Hi Bump- I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hear the desperation in your voice. Your addicted son is clearly holding the whole household hostage with his behaviors. Kate is right, he’s an adult and she’s also right that you could come under more scrutiny if you don’t protect your young son. He’s only 9 and can’t protect himself, so he’s relying on you and your husband to do that for him.
Since I’m in the United States, I can’t speak to any of the legal things or housing or shelters that they have there. And I’m also a mom of an addicted son who’s stumbling along too. So I rely on professionals to guide me, so I can share with you what I’ve been told by professionals. I think one of the hardest things we have to do is to set boundaries with our addicted sons. I read a lot of books, (which I’ll mention below), and much of what I’ve read or been told by counselors is that you can’t set a boundary with an addict and then go back on it. In the past when I have done this with my son, after I’d given in and then tried to say no again- he didn’t believe me, and the outbursts from him only escalate to try and get his way again. It sounds like that is what happens with your son. I told a counselor once, ‘he’s killing me’ and he said that I’m letting him kill me- ouch.
This is so very hard as we know they have an addiction and their brains aren’t right. But if they don’t do anything to help themselves, then we’re made to suffer more and that’s just not right or fair. I’m told most addicts won’t change unless they have to and if I enable my son, then I’m getting in the way of him getting better.
I like to read books because I feel more empowered knowing other’s stories.
Here are a few that have helped me:
Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You- Charles Rubin ( both of his only children-sons- are/were addicts).
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children- Allison Botke
When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us- Jane Adams
I’m wishing you all a Happy New Year. I hope 2022 will be a new beginning for all of us and our addicted children.
Love to all….❤️