to me in our initial agreement and claiming he’s broke because his business got into bother .His family do nothing but enable him and claim I’m wrong to kept the kids away and are claiming he’s clean when he says he is ?!  but they say that’s him now and there’s nothing more they can do  .. he isn’t clean it’s a small place we live and courts proved such why they think it’s ok for two under 7 yr olds are put at risk with him is beyond me  .
my advice, if they don’t show signs of wanting to get help and sort themselves out , get yourself ( and kids if any ) out of there as fast as you can . Mine is a cold monster that I no longer recognise and every day I sit in disbelief at some point of my day as to  how he thinks they using and looking after two small children is acceptable when under the influence and his attempt to financially ruin not just me but the kids after everything he put us through.

I know as soon as eyes are off him at court I’ll more than likely be back to square one with the children and their safety terrifies me because he doesn’t see a problem driving on it , sleeping most of the days etc. Cocaine really is the devils dandruff . I’m gutted for each one of you because it’s nothing short of hell and I was never able to grieve losing him . stay strong , you can do this – but you have to think of number one and your babies if there are any . Loves xx

 

[thistim3]

I understand.  The lonely, the sadness, the all of it.  We hardly ever look at each other, talk to each other. We sleep in separate rooms. So weird.  He is probably used to me coming to him, but I haven’t been and I don’t think that I will. It seems that my feelings don’t matter to him.  When did that stop? How did I miss that? I loved him too much, so much so – that I missed the point where I should have turned around and mentioned that I noticed that he just didn’t care anymore.  He cheated so much that maybe it got him to where he didn’t care. I don’t know really because I didn’t cheat and didn’t ever disrespect him – ever all this time. Why did I stay so loyal?  Where did it get me? Alone and confused. And, maybe he will just cheat some more.  He doesn’t validate my feelings, or answer my questions.  So, I quit mentioning my feelings and quit asking my questions. Instead, I moved to the spare room because it hurts too much. He doesn’t say goodnight to me, or even try to make anything better.  We don’t argue. We just aren’t. We were probably over a long time ago, but I didn’t figure it out then. I didn’t know.  I wasn’t expecting that. I wished that I could have had a chance to prepare, to get ready for this. For years we are and then we just aren’t.  I come in here and nobody has the answers. I wish I knew what to do.  I don’t know him. I don’t know what we have. I wonder if we will always be like this for the rest of our lives. For another 10 – 30 years, however long God decides that we live. Together – but separate.  It’s too sad, too lonely. How can I do this?  Has anybody here lived like this – for all that time?

[themidgetgem]

So I’m living with my husband . He’s a cocaine addict , for the last four years I’ve waited for him to change whilst he has treated me very badly . Sold my belongings, cheated with my neighbour . Ruined our home , financially and mentally abused me . But I’ve stayed because prior to 2018 I had a lovely husband for 18 long years then the cocaine came around . I left in 2019 and then returned again after a year as he had ruined our family home . I’ve tried to fix it but he has no respect for me our home or himself !
I genuinely don’t think he ever will . If I can give any advice at all go and leave him I’ve wasted 4 years of my life waiting and it’s just got worse what do we do wait another 4,5,8 years …. We could have moved on and had a happy life elsewhere.
I’ve applied for a house and hopefully will be out after Christmas I’m terrified . I scared of being alone , starting again with nothing and leaving my home . I’m scared of him moving on and changing for someone else but couldn t for me . We have been together since we were 15 we are now 4 kids later and aged 41 . I’ve sore t most of my life with him

it hurts it really does but we have to do what’s best for us not them they will never change the drugs always win

[Author]

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